8 days till I get married!
Time has flown by so incredibly fast and I can barely keep up! Who would've thought that when I first started this blog in August 2006 as an outlet for all my emotions while going through recovery for alcohol abuse, that only 4 years later, I would be getting married!!! Wow, God is so good.
The last 9 months since Damian and I have gotten together have been some of the best months of my life, as well as some of the hardest times. God has been doing an intense cleaning and refining in me, and bringing up lots of unresolved pain from the past in preparation for marriage. Things have definitely accelerated so fast that there were times I wasn't sure that I could keep up. All in all though, God has not only proven Himself to be faithful time and time again, but He has also given me such a wonderful and patient man to walk through the whole process with me.
Sometimes I sit on my couch and am so overwhelmed as I think, "Who am I? Who am I that my God should bless me so much?" My cup is overflowing with His love, and even though I am so often blind and deaf, His love and great mercy to me is evident everywhere I turn.
I was reading John 13:1-17 the other day, and I remembered a vision I saw a long time ago of Jesus washing my feet. It was the most amazing thing, slightly awkward and uncomfortable as I saw the great I AM washing my feet (initially I kept telling Him that I didn't want Him to, that I should be the one washing His feet), but definitely so beautiful. There was this look of love in His eyes that was so passionate and full of delight that it went straight into my heart and pierced it. I was so moved at the love that my God had for me, and never had I seen such a gaze of love in anyone's eyes before. He was looking at me as if I was the most beautiful and treasured person in the whole world.
As I remembered this vision, I was suddenly reduced to tears as I realized something. Since the time I saw that vision, I HAVE seen this look again. I see this look in Damian's eyes during intimate moments when the world just stops and stands still as we gaze into each others' eyes. He looks at me with the same eyes that I saw in my beautiful Lord. How can words even begin to describe all the emotions that I was feeling at this moment? How could I, the one who was so despised, broken, and full of sin, be the same one that He has chosen to bestow such riches upon???
I am in awe of the great mercy and compassion of my Lord. That He would choose to allow me to see a glimpse of His love through Damian everyday and show me how precious and treasured I am to Him...wow, He really does bring us from glory to glory!!!
I am so excited to enter into marriage next week Sunday :) Damian has definitely been the greatest gift God has ever given me after Himself, and even though it has been hard at times as Damian and I have had to battle to stand firm in His word when He was dredging up a lot of shame in me from my past, I know that life will just keep getting better and better because we are with Him! Our joy is not dependent on our circumstances around us or the storms in our lives, but when we are in Him and growing closer to Him everyday, life becomes such an adventure! I just can't wait to experience more and more of His love in the days to come, and I am overjoyed at having Damian and many wonderful loved ones to share all this with!
I still can't believe that I'm getting married in July!!!
As I sat here spending time with Him tonight, I couldn't stop crying because His love was touching me in the deepest places of my heart. I remembered a memory from May last year on Mother's Day when I had shared with a group of people about the shame and guilt from my past. I was received with so much love that night, and a really good friend of mine had spoken words over me. He prayed that as I walked down the aisle on my wedding day, that I would know that my husband is not thinking about my past at all, but that as I looked into his eyes, there would so much love and delight in them that I would see Father God gazing at me through him.
During that night, I had hoped that this would be true one very distant day in the future, but I had never really dared to believe that it really was possible. I didn't even know how Damian felt about me until a few months later, but somehow God has just done one miracle after another to bring us together. I would never have thought that I could experience a love like this on earth.
Tonight, as He whispered into my ears of what my friend had prayed on Mother's Day, I was overcome with emotion as I suddenly realized that it has all come true. I know that I know that I KNOW, that when I walk down that aisle on July 25th, I will see Damian standing there gazing at me with so much love, and I will experience a taste of just how much my God loves me. I still can't believe this is all happening to me...
About a year and half ago, God spoke to me and promised me that He would give me a husband who would love me the way that He loves me, and that through him, I would come to a deeper and fuller revelation of Jesus' love for me. He is so good to me that I don't even know what to say! Everyday, as I walk with Damian and see the ways that he loves me, I sometimes feel like Jesus is there in the flesh loving me. I see my God, alive, living and breathing inside of my Damian, and I am in awe. Damian is this little jar of clay carrying the spirit of the Almighty God and what a wonder it is to witness the power of His love flowing through Damian.
I am honoured, blessed and so privileged to be spending the rest of my life with my Damian, the one that my God has chosen for me. :)
God has been speaking to me lately about what true freedom is. I used to think that freedom meant being able to do what whatever I want to do, but He was showing me that there is an even deeper freedom that goes beyond the freedom to do be able to do anything.
He told me that true freedom is actually the stripping of all things that hinder our communion with Christ, so that every choice and decision we make is good, righteous and holy. Just like Adam and Eve could only choose good when they were in the garden (apart from the one choice to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil), He wanted to free me from everything that prevented me from knowing only His light and goodness. He wanted me to know only good and He desired to give me the freedom of being so filled with Him that I was unable to choose sin and wickedness.
I don't really understand what it means that I am His! I realised when He was speaking all this to me that He was trying to show me a deeper revelation of what it means that my life, heart and all that I am is His, to the point that it is not even my concern that He is mine and I am His, but that first and foremost, my foundational understanding of relating to Him stems from "I am HIS and His desire is for me". I do not make claims on Him or even His blessings and provision, for I understand that everything that He has is mine, and so I can just concern myself only with how to please Him for His desire is for me, and to know that as I live for Him, His heart is moved with pleasure and delight.
