My God is so good to me, and I am so blessed.
4 days ago, I blogged about Psalm 45:11 and how God had been telling me that He thinks I'm so beautiful. I don't know how, but I just knew that He was affirming me overtime because there was something that was coming that He wanted me to face. I asked Him what it was, and He avoided the question and asked instead if I would go deeper with Him even if it was painful, because He is the Faithful One who will not leave me. Of course I said yes.
The next day in my morning prayers with Damian (he and I have been meeting together in the mornings to pray together ever since we became official), he said that he felt it was time for me to share with him about my past. I agreed because I immediately knew that this was what God had been telling me about the night before.
There's been a lot of darkness in my life before I met Jesus...I made a lot of bad decisions, but there was also a lot of abuse and pain. Before Damian and I got together, we always knew that we would one day have to talk about all of this, because our own fears about it occasionally would come between us. He had a lot of fears because he knew that there was a lot of darkness in my life, but he didn't know what it was, and for me, I was always terrified that if he knew the truth about my past, that he would leave me. Anyways, we have always talked about how we are desiring not just that perfect unity and oneness with God but also with each other, and we knew that in order for us to have this, we wouldn't be able to have any dark corners and closed doors in our hearts. But, we both always dreaded this day because we knew it would be very painful.
On Friday we cleared our schedules and went to the beach where I shared with him an overview about my past. It was really painful for me because so many of the memories that I had tried to suppress over the years all came back up, and more than that, the shame and guilt rose up and caused me to doubt at times whether I really am who God says I am. There were a lot of tears, and I know that Damian was feeling a lot of pain as well and that his heart was so broken over everything that had happened.
I was so thankful though, because whenever I thought of that day, I always pictured him leaving, but what happened instead was that he just held me so tight and told me that he loved me. I know that God was just pouring His healing love into me at that moment. You know, I know that God is a God of love and grace, but it just amazed me so much to see that Damian, a human, could be so in touch with God's heart that he showed me so much love and grace too, even in the moment of his pain. That boy never ceases to amaze me.
I wish I could say that we received total healing that day but we didn't. The healing has begun, but it is a process and the pain comes in waves. God did promise us before all this that as we walked through this valley, He would be with us and bring us through into an even greater and more glorious light. Damian and I feel so broken right now...our emotions are so raw and my heart feels so shattered. But it's so cool because the Body of Christ has really been there for both of us, and we have felt their hands of love wrapped around us, ministering the love of the Father into our hearts. I'm so thankful for the Body!
Psalm 34:11 says, "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." and it is so true. Even though I am so emotionally drained at the moment and I have barely enough energy to do anything, I have felt His presence so close to me. When I was worshipping at church on Saturday night, I felt Him touch me and I was filled with so much joy because He was so real and so near to me in a way that I've only really experienced during times of brokenness. And last night at the Sunday service, I was feeling so tired and weary and was crying through the worship set, but by the end of the service, as we sang the lyrics, "When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say, blessed be the name of the Lord" I used all the strength that was left in me to stand up, raise my hands to Him and tell God, "Yes, I choose You!"
It was so incredible!!! It suddenly made me realise that it's so cool that in times when I'm standing on the mountain tops, I get to praise His name out of the overflow of love and joy. But in that moment, I was so broken and weary, and I got to give back to Him and praise Him out of my brokenness and emptiness, and somehow I just knew that He was so pleased. It suddenly struck me that it's so beautiful when broken people who are facing difficult circumstances still choose to put their faith in Him and declare that He is good! It's like the Widow's Offering in Luke 21:1-4, and I was so full of joy as I realised that even in my brokenness, His heart is STILL moved by me as I choose Him.
I am so blessed!!! This time is tough and it hurts to face all those memories, and even more, it is painful to see Damian in pain, but I want to treasure this time with God, because I know that He is taking us so much deeper into Him and with each other. Something so beautiful is going to be birthed through this, and I know that we will look back at this time as something so precious that we wouldn't trade it for anything. He is so glorious and so beautiful, and I know that He's doing all this to give us more freedom, more healing, more deliverance so that we can come even closer to Him.
I love Him so much!
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." - Psalm 23:4
And this blog post just wouldn't be complete without me saying, I love you so much, Damian :) Thank you for walking through this with me and sharing in my pain. I know that when we get through this, our love, joy and healing will be multiplied! You are the only one for me!
Over the last 4 months, God has been putting me through the fire, doing open-heart surgery to remove deep-rooted issues and it has been so painful. It has been difficult to ward off discouragement, and even last night, I felt so much anguish that I am still not where I want to be.
Today I spent the day avoiding God, so ashamed that I keep failing Him over and over. I was so distracted and bothered that nothing could keep my attention until I went hunting through my drawers and found an old journal. It was the journal that I kept during the year that I first received the Lord. As I read it, I couldn't stop weeping as I saw that even in all my struggles and powerlessness, He really saw all the desires in my heart back then and He has more than fulfilled what I once dreamt of.
Now I have new dreams of higher levels and a deeper hunger for intimacy with Him, but I can see that He has been so faithful...that even in the midst of the darkness that I came from, He had been planting seeds in my heart, seeds that have blossoming. I am in another season now where He is weeding and uprooting, and I know that even though I might not understand things, just like in the past, I can have confidence that even in the light of seeing all my weaknesses, He knows what He is doing and that He will never fail me.
I really want to attach to this blog post a copy of a poem that I wrote a month before I was saved. I had been going to church for about 4 months by then, but I was still very much deep into the drugs, drinking and self-destructiveness. I was so moved when I found it because I could see so clearly how far God has taken me.
I am not satisfied with the place that I am in right now, but thank God I am not in the place I used to be!
"Blinded, the darkness floods
the torch in my heart,
Crying, gurgling in despair and pain,
I drown in the River of the Night.
