I am back.

I've been away for a while...

About a month ago, I received 11 nasty comments from an anonymous person on my blog and though I didn't have any problems forgiving them, I did feel quite hurt and intimidated and that kept me away for this time. One of the comments this "Christian" person made that was like acid upon my heart was a comment that people like me must've come from a sexually abused background, and therefore my fear makes me make up crap about God that is not true.

Let me tell you a part of my story of my God and how He saved me. I won't tell the whole story, because that would take too much time, but one day in heaven, all will be revealed and Jesus will receive great glory from my life because He indeed is my Redeemer, my Restorer and my Saviour. Apart from Him, there is no other.

Yes, the anonymous comment had some truth in it. I was molested when I was a little girl. I was too young to understand what was going on, and when the man died two weeks later, I blamed myself and thought that it was because there was something wrong with me. I didn't dare to tell anyone, because I was afraid that they would confirm my suspicions that I did indeed "kill" that man with my wickedness.

I grew up with so much shame...so much guilt...so much condemnation of who I am. Everyday I woke up with an apology on my face. "Sorry for breathing, sorry for taking up space, sorry for being me"...I was so afraid of making mistakes...I had to be perfect and no one must ever know what I'm really like...

When I was 12, I was bullied by my own group of bestfriends and no one stood up for me. I wound up in the hospital 2 days before my 13th birthday because in a fit of despair, I overdosed on pills. I remember it so clearly...I honestly thought that everyone would be happy with me gone because I was so "wrong". Some people feel guilt for doing bad things...I felt guilt for being me. For existing. For using up resources that clearly could have gone to better deserving people.

I grew up with so much pain...so much pain hidden inside and no one understood because no one knew my story. Many told me to toughen up...many told me that I was spoilt and that I was only depressed because I had the luxury to fall apart. So I punished myself for not being good enough. I drank, I slept around, I cut myself...everytime the world threw more crap at me, I punished myself and wished I was dead.

My teenage years were a blur...I was 16, maybe 17, I really can't remember, when I was raped. That started my downward spiral into drugs. I had been in therapy and medication for a while now but it was just a band-aid for a gaping hole in my heart. I was 18 when I vowed to take 6 more months to see if life would get better, if not I would kill myself.

And this was where Jesus found me.

21st of May, 2004.

That was the day I was saved. He found me, and on that day, I was on my knees for 7 hours, crying and weeping because for the first time in my life, I felt like I was coming home. I didn't know what I was coming home to, but I knew that I had never known a peace and love like this before. I finally understood that there was Someone who had seen everything that had happened, Someone who didn't blame me for my sins but who understood...Someone whose heart broke along with mine all these years. Someone who had wept over me because I was so lost.

And now here I am, 5 years later...free from alcohol, free from smoking, free from immorality...just FREE! I am surrounded with love everyday and He has more than restored everything that was taken from me. He restored my relationship with my Dad when I thought it couldn't be saved. He deepened my relationship with my Mum when I was sure it couldn't go deeper. He gave me a second chance to start life again with a clean slate and He gave me my dignity and purity back.

Yes, I understand that sharing all this might potentially change people's views of me...and yes, maybe even some of the people that I love might walk away from me. But you know what? I will not stay silent any longer. I will not live with the shame of things that were done to me and taken from me when I was just a vulnerable and fragile child. It is time to give a voice to the voiceless and stand up for the truth. This is not just my story, but it is God's story of how He knew me, loved me and fought for me so that I might know Him and have all my tears wiped away.

I have fallen so deep in love with Him. My Jesus, fully man and fully God...my God who came down from heaven and died for me so that I might not just receive forgiveness but healing. He is the One who gave me everything that I have. I praise Him for those He has used in my life, especially my parents who have faithfully provided for me and given me above and beyond what I deserve, but I know that everything I have comes from His hand. Every good and perfect gift comes from my Father of Light.

Why is He everything to me? Because I know that I know that He is all I have. I do not blame anyone for my circumstances...I do not even blame those who have hurt me, but I love and forgive them because I know that they are all broken people too. I bless them and know that my fight is not with them but with the enemy of our souls. He was out to get me, and no one, not even my parents or boyfriends could ever protect me from what happened. This is a fallen and sinful world. Bad things DO happen to good people...but even good people are all sinners, for all have fallen short of the glory of God.

He alone protects me...He alone guards my way and leads me along paths of righteousness. In Him I will trust because He is the only One worthy of all of me. He is my Father, my Bridegroom, my Bestfriend. He is everything.

The anonymous commenter said that it is because of my fear that I make stuff up about God.

I say it is His love, my love, OUR love, that I know my God.

Those who don't understand may say that this is all fanciful imagination to help me cope with a dark world. But you don't get it. I would not only gladly die for my Jesus...I would live for Him. I would choose, not out of obligation, not out of duty, but out of love to die to my desires, my dreams, my own wants, everyday so that He can live through me and make something so beautiful out of my life. Even if I walk through pain and suffering all of my life, I will choose to praise Him and give Him all glory. It might take me some time to get to that place, but I will keep choosing Him until He makes me into someone whose heart is fully committed to Him. He walks with me and He comforts and heals me...that is enough to make my life richer than it's ever been before.

I never knew that life could be this good, this sweet, this amazing. I will praise my God, and I will love Him and serve Him...and if anyone would call me crazy and mad, my prayer is that we would ALL be crazy and mad, for He is so good. He is the most kindest, loving, amazing Person that I've ever known and I haven't even scratched the surface of knowing His goodness.

We were all created to worship. Whether we like it or not, we are slaves to the gods that we serve, whether it's work, relationships, fame, fortune...

I choose to serve and worship the Living God.

I don't mean to sound arrogant or prideful, but this is something that I will never stop declaring...that my God is good, and that He IS the only Way, the only Truth, and the only Life.