He must increase, and I must decrease. I must become completely His, seeking only His will and glory, forsaking all thoughts and concern for myself. This is not a scary thing, because He knows that when I lose myself, I will find myself in Him and we will be one. Then I will find myself not in my previous state (no matter how good it was), but I will find myself united in His glory and love. I will share in and partake of His divine nature and experience a glory that was never seen in my previous state where 'self' ruled. This glory is His, and it comes as I give myself over completely to Him, and in the perfect freedom that only He can give, I am able to become a living, breathing vessel of His love that can be poured out as an offering to Him and to the nations.
Oh Lord, may Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven! May it be done to me as You have said! I desire You, and I choose to empty myself of all that I am, so that I might have all of You for You alone will satisfy the longings of my heart. I praise You that Your heart is moved by me, and that as I delight myself in You, You free me even more to sing higher praise to You!
The Lord has been teaching me so much about what it means to love in humility and selflessness, and in the last week, I have been so convicted of how far I fall short. It has been really painful to come face to face with the reality of where I am. But, our Lord is such a merciful and kind God, and even whilst His Spirit was working in me to convict me of selfishness and pride, He was singing over me and telling me that I am beautiful.
The whole of last week, He kept speaking the verse, "The King is enthralled by your beauty" (Psalm 45:11) to me over and over, but it was so hard for me to actually believe it because of what He was showing me about my heart. It was so cool though, because at our small group on Sunday night, we prophesied over each other, and the words that I got were about how He just delights in my beauty, and that when He looks at me, He only sees me as that beautiful, radiant bride. I was so touched because He was confirming His word to me through people who had no idea of what He had been speaking to me during the week.
Yesterday was a little tough because I was struggling a little and I was just feeling so much shame. I woke up this morning and was feeling so sad because I felt so separated from Him, but immediately, I heard His voice so clearly saying, "The only thing that is hindering our fellowship right now is YOUR refusal to come to Me. You don't have to beat yourself up because I died!"
It just shook me right out of my despair over the state of my heart, and immediately I approached Him and asked Him to come. As I confessed to Him all the things that were bothering me, His presence just came and wrapped all around me, and as the tingles and shivers travelled through my body, I just knew that He was hugging me. I felt so loved in that instant and His love flooded through me and removed all my negative emotions.
But you know, our God is not just a good God, but He really is an EXTRAVAGENT God of love, and as I met Damian for lunch today, he handed me a letter that told me that he agreed with God that I am beautiful! I really felt like God was reminding me that He really does think I am so beautiful, and that even Damian thinks that too! And as if that's not enough, when I listened to my music on the way home from school, I put on a CD I haven't really heard before, and the song that came on was from an Intercessory Worship CD called "Ravished" and the lyrics were all about how "the King greatly desires your beauty" (Psalm 45:11 in the NKJV), "you have ravished My heart, My sister, My bride", "you are all-beautiful and there is no spot within you" and the part that just moved me so much was when the the singer on the CD started speaking, and he said something along the lines of, "I know that you are weak, I understand your immature love, but I remember that you said 'Yes' and even your weak glance moves My heart. You are the joy of My desire."
How amazing is our God??? It's so amazing how He just went out of His way to make sure that not a hint of shame would remain in my heart! Even as He is washing me with His word to remove every blemish from me, He is building me up and affirming me with His declarations of who I am to Him and in Him. He's been telling me not to despair over what I see, for I only see the temporal but He sees eternity, and He sees the eternal beauty and glory which I will have because I am hidden in Christ and He dwells in me! He is not worried at what He sees in me because He knows where I will end up, and He knows that on the day that Christ comes for His bride, that I will be like Him and be radiant in His glory!
He is truly a God who knows how to romance His people! He kept telling me that He really wants me to give Him full reign in my heart, and that He wants me to go deeper with Him because He is desiring ALL of me. He is so hungry to have all of me and for me to be filled to the measure of ALL the FULLNESS of God! It feels so amazing to be wanted and desired by Him. The most amazing thing is that when He shows me how much He loves me and is passionate for me, instead of taking Him for granted, His longing for me stirs up a desire in me to give myself completely to Him, to hold nothing back but to surrender and abandon all that I am in lovesick worship.
Oh, how marvellous is our God! Truly, there is no One like Him!!!!
Over the last 4 months, God has been putting me through the fire, doing open-heart surgery to remove deep-rooted issues and it has been so painful. It has been difficult to ward off discouragement, and even last night, I felt so much anguish that I am still not where I want to be.
Today I spent the day avoiding God, so ashamed that I keep failing Him over and over. I was so distracted and bothered that nothing could keep my attention until I went hunting through my drawers and found an old journal. It was the journal that I kept during the year that I first received the Lord. As I read it, I couldn't stop weeping as I saw that even in all my struggles and powerlessness, He really saw all the desires in my heart back then and He has more than fulfilled what I once dreamt of.
Now I have new dreams of higher levels and a deeper hunger for intimacy with Him, but I can see that He has been so faithful...that even in the midst of the darkness that I came from, He had been planting seeds in my heart, seeds that have blossoming. I am in another season now where He is weeding and uprooting, and I know that even though I might not understand things, just like in the past, I can have confidence that even in the light of seeing all my weaknesses, He knows what He is doing and that He will never fail me.
I really want to attach to this blog post a copy of a poem that I wrote a month before I was saved. I had been going to church for about 4 months by then, but I was still very much deep into the drugs, drinking and self-destructiveness. I was so moved when I found it because I could see so clearly how far God has taken me.
I am not satisfied with the place that I am in right now, but thank God I am not in the place I used to be!
"Blinded, the darkness floods
the torch in my heart,
Crying, gurgling in despair and pain,
I drown in the River of the Night.
Father, You are faithful and true,
You deliver a glimmer of light,
A spark of hope. A shimmer of sunshine
at the surface of the water guiding me.
I swim upwards, eyes focused on You.
