Designer: Manikka
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There are always areas of my life that are unsurrendered to God, and just when I'm getting all pleased about the things that I have thrown off, He reveals to me something new. Oh Lord, this one is so painful, because it is not like the other things that were bad for me. This one is good, but Lord, it is not the best thing for me right now. I want to be a useful tool in Your magnificent hands, and so I am committed to removing from my life anything that hinders me from having an undivided heart.

Lord, You have shown me that You cannot use me the way You want to in Singapore as long as my heart is still in Hong Kong. You showed me how my plan to visit Hong Kong in October was not really as innocent as I wanted to think, but it was me trying to cling to and hang on to what I have already moved on from. I wanted to go back to see all my friends, and most of all, to spend time with D, but I know that by doing so, I would prevent myself from really committing to my time in Singapore. I believe it is Your will for me to be in Singapore, and so I can't live my life here going through the motions, living for my next visit back to Hong Kong. I have to let it go. I have to let D go.

I had the choice between going back to Hong Kong for a visit or going on a family holiday, and even though I had planned my trip to Hong Kong first, I know that I came back here to Singapore to be with my family, so even though it hurts so much, I choose to go with my family. Love is a choice, and I choose to love my family by putting them above my desires, because they are important to me and I want them to know that. God, You called me back to Singapore to be a blessing to my family and to serve them, so how could I be so selfish as to choose my own desires above my family? Lord, please bless the time that we spend together as a family. Let it be a time of joy and bonding...give us memories that we'll cherish for a long, long time, and even when those memories fade, let us never forget the love that we have for each other. Your will, Lord, and not mine.

I surrender Hong Kong and my longings to You, Lord. Give me a heart for Singapore, and help me to invest in the people here, and to start thinking of it as my new home. Create in me a pure heart, and renew my spirit within me.

Labels: faith, family, Singapore

Posted by Lily @ 10:30 PM

5 Comments

Or maybe it's the internal changes that makes me view the world differently. All I know is, nothing is the same anymore...nothing fits into my old expectations, and everything more than surpasses the level I could've hoped for. The Lord is healing the parts of me that enable me to receive love and that is making such a difference. Even with people I've only just met, I feel connected and accepted...the old awkwardness is fading away, and my expectation of disappointment and hurt is gone.

I went out with Serene and Xingni tonight to Holland Village and I was just blown away by how easy and comfortable everything was. No one watching us would have been able to tell that I'd only met these girls once last week. I had such an awesome time eating noodles and expensive ice cream, and sitting on swings and laughing. Oh the laughter...we laughed so hard till our bellies ached all night. God is good.

God arranged it so that I would have alone time with each of them tonight, Serene at the beginning of the night, and Xingni right at the end, and both of them individually asked me to share more of my testimony. And so I did. There is no more shame in me in being honest about what I was and where I came from, because I know what the Lord has done in me. The old me is dead, and the new me that is in Christ is the one who is alive today. God did not save me and bless me in so that I can keep it to myself, He redeemed me so that I can testify to the world about His saving grace! And so I will faithfully proclaim to everyone who asks what He has done for me and in me.

There was just such a sense of His presence and peace tonight when I was sharing with both of them. Xingni shared her testimony with me too, and it really touched me, because it showed me that even though I messed up big time, I'm not unique. Even though other people may not have messed up as much as me, we're all the same. Without God, none of us have a purpose, a reason for living...everyone's empty inside, even if they won't admit it to the world, and without God, none of us have a hope of experiencing true joy and peace. I used to believe that other people had it all together. But the more I listen to other people's testimonies, the more I realise that people all wear masks, and that it's only when we're so broken inside that God can come with His awesome power and take over from the miserable job that we're doing in our lives.

