8 days!!!  

Posted by Tiffany in ,

8 days till I get married!

Time has flown by so incredibly fast and I can barely keep up! Who would've thought that when I first started this blog in August 2006 as an outlet for all my emotions while going through recovery for alcohol abuse, that only 4 years later, I would be getting married!!! Wow, God is so good.

The last 9 months since Damian and I have gotten together have been some of the best months of my life, as well as some of the hardest times. God has been doing an intense cleaning and refining in me, and bringing up lots of unresolved pain from the past in preparation for marriage. Things have definitely accelerated so fast that there were times I wasn't sure that I could keep up. All in all though, God has not only proven Himself to be faithful time and time again, but He has also given me such a wonderful and patient man to walk through the whole process with me.

Sometimes I sit on my couch and am so overwhelmed as I think, "Who am I? Who am I that my God should bless me so much?" My cup is overflowing with His love, and even though I am so often blind and deaf, His love and great mercy to me is evident everywhere I turn.

I was reading John 13:1-17 the other day, and I remembered a vision I saw a long time ago of Jesus washing my feet. It was the most amazing thing, slightly awkward and uncomfortable as I saw the great I AM washing my feet (initially I kept telling Him that I didn't want Him to, that I should be the one washing His feet), but definitely so beautiful. There was this look of love in His eyes that was so passionate and full of delight that it went straight into my heart and pierced it. I was so moved at the love that my God had for me, and never had I seen such a gaze of love in anyone's eyes before. He was looking at me as if I was the most beautiful and treasured person in the whole world.

As I remembered this vision, I was suddenly reduced to tears as I realized something. Since the time I saw that vision, I HAVE seen this look again. I see this look in Damian's eyes during intimate moments when the world just stops and stands still as we gaze into each others' eyes. He looks at me with the same eyes that I saw in my beautiful Lord. How can words even begin to describe all the emotions that I was feeling at this moment? How could I, the one who was so despised, broken, and full of sin, be the same one that He has chosen to bestow such riches upon???

I am in awe of the great mercy and compassion of my Lord. That He would choose to allow me to see a glimpse of His love through Damian everyday and show me how precious and treasured I am to Him...wow, He really does bring us from glory to glory!!!

I am so excited to enter into marriage next week Sunday :) Damian has definitely been the greatest gift God has ever given me after Himself, and even though it has been hard at times as Damian and I have had to battle to stand firm in His word when He was dredging up a lot of shame in me from my past, I know that life will just keep getting better and better because we are with Him! Our joy is not dependent on our circumstances around us or the storms in our lives, but when we are in Him and growing closer to Him everyday, life becomes such an adventure! I just can't wait to experience more and more of His love in the days to come, and I am overjoyed at having Damian and many wonderful loved ones to share all this with!

I will see Him in his eyes...  

Posted by Tiffany in , ,

I still can't believe that I'm getting married in July!!!

As I sat here spending time with Him tonight, I couldn't stop crying because His love was touching me in the deepest places of my heart. I remembered a memory from May last year on Mother's Day when I had shared with a group of people about the shame and guilt from my past. I was received with so much love that night, and a really good friend of mine had spoken words over me. He prayed that as I walked down the aisle on my wedding day, that I would know that my husband is not thinking about my past at all, but that as I looked into his eyes, there would so much love and delight in them that I would see Father God gazing at me through him.

During that night, I had hoped that this would be true one very distant day in the future, but I had never really dared to believe that it really was possible. I didn't even know how Damian felt about me until a few months later, but somehow God has just done one miracle after another to bring us together. I would never have thought that I could experience a love like this on earth.

Tonight, as He whispered into my ears of what my friend had prayed on Mother's Day, I was overcome with emotion as I suddenly realized that it has all come true. I know that I know that I KNOW, that when I walk down that aisle on July 25th, I will see Damian standing there gazing at me with so much love, and I will experience a taste of just how much my God loves me. I still can't believe this is all happening to me...

About a year and half ago, God spoke to me and promised me that He would give me a husband who would love me the way that He loves me, and that through him, I would come to a deeper and fuller revelation of Jesus' love for me. He is so good to me that I don't even know what to say! Everyday, as I walk with Damian and see the ways that he loves me, I sometimes feel like Jesus is there in the flesh loving me. I see my God, alive, living and breathing inside of my Damian, and I am in awe. Damian is this little jar of clay carrying the spirit of the Almighty God and what a wonder it is to witness the power of His love flowing through Damian.

I am honoured, blessed and so privileged to be spending the rest of my life with my Damian, the one that my God has chosen for me. :)

The valley  

Posted by Tiffany in

My God is so good to me, and I am so blessed.

4 days ago, I blogged about Psalm 45:11 and how God had been telling me that He thinks I'm so beautiful. I don't know how, but I just knew that He was affirming me overtime because there was something that was coming that He wanted me to face. I asked Him what it was, and He avoided the question and asked instead if I would go deeper with Him even if it was painful, because He is the Faithful One who will not leave me. Of course I said yes.

The next day in my morning prayers with Damian (he and I have been meeting together in the mornings to pray together ever since we became official), he said that he felt it was time for me to share with him about my past. I agreed because I immediately knew that this was what God had been telling me about the night before.

There's been a lot of darkness in my life before I met Jesus...I made a lot of bad decisions, but there was also a lot of abuse and pain. Before Damian and I got together, we always knew that we would one day have to talk about all of this, because our own fears about it occasionally would come between us. He had a lot of fears because he knew that there was a lot of darkness in my life, but he didn't know what it was, and for me, I was always terrified that if he knew the truth about my past, that he would leave me. Anyways, we have always talked about how we are desiring not just that perfect unity and oneness with God but also with each other, and we knew that in order for us to have this, we wouldn't be able to have any dark corners and closed doors in our hearts. But, we both always dreaded this day because we knew it would be very painful.

On Friday we cleared our schedules and went to the beach where I shared with him an overview about my past. It was really painful for me because so many of the memories that I had tried to suppress over the years all came back up, and more than that, the shame and guilt rose up and caused me to doubt at times whether I really am who God says I am. There were a lot of tears, and I know that Damian was feeling a lot of pain as well and that his heart was so broken over everything that had happened.

I was so thankful though, because whenever I thought of that day, I always pictured him leaving, but what happened instead was that he just held me so tight and told me that he loved me. I know that God was just pouring His healing love into me at that moment. You know, I know that God is a God of love and grace, but it just amazed me so much to see that Damian, a human, could be so in touch with God's heart that he showed me so much love and grace too, even in the moment of his pain. That boy never ceases to amaze me.