Escaping the corpses in the deep cold,
Shivering, tainted to my bones,
You ignite my spirit, warmth radiating from Your love.
Keep my fire burning, Father,
Extinguish my doubts and fear.
I want to depend on You,
Engulfed in Your magnificent love and joy.
I relinquish control, with You I will never sink.
Purchased at a price, my life is Yours.
How could I have been so faithless,
Destroyed by the disease of the world.
Father, I long to be with You,
Everlasting peace, a stream of joy,
An ocean of eternal love.
Unworthy, and yet I was chosen.
I will take Your hand and trust You,
With You I can soar..."
I am just so amazed...I wrote this at a time when I did not know any Christians, had not said any Sinner's Prayer, NO ONE had even taught me the 'language' to communicate with God...and yet, He took care of me, revealed Himself to me and taught me everything that I know today.
There was no Body of Christ back then to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and minister Christ's love to me. Christians shunned me and wanted nothing to do with me, and yet, He had compassion on me and bent down from heaven to clothe me and comfort me Himself.
I am comforted. I always thought that I 'love' God now, but I didn't back then...but how merciful He is that in my time of discouragement, He would show me my heart, so that I would know that even though my actions didn't match my desires back then, He still saw those budding virtues that He had planted in me. He is my God, my Gardener, the One who made all those seeds grow and I know that He will take me even higher from here.
I have a lot to share so I think I'm going to end up writing 3 blog posts in one shot :)
I'm now back in Singapore and God has led me to the One Thing Ministries House of Prayer. It was really cool how He did it! The more I walk with Him, the more I can see that it's not a guessing game with Him, or trying out things by trial and error, but He delights in making His will known to me. And even when I am not discerning His will by hearing clearly, He still leads me exactly to where I need to be so that I can hit the target!
When I was in Penang, I really wasn't in the mood to mingle, socialize and get to know new people, so I mainly stuck to spending time with people I already knew. But there was one lady named Janet that really stood out to me, and out of the 70 students that were there, she was the only one that I didn't know before that I ended up talking to. It turns out that Janet used to serve here at the House of Prayer in Singapore, and I was so interested in it (I'd never heard of a place like that in Singapore!) that when I got back to Singapore, I just couldn't even wait for her to contact me and take me, so I ended up Googling the place and going on my own.
How cool is it that out of all the students, God would lead me and prompt me to talk to the one person that would become such a huge connection for me in Singapore?!?!? When I went to the House of Prayer for the first time last Friday, no one talked to me apart from one girl named Winnie. There was an instant connection between us because we realized that we were of the same heart...wanting to spend all our lives just sitting at His feet, dwelling in His house and gazing upon His beauty. Not even to do all that hardcore spiritual warfare stuff, but just to adore Him in extravagent worship! It's so rare for me to meet someone who is like a Mary of Bethany, just like me! :D Apparently she's said it was really rare for her to meet Marys too, even in the house of prayer!
When I talked to Janet on Sunday, she said that it was really weird that Winnie would talk to me, because she's normally very quiet and doesn't talk to newcomers. How cool is it that out of a room full of people, that God would prompt the one person who was like me?!?!?! He really knows what He's doing!!!
I am back.
I've been away for a while...
About a month ago, I received 11 nasty comments from an anonymous person on my blog and though I didn't have any problems forgiving them, I did feel quite hurt and intimidated and that kept me away for this time. One of the comments this "Christian" person made that was like acid upon my heart was a comment that people like me must've come from a sexually abused background, and therefore my fear makes me make up crap about God that is not true.
Let me tell you a part of my story of my God and how He saved me. I won't tell the whole story, because that would take too much time, but one day in heaven, all will be revealed and Jesus will receive great glory from my life because He indeed is my Redeemer, my Restorer and my Saviour. Apart from Him, there is no other.
Yes, the anonymous comment had some truth in it. I was molested when I was a little girl. I was too young to understand what was going on, and when the man died two weeks later, I blamed myself and thought that it was because there was something wrong with me. I didn't dare to tell anyone, because I was afraid that they would confirm my suspicions that I did indeed "kill" that man with my wickedness.
I grew up with so much shame...so much guilt...so much condemnation of who I am. Everyday I woke up with an apology on my face. "Sorry for breathing, sorry for taking up space, sorry for being me"...I was so afraid of making mistakes...I had to be perfect and no one must ever know what I'm really like...
When I was 12, I was bullied by my own group of bestfriends and no one stood up for me. I wound up in the hospital 2 days before my 13th birthday because in a fit of despair, I overdosed on pills. I remember it so clearly...I honestly thought that everyone would be happy with me gone because I was so "wrong". Some people feel guilt for doing bad things...I felt guilt for being me. For existing. For using up resources that clearly could have gone to better deserving people.
I grew up with so much pain...so much pain hidden inside and no one understood because no one knew my story. Many told me to toughen up...many told me that I was spoilt and that I was only depressed because I had the luxury to fall apart. So I punished myself for not being good enough. I drank, I slept around, I cut myself...everytime the world threw more crap at me, I punished myself and wished I was dead.
My teenage years were a blur...I was 16, maybe 17, I really can't remember, when I was raped. That started my downward spiral into drugs. I had been in therapy and medication for a while now but it was just a band-aid for a gaping hole in my heart. I was 18 when I vowed to take 6 more months to see if life would get better, if not I would kill myself.
And this was where Jesus found me.
21st of May, 2004.
That was the day I was saved. He found me, and on that day, I was on my knees for 7 hours, crying and weeping because for the first time in my life, I felt like I was coming home. I didn't know what I was coming home to, but I knew that I had never known a peace and love like this before. I finally understood that there was Someone who had seen everything that had happened, Someone who didn't blame me for my sins but who understood...Someone whose heart broke along with mine all these years. Someone who had wept over me because I was so lost.