Labels: faith, friendship, life, Singapore

Posted by Lily @ 12:37 AM

1 Comments

God is never content to leave us where we are, but He is committed to seeing us grow deeper and stronger. Back in the day when I wrote this post, I couldn't see past what was in front of me, but God could see the bigger picture. He knew that the day would come when I no longer felt stuck in-between the Christian and non-Christian world, but that I would have both feet firmly in His kingdom.

I won't deny that I still struggle with certain issues, but the day has come where I am no longer controlled by them. Where I once was helpless, I now have a choice. I thought the day would never come when I was no longer plagued by an unrestrained need to destroy myself, but that day has come, and though I hurt right now, God is my refuge, and not alcohol, cigarettes or relationships.

In this post from December 2006, I quoted a line from an article that says, "I’m not Christian enough for my Christian friends, and too Christian for all the people who have ever meant anything to me" because it described exactly how I felt. I remember how lost and torn I felt and continued to feel until about July this year. I'm so pleased to testify that God is faithful and I now know without a doubt where I belong, and that it is with my brothers and sisters in Christ that I feel most at home. I have picked a side and stuck to it, and the constant war and battle is gone, because where there used to be lots of grey, there is now only black and white. How much easier is life when you can see God's way or the world's way, and you know immediately which way you're going to pick?

Labels: lessons

Posted by Lily @ 1:14 AM

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"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." - Matthew 6:21

I'm finding it hard to keep my eyes focused on Him right now. I want to recount and rejoice over all the blessings that He has given me this last week, but my heart is aching so much right now from missing my friends in Hong Kong. I miss the familiarity, the knowledge that I can break this silence by picking up the phone and calling someone. I don't know why I'm feeling so down when God is doing such amazing things around me, but I will sit here and wait on God.

I guess it's only natural to mourn, but I need to stop looking to the left and right, and look straight ahead at the glory of God. He says that those who put their hope in Him will never be put to shame, and even though my emotions are telling me that I'm going to hurt like this forever, I will put my trust in my Lord because I know that He is good. He is already providing and doing new things in my life to help me settle in, I just need to be patient, perservere and remain strong in Him.

Oh Lord, my treasure is seeking You and serving You, and that's why I'm in Singapore, so please let my heart and emotions catch up soon. I feel like I'm physically in Singapore but my heart is in Hong Kong...please fly it over to my new home. Please surround me with Your love...Father, let me surrender and drown in Your love, losing all of myself until there is only You everywhere I look.

Let me not turn to anyone else and depend on them to comfort me and reassure me, because I know that the only one that can do that is You, Lord. I've tried to turn to people, and activities, and things to numb out pain, but if there's anything I've learnt is that they do not satisfy for long. Only You do. So please, Lord, take my hand and bring me out of this misery. I cling to You because You are more than enough for me.

Labels: faith, life, Singapore

Posted by Lily @ 12:33 AM

0 Comments

Ever since I set foot in Singapore, God has proven Himself to be more than enough. I arrived here on Wednesday night last week, and it hasn't even been a week yet, but already He has lined up everything that I need to settle in here, and I know that He will continue to provide and bless me just because I am His dearly loved child! How awesome is that?

In the space of 5 days, He has provided me with a job, friends and church! I am in awe of His power. My aunt is planning to set up a child-care centre from scratch, and I will be working for her and helping her with all the promo, admin and recruiting work. Until all the official government approval stuff is worked out though, I will be researching and doing adminstrative work for her at the office starting on Sept 10. Exciting stuff! What a great opportunity.

Anyway, I had been praying a lot for God to lead me to the right church and to give me the friends that I need in order to feel settled in. My pastor and several friends in Hong Kong were praying for me too, so on Saturday night when I went for the evening service at Hope Church, my nervousness went away because I knew that God had my back. I went up to the usher and introduced myself, and she introduced me to her leader, who's this really awesome girl named Xingni. She really looked after me and I ended up having dinner and dessert plans with her and a whole bunch of other girls after the service.

