Showing posts with label Recovery. Show all posts

I was walking along the footbridge today, on my way to school, reflecting on the amazing changes that God has worked out in me, through me and around me. I can definitely trace this great growth with the daily practice of having my quiet time with Him. I started disciplining myself around August last year, and I still remember the struggles in the mornings, waking up at 7am and desperately trying to stay awake to pray and read the Bible. I could barely manage 5 minutes back then, and I even had to stand up in front of the air-con, freezing my butt off in order to stay awake. And now? One hour just zooms by too fast, and I am astounded at the intimacy and closeness that I have with Jesus and how He honours our little offerings of ourselves to Him.

So I was walking and thinking about how I was a heavy smoker for 8 years and how incredibly hard it was for me to quit. I realised that this whole year I've managed to go without smoking, (except for the one cigarette that I gave in to earlier this year) and I couldn't stop smiling because Jesus has freed me from so many bad things. All the things that I used to hate about myself and despair over because I never could change, He has conquered and turned into beauty. I still remember all those nights I didn't sleep, crying over my absolute helplessness to change my circumstances.

And just as I thought those thoughts, some lady who was handing out these cards passed one to me, and as I glanced down on it, I saw 3 words printed on the card (there were only 3 big words printed on one side and that was the side handed to me). It said, "NEVER GIVE UP."

Oh AMEN!!!

I was thinking tonight that maybe I was beyond redemption. Maybe I've just been so broken and shattered by the world that there's no hope for piecing together my heart because it has been stomped on so much and ground into a powder that no glue can make whole. I've forsaken all the good things and people in exchange for that which will take me straight to the hell that God brought me out of last year.

Then I heard Peter Orasuk's testimony on how God saved him from dying as a drug addict and spending eternity in hell. As I listened to it while lying in my bed, I did everything I could, surf other websites, fix my nails, whatever I could to deny the truth of what he was saying. But I couldn't. To carry on wallowing in my guilt and shame away from God, instead of reaching out to Him for forgiveness would be denying the power of Jesus's blood. I really believed that God could not and would not want to love someone like me. But could I really be that arrogant as to believe that Jesus's blood could not save me? No, I can't. And if He can save Peter Orasuk, then He can save me too.

I keep waiting to hit rock bottom because I believed that it was the only way that any lasting change would happen. But each time I fall, my definition of 'rock bottom' sinks lower, and I am so scared of how low it could go. Do I really have to lose everything before I am broken enough to be different? I am so tired, so so tired of fighting this battle. This constant war. I've been trying to get sober for 4 years now, and for the last 2, I've had Jesus on my side...so why am I still not different? Why must I be so stubborn and cling to all the things that are so bad for me?

God, I've reached the end of what I can do. I am so weary, so exhausted, You have to take over. No one understands. No one is filling this emptiness inside me. Alcohol feeds the emptiness inside me for a while, but when I sober up, the emptiness multiplies. Jesus, teach me to find joy in You. I thought that I was becoming a different person over the last month...but after this weekend, I feel like I'm still the same old me. What's the use in trying when I just end up disappointing everyone around me?

I believe You will save me, God. I guess I just have to start believing that You aren't just 'going' to save me, but that You already have, and are saving me right now at this very moment. Be with me in this dark, endless night, my Father, and give me the courage to stare at my sin straight in its evil eyes and watch it get washed away.

The explanation for my behaviour is elusive. All I know is that the battle over alcohol yesterday, I have lost. And what I have lost is not just the battle, but my parents trust and probably one of the best friends I've ever had. And for what? To ring in the new year with a random guy to forget about my ex and convince myself I'm not alone. The thing is, I was never alone...I have so many friends and family who love me, but if I keep going this way, then I really will end up alone.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry.

It's amazing how much God has changed me from the person I was 6 months ago. He took me, a broken person with a multitude of problems, and redeemed and restored me to wholeness. So in celebration of this transformation, my Thursday Thirteen this week will be about the changes in me.

1. He has freed me from the power of alcohol. I no longer need or want alcohol anymore, and am learning to deal with life sober.

2. I quit smoking! After 6-7 years of smoking, I think I deserve a big clap! :D

3. God taught me to put aside my pride and humble myself and ask my cousin for forgiveness and so ended our 2 year argument.

4. One big thing is that people are actually reaching out to me when they're hurting so that I can minister to them...it's so awesome how just a while ago I was such a mess, and now God is actually using me to be His hands to reach out to people.