I wish I could say that we received total healing that day but we didn't. The healing has begun, but it is a process and the pain comes in waves. God did promise us before all this that as we walked through this valley, He would be with us and bring us through into an even greater and more glorious light. Damian and I feel so broken right now...our emotions are so raw and my heart feels so shattered. But it's so cool because the Body of Christ has really been there for both of us, and we have felt their hands of love wrapped around us, ministering the love of the Father into our hearts. I'm so thankful for the Body!

Psalm 34:11 says, "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." and it is so true. Even though I am so emotionally drained at the moment and I have barely enough energy to do anything, I have felt His presence so close to me. When I was worshipping at church on Saturday night, I felt Him touch me and I was filled with so much joy because He was so real and so near to me in a way that I've only really experienced during times of brokenness. And last night at the Sunday service, I was feeling so tired and weary and was crying through the worship set, but by the end of the service, as we sang the lyrics, "When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say, blessed be the name of the Lord" I used all the strength that was left in me to stand up, raise my hands to Him and tell God, "Yes, I choose You!"

It was so incredible!!! It suddenly made me realise that it's so cool that in times when I'm standing on the mountain tops, I get to praise His name out of the overflow of love and joy. But in that moment, I was so broken and weary, and I got to give back to Him and praise Him out of my brokenness and emptiness, and somehow I just knew that He was so pleased. It suddenly struck me that it's so beautiful when broken people who are facing difficult circumstances still choose to put their faith in Him and declare that He is good! It's like the Widow's Offering in Luke 21:1-4, and I was so full of joy as I realised that even in my brokenness, His heart is STILL moved by me as I choose Him.

I am so blessed!!! This time is tough and it hurts to face all those memories, and even more, it is painful to see Damian in pain, but I want to treasure this time with God, because I know that He is taking us so much deeper into Him and with each other. Something so beautiful is going to be birthed through this, and I know that we will look back at this time as something so precious that we wouldn't trade it for anything. He is so glorious and so beautiful, and I know that He's doing all this to give us more freedom, more healing, more deliverance so that we can come even closer to Him.

I love Him so much!

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." - Psalm 23:4

And this blog post just wouldn't be complete without me saying, I love you so much, Damian :) Thank you for walking through this with me and sharing in my pain. I know that when we get through this, our love, joy and healing will be multiplied! You are the only one for me!

A new perspective on freedom  

Posted by Tiffany in

God has been speaking to me lately about what true freedom is. I used to think that freedom meant being able to do what whatever I want to do, but He was showing me that there is an even deeper freedom that goes beyond the freedom to do be able to do anything.

He told me that true freedom is actually the stripping of all things that hinder our communion with Christ, so that every choice and decision we make is good, righteous and holy. Just like Adam and Eve could only choose good when they were in the garden (apart from the one choice to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil), He wanted to free me from everything that prevented me from knowing only His light and goodness. He wanted me to know only good and He desired to give me the freedom of being so filled with Him that I was unable to choose sin and wickedness.

I don't really understand what it means that I am His! I realised when He was speaking all this to me that He was trying to show me a deeper revelation of what it means that my life, heart and all that I am is His, to the point that it is not even my concern that He is mine and I am His, but that first and foremost, my foundational understanding of relating to Him stems from "I am HIS and His desire is for me". I do not make claims on Him or even His blessings and provision, for I understand that everything that He has is mine, and so I can just concern myself only with how to please Him for His desire is for me, and to know that as I live for Him, His heart is moved with pleasure and delight.

He must increase, and I must decrease. I must become completely His, seeking only His will and glory, forsaking all thoughts and concern for myself. This is not a scary thing, because He knows that when I lose myself, I will find myself in Him and we will be one. Then I will find myself not in my previous state (no matter how good it was), but I will find myself united in His glory and love. I will share in and partake of His divine nature and experience a glory that was never seen in my previous state where 'self' ruled. This glory is His, and it comes as I give myself over completely to Him, and in the perfect freedom that only He can give, I am able to become a living, breathing vessel of His love that can be poured out as an offering to Him and to the nations.

Oh Lord, may Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven! May it be done to me as You have said! I desire You, and I choose to empty myself of all that I am, so that I might have all of You for You alone will satisfy the longings of my heart. I praise You that Your heart is moved by me, and that as I delight myself in You, You free me even more to sing higher praise to You!

Psalm 45:11  

Posted by Tiffany in

The Lord has been teaching me so much about what it means to love in humility and selflessness, and in the last week, I have been so convicted of how far I fall short. It has been really painful to come face to face with the reality of where I am. But, our Lord is such a merciful and kind God, and even whilst His Spirit was working in me to convict me of selfishness and pride, He was singing over me and telling me that I am beautiful.

The whole of last week, He kept speaking the verse, "The King is enthralled by your beauty" (Psalm 45:11) to me over and over, but it was so hard for me to actually believe it because of what He was showing me about my heart. It was so cool though, because at our small group on Sunday night, we prophesied over each other, and the words that I got were about how He just delights in my beauty, and that when He looks at me, He only sees me as that beautiful, radiant bride. I was so touched because He was confirming His word to me through people who had no idea of what He had been speaking to me during the week.

Yesterday was a little tough because I was struggling a little and I was just feeling so much shame. I woke up this morning and was feeling so sad because I felt so separated from Him, but immediately, I heard His voice so clearly saying, "The only thing that is hindering our fellowship right now is YOUR refusal to come to Me. You don't have to beat yourself up because I died!"

It just shook me right out of my despair over the state of my heart, and immediately I approached Him and asked Him to come. As I confessed to Him all the things that were bothering me, His presence just came and wrapped all around me, and as the tingles and shivers travelled through my body, I just knew that He was hugging me. I felt so loved in that instant and His love flooded through me and removed all my negative emotions.

But you know, our God is not just a good God, but He really is an EXTRAVAGENT God of love, and as I met Damian for lunch today, he handed me a letter that told me that he agreed with God that I am beautiful! I really felt like God was reminding me that He really does think I am so beautiful, and that even Damian thinks that too! And as if that's not enough, when I listened to my music on the way home from school, I put on a CD I haven't really heard before, and the song that came on was from an Intercessory Worship CD called "Ravished" and the lyrics were all about how "the King greatly desires your beauty" (Psalm 45:11 in the NKJV), "you have ravished My heart, My sister, My bride", "you are all-beautiful and there is no spot within you" and the part that just moved me so much was when the the singer on the CD started speaking, and he said something along the lines of, "I know that you are weak, I understand your immature love, but I remember that you said 'Yes' and even your weak glance moves My heart. You are the joy of My desire."