What was even more awesome was that she arranged for me to meet with one of her friends the next day because I mentioned that I was going to go to the Sunday service too and she wasn't going to be there. So, in the end, God provided me with yet another opportunity to meet new people when that friend of hers asked me to meet up for breakfast before the service. I had lunch with her and the people in her small group after the service, and before I knew it, I had joined their small group AND had plans for the following Friday and Saturday night. Isn't God so faithful to provide for us everything that we need and ask for?

He even gave me the privilege of sharing part of my testimony with the group, and hearing their testimonies. I love how there are so many people at the church that I haven't met yet, but we are all connected already because we are all one in Christ! God knows how important it is to me to have brothers and sisters to share life with, and He is drawing really cool people into my life. Lord, You are so good!

I can't wait to come back on here later on this week and continue to testify about how wonderful God is to me.

Labels: life, Singapore

Posted by Lily @ 10:43 PM

0 Comments

Thank you, Howtome, Brigette, Staceyhoff & Judith for your lovely comments. The encouragement was much appreciated. A lot has happened since my last post, but one thing that has remained constant is God's faithfulness to me. I praise God that He really has blessed me so much ever since C and I broke up, and I can honestly say that the decision I made to break up was one of the best decisions I made this year. God has carried me through the storm, and now I am enjoying the rainbow.

I'm moving back to Singapore today after making Hong Kong my home for the last 7 years. It's painful, so so painful, to be leaving all my friends behind, but underlying all this sadness is a quiet peace from knowing that my God is bigger than all this and that He will be with me every step of the way. For a while, I was tempted to fall into the trap of self-pity and grieve that I'll 'never be able to find friends in Singapore like the ones I have here', but I know now that God will be faithful to provide for me everything that I need in Singapore - every emotional, physical, mental and spiritual need. He will not leave me in a state of disarray. He has been so faithful in the little things that I know I can trust Him, and that He will help me to trust Him in the bigger things...after all, what are bigger things except lots of little things put together?

I have been so surrounded by love and God's people here, and I've grown so much over the last year, and now I am finally ready to go back to Singapore to be with my family and be a light to them. I try not to think about how 'dry' it's going to be in Singapore, as the only Christian in my whole family and without a church (yet! but God will lead me!) but He is helping me to keep my eyes focused on Him, and not look to the right or the left but to look to the Cross for my hope.

God is doing an amazing work in my Dad right now...I can feel my Dad coming closer and closer to the truth. God is really opening his eyes and his heart and it's so amazing to be witnessing this! Last night, when I was sharing with my Dad more about what God is doing in my life, he told me that he's so touched by watching God working in my life, and that he has goosebumps just thinking about it. He can see God's power and love in my life, and he thanked me for helping him to understand my relationship with my Heavenly Father. Oh Lord, I pray that You will continue to touch my Dad and soften his heart. Tear down all rational arguments and strongholds that prevent him from knowing the truth about You.

Labels: faith, family, friendship, life

Posted by Lily @ 12:49 PM

0 Comments

C and I broke up last night. It hurts bad, I won't deny that, but there is a quiet peace dwelling inside me that wasn't there the whole period of time we were together.

I'm glad that he and I decided to remain friends, and I pray that it works out, but for now, my main focus is in growing in God and allowing Him to change me. A boyfriend just complicates everything. I am blessed with this season of singleness and I want to make every second count. Instead of focusing on meeting the 'right' guy, I want to focus on seeking after God and allowing Him to mould me into the 'right' person, because when He does bring my future husband into my life, I want it to be about how much I can bless him and love him, rather than how much he can meet my need for love and companionship.

Lord, I pray for Your healing balm of love to shower down on C and me, and I ask for the grace to trust and have faith in You to mend our broken hearts. Give us wisdom and discernment to stay away from the things that displease and dishonour You, and may we do that which is pleasing and right in Your eyes. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Labels: faith, relationships

Posted by Lily @ 2:22 PM

4 Comments

I can only describe the last few months as a major distraction to my walk with God.