And now here I am, 5 years later...free from alcohol, free from smoking, free from immorality...just FREE! I am surrounded with love everyday and He has more than restored everything that was taken from me. He restored my relationship with my Dad when I thought it couldn't be saved. He deepened my relationship with my Mum when I was sure it couldn't go deeper. He gave me a second chance to start life again with a clean slate and He gave me my dignity and purity back.
Yes, I understand that sharing all this might potentially change people's views of me...and yes, maybe even some of the people that I love might walk away from me. But you know what? I will not stay silent any longer. I will not live with the shame of things that were done to me and taken from me when I was just a vulnerable and fragile child. It is time to give a voice to the voiceless and stand up for the truth. This is not just my story, but it is God's story of how He knew me, loved me and fought for me so that I might know Him and have all my tears wiped away.
I have fallen so deep in love with Him. My Jesus, fully man and fully God...my God who came down from heaven and died for me so that I might not just receive forgiveness but healing. He is the One who gave me everything that I have. I praise Him for those He has used in my life, especially my parents who have faithfully provided for me and given me above and beyond what I deserve, but I know that everything I have comes from His hand. Every good and perfect gift comes from my Father of Light.
Why is He everything to me? Because I know that I know that He is all I have. I do not blame anyone for my circumstances...I do not even blame those who have hurt me, but I love and forgive them because I know that they are all broken people too. I bless them and know that my fight is not with them but with the enemy of our souls. He was out to get me, and no one, not even my parents or boyfriends could ever protect me from what happened. This is a fallen and sinful world. Bad things DO happen to good people...but even good people are all sinners, for all have fallen short of the glory of God.
He alone protects me...He alone guards my way and leads me along paths of righteousness. In Him I will trust because He is the only One worthy of all of me. He is my Father, my Bridegroom, my Bestfriend. He is everything.
The anonymous commenter said that it is because of my fear that I make stuff up about God.
I say it is His love, my love, OUR love, that I know my God.
Those who don't understand may say that this is all fanciful imagination to help me cope with a dark world. But you don't get it. I would not only gladly die for my Jesus...I would live for Him. I would choose, not out of obligation, not out of duty, but out of love to die to my desires, my dreams, my own wants, everyday so that He can live through me and make something so beautiful out of my life. Even if I walk through pain and suffering all of my life, I will choose to praise Him and give Him all glory. It might take me some time to get to that place, but I will keep choosing Him until He makes me into someone whose heart is fully committed to Him. He walks with me and He comforts and heals me...that is enough to make my life richer than it's ever been before.
I never knew that life could be this good, this sweet, this amazing. I will praise my God, and I will love Him and serve Him...and if anyone would call me crazy and mad, my prayer is that we would ALL be crazy and mad, for He is so good. He is the most kindest, loving, amazing Person that I've ever known and I haven't even scratched the surface of knowing His goodness.
We were all created to worship. Whether we like it or not, we are slaves to the gods that we serve, whether it's work, relationships, fame, fortune...
I choose to serve and worship the Living God.
I don't mean to sound arrogant or prideful, but this is something that I will never stop declaring...that my God is good, and that He IS the only Way, the only Truth, and the only Life.
I am so touched by the comments that I've been receiving lately. Thank you, Eunice & Sharon for encouraging me so much and leaving me comments so that I would know that people actually read this little blog of mine :D
For the last two weeks, my emotions have been all over the place and I finally hit the bottom last Thursday. It was especially bad, and I don't know how it happened but by about midnight, I was convinced that God didn't really love me and it was a little weird but I actually couldn't even recall or remember all the ways that God had shown me His love in the past.
Anyways, I guess I reacted out of a place of hurt, anger and confusion...even though the "adult" me was trying to pull it all together, the little kid inside of me was just feeling so emotional that I ended up trying to "test" God's love for me by deliberately placing myself in a dangerous position. The whole time I was "daring" God to prove His love to me by rescuing me (yes, yes, I know, it wasn't the most mature thing to do, but that was where I was at the time and I'm just being honest about it) but He didn't seem to be reacting. He wasn't stopping me at all or rescuing me from the dangerous position I put myself in, and as time slowly crept by, I got more and more scared because I didn't know why He wasn't acting.
But, just when I gave up all hope of Him rescuing me, suddenly He started moving. First, He sent a good friend of mine to me, and that friend walked with me all around my neighbourhood while I raved and ranted all my frustration, anger and pain...he didn't have any answers for me, and to be honest, I don't really remember much of what he said, but I remember him being there next to me, and I remember feeling love that was coming not just from him, but from Jesus inside him too. Even in my pain and ugliness, I really did feel so accepted for who I am and not what I do. It was just so nice to have someone walk beside me and just be there because I've never really experienced that many times in my life.
We ended up walking and walking, and I just kept banging on about how I was so hurt and confused. I had so many questions, like 'why had I been broken so many times in my life', and 'why hadn't God intervened?' We walked through the city to the harbour where the sea was lit up by tiny lights on boats, and then from the harbour to the park. We just kept walking, and the more we walked, the more I felt God's presence wrapping around me, and at first I refused to acknowledge Him because what I wanted was not that He would comfort me but that He would change my circumstances. But slowly He kept embracing me, and by the time we walked onto the middle of an empty basketball court, I was too tired to fight against Him anymore.
We sat down and I was too tired to even sit up so I just flopped backwards and laid down, and it was just crazy because the sky was filled with so many stars. For those of you who don't live in Hong Kong, you probably don't understand the significance of this but where I live is right in the middle of the city so there are too many lights and too much POLLUTION to even see ONE star on most nights. There were so many stars that night though, and just when I thought the night was about as good as it could get, my friend and I suddenly saw a shooting star fly through the sky.