How amazing is our God??? It's so amazing how He just went out of His way to make sure that not a hint of shame would remain in my heart! Even as He is washing me with His word to remove every blemish from me, He is building me up and affirming me with His declarations of who I am to Him and in Him. He's been telling me not to despair over what I see, for I only see the temporal but He sees eternity, and He sees the eternal beauty and glory which I will have because I am hidden in Christ and He dwells in me! He is not worried at what He sees in me because He knows where I will end up, and He knows that on the day that Christ comes for His bride, that I will be like Him and be radiant in His glory!

He is truly a God who knows how to romance His people! He kept telling me that He really wants me to give Him full reign in my heart, and that He wants me to go deeper with Him because He is desiring ALL of me. He is so hungry to have all of me and for me to be filled to the measure of ALL the FULLNESS of God! It feels so amazing to be wanted and desired by Him. The most amazing thing is that when He shows me how much He loves me and is passionate for me, instead of taking Him for granted, His longing for me stirs up a desire in me to give myself completely to Him, to hold nothing back but to surrender and abandon all that I am in lovesick worship.

Oh, how marvellous is our God! Truly, there is no One like Him!!!!

We are official!  

Posted by Tiffany in

Something beautiful has happened to me...

For the longest time God has been unfolding His love story with me, and in the last year, He has been writing a beautiful earthly romance that has turned my world upside-down. I haven't been blogging since August because it was around this time that He chose to start unveiling and revealing all that He has been doing and it wasn't appropriate at that time to share that with everyone.

But now I can!

But I don't even know where to start...

I guess I'll start with where I am now and hopefully backtrack and tell the full story from the beginning over the next few months.

So as of 29th of October, 2009, Damian and I are now officially together!

The rest of the story to come soon...

He sees the budding virtues  

Posted by Tiffany in ,

Over the last 4 months, God has been putting me through the fire, doing open-heart surgery to remove deep-rooted issues and it has been so painful. It has been difficult to ward off discouragement, and even last night, I felt so much anguish that I am still not where I want to be.

Today I spent the day avoiding God, so ashamed that I keep failing Him over and over. I was so distracted and bothered that nothing could keep my attention until I went hunting through my drawers and found an old journal. It was the journal that I kept during the year that I first received the Lord. As I read it, I couldn't stop weeping as I saw that even in all my struggles and powerlessness, He really saw all the desires in my heart back then and He has more than fulfilled what I once dreamt of.

Now I have new dreams of higher levels and a deeper hunger for intimacy with Him, but I can see that He has been so faithful...that even in the midst of the darkness that I came from, He had been planting seeds in my heart, seeds that have blossoming. I am in another season now where He is weeding and uprooting, and I know that even though I might not understand things, just like in the past, I can have confidence that even in the light of seeing all my weaknesses, He knows what He is doing and that He will never fail me.

I really want to attach to this blog post a copy of a poem that I wrote a month before I was saved. I had been going to church for about 4 months by then, but I was still very much deep into the drugs, drinking and self-destructiveness. I was so moved when I found it because I could see so clearly how far God has taken me.

I am not satisfied with the place that I am in right now, but thank God I am not in the place I used to be!

"Blinded, the darkness floods
the torch in my heart,
Crying, gurgling in despair and pain,
I drown in the River of the Night.

Father, You are faithful and true,
You deliver a glimmer of light,
A spark of hope. A shimmer of sunshine
at the surface of the water guiding me.

I swim upwards, eyes focused on You.
Escaping the corpses in the deep cold,
Shivering, tainted to my bones,
You ignite my spirit, warmth radiating from Your love.

Keep my fire burning, Father,
Extinguish my doubts and fear.
I want to depend on You,
Engulfed in Your magnificent love and joy.

I relinquish control, with You I will never sink.
Purchased at a price, my life is Yours.
How could I have been so faithless,
Destroyed by the disease of the world.

Father, I long to be with You,
Everlasting peace, a stream of joy,
An ocean of eternal love.
Unworthy, and yet I was chosen.

I will take Your hand and trust You,
With You I can soar..."

I am just so amazed...I wrote this at a time when I did not know any Christians, had not said any Sinner's Prayer, NO ONE had even taught me the 'language' to communicate with God...and yet, He took care of me, revealed Himself to me and taught me everything that I know today.

There was no Body of Christ back then to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and minister Christ's love to me. Christians shunned me and wanted nothing to do with me, and yet, He had compassion on me and bent down from heaven to clothe me and comfort me Himself.

I am comforted. I always thought that I 'love' God now, but I didn't back then...but how merciful He is that in my time of discouragement, He would show me my heart, so that I would know that even though my actions didn't match my desires back then, He still saw those budding virtues that He had planted in me. He is my God, my Gardener, the One who made all those seeds grow and I know that He will take me even higher from here.

Created for love  

Posted by Tiffany

The longer I live in this world, the more I am convinced that we really are all just little children who've been made for love. Pride puffs us up and we want to think we are so strong, so intelligent, so self-sufficient...that we don't need God or anyone and that we can do it all ourselves. But I look around me, and everywhere I look, I see signs that point to the truth that we have been created to be so little, so weak, so vulnerable, because we were created to be loved.

We were never meant to experience all the horrors and pains of this world. I was reading the papers today about war and I was so struck by how we like to think that we can separate our hearts from the rest of ourselves and 'get the job' done...but the reality is that men who go to war come back changed from the emotional and psychological toll that it takes on their hearts. I was reading about men who go to war but cry out for their mothers with their dying breath and men who come back from war and kill their wives and themselves, and I am even more convinced that we really are created to be loved.

Look around us...look at what happens when people are not loved. The abused becomes the abuser, the used becomes the user, and this self-perpetuating vicious cycle goes on and on. We don't want to admit that we really ARE that weak and helpless, and that there are so many things that happen that are beyond our control, and that we really do need God to depend on and take care of us.

It's funny...I started out this blog post thinking that it was our pride that kept us from admitting that we need God to help us, but as I started writing, I suddenly saw this vision of all these little kids running around scared. There was so much fear because they all thought that they were orphans and that they had to look after themselves and protect themselves. This fear made them all look out for "number one" and not care too much about who they step upon or trample on, because "in this life, if you don't take care of yourself, no one else will".

What lies we believe about God...that He's not good enough to really protect and take care of us if we truly trust Him and relinquish control. I know that I still believe so many of these lies...I know, because God keeps unravelling these lies one layer at a time, and I am shocked each time at the 'lies' that have been 'truths' that I have believed for so long that I never even questioned them. And you know what?!?!?!