If any of my fellow bloggers are reading this, then please forgive me for being absent not only from my own blog, but from commenting and reading your blogs. I'm back now, though, and I will endeavor to remain more connected.

Is there anything that separates us so completely from God like sin? Because, if I had to sum up in one word why God felt so distant the last few months, then it would have to be sin. It doesn't even have to be 'big' sin, but something seemingly innocent like a relationship or even dependence on anything else other than God.

For me? It all began when I stopped trusting Christ in me, and listening to others. I listened to their logical and philosophical arguments and swayed by their persuasions, turned one way when that quiet, still voice in me told me to turn another. As I stepped out of obedience to God, I started taking things into my own hands, because I knew that God was displeased with me. That's when it was so easy to slide downhill into sin.

Now, to the world, what I had been involved in would seem to be normal, common and acceptable. A night out at a club with friends, skipping church to sleep in, staying over at a boyfriend's house...it all seems so innocent. But it isn't. And deep down, I knew it was not how I should be walking. It's not because I want to have some holier than thou attitude, but because I don't want to profess my faith, and live out something different.

It was such a huge wake up call when I was out at a club with a friend recently, and I mentioned to him that all my friends were at church participating in an all-night prayer session. He asked me if I believed in God, and I said 'yes', and then he said something that I will never forget. He, a non-Christian looked at me and said, 'No, you don't. If you really did, you would be at church with your friends, and not out here drinking.' Wow, it felt like someone had thrown a huge bucket of ice water over me.

Something just clicked, and as much as I hated the truth in what he said, it was what I needed to evaluate my life. Yes, I have fun when I went out clubbing with friends. Yes, I have an awesome time staying over at my boyfriend's house playing video games and lying in each other's arms. But above all, I love God. As much as I like/love my boyfriend, he will never be what God is to me. It's not that he's a bad guy or anything, it's that when I'm with him, God takes a backseat. God isn't even second place, He's last place, and that makes my life so grey and dreary.

These last few months have been so draining because every single second of the day, I had to distract myself from the truth that I had turned my back on God. I don't know if I'm making any sense right now, it's hard to put into words what's been going on the last few months, but the main point that I went to get across is that, yes, I was happy, but without God, I was not joyful. Nothing makes sense without God. The world has some great and wonderful things, but that is nothing compared to the wonder of knowing God. I tasted of His goodness before, and the world can never satisfy me for long, because there's always this pull, this longing for something more.

Thank God for His grace that enabled me to come back to Him last night, not in guilt and condemnation, but in humility and repentance. Thank God for His mercy, that He showered me in peace and a quiet joy as soon as I confessed my weaknesses and shortcomings.

Even if no one understands me, I pray for His grace to keep my eyes focused on Him to carry out His will.

Labels: faith, lessons, life

Posted by Lily @ 9:30 PM

1 Comments

I pity Satan.

Yes, really, I do. He thinks that he's destroying me, by knocking me down time and time again, but he doesn't realise that my Father is infinitely stronger. He uses what Satan uses to steal from me to refine me, strengthen me in Him and teach me to go deeper.

"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger". Yes, that is true. But only if we submit to God and hand the pain over. If not, we become bitter, hardened, less human. Only God can use the bad in our lives to glorify Himself and transform us into His likeness.

The pain and suffering gets to me, but I am thankful that God is carrying me through this and growing my character.

Labels: faith, recovery

Posted by Lily @ 8:03 PM

8 Comments

I took a walk down the beach tonight. There's something comforting about sitting on the sand in darkness, hearing the sound of the waves, staring at the lights in the distance and feeling the wind caressing you when you're feeling lonely and in pain. I was able to pour out my heart to God and ask Him where He is in all this pain, and tell Him how angry I am at Him for all the events in my life that have broken me and nearly killed me, without feeling scared that He's going to strike me down with a lightning bolt.