Father, You are faithful and true,
You deliver a glimmer of light,
A spark of hope. A shimmer of sunshine
at the surface of the water guiding me.
I swim upwards, eyes focused on You.
Escaping the corpses in the deep cold,
Shivering, tainted to my bones,
You ignite my spirit, warmth radiating from Your love.
Keep my fire burning, Father,
Extinguish my doubts and fear.
I want to depend on You,
Engulfed in Your magnificent love and joy.
I relinquish control, with You I will never sink.
Purchased at a price, my life is Yours.
How could I have been so faithless,
Destroyed by the disease of the world.
Father, I long to be with You,
Everlasting peace, a stream of joy,
An ocean of eternal love.
Unworthy, and yet I was chosen.
I will take Your hand and trust You,
With You I can soar..."
I am just so amazed...I wrote this at a time when I did not know any Christians, had not said any Sinner's Prayer, NO ONE had even taught me the 'language' to communicate with God...and yet, He took care of me, revealed Himself to me and taught me everything that I know today.
There was no Body of Christ back then to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and minister Christ's love to me. Christians shunned me and wanted nothing to do with me, and yet, He had compassion on me and bent down from heaven to clothe me and comfort me Himself.
I am comforted. I always thought that I 'love' God now, but I didn't back then...but how merciful He is that in my time of discouragement, He would show me my heart, so that I would know that even though my actions didn't match my desires back then, He still saw those budding virtues that He had planted in me. He is my God, my Gardener, the One who made all those seeds grow and I know that He will take me even higher from here.
I am back.
I've been away for a while...
About a month ago, I received 11 nasty comments from an anonymous person on my blog and though I didn't have any problems forgiving them, I did feel quite hurt and intimidated and that kept me away for this time. One of the comments this "Christian" person made that was like acid upon my heart was a comment that people like me must've come from a sexually abused background, and therefore my fear makes me make up crap about God that is not true.
Let me tell you a part of my story of my God and how He saved me. I won't tell the whole story, because that would take too much time, but one day in heaven, all will be revealed and Jesus will receive great glory from my life because He indeed is my Redeemer, my Restorer and my Saviour. Apart from Him, there is no other.
Yes, the anonymous comment had some truth in it. I was molested when I was a little girl. I was too young to understand what was going on, and when the man died two weeks later, I blamed myself and thought that it was because there was something wrong with me. I didn't dare to tell anyone, because I was afraid that they would confirm my suspicions that I did indeed "kill" that man with my wickedness.
I grew up with so much shame...so much guilt...so much condemnation of who I am. Everyday I woke up with an apology on my face. "Sorry for breathing, sorry for taking up space, sorry for being me"...I was so afraid of making mistakes...I had to be perfect and no one must ever know what I'm really like...
When I was 12, I was bullied by my own group of bestfriends and no one stood up for me. I wound up in the hospital 2 days before my 13th birthday because in a fit of despair, I overdosed on pills. I remember it so clearly...I honestly thought that everyone would be happy with me gone because I was so "wrong". Some people feel guilt for doing bad things...I felt guilt for being me. For existing. For using up resources that clearly could have gone to better deserving people.
I grew up with so much pain...so much pain hidden inside and no one understood because no one knew my story. Many told me to toughen up...many told me that I was spoilt and that I was only depressed because I had the luxury to fall apart. So I punished myself for not being good enough. I drank, I slept around, I cut myself...everytime the world threw more crap at me, I punished myself and wished I was dead.
My teenage years were a blur...I was 16, maybe 17, I really can't remember, when I was raped. That started my downward spiral into drugs. I had been in therapy and medication for a while now but it was just a band-aid for a gaping hole in my heart. I was 18 when I vowed to take 6 more months to see if life would get better, if not I would kill myself.
And this was where Jesus found me.
21st of May, 2004.
That was the day I was saved. He found me, and on that day, I was on my knees for 7 hours, crying and weeping because for the first time in my life, I felt like I was coming home. I didn't know what I was coming home to, but I knew that I had never known a peace and love like this before. I finally understood that there was Someone who had seen everything that had happened, Someone who didn't blame me for my sins but who understood...Someone whose heart broke along with mine all these years. Someone who had wept over me because I was so lost.
And now here I am, 5 years later...free from alcohol, free from smoking, free from immorality...just FREE! I am surrounded with love everyday and He has more than restored everything that was taken from me. He restored my relationship with my Dad when I thought it couldn't be saved. He deepened my relationship with my Mum when I was sure it couldn't go deeper. He gave me a second chance to start life again with a clean slate and He gave me my dignity and purity back.
Yes, I understand that sharing all this might potentially change people's views of me...and yes, maybe even some of the people that I love might walk away from me. But you know what? I will not stay silent any longer. I will not live with the shame of things that were done to me and taken from me when I was just a vulnerable and fragile child. It is time to give a voice to the voiceless and stand up for the truth. This is not just my story, but it is God's story of how He knew me, loved me and fought for me so that I might know Him and have all my tears wiped away.
I have fallen so deep in love with Him. My Jesus, fully man and fully God...my God who came down from heaven and died for me so that I might not just receive forgiveness but healing. He is the One who gave me everything that I have. I praise Him for those He has used in my life, especially my parents who have faithfully provided for me and given me above and beyond what I deserve, but I know that everything I have comes from His hand. Every good and perfect gift comes from my Father of Light.
Why is He everything to me? Because I know that I know that He is all I have. I do not blame anyone for my circumstances...I do not even blame those who have hurt me, but I love and forgive them because I know that they are all broken people too. I bless them and know that my fight is not with them but with the enemy of our souls. He was out to get me, and no one, not even my parents or boyfriends could ever protect me from what happened. This is a fallen and sinful world. Bad things DO happen to good people...but even good people are all sinners, for all have fallen short of the glory of God.
He alone protects me...He alone guards my way and leads me along paths of righteousness. In Him I will trust because He is the only One worthy of all of me. He is my Father, my Bridegroom, my Bestfriend. He is everything.