Everytime God exposes one of the lies, I suddenly receive revelation of Him and I am just blown away by how good and merciful and kind He is. I always knew He was good and kind...but the more He reveals to me, the more I realise that He is so above and beyond the goodness that I can even fathom. He is so much more good, loving, kind, compassionate, gentle and amazing than I could even imagine before!!!

Oh God, breathe on me and cause my heart to know the depth, width, length and height of Your love!

Ministering to Him  

Posted by Tiffany in

He's been speaking to me a lot lately about what it means to minister to Him...to be honest, I don't really know anything about this. I've never really heard about this, but when Janet talked to me about this on Sunday, it struck a chord in me because the Lord has been telling me for the longest time about how my ministry is first and foremost to Him. I've been asking Him to teach me so that I would know what it means because I just don't understand how I, a mere human could possibly minister to the heart of God.

Today while I was spending time with Him, He spoke to me.

"You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride;
you have stolen my heart
with one glance of your eyes,
with one jewel of your necklace.

How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride!
How much more pleasing is your love than wine,
and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice!

Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride;
milk and honey are under your tongue."
Song of Songs 4:9-11

He told me that this passage is the truth of what happens when I look at Him. He really is overwhelmed and moved by love whenever I turn my glance and fix it upon Him. That is me ministering to His heart! All I have to do is incline my eyes upon His beauty and set my heart upon Him, praising and worshipping Him in adoration. That is my ministry unto Him!

It got me so excited because I realized that this makes such a difference for me. Even in so-called "unanointed times" or in seasons where I feel so dry when I'm spending time with Him, I can have confidence in this: that everytime I whisper His name and look at Him, His heart is moved with pleasure! Even if I might not 'feel' anything in that moment, the truth is that I can bring pleasure to the heart of my God when I love Him! How cool is that???

He really, really enjoys us! He's not stern and angry, but so, so, so kind and merciful and so full of joy! He doesn't expect anything from us...He knows exactly how we were made, and He is so humble that even though He is King, He doesn't force us to worship Him. And so when we freely choose to worship and exalt Him, He is so moved!

It's like when we expect people to meet our needs, then suddenly no matter how much they give, it's never enough. But when we stop putting our expectations on people, then every act of love they do for us is suddenly so precious!

I was listening to Dana Candler from IHOP speaking earlier, and she said that what struck her so much was that when Jesus walked here on earth, even though He was the most rejected man ever, His heart was so open and so full of love. Even as people betrayed Him and rejected Him, He was still loving them without any bitterness because He had no pride or arrogance in Him. All He had was goodness and kindness. Then she said something that blew my mind. She said something along the lines of if that was how Jesus loved when He was being rejected, then can you imagine how much He is moved with pleasure when we receive Him and LOVE Him with all our hearts?!?!?! That blows my mind!

My God enjoys me!!! As I was praying, I could feel His eyes watching me, and it was like there was this spotlight shining down from heaven upon me. He was looking at me so intently as if there was nothing else to look at, and it was quite uncomfortable at first. But then suddenly He reminded me that He already sees all of me and He is so pleased with me!

So I just flopped backwards and looked back at Him and cried out, "Search me and know me, my God, so that I might know You! Here I am...delight in me!"

And you know what? It wasn't even scary because I know that there is nothing in me that is too ugly for Him. He will never turn away in disgust and run away from me! But instead, He lovingly and attentively moulds me and paints every detail of His character upon my heart :)

Audience of One  

Posted by Tiffany in

Yesterday at the House of Prayer, Jesus was speaking to me on what it means to live my life before Him, before my Audience of One.

He said to me, "All day long, I wait upon you, My beloved. I wait for the glance of your eyes to look My way, and when you do, My heart is moved and overwhelmed. I would wait a thousand years for you, My love, and I would not move from your side because that is how much I love you and long for you. You delight My heart and I am filled with joy when I look upon you."

I was so broken before Him because when I heard His tenderness and love, I knew that every word that He spoke was true. That He follows me everywhere I go, waiting for me to acknowledge Him, and most of the time I am too 'busy' and distracted by everything else. I was so sad to know that even though I am so important to Him, I don't treat Him like the King that He is.

But He said, "Beloved, I am patient. I am kind. I do not force but I draw you deeper by the power of My love and not by your strength. I am watching you and I am captivated by your beauty." With those words, He revived me again in the hope that one day, one day, I will be everything that He died for me to be. That it won't just be a concept but actual reality. Oh, how I long for the day when I am in the deepest communion with Him and there is no more separation...that whether I am washing the dishes or eating my dinner, I would know experientially that He is there with me, loving me in every moment.

He knows me  

Posted by Tiffany in

I am absolutely loving my time at the House of Prayer.

I was originally supposed to stay in Penang to serve at a drop-in center for homeless people with YWAM, but because I was so homesick, I ended up going home to Singapore. I was quite bummed at first when I made that decision, because I really wanted to give this summer to the Lord and serve Him. I'd been praying about this summer since last year, so I was sad that I was going to 'miss out' on what the Lord had for me.

But when I made the decision to come home, I really felt like this was the right decision, and I had a lot of peace about it. The Lord even spoke to me and said that He had something for me in Singapore. However, at the time, I was a little doubtful because I thought that was my own flesh talking to try and comfort me at 'bailing out'. But here I am in Singapore having a BLAST being in His house and spending my summer worshipping and crying out to Him!

He really knows me so well...He was speaking to me on Saturday that He really saw my heart and how much I wanted to give myself to Him this summer, and He knew that I would've served at that drop-in center if He had told me to. But, He told me that He knows how I am made, and He knows the deepest desires of my heart, so He wanted to place me in an environment where I am released in all my dreams and giftings! How awesome is that?!?!

Honestly, there is nothing I love better than being in His house of prayer. If they were 24/7, I don't think I would ever go home apart from to shower and get a change of clothing! He knows me better than I know myself! I would've really enjoyed serving at the drop-in center, but seriously, there is nothing that makes my heart sing like being in His house of prayer!!!!!! I didn't even know this place existed until after I had made my decision to go home!

He planned every step of the way and took even my homesickness into account :) I am so happy! He is such a good and joyful God!

The dance floor  

Posted by Tiffany in ,

When I was at the House of Prayer on Saturday, I saw the following vision.

I saw a ballroom full of people, and all of us were standing on the sides, looking at the empty dance floor. Then Prince Jesus walked up to me and asked me to dance. I didn't know how to dance, but He wasn't worried. "Follow Me," He said and so I did. He led and I responded and together we dance and twirled and looked so good together.