It was incredible. It was the first shooting star I'd ever seen, and not only that but, out of all the places I could have seen my first, I saw it in a place where you NEVER see any stars let alone shooting stars! I didn't realise the significance of seeing that shooting star until the next morning but when I realised it, I was so moved that I couldn't stop crying.
See, last year in Nepal, I prayed and asked God to let me see one shooting star so that I would know that He loves me, but He didn't. At the time, I really struggled a lot with this because I didn't understand why He wouldn't just show me one, and so this time when I saw the shooting star, it was as if God was saying, "I saved this shooting star for now because this was when you needed it the most. This shooting star is a symbol of how much I love you - that I would move the heavens and the earth to show you a visible sign that My heart is for you and that I will never leave you. I will not only protect you and keep you safe because I am your Father, but I will always go above and beyond what is required to woo and captivate your heart."
You know, I would have gone home and praised God just for sending my good friend to be with me and for protecting me that night, but He went ABOVE AND BEYOND what was His 'duty' and sent me an actual shooting star to tell me that He does love me. Even though I had to repent for how I had tried to test His love and for hurting Him, I really learnt that night that my God is a pursuing and relentless God.
I guess I still sometimes have issues with performance where I feel like He is only pleased with me when I respond to things in the 'right and mature way' all the time. Sometimes I still struggle with trying to 'earn' His love even though I know that nothing I do will ever be enough. I get scared sometimes that if I stop clinging to Him, He'll just let me go and I'll fall from His hand, but that night just showed me so clearly that even when I don't choose Him, even when I am acting like an immature, stupid kid, He will NEVER EVER let me go simply because I am His and He loves me. I don't have to put any pressure on myself to do this or do that, but I can just BE and rest in the assurance that my Father loves me and thinks I'm awesome.
This is an extravagent love that I just don't understand, but all I know is that when I encountered it, I know that nothing will ever satisfy me again except to have more and more of His love. I want to know how high, how deep, and how wide His love is for me. I don't want to just know it, but I want to experience it until the revelation becomes part of me and hidden in my heart. I was created for love and man, oh man, I praise my God that He is faithful, that He never fails, and that He is so kind, so merciful, so gracious and so full of love that there is nothing I could ever do to separate me from His love.
Because seriously, if everything depended on me...oh man...I would be screwed :)
I don't know why but I feel like sharing something very personal and intimate to me...maybe it's that 4am syndrome where you're all reflective and wanting to share your emotions or maybe it's something else, but whatever it is, I feel like sharing something that means so much to me :)
Shortly after I received Jesus into my heart about 4 years ago, I read the Bible and saw that whenever something big happened to someone, they were always given a new name. For example, Jacob become Israel, and Naomi became Mara. So, I asked God whether I had a new name because I knew that meeting Him was that 'big' thing that happened to me, and for some reason, I always felt since that day that He had called me 'Lily'.
For the longest time, I knew deep down inside me that this was His secret name for me, and I thought it was cool because lilies are really pretty flowers, but it didn't really have any other special meaning for me. Well, last year when I was still in Singapore after completing my DTS, I was feeling particularly discouraged one day and I was crying out to God. That day though, His answer completely surprised me. He said, "Tiff, have you ever wondered why I gave you the new name Lily? Look it up on Google." (Hahaha, He knows His technology!!!)
So I did...and what I found blew me away. As soon as I saw that the name Lily meant 'beauty, purity and innocence', I just broke down because I could not believe it. My whole life, I have always felt so ugly, so dirty; innocence shattered by all the pain and horrors that were done to me and by sins that I committed. These were the areas of my heart that were most destroyed by the enemy of my soul, and these were the areas that most needed to be redeemed.
But God in His mercy, before I even saw any hint of beauty, purity or innocence in my life, called me by the name that would be what I would become. He was "the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were" (Romans 4:17). Even before I became those things, He already knew that He would heal and redeem me! I was just so blown away by His unfailing love, that when I was at my most filthiest mess, He called me pure, beautiful and innocent. He did not wait till I was 'acceptable' by worldly standards to love me and embrace me, but He met me in my darkest hour and He not only rescued me but He reversed every curse that was in operation in my life.
My Jesus...oh my Jesus! I will never know how much You suffered for me, and I never want to insult You by trying to 'pay You back', because Your blood that was shed for me has no price that I can ever come close to paying. But with everything I am, with all my heart, make me completely Yours. Thank You for washing me and taking away all my shame, all my disgrace. You have clothed me with Your garments and all the world will know that I am Yours.
You are so amazing, God!!!!!!
So here I was, struggling with loving this person, trying to fight with impatience, but then when I came to the end of myself and realised that I do not have it in me to love her, I cried out to You, and You answered. How quickly You work, my God!
I can hardly believe that someone that used to grate on my nerves so much that I couldn't stand being around them has suddenly been transformed in my eyes in a few hours. All I did was confess my lack of love for her to my brother and sister and we prayed together and asked that the Lord would give me love for her because I desired to love her the way Jesus did.
Then suddenly, I felt convicted. Convicted of the unloving way I had treated her in my attitude and heart when what I should have been moving in was compassion and love. So, first came repentance to God whom I had sinned against and hurt.
Then came an email to her repenting for my lack of love for her and telling her that I wanted to stand by her and support her (I can't believe I not only wrote that but actually FELT it, because just a few hours ago, I wanted to run away as far as I could from her!!!). But then I really felt like I wanted to say it to her so I called her and repented (which must've made me seem so weird because she and I have spoken less than five minutes in all the time that I've known her) and SHE FORGAVE ME. Not only that, she actually said that she felt like I didn't do anything against her...oh how sweet is Your forgiveness, Lord!