The anonymous commenter said that it is because of my fear that I make stuff up about God.
I say it is His love, my love, OUR love, that I know my God.
Those who don't understand may say that this is all fanciful imagination to help me cope with a dark world. But you don't get it. I would not only gladly die for my Jesus...I would live for Him. I would choose, not out of obligation, not out of duty, but out of love to die to my desires, my dreams, my own wants, everyday so that He can live through me and make something so beautiful out of my life. Even if I walk through pain and suffering all of my life, I will choose to praise Him and give Him all glory. It might take me some time to get to that place, but I will keep choosing Him until He makes me into someone whose heart is fully committed to Him. He walks with me and He comforts and heals me...that is enough to make my life richer than it's ever been before.
I never knew that life could be this good, this sweet, this amazing. I will praise my God, and I will love Him and serve Him...and if anyone would call me crazy and mad, my prayer is that we would ALL be crazy and mad, for He is so good. He is the most kindest, loving, amazing Person that I've ever known and I haven't even scratched the surface of knowing His goodness.
We were all created to worship. Whether we like it or not, we are slaves to the gods that we serve, whether it's work, relationships, fame, fortune...
I choose to serve and worship the Living God.
I don't mean to sound arrogant or prideful, but this is something that I will never stop declaring...that my God is good, and that He IS the only Way, the only Truth, and the only Life.
I had the most wonderful time with the Lord today...it's been a long time since I've felt His delight and pleasure in me. I know that objectively it hasn't been that long, but I'm so used to dwelling in His presence and delight everyday that it's felt like an eternity.
I couldn't really understand why I was still hurting even though God healed me and helped me to forgive the people who hurt me on Sunday night. That was a really awesome night too, and although it was scary confronting my hurt and pain, I felt His healing touch and received His peace once again. So I was pretty confused as to why I was still feeling so down, and I couldn't understand why I was still avoiding Him. I knew that I was still running away from Him even though He was telling me He loved me so many times and I totally didn't understand.
Yesterday I got home from handing in my assignment after pulling an all-nighter. It was about 4:00pm and I was trying to figure out whether I should spend time with God or just crawl into bed because I was so tired. For some reason, I just sat on my bed and cried and cried (it seems like this is all I've done this month), and I was so sick of it that I ended up popping 2 melatonin pills (they're some herbal supplements to make you sleepy) and went to bed. I was trying to make sure that I would sleep for as long as I could so that maybe, just maybe, when I woke up, things would be better.
Just before I dozed off, I put on some worship music and muttered, "Jesus, please come find me...I don't know how to find You anymore and I'm so lost". At one point during the night, I woke up and actually felt His presence in my room (which confused me a little), but I was too exhausted to do anything other than mumble, "Thank You, Jesus, thank You, Jesus."
I had a strange dream last night where I was talking to someone and they said, "You know what's wrong with you? You never fight" and I denied it and disagreed but they said, "Here, I'll prove it". And then they hit me. The first time they hit me, I fought back and defended myself, but then he hit me again and again, and I just lay there and took it because I thought I deserved it.
Today when I was out, I realised that there's a difference between laying down your life out of love, and taking all the crap that the world throws at you because you think you deserve it. I didn't realise it before but I had been so angry at myself for being so sensitive and soft because I got so sick of being hurt easily. This world exalts strength and independence, and I know how weak and sensitive I am, and 3 weeks ago when I got hurt by those who were closest to me, I got so angry at myself and actually hated myself for being so weak. I was filled with so much hatred and disgust for myself that my thoughts went along the lines of, "You deserve to feel all this pain, you stupid, weak, sensitive loser". I was just so tired of feeling useless, insignificant, too sensitive, too soft, too...pathetic.
I tried to toughen up by closing my heart, and I guess I became really angry and bitter towards God for making me this way. I couldn't understand why He had gone so wrong when He made me. But today, when I was in IKEA (yeah, IKEA of all places!), He suddenly said, "You know, Tiff, I didn't create you to be so supersensitive so that the world could hurt you over and over, and not so that you could hate yourself. I made you this way so that you could connect with me, hear me and love me on a deeper level so much more easily." And then it clicked. Being me isn't a bad thing...He didn't make any mistakes...I'm good just the way I am.
I missed Him so much right then, so I went straight home to be with Him. I asked Him what He had been doing in my room the night before when I felt His presence and He showed me a vision of me sleeping in bed, strands of my hair stuck to my face from crying myself to sleep. He was there, brushing my hair from my face and He had tears in His eyes as He bent over and kissed my cheek. I saw Him whisper, "Come back, My child. Come back. I miss you."
I couldn't stop crying when He showed me this, and I just called out His name. And you know what? The second I called out His name, His presence was in my room! He didn't play any games with me, didn't make me wait to punish me for avoiding Him these last 3 weeks, and didn't even make me "press in more" so that I could "prove" that I really wanted Him. He was watching for me and while I was still at a distance away, He saw me coming home and He ran towards me.
You know...I don't have it all together and I know that I so often feel pressure from the world to act like I'm a good Christian who never has any struggles. But in a way, I really thank God that He's made my face and life such an open book that it's so obvious to everyone the minute I'm not doing well because it saves me all that energy of pretending. I really praise God that I don't have to have it all figured out or to even be "strong" (sometimes I hate that word) because I think I'm understanding more and more the longer I walk with Him that I don't need to be anything apart from His. It doesn't matter about my strengths or my weaknesses, it doesn't matter where I fall short, I don't even need to figure out who I am...all that matters is that I know that I am His and everything else will flow out of this place of understanding.
I don't have to feel like a hypocrite when I say I love Him but still get scared. I don't have to feel bad when I say I love Him but I still feel hurt. Loving Him doesn't mean I will never make mistakes or become the "perfect Christian" overnight. But by His grace, I am what I am and though my love is still immature, still weak, He is the One who will turn it into the blazing inferno that I want it to be.