He said to me, "Out of a crowd of people, I would choose you. Beloved, it has always been you. You have always been the one for Me." (I know that He was speaking this not just to me, but to all of us who are His.)

Then I heard Him say, "Wait for Me. Do not grow weary but watch and wait, for I will surely come. I will surely come for you and bring you home with Me. I have not forgotten you but My heart is ravished by you. I will come for you. I will not tarry but I will come for you."

He impressed it so strongly upon my heart that He will come for me, and it moved me so much to remember once again that this life we live on earth is so small, so little, and that when our lives on earth is over, we will be able to see Him face to face and gaze into His eyes of love. I couldn't stop weeping as He said all this to me, because I was just longing for Him so much and I am hungry for the day when I can stand before Him and feel His arms of love around me.

As I stood there worshipping, I saw Him breathe and blow upon my heart, and all these seeds and fragrance were released all around me. In the intimacy of this moment, I knew that I would give up everything just to touch heaven and be with Him. Everything faded away until all there was left was burning, consuming love. In that moment, even my greatest desire here on earth to be married faded away until I realised that if I never get married, I wouldn't just be okay, but that I would be blessed because then He would be the Only One.

"Wait for Me," He said, and I realised that even the greatest marriages here on earth are but a shadow of the real marriage that will take place in heaven! Where I will know the greatest intimacy that I have ever known, and where all my desires and dreams will be satisfied in Him!

I want to waste my life on Him! I want to pour out extravagent worship and devotion to Him that will be mocked and scorned by the world, but I will smile and rejoice because I know that I have everything my heart has ever searched for. I don't want to be "useful", I don't want to have a "function", I just want to praise and worship Him all the days of my life.

I cried out to Him, "Consume me, consume me, Jesus!!!" and I saw a vision of myself being burnt at the stake. When I looked closer, I saw that I was not even tied to the stake, but that I was free! I was choosing to be burnt alive in the fire of His love, and as the fire consumed me, my face was radiant with joy. The more the fire burned, the more radiant I became and the louder I worshipped because I knew that though the fire might hurt at times, He purifies me so that I can draw ever closer and closer to Him.

Jesus, You are my Treasure! You are the only true Treasure in this world! The only One worth investing my everything in!!!! Take from me and make it Yours! I love you!!!!!!

He leads and guides me  

Posted by Tiffany in ,

I have a lot to share so I think I'm going to end up writing 3 blog posts in one shot :)

I'm now back in Singapore and God has led me to the One Thing Ministries House of Prayer. It was really cool how He did it! The more I walk with Him, the more I can see that it's not a guessing game with Him, or trying out things by trial and error, but He delights in making His will known to me. And even when I am not discerning His will by hearing clearly, He still leads me exactly to where I need to be so that I can hit the target!

When I was in Penang, I really wasn't in the mood to mingle, socialize and get to know new people, so I mainly stuck to spending time with people I already knew. But there was one lady named Janet that really stood out to me, and out of the 70 students that were there, she was the only one that I didn't know before that I ended up talking to. It turns out that Janet used to serve here at the House of Prayer in Singapore, and I was so interested in it (I'd never heard of a place like that in Singapore!) that when I got back to Singapore, I just couldn't even wait for her to contact me and take me, so I ended up Googling the place and going on my own.

How cool is it that out of all the students, God would lead me and prompt me to talk to the one person that would become such a huge connection for me in Singapore?!?!? When I went to the House of Prayer for the first time last Friday, no one talked to me apart from one girl named Winnie. There was an instant connection between us because we realized that we were of the same heart...wanting to spend all our lives just sitting at His feet, dwelling in His house and gazing upon His beauty. Not even to do all that hardcore spiritual warfare stuff, but just to adore Him in extravagent worship! It's so rare for me to meet someone who is like a Mary of Bethany, just like me! :D Apparently she's said it was really rare for her to meet Marys too, even in the house of prayer!

When I talked to Janet on Sunday, she said that it was really weird that Winnie would talk to me, because she's normally very quiet and doesn't talk to newcomers. How cool is it that out of a room full of people, that God would prompt the one person who was like me?!?!?! He really knows what He's doing!!!

Every little girl wants to be beautiful  

Posted by Tiffany

Do you see the scars that I wear when you look at me?

Do you see all my flaws, all the things that need to be fixed, or do you see the beauty that God has placed in me?

Because I see the scars.
I see all the shortcomings.
All the things that I am not and all the things that I ought to be.

Do you see the beauty that the Father has bestowed upon me? Beauty that radiates from the inside-out? Beauty that I know He has given me to possess because He is beautiful and I am created in His image? Because I can't see it.

When Father God asked me to stop wearing makeup last week, I knew that it was connected to something He was doing in my heart, but I didn't know what. I stopped wearing makeup but immediately lost my self-confidence and belief that I am beautiful. I looked at myself in the mirror and all I could see was ugliness and scars. I obsessed and fantasized of how to fix myself and my beauty became a project that I had to tackle.

I am so tired.

As I drew into His presence just now, I suddenly saw what the link was with my heart. Just like my outward beauty, I can believe that I am beautiful as long as I am wearing my "mask". I am very controlled, holding it all together as a "good" Christian until one day, I get too exhausted and my "mask" begins to crumble. Then, I realise that I never really believed that I was truly beautiful in the first place.

As I sat there in His presence, I fell apart sobbing as He revealed my heart and I saw that deep down inside, I always believed that I was ugly, worthless, never "good enough". Always trying to 'fix' myself, always trying to make sure that no one ever found out just how bad I am. Believing that if people really saw my heart, they would confirm that I am without value.

I think that when people look at me, all they see are my imperfections, my scars and ugliness from the past that is written upon the core of my soul. I believe that these scars from my past destroy my beauty so I try and try to cover them up and be "perfect", but I am so, so, so, tired. Tired of hiding, tired of covering up...it takes too much energy and I am weary.

He wants to show me my true beauty - beauty that I don't have to fix or manufacture, but beauty that just is. Beauty that inspires, beauty that is restful, beauty that is inviting. That is the beauty that He has set in me to radiate but is hidden by all the masks I wear.

Oh Father, strip me...strip me of all that I am, that I can become nothing and You can completely possess me. I am so little, so weak, so pathetic, and yet You look upon me with such grace, such mercy, such kindness. I am overwhelmed at Your goodness towards me...how You free me from all my insecurities, all my fears, so that I might soar with You and fly higher into the blinding light of the sun.

Let me look at You. Let me gaze upon the One who is Beauty itself. Let me be lost in Your glorious majesty, because when I do, I know that I will lose all that self-focus and be consumed by passion for You. More of You and less of me, my God.

