Showing posts with label Boys and Girls. Show all posts

I still can't believe that I'm getting married in July!!!

As I sat here spending time with Him tonight, I couldn't stop crying because His love was touching me in the deepest places of my heart. I remembered a memory from May last year on Mother's Day when I had shared with a group of people about the shame and guilt from my past. I was received with so much love that night, and a really good friend of mine had spoken words over me. He prayed that as I walked down the aisle on my wedding day, that I would know that my husband is not thinking about my past at all, but that as I looked into his eyes, there would so much love and delight in them that I would see Father God gazing at me through him.

During that night, I had hoped that this would be true one very distant day in the future, but I had never really dared to believe that it really was possible. I didn't even know how Damian felt about me until a few months later, but somehow God has just done one miracle after another to bring us together. I would never have thought that I could experience a love like this on earth.

Tonight, as He whispered into my ears of what my friend had prayed on Mother's Day, I was overcome with emotion as I suddenly realized that it has all come true. I know that I know that I KNOW, that when I walk down that aisle on July 25th, I will see Damian standing there gazing at me with so much love, and I will experience a taste of just how much my God loves me. I still can't believe this is all happening to me...

About a year and half ago, God spoke to me and promised me that He would give me a husband who would love me the way that He loves me, and that through him, I would come to a deeper and fuller revelation of Jesus' love for me. He is so good to me that I don't even know what to say! Everyday, as I walk with Damian and see the ways that he loves me, I sometimes feel like Jesus is there in the flesh loving me. I see my God, alive, living and breathing inside of my Damian, and I am in awe. Damian is this little jar of clay carrying the spirit of the Almighty God and what a wonder it is to witness the power of His love flowing through Damian.

I am honoured, blessed and so privileged to be spending the rest of my life with my Damian, the one that my God has chosen for me. :)

Something beautiful has happened to me...

For the longest time God has been unfolding His love story with me, and in the last year, He has been writing a beautiful earthly romance that has turned my world upside-down. I haven't been blogging since August because it was around this time that He chose to start unveiling and revealing all that He has been doing and it wasn't appropriate at that time to share that with everyone.

But now I can!

But I don't even know where to start...

I guess I'll start with where I am now and hopefully backtrack and tell the full story from the beginning over the next few months.

So as of 29th of October, 2009, Damian and I are now officially together!

The rest of the story to come soon...

C and I broke up last night. It hurts bad, I won't deny that, but there is a quiet peace dwelling inside me that wasn't there the whole period of time we were together.

I'm glad that he and I decided to remain friends, and I pray that it works out, but for now, my main focus is in growing in God and allowing Him to change me. A boyfriend just complicates everything. I am blessed with this season of singleness and I want to make every second count. Instead of focusing on meeting the 'right' guy, I want to focus on seeking after God and allowing Him to mould me into the 'right' person, because when He does bring my future husband into my life, I want it to be about how much I can bless him and love him, rather than how much he can meet my need for love and companionship.

Lord, I pray for Your healing balm of love to shower down on C and me, and I ask for the grace to trust and have faith in You to mend our broken hearts. Give us wisdom and discernment to stay away from the things that displease and dishonour You, and may we do that which is pleasing and right in Your eyes. In Jesus' name, Amen.

My cat Kim died last week Saturday. I wish I had a photo of him to put up here but I don't. I'm sure there's one somewhere but I need to look for it. Anyways, he was with my family for 10 years - 2 different countries and 6 different homes. He was a well-travelled and well-loved cat. He didn't eat fish or drink milk, and boy, did he love water! A few days before he passed away, I was putting on my contact lenses after showering, and as I turned to walk out the bathroom, I saw him playing in the bathtub!

It took me a few days before I felt any grief, and surprisingly, I wasn't so much broken over his death, than seeing his brother Bim (yes, we purposely gave them rhyming names) who's our other cat being left behind. See, Bim has been with Kim for 10 years too, and he's always been a restless and angry cat, but Kim always calmed him down and kept him company. This last week, he's been following everyone around the house and during the nights, he sits outside my door and cries. It breaks my heart and I found myself sobbing at 5 in the morning over him.

I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I would be so upset over a cat, so I asked God to show me why, and what He showed me blew me away. See, I saw myself in Bim. Seeing him pining over Kim and desperating trying to make himself feel better by throwing himself at me and my family reminded me of all the long dark hours I spent crying over people leaving me. It seems that everytime I got close to someone, they'd end up leaving and I'd be left behind, trying to grasp at anything to take the pain away.

Praise God that is all in the past though. He revealed to me that people will always end up leaving at some point in life, either through breakups, moving away or even death, and so I can't place my dependence wholeheartedly on them. I can't use relationships to fill the emptiness inside. God is the only one who will always be there, and He will never leave or forsake me. First, I need to empty myself of everything so that He can pour out His love into me. It's only when I am dwelling in His perfect love, that I am capable of loving people without expecting them to meet my all needs.

Of course it will still hurt when people leave, but I must make sure that I am getting my needs met by God and not demanding them from others.

I miss you, Kim. Hope you're enjoying all the baths and wonderful food in Cat Heaven ;)

I don't miss having one because I'm afraid to be alone or because I'm one of those girls who need to have a boyfriend to feel complete, but man, I do miss the closeness of being with someone. I miss holding someone's hand, and cuddling, and seeing their face light up with a huge smile as I walk towards them.

The church is full of couples, and sometimes I feel envy as I watch them. The nice part of me thinks 'Awww, they're so sweet', but at the same time, the mean part of me thinks, 'What's so good about those girls? How come no one's attracted to me?!?!'. The funny thing is, even if someone did like me and want to start dating me, I would turn them down, because there's only one guy I want to be with and none of them are him.

I guess God is trying to teach me to be patient and to depend on Him, and I'm really glad for this lesson. Without this time of growth, I know that I wouldn't be mature enough to handle the next relationship. God is good and I trust Him. That's good enough for me.

I'm feeling a little crummy and upset right now. I was chatting online with a dear friend (I'll call him J) and out of nowhere, he started telling me that he loves me. Now, he did this to me over the summer to, and that kinda made our friendship weird for a while (because I told him I didn't feel the same way), so I didn't think he'd be so stupid as to do it again.

I didn't respond in the way he wanted, and maybe I shouldn't have, but I felt so mean that I just said, 'That's really sweet'. I think he took that as an encouragement and started saying that he would love to hold me all night and make love to me (?!?!), where I promptly freaked out and told him to talk about something else. Anyway, to cut a long story short, he got kinda upset and told me that he felt really stupid because I didn't feel the same, and then went offline.

Now I just feel like the world's biggest meanie. But honestly, my dear readers, what do you say when guys say that kind of stuff to you? What do you say that's firm enough for them never to bring up that topic again but polite and sensitive enough so that it doesn't ruin a close friendship (I've been good friends with this guy for 6 years)?

Oh, and I have a question. Why is it that it's always the guys you don't like that confess their love to you, and not the ones you dearly long to be with?