5. I am so much healthier and stronger than I was before.

6. I'm able to pray with other people and in public now.

7. Oh, and I also have made it a habit of saying grace before eating...it took me a few weeks to be able to remember!

8. I'm no longer involved in immoral relationships.

9. The depression that I've struggled with for years is going, and most of the time, the joy and peace that comes from God reigns in my heart.

10. I actually find my Christian friends fun! Haha, a year ago if you'd told me that I would actually enjoy hanging with my church friends, I would've laughed in your face.

11. I smile and laugh more...and when I do, it's not a cynical or sarcastic laugh but a real genuine one now.

12. God has filled me with so much love for Him that I can honestly say that He is my first love and above all things.

13. God has brought healing to my relationship with my family and things have improved so much.

Isn't God awesome???

It's simple really. I don't wanna be me.

I felt out of the place the second I stepped onto the boat. Everyone around me was drinking, smoking cigarettes and passing around joints. But silly me, so desperate to feel less alone, so determined to prove to myself that I did have friends, that I wasn't the 'sad little loser who spent the Mid-Autumn Festival at church and at home alone' while everyone was out. I knew I didn't really fit in anymore, knew it each time I stubbed out a half-smoked cigarette because it hurt my throat and then lit another one five minutes later.

It sickened me each time I overheard the way the guys were talking about girls. I always knew my old friends were different from my new ones, but I didn't realise just how much till that night. It was the little details, like how none of them offered to help me carry the bag of ice that they needed for their beers, or how none of them helped any of the girls onto the moving boat. I missed my church friends, missed how the guys would hold doors open for me and the respect that they treated me with.

But still, I was so eager to prove to myself that I could fit in around these "cool" people, because, what was I but a 'straight-living, be home before 10' kinda girl? And in this desperation and eagerness, I completely lost sight of what I valued and what really was important. The first drink I drank was to calm my nerves, the second to blur these people's personalities to make them seem more approachable, and the third...well it just felt like the most logical thing to do that the time. Gonna mess up? Well, then do it big.

And before I knew it, I was feeling great. No more loneliness, none of that neediness that I just hate in myself, just a feeling of 'I don't need anyone or anything' to feel okay. The intimacy that I crave with friends and loved ones didn't seem so scary anyone, because after those few drinks, I was queen of the world, completely self-sufficient and self-relient. Why is it so easy to believe in lies and not in the truth?

And so I begin my self-inflicted punishment now, as I have on every other countless occasions in my life where I wake up with a hangover and a world full of regret. I cling to this numbness and self-loathing, thinking that just maybe if I hate myself enough, it will somehow make up for the mistakes I made. The logic astounds me, but still guilt and shame drive me to hold on to this emptiness because I don't deserve to feel good or have peace. The darkness I run from everyday is in me, and I don't know how to get it out.

My God, my God, where are You? I can't bring myself to ask for forgiveness, even though that's the very thing I want. And until I can, I know I will just be this lone ship in the ocean, tossed about by the storms.

"I WILL give up the partying scene to spend more time and meet more ppl in fellowship."

I read the above quote on my friend Abby's blog (which I'm not linking to, because she wants to keep it private), and it got me thinking about the sacrifices that I've made over the last few months.

I remember when I first was brought back to Hong Kong by my parents from college in Australia, broken completely by my alcohol addiction. I remember then wanting to change so much, because the fear of staying where I was, was greater than the fear of change. And for a while, I did change...until things got a little better.

It's so funny how quickly us humans forget. See, as soon as life was a bit brighter, I forgot all the reasons why the change I had begun was necessary. Suddenly giving up life as I had known it for something different seemed stupid. And hard. Boy, was it hard. The constant daily sacrifices of cutting of contact with all my old friends, avoiding places where I used to hang out, and not using alcohol to stop the thoughts in my mind just became too painful. Too heartbreaking. Too difficult. So I gave up, and turned back to drinking.

See, one thing that I didn't learn back then was that when you give up something, you have to fill it up with something else. Because I didn't fill my life with something else, all that these daily sacrifices did was to show me the emptiness and darkness of my life. I had no friends, no purpose, no peace of mind. If only I had known then to fill my mind and heart with God's love and Word, to fill my life with new Christian friends and my family, and to find a better outlet for my emotions instead of using alcohol.