Deep down I know that He was with me the whole time and that He has a purpose and plan, but it felt good to finally be able to admit not just to Him, but to myself about how bitter I am about my past. Since I was little, the world has trained me to bury my anger because 'feeling anger is unacceptable' and it has resulted in depression and self-rejection. I'm realising now that until I acknowledge this part of me and bring it to God, He can't cleanse me and heal me.

Labels: faith, life, recovery

Posted by Lily @ 11:55 PM

1 Comments

Check out this awesome blog: Critique My Blog. You submit your blog url and a real life person reads your blog and critiques it. How cool...I submitted it last night, and by this morning, I had already received my critique!

"Lily's story of jumping over barriers and overcoming her alcohol addiction is an inspiring one. For those of you who may have or have been affected my alcoholism you can attest to the intense grip it has over you, even if you want to stop. Her blog chronicles this story along with other sprinklings of ideas and thoughts along the way. As for the blog itself I thought the layout, while cool looking, was a little narrow making the blog seem long in length. I didn't notice any kind of a site meter to see who is visiting your blog which you may want to add just to satisfy your own curiosity...other than that I think the blog is wonderful and just keep taking things one day at a time."

Thanks, Mr. CMB! I will definitely keep in mind the layout next time I change it.

Labels: fun

Posted by Lily @ 12:39 PM

3 Comments

Yesterday, I had a picnic with this girl that I met last week at church. I'd only met her once before, but God really blessed the time we spent together, and opened our hearts to each other and enabled us to connect on a much deeper level. We sat on the grass eating our sandwiches and cup noodles and started chatting about life, and before we knew it, we had talked for 4 and half hours! It was unreal. It's only with another sister in Christ that I could just feel so comfortable and share my struggles and my past. It was wonderful just listening to how God has blessed her and moved in her life, and it was such a blessing to be able to testify about God's power to her because it reminded me of how good He has been to me.

The best part of the day though, was when I was telling her about my past and my struggles with alcohol and just how bad I was before, and she said, 'Wow...it's not that I don't believe you, it's just that God has changed you so much that I just can't connect who you are now with who you say you were.' Isn't that such a testimony of God's grace? A new person who never knew me before only sees who I am in Jesus now because He has transformed me so much!

He is the God of second chances. The God of new beginnings. He is a God of mercy and kindness, and He has poured out His blessings on my life, and He wants to do the same for you. Even if you have never sunk as low as I have, He wants to give you a life where everyday is an adventure with Him. He wants to give you an unshakeable peace that does not depend on your outside circumstances.

He has already paid the price, and His hands are stretched out to you with the gift of salvation. The question is, will you receive Him and allow Him to show you just how amazing life is when you're walking with Him? Trust me, it will blow your mind because the life He wants to give you is more wonderful than you could EVER imagine.

Labels: faith, friendship, recovery

Posted by Lily @ 12:30 AM

2 Comments

My cat Kim died last week Saturday. I wish I had a photo of him to put up here but I don't. I'm sure there's one somewhere but I need to look for it. Anyways, he was with my family for 10 years - 2 different countries and 6 different homes. He was a well-travelled and well-loved cat. He didn't eat fish or drink milk, and boy, did he love water! A few days before he passed away, I was putting on my contact lenses after showering, and as I turned to walk out the bathroom, I saw him playing in the bathtub!

It took me a few days before I felt any grief, and surprisingly, I wasn't so much broken over his death, than seeing his brother Bim (yes, we purposely gave them rhyming names) who's our other cat being left behind. See, Bim has been with Kim for 10 years too, and he's always been a restless and angry cat, but Kim always calmed him down and kept him company. This last week, he's been following everyone around the house and during the nights, he sits outside my door and cries. It breaks my heart and I found myself sobbing at 5 in the morning over him.