How is it that my Jesus is able to change my heart with just one touch from His Hand? How is He able to give me compassion that breaks my heart for the same person that only hours ago made me cringe everytime I was near her?!?! Not only that, but I feel this sudden burst of affection where I just want to go to her and talk and know her and hug her and kiss her and hear her story...It's too crazy!
My God is amazing!!! It is wonderful that I can do nothing on my own, because how awesome it is that He does it all for me!!!!!!! I am so astounded by the grace that that person extended to me and at the same time, so completely humbled because I see just how sinful I am, and how great and completely wonderful my God is. Thank God His blood covers all my sin and that His goodness covers all my weaknesses.
This is the answer that I keep forgetting. How do I love those that I cannot stand? I cannot without Him!!! But by His love and His goodness, I can love the whole world!
Yay!
Hallelujah!!!!!!
I handed in my last assignment and sat for my last exam for the year today.
Ahhhh...
What bliss.
I'm rejoicing over here that I have officially finished my first semester at CUHK. I never thought that I would actually live to see this day, and even when I first moved back to HK 6 months ago, there was a small part of me that was just waiting for me to 'screw it all up' and I was watching the whole time to see when I would fail again. But the amazing thing is that His grace is so upon me!
2 years ago, I left Australia in a complete disgrace. I, the straight A student, flunked out of university because of a drinking problem and I spent the last 2 years getting my life back together with God. I had no friends, my family were strangers to me and I hated myself. But greater is His love than anything I could ever have done to try and destroy myself! The life He has given back to me is infinitely more beautiful and amazing than the life I had before I went down my path of destruction.
Indeed all things have been made new and the old HAS passed away! Hallelujah!
THIS is the King that I serve, love and worship. He is the One who gave everything that I lost back to me and blessed me beyond measure. I still look at my life sometimes and am just so overwhelmed by the joy and peace and most of all, love, that surrounds me.
I have the most amazing relationship with my family now, the most awesome friends in the world that I consider my family, I'm living alone in a foreign country and not just surviving but loving it and I've just finished my first semester at uni. Could life get anymore incredible than this?!?! I have no other words to express my complete and utter gratitude towards Jesus, whose death made all this possible.
Thank You, Jesus, that when You were in the Garden of Gethsemene, You saw that I would have need of Your sacrifice. Thank You for saving me.
"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." - 1 Corinthians 10:31
The dress rehearsal didn't go so well and I was pretty worried. I could tell that I was anxious because I was barely saying anything, but still, I remembered the words the Lord had spoken to me the day before, "You were lovely when you danced today and your dance is going to be beautiful tomorrow" and clung to that promise.
The second I stepped onto the stage, I felt the magic. His hands were on me...I wasn't just dancing for Him but dancing with Him. It was my first time dancing with Him and I'll never forget it. His presence was so strong and every movement I made felt as if it was overflowing with His hope and love, and the music just carried me from step to step without any stress on my part. I knew that He was there, and that my Love, my Prince was right there dancing with me, and that nothing else mattered except for the fact that He loves me. Time seemed to stand still and the world faded away as I danced and lost myself in Him.
*sigh* Every time I think about it I want to cry because it was just so beautiful. Who are we that God, the King of kings should care so much about us? Who am I that He should love me so? And yet He does!
During my Quiet Time just now, I decided to try what I heard earlier today in a sermon about singing the Scriptures. So, I pulled out my Bible, and turned to Psalm 42 and asked God to put a new song in my heart and in faith just opened my mouth and started to sing about how much my soul longed for God. Granted, I didn't sound very good and felt a little foolish at the start, but the act of singing the Scriptures to God was so powerful!
I was almost halfway through the Psalm when Jesus' sweetest presence descended in my room. It was so refreshing that I almost cried. When I finished, I asked God to put His song in my heart and when I opened my mouth, it was a different tune and I started singing from His perspective about how He created me to thirst and hunger for Him. It was so beautiful! I was having such an awesome time that I didn't want to stop so I turned to Psalm 23 and started singing that one too.
After a while, His presence was so strong that I couldn't even stand anymore. I just fell on my face and was silent before Him while my heart just kept crying out, 'Holy, holy, holy!' and 'Consume me, Lord.' I could literally feel myself being lost in His love and I knew at that moment that He was there with me, embracing me and showering me with His kisses of love. I felt so tiny before Him and yet, I felt so beautiful in His eyes.
I just love those days when you're totally unprepared for what God has in mind, and He just shows up in such an incredible way.
How could anyone say the Christian life is boring?
I was walking along the footbridge today, on my way to school, reflecting on the amazing changes that God has worked out in me, through me and around me. I can definitely trace this great growth with the daily practice of having my quiet time with Him. I started disciplining myself around August last year, and I still remember the struggles in the mornings, waking up at 7am and desperately trying to stay awake to pray and read the Bible. I could barely manage 5 minutes back then, and I even had to stand up in front of the air-con, freezing my butt off in order to stay awake. And now? One hour just zooms by too fast, and I am astounded at the intimacy and closeness that I have with Jesus and how He honours our little offerings of ourselves to Him.
So I was walking and thinking about how I was a heavy smoker for 8 years and how incredibly hard it was for me to quit. I realised that this whole year I've managed to go without smoking, (except for the one cigarette that I gave in to earlier this year) and I couldn't stop smiling because Jesus has freed me from so many bad things. All the things that I used to hate about myself and despair over because I never could change, He has conquered and turned into beauty. I still remember all those nights I didn't sleep, crying over my absolute helplessness to change my circumstances.
And just as I thought those thoughts, some lady who was handing out these cards passed one to me, and as I glanced down on it, I saw 3 words printed on the card (there were only 3 big words printed on one side and that was the side handed to me). It said, "NEVER GIVE UP."