In my weakness, I can choose Him. In my pain, I can choose Him and be wholehearted towards Him. I can choose to be passionate about Him and to live for Him today even though tomorrow might still scare me. He doesn't discount me just because I still have doubts or fears sometimes. He loves me for who I am in this moment right now and not who I will be in the future.
He is my God and no one else can ever take my place in His heart because I am irreplaceable and significant to Him.
Hallelujah!
I am so touched by the comments that I've been receiving lately. Thank you, Eunice & Sharon for encouraging me so much and leaving me comments so that I would know that people actually read this little blog of mine :D
For the last two weeks, my emotions have been all over the place and I finally hit the bottom last Thursday. It was especially bad, and I don't know how it happened but by about midnight, I was convinced that God didn't really love me and it was a little weird but I actually couldn't even recall or remember all the ways that God had shown me His love in the past.
Anyways, I guess I reacted out of a place of hurt, anger and confusion...even though the "adult" me was trying to pull it all together, the little kid inside of me was just feeling so emotional that I ended up trying to "test" God's love for me by deliberately placing myself in a dangerous position. The whole time I was "daring" God to prove His love to me by rescuing me (yes, yes, I know, it wasn't the most mature thing to do, but that was where I was at the time and I'm just being honest about it) but He didn't seem to be reacting. He wasn't stopping me at all or rescuing me from the dangerous position I put myself in, and as time slowly crept by, I got more and more scared because I didn't know why He wasn't acting.
But, just when I gave up all hope of Him rescuing me, suddenly He started moving. First, He sent a good friend of mine to me, and that friend walked with me all around my neighbourhood while I raved and ranted all my frustration, anger and pain...he didn't have any answers for me, and to be honest, I don't really remember much of what he said, but I remember him being there next to me, and I remember feeling love that was coming not just from him, but from Jesus inside him too. Even in my pain and ugliness, I really did feel so accepted for who I am and not what I do. It was just so nice to have someone walk beside me and just be there because I've never really experienced that many times in my life.
We ended up walking and walking, and I just kept banging on about how I was so hurt and confused. I had so many questions, like 'why had I been broken so many times in my life', and 'why hadn't God intervened?' We walked through the city to the harbour where the sea was lit up by tiny lights on boats, and then from the harbour to the park. We just kept walking, and the more we walked, the more I felt God's presence wrapping around me, and at first I refused to acknowledge Him because what I wanted was not that He would comfort me but that He would change my circumstances. But slowly He kept embracing me, and by the time we walked onto the middle of an empty basketball court, I was too tired to fight against Him anymore.
We sat down and I was too tired to even sit up so I just flopped backwards and laid down, and it was just crazy because the sky was filled with so many stars. For those of you who don't live in Hong Kong, you probably don't understand the significance of this but where I live is right in the middle of the city so there are too many lights and too much POLLUTION to even see ONE star on most nights. There were so many stars that night though, and just when I thought the night was about as good as it could get, my friend and I suddenly saw a shooting star fly through the sky.
It was incredible. It was the first shooting star I'd ever seen, and not only that but, out of all the places I could have seen my first, I saw it in a place where you NEVER see any stars let alone shooting stars! I didn't realise the significance of seeing that shooting star until the next morning but when I realised it, I was so moved that I couldn't stop crying.
See, last year in Nepal, I prayed and asked God to let me see one shooting star so that I would know that He loves me, but He didn't. At the time, I really struggled a lot with this because I didn't understand why He wouldn't just show me one, and so this time when I saw the shooting star, it was as if God was saying, "I saved this shooting star for now because this was when you needed it the most. This shooting star is a symbol of how much I love you - that I would move the heavens and the earth to show you a visible sign that My heart is for you and that I will never leave you. I will not only protect you and keep you safe because I am your Father, but I will always go above and beyond what is required to woo and captivate your heart."
You know, I would have gone home and praised God just for sending my good friend to be with me and for protecting me that night, but He went ABOVE AND BEYOND what was His 'duty' and sent me an actual shooting star to tell me that He does love me. Even though I had to repent for how I had tried to test His love and for hurting Him, I really learnt that night that my God is a pursuing and relentless God.
I guess I still sometimes have issues with performance where I feel like He is only pleased with me when I respond to things in the 'right and mature way' all the time. Sometimes I still struggle with trying to 'earn' His love even though I know that nothing I do will ever be enough. I get scared sometimes that if I stop clinging to Him, He'll just let me go and I'll fall from His hand, but that night just showed me so clearly that even when I don't choose Him, even when I am acting like an immature, stupid kid, He will NEVER EVER let me go simply because I am His and He loves me. I don't have to put any pressure on myself to do this or do that, but I can just BE and rest in the assurance that my Father loves me and thinks I'm awesome.
This is an extravagent love that I just don't understand, but all I know is that when I encountered it, I know that nothing will ever satisfy me again except to have more and more of His love. I want to know how high, how deep, and how wide His love is for me. I don't want to just know it, but I want to experience it until the revelation becomes part of me and hidden in my heart. I was created for love and man, oh man, I praise my God that He is faithful, that He never fails, and that He is so kind, so merciful, so gracious and so full of love that there is nothing I could ever do to separate me from His love.
Because seriously, if everything depended on me...oh man...I would be screwed :)
I don't know who you are, but man, you made my day with this comment :) It was such an encouragement to me and I had such a big smile on my face when I read your comment yesterday.
Why is my heart playing the roller-coaster game with me lately? It's like one moment I'm flying high, and then the next moment, I'm feeling completely empty and alone. The more time I spend with people these days, the more I feel 'off' and empty...I just feel so dissatisfied and it's been a long time since I've felt like this.