"You will be a crown of splendor in the LORD'S hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God." - Isaiah 62:3

Imparting the Father Heart School 2009  

Posted by Tiffany in

Week One

We've officially finished the first week of the Imparting the Father Heart School 2009. I can't really be bothered to type up an update so I'm going to copy and paste the group update that I sent out to all my friends in Hong Kong.

I just finished week 1 of the Imparting the Father's Heart School here in Penang and it has been so awesome! God has been teaching me so much and showing me what it means to be a daughter in my Father's house. I was really touched this week because James Jordan was sharing about how the Father Heart of God is not just a 'tool' for inner healing or for broken people, but it's all about a way of life...learning to live and dwell in the center of His love. He talked about how God wanted to take us beyond knowing that He loves us to experiencing Him loving us everyday. We were created by Him to be loved, and there was one time this week when we were soaking and I saw Jesus and the Father gazing at me with such intense love in their eyes that I couldn't stop weeping because I just knew that for the rest of my life and all of eternity, I will be forever caught up in this divine love! I was so blown away by knowing in my heart that He will keep lavishing His love upon me forever because it delights Him too! I felt so whole and complete, like I belonged and was HOME. I heard Him say, "I came to give you a home in Me. You'll never be alone again."

During one of the sessions, I suddenly felt this urge to use the toilet so I got up and left the room, and the second I stepped out of the door, the most beautiful sunset hit me right in the face. It was so amazing...beautiful red and golden skies reflected over the ocean and I just gasped out loud and whispered, "Oh FATHER!" I couldn't stop gazing at it, and when I came out the bathroom a few moments later, the whole scene was gone. I just knew that God had just led me out of the room just at the right moment so that I could see that sunset!

I heard Him whispering to me later on, "I have such good plans for you, Tiff, such good plans!" He sounded so excited and then I heard Him say, "You don't have to do anything for Me. Just let Me love you. Will you let Me love you? I enjoy loving you so much." Then God showed me all these "video clips" of different moments in my life where I thought that I was alone, and suddenly I saw that He had been with me all the time. I had never been alone, and He had always been beside me loving me and doing good to me, all the days of my life! How awesome is that?

Anyways, there's so much more to share but I guess that's all I'll share for now...it's so cool because I know that everything that the Lord is showing me is not just for me but it is what He wants to give everyone too! I'm so thrilled that He loves us all as if we're His favourite kids. We start the 2nd week of the school on Tuesday so I'm sure I'll share more later!

I'm putting a link here to a video clip that my friend took of me sharing how the Father had impacted me during the week. I'm sharing about a little vision that God showed me about what it means to be His daughter and to have His Spirit living inside of me :) It's here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=420llH7gvRY

Back in Penang  

Posted by Tiffany

I'm finally back in Penang!

After completing my DTS with YWAM here last year, I've been longing to come back. Now just a year later, God has granted my desire and sent me to spend a month here. It's been great seeing old faces and meeting new friends, and it's been especially awesome catching up with Hailey (my old DTS roommate) and hearing how the Lord has been working in her life over the last year.

It's definitely different though...when I came here last year in January, I had been moving around so many countries that I didn't have any "normal" life and routine to miss. In a way, it was easier. I didn't care about checking my email and phone all the time because I knew that no one would be writing or calling, and so it was easier to devote myself completely to the Lord without any distractions.

This time I find myself torn. I've been here one day and I'm fretting over emails that have not been returned, SMSes that have not been replied too...missing my life and friends, a bit too distracted to really be 100% here. I don't like it. I miss my singleminded devotion to the Lord that I had last year...and yet I know that it was He that filled my life so much to delight me and thrill me, and that cutting people out of my life is not the answer.

More love for Him is the answer. Everytime I get frustrated with my divided heart, I hear Him whisper, "Don't pray for Me to take those things away. Pray for Me to give you so much love for Me that it makes your love for everything else seem so dim."

And so here I am. Take me, Lord. Take me and make me completely Yours. I am so grieved to see how easily my heart is led astray. I know that the people You have put in my life are so awesome and I thank You that You want me to love them, and Lord, I really do love them so much. But do not let my love for people leave me dissatisfied because this summer is for You. This summer is Yours, oh Lord.

I want to be even more set apart to You by the end of this summer. I want even more passion and desire than I have now. So help me, Holy Spirit, to die to myself and release all those that I love to You, trusting that You will take care of everything for me and that those friendships will still be there when I return home. I left behind so many loose ends and I'm the kind of person who likes closure...but Lord, help me to know that closure is found in You. Closure is found in my heart being brought to the right place and not in anything others might do or say.

I am wrestling with myself, Lord. Help me, Father, because I long so much to be with You fully, completely, with an undivided heart. Come, Lord Jesus, come....come and meet me in this place.

I will not stay silent  

Posted by Tiffany in ,

I am back.

I've been away for a while...

About a month ago, I received 11 nasty comments from an anonymous person on my blog and though I didn't have any problems forgiving them, I did feel quite hurt and intimidated and that kept me away for this time. One of the comments this "Christian" person made that was like acid upon my heart was a comment that people like me must've come from a sexually abused background, and therefore my fear makes me make up crap about God that is not true.

Let me tell you a part of my story of my God and how He saved me. I won't tell the whole story, because that would take too much time, but one day in heaven, all will be revealed and Jesus will receive great glory from my life because He indeed is my Redeemer, my Restorer and my Saviour. Apart from Him, there is no other.

Yes, the anonymous comment had some truth in it. I was molested when I was a little girl. I was too young to understand what was going on, and when the man died two weeks later, I blamed myself and thought that it was because there was something wrong with me. I didn't dare to tell anyone, because I was afraid that they would confirm my suspicions that I did indeed "kill" that man with my wickedness.

I grew up with so much shame...so much guilt...so much condemnation of who I am. Everyday I woke up with an apology on my face. "Sorry for breathing, sorry for taking up space, sorry for being me"...I was so afraid of making mistakes...I had to be perfect and no one must ever know what I'm really like...

When I was 12, I was bullied by my own group of bestfriends and no one stood up for me. I wound up in the hospital 2 days before my 13th birthday because in a fit of despair, I overdosed on pills. I remember it so clearly...I honestly thought that everyone would be happy with me gone because I was so "wrong". Some people feel guilt for doing bad things...I felt guilt for being me. For existing. For using up resources that clearly could have gone to better deserving people.

I grew up with so much pain...so much pain hidden inside and no one understood because no one knew my story. Many told me to toughen up...many told me that I was spoilt and that I was only depressed because I had the luxury to fall apart. So I punished myself for not being good enough. I drank, I slept around, I cut myself...everytime the world threw more crap at me, I punished myself and wished I was dead.