Oh AMEN!!!
"The LORD reigns, let the earth be glad; let the distance shores rejoice.
Clouds and thick darkness surround him; righteousness and justice are the foundation of His throne.
Fire goes before Him and consumes His foes on every side.
His lightning lights up the world; the earth sees and trembles.
The mountains melt like wax before the LORD, before the Lord of all the earth.
The heavens proclaim His righteousness, and all the peoples see His glory."Psalm 97:1-6
I was so tired out yesterday, and during my break between classes I ended up heading to the library to catch some zzz's. When I got there I decided to do spend time soaking in God's presence instead of sleeping, and it was probably the best decision I made because by the end of that hour, I was feeling so recharged and refreshed. It was so cool to know that even there in the library, He could meet me in such an amazing way.
When I left the library, the sun had already gone down and I was greeted by a gorgeous, delicate crescent moon framed by the vulnerable silhouettes of tree branches against a dark sapphire blue sky. It was so beautiful I couldn't stop smiling. His presence was so strong and everywhere I looked, my heart was just moved by the beauty and glory I saw around me. It was as if I was seeing everything through His eyes the way He had originally intended creation to be. I noticed everything...the way the leaves caught a touch of moonlight, the tiny flowers that carpeted the ground, and even the beautiful faces passing by me, each and every one so unique in its curves and bends. My heart was just singing and I wished so hard that I was in heaven so that I could just stand right there and lift my hands up and worship God, my Creator and Maker.
He is so full of glory and majesty. I pray that my eyes would be opened more to seeing His beauty reflected all around me!!!
I had the most amazing day!!!
After talking to Josh yesterday, I realised that I really was going to be miserable if I went through the next 3 years at CUHK without any friends, so I went home and said, "Papa, I know You're enough, but I really want some friends, so would You please connect me with some people?"
So today I'm on my way to class and I'm changing trains at Admiralty, and instead of walking straight across to the next train, for some reason I walk diagonally across so that I'm 3 carriages away from where I normally go. And as I walk onto the train and turn around, I catch sight of this guy Bryan from my Psychology classes! He walks onto the same carriage and we end up chatting all the way to uni. It was so awesome to see how God just directs all my steps and lines up all these divine encounters.
I was a bit apprehensive about going to my Anthropology class today. I went to the Anthropology tutorial on Monday and I was the only Christian in class who was willing to talk about her faith (we were discussing religion and the meaning of life) and I was put on the spot by the professor. He didn't really like the answers I was giving, so finally he said, "If you believe in Jesus and we don't, does that mean we're all going to hell?" And you know what? I was shaking as I said it, but I had to say, "I know how it sounds, but yes, if I believe in Jesus, and I do, then that's what I have to believe too." And of course, he was like, "Well, God help us, because we're all going to hell apart from you." Everything inside me was trembling even as I was walking out the class because I don't really like being the only one standing for something!
I knew that my next Anthropology class was today, so immediately I got people to start praying and of course that's pretty much all I did these last two days. So I get to class today, and the most amazing thing happens.
Firstly, the professor doesn't see me at all until the end of the lesson even though I was sitting right in plain view and at one point even right next to him. Secondly, when he was picking on the Christians, he turned to the medical students and was like,
Professor: So Karen, you're a medical student. Do you think those Christians are foolish?
Karen: Actually...I'm a Christian too.
Professor: Okay, well Bryan! You're a rationalist...you're a medical student too. Do you think they're foolish?
Bryan: Umm...actually, I'm also a Christian.
Oh, it was so perfect!!! I was gleefully chuckling in my seat.
At the end of the lesson, I hung around and there was this one girl who wanted to know more about God, so I ended up sharing with her my testimony and talking to her about Jesus and how awesome He is!!!
The real icing on the cake though was when this random Christian girl in my class ran up to me at the end of the class and hugged me! I didn't even know her before she hugged me! We ended up chatting and exchanged numbers because we seem to have heaps in common.
Oh, how good is God???
I can barely contain my joy!
This is so exciting!!!
After blogging my struggles in my last post, I went back to crying out to the Lord and telling Him that I was surrendering to Him. Surrendering my reputation, surrendering my studies, surrendering every right I have, that I might be used by Him no matter where I am to bring light. And you know what?
My precious Jesus started speaking to me and giving me the outline for my paper and He even gave me the opening sentence! So awesome! This is the God we serve. A God who is so intimately and personally involved in every area of our lives!
I love how Jesus phrased so many of the things He wanted me to talk about. He is so amazingly and fabulously humble and encouraging. Not once did He put down Psychology, but He kept affirming the good things that Psychology has contributed to society and then added on His truth afterwards. He is so positive and never condemning! He is so beautiful. *sigh* I am so in love.
I love it. I could not have a better Teacher :D
I had the weirdest experience on Monday whilst grocery shopping. There's this supermarket opposite from where I live that sells their sandwiches, salads, sushi and fruits for super cheap after 6pm. So there I was, browsing in the sushi section, when this old-enough-to-be-older-than-my-father, Caucasian businessman approaches me and starts chatting me up.
At first I was feeling so uncomfortable...I remember thinking, 'Oh no...not this again. Why does this always happen to me? What's wrong with me?' But then quickly, I focused my thoughts and asked God, 'Should I walk away now?' Surprisingly though, God said, 'No, wait.'
Me: "Okay...well, what do you want me to do God?"
God: "I want you to share your testimony and tell Him about how I have changed your life."
Me: "Umm...okay...when?"
God: "Just wait."