Walking in this world is not easy, and everywhere I turn, there are all these competiting affections that vie for the attention that I long to lavish upon my King. I know that lately I've been praying that God would set me even more apart and consecrate me to Himself. I know that I've also been praying that He would make my heart fully committed to Him because I have been so distressed to find that my heart is just so prone to wander away from the God that I love. I long so desperately to experience in full the reality of the truth that "better is one day in Your courts than a thousand elsewhere". I know that we often say that, but I know that I don't always live as if I believed that with all my heart.
I want Him to be my Everything...and I know that a big part of this dissatisfaction that I'm feeling is so that I would draw even deeper into intimacy with my Lord. It's His mercy that He would open my eyes and show me how even the best things in this world like friendship and laughter are all nothing compared to Him...I see that in my life, I still rely so much on other people as a source of delight and pleasure and I never realised how much I depended on them until the Lord started challenging me to just steal away for a season and tune out everything and seek His face.
It frustrates me and makes me so angry to see how deceitful my heart is...I LONG to spend more time with Him, but somehow I always find myself hanging out with friends...Even though I want so much more from Jesus than I have now, there's still that fleshly part of me that gets scared that if I truly let go of everyone and everything so that I can have more of Him, that I will wake up one day and realise that I'm all alone :( Most of the time when I hang out with friends, it's because I'm so scared of 'missing out' and really, that's not a good enough reason!!!
It's funny though...I feel so much better now after blogging about it...My emotions are still BLAHHHHHH, but at least my mind is no longer thinking, "You're so insignificant...no one cares about you". Haha, and at least I no longer feel like throwing something at peoples' heads and screaming at them. My mind is clearer now and I know that all this is an opportunity to really show God that I mean it when I pray, "Lord, all I am is Yours". I know that I'm not really leaving people and that I'm not really alone, all that He wants for me in this season is to experience even more deeper intimacy with Him but I can't because right now my life is so busy that I can't seek Him as much as I want to.
I'll be okay, because my God reigns and He is with me!!! He will help me to surrender and embrace Him so that I might consider all things a loss compared with the surpassing greatness of knowing Him. How I long to know You more, Lord! If it means giving up most of my social time so that I can experience more of You, then help me, my Jesus, to do this because I must have more of You. I must, I must, I must...there is a hunger inside of me that drives me to desperation and unless I have more of You, I will be trying to fill a void with worldly things that will never fill a Jesus-shaped vacuum.
"I said to the LORD, 'You are my Lord; apart from You I have no good thing.'" - Psalm 16:2
Oh my precious Jesus, may I know the sweetness of a life that is completely devoted to You...may I be moulded into an extravagent lovesick worshipper. May I know the joy of a life that is lived out of a heart that is one with Yours, where every step I take is walked in the deepest communion and intimacy with You. Take me deeper, no matter what the cost. Even if it hurts or sucks at first...I want to fly higher and higher with You, even if it means giving up everything I have...make me someone who doesn't even have to count the cost because I am so desperately in love with You. Help me to love You more!!! I want to love You more and more each day, my Lord!
My heart feels so broken and raw right now.
I don't really know what's going on, but ever since God started telling me to come fly with Him, everything I say seems to be hurting people. I feel like I'm on a completely different page to everyone, and I see things so clearly that sometimes it frustrates me when people don't see it.
As I was crying out to God just now, He reminded me of a prophecy that I received at DTS last year where someone said that they could see this house. Most of the people function in the basement and first floor of this house, but the Lord had chosen me to function in the top floors, and to have the ability to see doorways and staircases that no one else could see. He said that the Lord was choosing me to be someone who went ahead to prepare the way, to open doors for people and to lead them through them.
I guess I had totally forgotten that prophecy, but tonight when God reminded me of it, it really resounded in me. Something has changed in me in the last month, and suddenly I see things so differently from before...I have so much more faith, confidence and hope in every circumstance and this crazy peace that is so much more constant than it's ever been because I don't seem to see situations in the 'natural' anymore, but I can actually look upwards and see what God is doing, and even when I don't understand it, I have this joy and trust in knowing that He is so good.
It frustrates me so much though...I can see these open doorways that the Lord is so desperately wanting people to walk through because it is through these doorways that they will receive their healing and joy, but trying to point people there is like trying to describe colours to a blind man. I've never been able to see so clearly before (and I know that I'm not even seeing half of what the Lord is doing), and I don't know how to communicate everything the Lord has shown me in words...
I love people so much when I see them struggling, I want so much to help them to find those doorways because I've walked through them and found my peace, but everytime I try to show them, I end up saying things that upset them instead. *sigh* I don't know what to do. I've just been sitting here crying because I hate knowing that somehow even though I'm doing what God is asking me to do, I somehow must not be doing everything right because people are getting upset with me...I don't know...
All I know is that God has set me apart, and I'm a sort of forerunner...going ahead of people so that I can come back and show them the way...I just don't want people to get hurt while I'm trying to hear from God how to do this. God has been moving so fast in my life that I don't even know how I changed so much, so how do I even explain to people what happened?!?! Sometimes I think it's easier to just not even bother, but it doesn't work...I've given so much of my will over to Jesus that even when I've been hurt, trampled on, it's not even an option to get offended and bitter...I'm a prisoner to the Holy Spirit and His love inside me compels me to keep choosing Him again and again. His love in me keeps me picking up my cross again and again and He won't let me stop.
Tonight when I was sitting here pouring out my heart to my Love, I felt Him whisper, "When the world hates you, run into My arms" and I believe that this is my solution. Not to work out what to say or how to say things because all that will flow out of that relationship with Him. All I need is to keep crying out for more of Him because unless I learn how to live in the center of His embrace, I am so lost.