My teenage years were a blur...I was 16, maybe 17, I really can't remember, when I was raped. That started my downward spiral into drugs. I had been in therapy and medication for a while now but it was just a band-aid for a gaping hole in my heart. I was 18 when I vowed to take 6 more months to see if life would get better, if not I would kill myself.

And this was where Jesus found me.

21st of May, 2004.

That was the day I was saved. He found me, and on that day, I was on my knees for 7 hours, crying and weeping because for the first time in my life, I felt like I was coming home. I didn't know what I was coming home to, but I knew that I had never known a peace and love like this before. I finally understood that there was Someone who had seen everything that had happened, Someone who didn't blame me for my sins but who understood...Someone whose heart broke along with mine all these years. Someone who had wept over me because I was so lost.

And now here I am, 5 years later...free from alcohol, free from smoking, free from immorality...just FREE! I am surrounded with love everyday and He has more than restored everything that was taken from me. He restored my relationship with my Dad when I thought it couldn't be saved. He deepened my relationship with my Mum when I was sure it couldn't go deeper. He gave me a second chance to start life again with a clean slate and He gave me my dignity and purity back.

Yes, I understand that sharing all this might potentially change people's views of me...and yes, maybe even some of the people that I love might walk away from me. But you know what? I will not stay silent any longer. I will not live with the shame of things that were done to me and taken from me when I was just a vulnerable and fragile child. It is time to give a voice to the voiceless and stand up for the truth. This is not just my story, but it is God's story of how He knew me, loved me and fought for me so that I might know Him and have all my tears wiped away.

I have fallen so deep in love with Him. My Jesus, fully man and fully God...my God who came down from heaven and died for me so that I might not just receive forgiveness but healing. He is the One who gave me everything that I have. I praise Him for those He has used in my life, especially my parents who have faithfully provided for me and given me above and beyond what I deserve, but I know that everything I have comes from His hand. Every good and perfect gift comes from my Father of Light.

Why is He everything to me? Because I know that I know that He is all I have. I do not blame anyone for my circumstances...I do not even blame those who have hurt me, but I love and forgive them because I know that they are all broken people too. I bless them and know that my fight is not with them but with the enemy of our souls. He was out to get me, and no one, not even my parents or boyfriends could ever protect me from what happened. This is a fallen and sinful world. Bad things DO happen to good people...but even good people are all sinners, for all have fallen short of the glory of God.

He alone protects me...He alone guards my way and leads me along paths of righteousness. In Him I will trust because He is the only One worthy of all of me. He is my Father, my Bridegroom, my Bestfriend. He is everything.

The anonymous commenter said that it is because of my fear that I make stuff up about God.

I say it is His love, my love, OUR love, that I know my God.

Those who don't understand may say that this is all fanciful imagination to help me cope with a dark world. But you don't get it. I would not only gladly die for my Jesus...I would live for Him. I would choose, not out of obligation, not out of duty, but out of love to die to my desires, my dreams, my own wants, everyday so that He can live through me and make something so beautiful out of my life. Even if I walk through pain and suffering all of my life, I will choose to praise Him and give Him all glory. It might take me some time to get to that place, but I will keep choosing Him until He makes me into someone whose heart is fully committed to Him. He walks with me and He comforts and heals me...that is enough to make my life richer than it's ever been before.

I never knew that life could be this good, this sweet, this amazing. I will praise my God, and I will love Him and serve Him...and if anyone would call me crazy and mad, my prayer is that we would ALL be crazy and mad, for He is so good. He is the most kindest, loving, amazing Person that I've ever known and I haven't even scratched the surface of knowing His goodness.

We were all created to worship. Whether we like it or not, we are slaves to the gods that we serve, whether it's work, relationships, fame, fortune...

I choose to serve and worship the Living God.

I don't mean to sound arrogant or prideful, but this is something that I will never stop declaring...that my God is good, and that He IS the only Way, the only Truth, and the only Life.

This little life  

Posted by Tiffany

It's another one of my late night rambles...it's 4:10am now and I've just been spending time with Him and His presence is here. Oh, how sweet is His presence and how I love to dwell in the center of His love. How blessed am I that He always has time for me and that whenever I draw near, He gives me 100% of His attention...He's never distracted, He's never too busy, He's never too tired...

One day all of this will pass away...the world will fade away and this little life of mine will be just a blimp on the eternity that I will spend with Him. This short life is all I have until I go to be with Him and stand before Him face to face. One life is all I get to show Him that I truly do love Him.

It's going to be so easy in heaven to choose Him and to love Him, because His glory and love will be the very air that we breathe. It will be easy to believe Him and to have faith, because He will be tangible, He will be the face that I see everyday and He will dwell with me.

This life is the only chance I get to show Him that even though I don't understand things all the time, I still choose Him. This life is all I have to show Him that though I have but a glimpse of Him, I still love Him. This life is all I have to love Him and believe that He is who He says He is...because once we enter into heaven, everything will be different and none of this will be even something we have to think about because there is only one choice in heaven: Jesus.

Oh Lord, help me to live this life wisely and to make every moment count for You. Whether I am out with friends or at home studying, help me to choose You in every decision, in every moment, in every thought...Make me live a life that is so full of You that when I am on my deathbed, I look back with no regrets because I know in my heart that to the best that I could, by Your grace, I lived everyday walking with You. Help me to be committed to You the way You are to me. And when I do fail, help me to repent and get back up and try again because Your grace is sufficient.

Let me be one who enters into heaven and declares, "Oh my Lord, when I could only see in part, everything that I did see of You captivated my heart so much that I gave up everything to have You and know You." Make me Your intimate companion and may I not even notice anything that I give up to have more of You because my focus is on how thrilling it is to know You and go deeper with You.

Jesus, I just long for You so much. Oh my Lord, just as You told me today that You have eyes only for me, give me eyes only for You. Give me undistracted devotion for only You, for You alone are worthy. More, Lord, more...

The wedding  

Posted by Tiffany

I went to my first wedding ceremony today and it was so awesome because not only did we get to celebrate the love that Josh and Priscilla had for each other, but being able to witness the ceremony allowed me to catch glimpses of Jesus' heart for His church and for me.

When Priscilla walked down the aisle, she looked so breathtakingly beautiful and I peeked behind me to see what Josh was doing. His eyes were fixed only on her and he couldn't stop smiling and crying all at the same time. Everyone could see the love and joy that he had for her and as I saw that, I caught a glimpse of Jesus' heart as our Bridegroom.