So I wait and suddenly the conversation turns from my pretty smile to what I'm doing in Hong Kong. I start telling the guy that I was studying Psychology so that I could go into counselling because growing up, I had a lot of messed up friends who were suicidal, addicted to drugs, alcoholics, etc. "But a nice girl like you shouldn't concern herself with such depressing things! You'll just get down listening to all those problems that people have", the guy said.
I suddenly see my opening and I jump in, "Actually...I think I'll be okay because my faith will sustain me." And then right there, I start sharing my testimony (the poor guy didn't know what he was in for when he talked to me!) and talking about how Jesus has impacted me so much.
And you know what? Turns out this guy was actually an ex-Sunday School teacher who became so disillusioned with the church that he walked away. I really believe that Jesus misses him and He used that situation to remind him of that. Praise God! It was strange...once God opened my eyes, I didn't even see him the way I normally see old guys who hit on me (as dirty old perverts!) but I saw him through God's heart and saw just how lost and miserable he was without God. I saw him as a person who'd made mistakes, just like me, but someone who was still so worthy and deserving of love, because that is the whole purpose of why we were created. We were all created to share in this divine love, and it breaks my heart to think of people who're missing this sweet and eternally fulfilling fellowship.
I'm still so tickled when I think about how God totally turned a potentially awkward situation into something good.
God: 1
Satan: 0
I'm on the winning side. Oh yeah, baby!
Well, my first week isn't completely over yet (I still have class tomorrow) but I figured I'd blog about it tonight. It's been an exhausting and extremely stretching week, what with not being able to speak Chinese (I'm going to Chinese University...do you see the problem?), and not even being able to find my classrooms on the map, oh and don't forget the day I was singled out in class because I was the only student who wasn't wearing the 'official' PE uniform.
Yeah...it's been interesting.
Haha, I remember the zeal and enthusiasm I had before I started uni, stars in my eyes, dreaming of bringing revival to the campus and being a bright shining light. I still believe God will do all those things, but it'll definitely be Him and not me because even the Campus Crusade for Christ fellowship is all in Chinese. They had a fair today to advertise all the student groups and organisations and not a single one was in English!!!
I've been completely humbled. I'm starting to realise that as much as I want to be such a blessing to people, this is also a place where I will be further refined and tested. It's hard to not be able to speak Chinese, it really puts me at such a disadvantage, but it really is such a great thing! My whole life, I've always been so self-sufficient and would never bring myself to ask for help. This week would've been a disaster if I didn't ask for help! In fact, I found myself asking for help more times this week than I probably have my whole life!!! I was completely at the mercy of other people's goodness towards me, and totally helpless and dependent on their help.
It's an interesting place to be at...a mix between being humbled and vulnerable. God is really breaking my pride through this, because I've always expected myself to be 'perfect', to 'know everything' and to only accept help from people if I can 'pay them back'. But right now I'm in a place where I really have nothing to offer except my questions and need for help!
God has been so faithful though. Every morning I'd cry out, 'Oh Jesus, help me get to my next class, I can't find it on the map, I don't even know the building name because the building names on my timetable are abbreviated! Oh Lord, I don't even know what bus to take or what station to get off at!' and every time, He would always send someone who would overhear me either muttering to myself (yeah, I have that bad habit), or opening my huge campus map like a tourist and take me to my class or give me directions. I haven't missed a class yet!
The other thing that He's really working in me right now in this situation is being able to stand alone in being different. I've never been so alone in a foreign situation before, but He's working patience in me when people get bored talking to me and start speaking in Chinese and I don't understand what they're saying. It's obvious I stand out, and that I'm different, and when people start finding out about my beliefs, I'm going to stick out even more, but I know that this is only the beginning of the training for the rest of my life.
Being the 'foreign' girl who doesn't really have friends, will I conform to what people want in order to have friends, or will I be content to be alone (if it should come down to it) and stay true to Him and retain my integrity? I need grace!!!
I really love this situation I'm in (I know! Maybe I'm a little weird...) because I know without a doubt that I'm where I'm supposed to be. There are challenges and things that are so frustrating at times, but so often, I'll be sitting in my lecture and this peace will wash over me, and I'll just sigh this big sigh of complete contentment. I know He's doing a great work in my heart even if I don't understand it all.
It is pure joy to persevere through all this by His grace and know that everyday, I'm being moulded more and more in His image.
Yay! I'm becoming like the One I love.
I remember writing in this post on the 31st of July this year that "nothing has gone the way it's supposed to" and that at the time, I had just experienced "the biggest blow so far". Oh, if I only knew what else was coming up ahead!
Things actually got worse, and I found out that people I deeply cared about and loved actually had been lying to me and betraying me. I remember the day I found out, I was so in shock I was shaking and I couldn't even barely breathe for about 5 minutes. But you know what the crazy thing is?
I have never felt better! Through all these storms (the metaphorical ones AND the physical ones!) God has just shown me so much of His heart for me, and refined not just my character but my love for Him and His people. It is so true that His grace is sufficient. The circumstances that I thought I could never bear and would break under has happened and instead of feeling crushed and broken, I had felt His hands lift me up to soar in the skies with Him.
These last few weeks have been one trial after another, each happening in steady succession, but out of His grace, He has drawn me so near to Him that I cannot feel anything apart from His joy, peace, love and strength. I can see how even though things seem to be going wrong, it's not with physical eyes I must see and walk, but with the eyes of my heart because what is unseen is a truer reality than what can be seen.
I mean, it still hurts so much, but I can really feel His blanket of comforting love wrapped around me and His love melting into my heart to bring healing. He gives me the strength to be able to say, "No matter what else happens, I will not let it stop me from praying for Your people, I will not let it stop me from loving and doing good, and I will not let it stop me from praising Your name!!!"
Amen!!! The joy of the Lord is my strength!!! He is more than able to give us the help to be able to respond in the right way in EVERY situation.
The Girl
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