Oh Lord, what I had yesterday in the past is not enough for today or tomorrow...I cannot survive on what I had yesterday. I need more and more of You...I could get by on less of You before, but I am completely out of my depth, and unless I have Your arms wrapped around me, I don't even know how to take another step forward. I am nothing without You, my Lord, and my heart is so fragile, so sensitive, so tender...You are all I have, my Jesus...make my confidence in You unshakeable and impart to me a new boldness and fearlessness that I would be someone who is an influencer rather than influenced. Make me someone who can influence every conversation to glorify You rather than to just go with the flow. Increase Your presence within me and set me apart for Yourself, my Lord!
Oh Father, do whatever it takes to make me like the One I love, that the world would know that I belong to Him. May I be so one with You that everywhere I go, I would carry the fragrance of my sweet Jesus with me. May You receive all the glory that is due unto You from my life. Receive Your full inheritance in me, Lord. Teach me to live as Your daughter, and help me to never forget those who still live as though they do not have a Father because they do not know You.
I'm not the one who changes hearts and lives, but I am here, my Father, willing and available to You to use as You please. Even if it means being hurt everyday...Lord, as long as I have Your sweet presence wrapped around me, the purpose of my life and existence is complete. More of You, Lord, and less of me.
I know nothing.
Honestly, the more I walk with Him, the more I realise that I know absolutely nothing. I can do absolutely nothing apart from Him and I dare not trust myself at all. I am frustrated by my weaknesses, and I am fed up by all my failed attempts to change myself...this is why I need a Saviour...There is nothing I can do, with the most passionate of human zeal to ever change this deceitful heart of mine.
As I was praying earlier, I was a vision of me entering into the throne room of God but there was this long checklist trailing behind me. On it, I saw certain items like, 'Spend time with God', 'Prayed for people', 'Listened to someone's problems', 'Encouraged someone'...
These were the things that I didn't realise that I did to make myself 'feel' righteous and like a 'good Christian', but God showed me that this was actually a work of my flesh apart from Christ, and that this was not what He desired for me. Jesus wanted me to know that it is only by His blood that I am made righteous and that He wanted me to lose all those lists of demands and expectations that I place upon myself. No more, 'I should' and 'I shouldn't', but just a deep knowing that there is no performance involved in my Father's love for me.
I try and try and try to please Him, but everytime without fail, I fall flat on my face.
Oh Lord, help me!!! Only You can change this prideful, hardened heart of mine...
I haven't been myself ever since I moved to Hong Kong last week.
It's so hard because everything that I am and all my strengths are what is considered a 'weakness' by society here. I wanted to fit in so badly and to feel like I belong that I started to hide who I was and pretend to be the more 'acceptable' version of me. Add to that the pain I felt when I was rejected by someone I cared so deeply about, and you have a recipe for disaster.
Honestly, on the surface, nothing really bad has happened. In fact, if you didn't look too closely, my smile and laughter could almost fool you, but look deeper and you'd see the growing emptiness and confusion inside me. I wish I could be cool and sophisticated, the way everyone seems to be here...but the truth is, I will never be anything other than a simple girl who loves her God more than anything in this world. I tried to hide my love for Him all this last week, not just in my words, but in my behaviour too, and by doing that, I hid myself because I'm really no longer the old me. He is my life, and He is me...when I hide Him, I hide myself.
But no more. All the fitting in and belonging in the world means nothing if I don't have Him by my side. I am so lost without Jesus.
I prayed and repented to God tonight...the truth is, ever since I got here, I had trusted in my position, wealth, beauty and charm to fit in and it has worked to a certain extent. But tonight I realised that really, the most beautiful thing about me is Jesus. Everything good about me IS Jesus. There is nothing good about me apart from Him.
I don't want to deny Him anymore.
Maybe I won't be one of the 'cool' kids or part of the in-crowd...but I know that in the last week, I have made so many friends and done really super 'cool' things, but everything in me feels like it's dying because every little choice I made was an act of turning my back on Jesus. Nothing is worth sacrificing my relationship with my Saviour.
I can't live without Him.
Ever since I started the 40 day fast asking God to refine me and burn me of everything that is not of Him, teach me to lay down my rights and also to heal me of my insecurities and hurts, nothing has gone the way it's supposed to.
Everything that I have deeply cared about, from possessions to sleep, change of plans to relationships, one by one, everything that I loved has been subject to His fire. Tonight was the biggest blow so far...the one thing that I feared so much actually happened but somehow through it all, His grace is with me and I feel peace.
My fast really isn't in vain...He is honouring His side of the deal and bringing me deeper and deeper in vulnerability and dependence upon Him. I have no security, no one to turn to, and because of this, I am starting to know more and more that I really have nothing apart from Him.
I've been praying lately that He would heal me of my insecurities.
Tonight He told me, "The way to be healed of your insecurities is to walk through them with Me."
So out of His grace, He has placed me in the exact situations that I thought I could never handle, so that I would know deep down in my heart the confidence that I have in Him. I came home tonight so sad, laid on my bed and cried and poured out my heart to Him and by the end of the hour, I was actually laughing at the jokes He was making. Yes, God makes jokes :) He actually has a really awesome sense of humour.
I had a few thoughts fly into my head saying, 'Why don't you go drink? Why don't you visit your friends who're out tonight?' but I quickly squashed them and not once did I ever entertain that possibility. Neither did I call anyone or watch mindless movies (my common distraction techniques), but I told God that I would go to Him first, not because I expect His comfort (sometimes instead of consolation He gives us grace to simply endure) but because I wanted to honour Him as Number One in my life and let Him choose how He would respond.
I really praise God for this painful situation that tested my love for Him because I always feared that I would fall back into drinking if something bad happened. But tonight, I passed and that love has grown stronger. I just need to remember that it is in my weakness that His strength is made perfect, so I cannot rely on myself but place full dependence upon Him to deliver me.
I told Him that I would continue to surrender to His refining, knowing that it hurts Him to see me hurt but that it is necessary to pay that price if I truly want to be His bride who reflects His glory and beauty. I told Him that I wanted to continue walking through the fire with Him and that I would not back down from this period of intense dying to self.