I don't even know how to put into words what I experienced at the ceremony, but it was as if we were all caught up in heaven and not only were they getting married, but each one of us were getting married to Jesus too. As I watched Josh and Priscilla, I kept hearing Jesus whisper, "I have eyes only for you. I have eyes only for you." And I just felt so incredibly beautiful at that time...it was so strange, it was like the whole room faded away and even though there were all these people around, I knew that He was looking only at me (and the funny thing is that I knew that He was doing that for every individual there too...but somehow He can make it seem as if we're the only one).

I knew that one day when this age is over, there will be a huge wedding in heaven to celebrate the love that He and I have for each other, the love that He and the church have for each other. One day, there will come a time when all will be revealed and I will see and know and understand every memory that we've shared together...and on that day, when I walk down that aisle, His eyes will water and smile just like Josh's did today, because I know that His heart is captivated by me.

There was one part of the vows that they exchanged that touched my heart so much because I heard Jesus saying it to me. Josh said at one point, "Everything that I am, I give to you" and I was just so struck by how that is a picture of how Jesus loves me...Everything that He had, He gave up and when He was raised up to the right hand of the Father, He made every spiritual blessing in Him available to me. He holds nothing back from me, and just as in the earthly realms, when people get married, everything the husband has becomes the wife's, and everything the wife has becomes the husband's, so too does this happen in my relationship with Jesus.

Today was super, super cool and I'm so delighted that I got invited to witness Josh and Priscilla's wedding ceremony, not just because I got to be part of their special day, but also because it became a really special day for me to be able to have a deeper understanding of what it means to be married to Jesus :)

Fearfully and wonderfully made  

Posted by Tiffany in

I had the most wonderful time with the Lord today...it's been a long time since I've felt His delight and pleasure in me. I know that objectively it hasn't been that long, but I'm so used to dwelling in His presence and delight everyday that it's felt like an eternity.

I couldn't really understand why I was still hurting even though God healed me and helped me to forgive the people who hurt me on Sunday night. That was a really awesome night too, and although it was scary confronting my hurt and pain, I felt His healing touch and received His peace once again. So I was pretty confused as to why I was still feeling so down, and I couldn't understand why I was still avoiding Him. I knew that I was still running away from Him even though He was telling me He loved me so many times and I totally didn't understand.

Yesterday I got home from handing in my assignment after pulling an all-nighter. It was about 4:00pm and I was trying to figure out whether I should spend time with God or just crawl into bed because I was so tired. For some reason, I just sat on my bed and cried and cried (it seems like this is all I've done this month), and I was so sick of it that I ended up popping 2 melatonin pills (they're some herbal supplements to make you sleepy) and went to bed. I was trying to make sure that I would sleep for as long as I could so that maybe, just maybe, when I woke up, things would be better.

Just before I dozed off, I put on some worship music and muttered, "Jesus, please come find me...I don't know how to find You anymore and I'm so lost". At one point during the night, I woke up and actually felt His presence in my room (which confused me a little), but I was too exhausted to do anything other than mumble, "Thank You, Jesus, thank You, Jesus."

I had a strange dream last night where I was talking to someone and they said, "You know what's wrong with you? You never fight" and I denied it and disagreed but they said, "Here, I'll prove it". And then they hit me. The first time they hit me, I fought back and defended myself, but then he hit me again and again, and I just lay there and took it because I thought I deserved it.

Today when I was out, I realised that there's a difference between laying down your life out of love, and taking all the crap that the world throws at you because you think you deserve it. I didn't realise it before but I had been so angry at myself for being so sensitive and soft because I got so sick of being hurt easily. This world exalts strength and independence, and I know how weak and sensitive I am, and 3 weeks ago when I got hurt by those who were closest to me, I got so angry at myself and actually hated myself for being so weak. I was filled with so much hatred and disgust for myself that my thoughts went along the lines of, "You deserve to feel all this pain, you stupid, weak, sensitive loser". I was just so tired of feeling useless, insignificant, too sensitive, too soft, too...pathetic.

I tried to toughen up by closing my heart, and I guess I became really angry and bitter towards God for making me this way. I couldn't understand why He had gone so wrong when He made me. But today, when I was in IKEA (yeah, IKEA of all places!), He suddenly said, "You know, Tiff, I didn't create you to be so supersensitive so that the world could hurt you over and over, and not so that you could hate yourself. I made you this way so that you could connect with me, hear me and love me on a deeper level so much more easily." And then it clicked. Being me isn't a bad thing...He didn't make any mistakes...I'm good just the way I am.

I missed Him so much right then, so I went straight home to be with Him. I asked Him what He had been doing in my room the night before when I felt His presence and He showed me a vision of me sleeping in bed, strands of my hair stuck to my face from crying myself to sleep. He was there, brushing my hair from my face and He had tears in His eyes as He bent over and kissed my cheek. I saw Him whisper, "Come back, My child. Come back. I miss you."

I couldn't stop crying when He showed me this, and I just called out His name. And you know what? The second I called out His name, His presence was in my room! He didn't play any games with me, didn't make me wait to punish me for avoiding Him these last 3 weeks, and didn't even make me "press in more" so that I could "prove" that I really wanted Him. He was watching for me and while I was still at a distance away, He saw me coming home and He ran towards me.

You know...I don't have it all together and I know that I so often feel pressure from the world to act like I'm a good Christian who never has any struggles. But in a way, I really thank God that He's made my face and life such an open book that it's so obvious to everyone the minute I'm not doing well because it saves me all that energy of pretending. I really praise God that I don't have to have it all figured out or to even be "strong" (sometimes I hate that word) because I think I'm understanding more and more the longer I walk with Him that I don't need to be anything apart from His. It doesn't matter about my strengths or my weaknesses, it doesn't matter where I fall short, I don't even need to figure out who I am...all that matters is that I know that I am His and everything else will flow out of this place of understanding.

I don't have to feel like a hypocrite when I say I love Him but still get scared. I don't have to feel bad when I say I love Him but I still feel hurt. Loving Him doesn't mean I will never make mistakes or become the "perfect Christian" overnight. But by His grace, I am what I am and though my love is still immature, still weak, He is the One who will turn it into the blazing inferno that I want it to be.

In my weakness, I can choose Him. In my pain, I can choose Him and be wholehearted towards Him. I can choose to be passionate about Him and to live for Him today even though tomorrow might still scare me. He doesn't discount me just because I still have doubts or fears sometimes. He loves me for who I am in this moment right now and not who I will be in the future.

He is my God and no one else can ever take my place in His heart because I am irreplaceable and significant to Him.