I wish I could tell you that I learnt this and then began to apply it to my life and change. But I didn't. I had to go right back to the point where I hit further rock bottom than I had in Australia before I was able to change. But once that happened, I clung so tightly to God and my family, and He and they have indeed been so faithful to fill my life with all the goodness and love that I need.

When you give up a bad habit or take something bad out of your life, be sure to fill it up with light, or you will surely fail. It's like in Matthew 12:43-45 where an evil spirit went out of a man, but couldn't find a place to rest, so it decided to return back to its old house. It found the house "unoccupied, swept clean and put in order" and so because the house was empty (the man had not filled the previously occupied space with anything else), it brought seven other spirits more evil than it to live in the house, and the final condition of the man was worse than before. From experience, I can assure you that each time I went into recovery and fell, the harder it was to get back up, because each time I failed, I drank a little harder, a little faster, a little more reckless.

Make sure God is filling all the empty spaces in your life with His Word and love.

"I called,
You answered
And You came to my rescue
and I wanna be where You are"
Hillsong United - Came To My Rescue

23 days sober. I still stand firm in my belief that when it God who is sustaining you and giving you strength, then staying sober is so easy. But, if you try to do it out of your own strength and willpower, then staying away from alcohol is the hardest thing in world. It is so heartbreaking that you would give up everything you love just for another taste of alcohol. That was where I was a few weeks ago.

I'm glad to say though, that I no longer feel like that, and I know that it's not me, but God. It's the family and parents that He blessed me with, the friends He's brought into my life, and His grace that has carried me through the last 3 weeks. I'm so thankful and eternally grateful.

A big shoutout must go to my Mum who has been ever so patient and loving towards me. Thank you, Mum!

At this very moment, I am 2 days, 16 hours, and 19 minutes sober. It feels like it's been forever though since my last drink. I don't know how I'll be able to stay sober for long, but I'll just make sure I take everything one day at the time and not start thinking about having to stay sober forever. The thought of never having alcohol again freaks me out, which in turn makes me crave vodka.

These are the steps that my family and I have been taking:
*I don't go out by myself unless I'm accompanied by my parents, and definitely no hanging out at night.

*I take my medication (anti-depressants & anti-convulsants) regularly and as prescribed by my psychiatrist. That part is important because I used to just take my meds whenever I felt like it (which wasn't very often).

*I see my psychiatrist once a week. (My parents see him too when I go to help them feel supported and find out how they can help me)

*I removed all alcohol from my room.

*I stopped seeing and calling (although at times I do end up contacting them) my old friends that I used to drink with. This was the hardest and one of the saddest parts of my recovery.

*I started exercising (doing yoga) and this has really helped to keep my mood more stable.

*I turned to God for help and learned (and am continuing to learn) to rely on Him. Spending time with Him is something I've noticed as being a huge factor and predictor as to whether I stay sober or not.

*I started going to church again and making new friends with godly Christians. It's now kinda hard to nurture these new friendships and to make new ones because I'm not allowed to go out right now...but I'm sure in time as I become more stable, my parents will be more willing to trust me and be comfortable with the idea of me going out to hang with them.

Umm...can't think of any other steps that I've taken, but if you're reading this and think of something that you think might be useful, please leave me a comment.

I was feeling terribly, extremely, so incredibly mad a while ago, but as quickly as my rage was aroused, it was doused out. See, one of my bestest (I know that's not really a word, but it's the only way I could make it so clear how good a friend she is to me) friends (Abby) in the whole world is moving to Canada on Monday...and since I live in Hong Kong, it's kinda a huge deal. Anyways, it's her birthday tomorrow night and I was supposed to have dinner with her to celebrate and to say goodbye (notice I said 'supposed').

Well, my parents pretty much put their foot down. After the incident on Wednesday (which I won't go into detail, but let's just say it was bad...like really bad), they're just too afraid to let me out of the house. I don't blame them. Well, I did earlier when I was still seething over not being able to see my friend again, but now I'm slowly just drifting into acceptance.

It doesn't mean I'm happy with them, or that I'm very happy with myself at the moment, but now that I've had time to cool down, I know that as stupid as I think it is, they're only just trying to keep me safe. I honestly don't think I would drink tomorrow if I saw Abby, but then again, I always think that before I end up stumbling home the following day at noon completely drunk.

I'm just sad now. I'm going to miss her. The laughter, the giggles, the sleepovers where we would lie together and pray...I'll miss you, my dear, dear friend.