And then I told Him, "I will submit to You, but You and I both know that man, I will be glad when these 40 days of fasting is over!" And suddenly I found myself laughing hysterically and then I knew, this is what it means 'The joy of the Lord is your strength'. Afterwards, I felt so renewed and strengthened and ready to face these ongoing challenges.
Thank You, Lord, that even though You refine me, You are so gentle. You prepared me for today's disappointment not only yesterday and today, but in March! I pulled out my journal just now and read the exact words You spoke to me about this situation during March, and now it's come to pass. Deeper, Lord, take me deeper.
There are always areas of my life that are unsurrendered to God, and just when I'm getting all pleased about the things that I have thrown off, He reveals to me something new. Oh Lord, this one is so painful, because it is not like the other things that were bad for me. This one is good, but Lord, it is not the best thing for me right now. I want to be a useful tool in Your magnificent hands, and so I am committed to removing from my life anything that hinders me from having an undivided heart.
Lord, You have shown me that You cannot use me the way You want to in Singapore as long as my heart is still in Hong Kong. You showed me how my plan to visit Hong Kong in October was not really as innocent as I wanted to think, but it was me trying to cling to and hang on to what I have already moved on from. I wanted to go back to see all my friends, and most of all, to spend time with D, but I know that by doing so, I would prevent myself from really committing to my time in Singapore. I believe it is Your will for me to be in Singapore, and so I can't live my life here going through the motions, living for my next visit back to Hong Kong. I have to let it go. I have to let D go.
I had the choice between going back to Hong Kong for a visit or going on a family holiday, and even though I had planned my trip to Hong Kong first, I know that I came back here to Singapore to be with my family, so even though it hurts so much, I choose to go with my family. Love is a choice, and I choose to love my family by putting them above my desires, because they are important to me and I want them to know that. God, You called me back to Singapore to be a blessing to my family and to serve them, so how could I be so selfish as to choose my own desires above my family? Lord, please bless the time that we spend together as a family. Let it be a time of joy and bonding...give us memories that we'll cherish for a long, long time, and even when those memories fade, let us never forget the love that we have for each other. Your will, Lord, and not mine.
I surrender Hong Kong and my longings to You, Lord. Give me a heart for Singapore, and help me to invest in the people here, and to start thinking of it as my new home. Create in me a pure heart, and renew my spirit within me.
"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." - Matthew 6:21
I'm finding it hard to keep my eyes focused on Him right now. I want to recount and rejoice over all the blessings that He has given me this last week, but my heart is aching so much right now from missing my friends in Hong Kong. I miss the familiarity, the knowledge that I can break this silence by picking up the phone and calling someone. I don't know why I'm feeling so down when God is doing such amazing things around me, but I will sit here and wait on God.
I guess it's only natural to mourn, but I need to stop looking to the left and right, and look straight ahead at the glory of God. He says that those who put their hope in Him will never be put to shame, and even though my emotions are telling me that I'm going to hurt like this forever, I will put my trust in my Lord because I know that He is good. He is already providing and doing new things in my life to help me settle in, I just need to be patient, perservere and remain strong in Him.
Oh Lord, my treasure is seeking You and serving You, and that's why I'm in Singapore, so please let my heart and emotions catch up soon. I feel like I'm physically in Singapore but my heart is in Hong Kong...please fly it over to my new home. Please surround me with Your love...Father, let me surrender and drown in Your love, losing all of myself until there is only You everywhere I look.
Let me not turn to anyone else and depend on them to comfort me and reassure me, because I know that the only one that can do that is You, Lord. I've tried to turn to people, and activities, and things to numb out pain, but if there's anything I've learnt is that they do not satisfy for long. Only You do. So please, Lord, take my hand and bring me out of this misery. I cling to You because You are more than enough for me.
I was thinking tonight that maybe I was beyond redemption. Maybe I've just been so broken and shattered by the world that there's no hope for piecing together my heart because it has been stomped on so much and ground into a powder that no glue can make whole. I've forsaken all the good things and people in exchange for that which will take me straight to the hell that God brought me out of last year.
Then I heard Peter Orasuk's testimony on how God saved him from dying as a drug addict and spending eternity in hell. As I listened to it while lying in my bed, I did everything I could, surf other websites, fix my nails, whatever I could to deny the truth of what he was saying. But I couldn't. To carry on wallowing in my guilt and shame away from God, instead of reaching out to Him for forgiveness would be denying the power of Jesus's blood. I really believed that God could not and would not want to love someone like me. But could I really be that arrogant as to believe that Jesus's blood could not save me? No, I can't. And if He can save Peter Orasuk, then He can save me too.
I keep waiting to hit rock bottom because I believed that it was the only way that any lasting change would happen. But each time I fall, my definition of 'rock bottom' sinks lower, and I am so scared of how low it could go. Do I really have to lose everything before I am broken enough to be different? I am so tired, so so tired of fighting this battle. This constant war. I've been trying to get sober for 4 years now, and for the last 2, I've had Jesus on my side...so why am I still not different? Why must I be so stubborn and cling to all the things that are so bad for me?
God, I've reached the end of what I can do. I am so weary, so exhausted, You have to take over. No one understands. No one is filling this emptiness inside me. Alcohol feeds the emptiness inside me for a while, but when I sober up, the emptiness multiplies. Jesus, teach me to find joy in You. I thought that I was becoming a different person over the last month...but after this weekend, I feel like I'm still the same old me. What's the use in trying when I just end up disappointing everyone around me?
I believe You will save me, God. I guess I just have to start believing that You aren't just 'going' to save me, but that You already have, and are saving me right now at this very moment. Be with me in this dark, endless night, my Father, and give me the courage to stare at my sin straight in its evil eyes and watch it get washed away.
There is this cold iciness that's gripping my heart and creeping along my stomach. The guilt, the shame, the horror eating away at me as it usually does when the numbness starts to thaw a few days after a fall. In a world full of colour, my world is surprisingly black and grey right now. Even lights seem darker and sounds seem further away.
My friend is trying to find ways to stop feeling so crushed after things fell apart with the guy she just met, but I can see the futility of her thinking and plans. I can only see this because I have done all the things that she's planning to do, and I know that they bring only death and not life or joy. Everything has no meaning and nothing will take away the hurt apart from God. I find myself so easily persuaded by our little conversations and I know that in our friendship, we are nothing but a bad influence on each other. I wish that I had been a better friend and a better influence on her...even though I'm a fairly new Christian just like her, I should've known better than to have taken our socialising into bars and clubs.
I am so weak. I listened before when people told me to start trusting in myself more and to be more strong, but honestly, the only time I stood firm in the face of temptation was when I was depending wholeheartedly on God and not putting an ounce of faith in myself. HE is my hope. HE is my salvation. Without Him, I would just keeping falling and falling. Would it be strong to distance myself from my friend because I know we're a bad influence on each other? I don't think she would understand and I'm pretty sure she'd say I'm being 'one of those Christians' so it scares me, but I want this year to be different. I want permanent long-lasting change.
The explanation for my behaviour is elusive. All I know is that the battle over alcohol yesterday, I have lost. And what I have lost is not just the battle, but my parents trust and probably one of the best friends I've ever had. And for what? To ring in the new year with a random guy to forget about my ex and convince myself I'm not alone. The thing is, I was never alone...I have so many friends and family who love me, but if I keep going this way, then I really will end up alone.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry.
"Nobody’s going to lie to you: being a Christian has never been easy. Although salivating lions no longer threaten, MTV-stylized culture presents equal danger in the slick smiles of pop stars. And you think Christianity is hard? Try living a life empty of Christ. Impossible.Even with the progress I've made over the last 6 months, I still feel stuck in the in-between. I thought that I was firmly standing with God, but only recently have I realised just how easy it is to fall away. In the beginning, I felt so much joy walking with God, but as I started walking with other Christians, somewhere along the way I started feeling like I had to live up to their expectations. This drew me away from pleasing God towards pleasing people, and somehow over the last week, I've been so overwhelmed with feeling that I could never reach those expectations that I just wanted to throw in the towel and walk away.
Yet there is something even more fraught with peril than either of those paths -- a life filled with guilt, a constant sense of failing, and utter confusion.
I go home dejected. Where do I fit in? I’m not Christian enough for my Christian friends, and too Christian for all the people who have ever meant anything to me. I have disappointed everyone, most especially myself. I am an utter failure as a person.
Worse, I don’t even know what I believe. Do I truly think that a movie is going to poison my mind for all eternity? Do I really want to go back to the life of bar-hopping that had driven me to Jesus in the first place? Who's right?"
I lost myself and focus in some friendships recently and my own faith started feeling like it wasn't my own but dependent on other people. I want to take a step back from spending so much time with friends and begin to spend more time alone with God, especially now that it's Christmas season. Spending so much time with friends made me feel like I was in a constant tug-of-war between the Christian and non-Christian world. Until I figure out and am able to stand firmly with God, I need to devote more of my time to growing than socializing.
On this day I vow, with you readers as my witnesses, to never ever meet, talk or socialise with my old friends again. Actually, I shouldn't even call them friends, because they're not, and all they've ever done is hurt me again and again. It's terrible...I've not felt so much hatred towards people in a long time.
Last night, it was like I was 12 again and being bullied by my bestfriends. Rejected, alone, afraid. Now I just pray God gives me enough grace to stop me from slapping them if I ever see them again.
It's simple really. I don't wanna be me.
I felt out of the place the second I stepped onto the boat. Everyone around me was drinking, smoking cigarettes and passing around joints. But silly me, so desperate to feel less alone, so determined to prove to myself that I did have friends, that I wasn't the 'sad little loser who spent the Mid-Autumn Festival at church and at home alone' while everyone was out. I knew I didn't really fit in anymore, knew it each time I stubbed out a half-smoked cigarette because it hurt my throat and then lit another one five minutes later.
It sickened me each time I overheard the way the guys were talking about girls. I always knew my old friends were different from my new ones, but I didn't realise just how much till that night. It was the little details, like how none of them offered to help me carry the bag of ice that they needed for their beers, or how none of them helped any of the girls onto the moving boat. I missed my church friends, missed how the guys would hold doors open for me and the respect that they treated me with.
But still, I was so eager to prove to myself that I could fit in around these "cool" people, because, what was I but a 'straight-living, be home before 10' kinda girl? And in this desperation and eagerness, I completely lost sight of what I valued and what really was important. The first drink I drank was to calm my nerves, the second to blur these people's personalities to make them seem more approachable, and the third...well it just felt like the most logical thing to do that the time. Gonna mess up? Well, then do it big.
And before I knew it, I was feeling great. No more loneliness, none of that neediness that I just hate in myself, just a feeling of 'I don't need anyone or anything' to feel okay. The intimacy that I crave with friends and loved ones didn't seem so scary anyone, because after those few drinks, I was queen of the world, completely self-sufficient and self-relient. Why is it so easy to believe in lies and not in the truth?
And so I begin my self-inflicted punishment now, as I have on every other countless occasions in my life where I wake up with a hangover and a world full of regret. I cling to this numbness and self-loathing, thinking that just maybe if I hate myself enough, it will somehow make up for the mistakes I made. The logic astounds me, but still guilt and shame drive me to hold on to this emptiness because I don't deserve to feel good or have peace. The darkness I run from everyday is in me, and I don't know how to get it out.
My God, my God, where are You? I can't bring myself to ask for forgiveness, even though that's the very thing I want. And until I can, I know I will just be this lone ship in the ocean, tossed about by the storms.
The Girl
Site Meter
Subscribe To
Posts
All Comments