I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I would be so upset over a cat, so I asked God to show me why, and what He showed me blew me away. See, I saw myself in Bim. Seeing him pining over Kim and desperating trying to make himself feel better by throwing himself at me and my family reminded me of all the long dark hours I spent crying over people leaving me. It seems that everytime I got close to someone, they'd end up leaving and I'd be left behind, trying to grasp at anything to take the pain away.

Praise God that is all in the past though. He revealed to me that people will always end up leaving at some point in life, either through breakups, moving away or even death, and so I can't place my dependence wholeheartedly on them. I can't use relationships to fill the emptiness inside. God is the only one who will always be there, and He will never leave or forsake me. First, I need to empty myself of everything so that He can pour out His love into me. It's only when I am dwelling in His perfect love, that I am capable of loving people without expecting them to meet my all needs.

Of course it will still hurt when people leave, but I must make sure that I am getting my needs met by God and not demanding them from others.

I miss you, Kim. Hope you're enjoying all the baths and wonderful food in Cat Heaven ;)

Labels: faith, lessons, relationships

Posted by Lily @ 1:42 AM

3 Comments

Labels: love, thursday thirteen

Posted by Lily @ 11:19 PM

18 Comments

I was thinking tonight that maybe I was beyond redemption. Maybe I've just been so broken and shattered by the world that there's no hope for piecing together my heart because it has been stomped on so much and ground into a powder that no glue can make whole. I've forsaken all the good things and people in exchange for that which will take me straight to the hell that God brought me out of last year.

Then I heard Peter Orasuk's testimony on how God saved him from dying as a drug addict and spending eternity in hell. As I listened to it while lying in my bed, I did everything I could, surf other websites, fix my nails, whatever I could to deny the truth of what he was saying. But I couldn't. To carry on wallowing in my guilt and shame away from God, instead of reaching out to Him for forgiveness would be denying the power of Jesus's blood. I really believed that God could not and would not want to love someone like me. But could I really be that arrogant as to believe that Jesus's blood could not save me? No, I can't. And if He can save Peter Orasuk, then He can save me too.

I keep waiting to hit rock bottom because I believed that it was the only way that any lasting change would happen. But each time I fall, my definition of 'rock bottom' sinks lower, and I am so scared of how low it could go. Do I really have to lose everything before I am broken enough to be different? I am so tired, so so tired of fighting this battle. This constant war. I've been trying to get sober for 4 years now, and for the last 2, I've had Jesus on my side...so why am I still not different? Why must I be so stubborn and cling to all the things that are so bad for me?

God, I've reached the end of what I can do. I am so weary, so exhausted, You have to take over. No one understands. No one is filling this emptiness inside me. Alcohol feeds the emptiness inside me for a while, but when I sober up, the emptiness multiplies. Jesus, teach me to find joy in You. I thought that I was becoming a different person over the last month...but after this weekend, I feel like I'm still the same old me. What's the use in trying when I just end up disappointing everyone around me?

I believe You will save me, God. I guess I just have to start believing that You aren't just 'going' to save me, but that You already have, and are saving me right now at this very moment. Be with me in this dark, endless night, my Father, and give me the courage to stare at my sin straight in its evil eyes and watch it get washed away.

Labels: alcohol, faith, recovery

Posted by Lily @ 1:47 AM

7 Comments

"He who covers over an offense promotes love,
but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends." - Proverbs 17:9

My brother left to go back to boarding school this morning. The house is so silent and empty now...I'd gotten used to having his noisy self around again for the last 2 months. I feel so sad, not just because he's gone, but because he left with some unresolved issues between us.

See, a few days ago I discovered something that my brother had been doing that was wrong and that was too big a thing for me to just overlook. Normally, in the little things, he and I have this brother/sister code where we didn't rat each other out to our parents and normally I stuck to it, because I knew that the things that he was doing would not affect his wellbeing in the long term. This thing was different though, so I went and spoke to my mum about it.

And of course, my mum spoke to my dad about it.

And he in turn, spoke to my brother about it.

Which led to my brother barely speaking to me, apart from the most necessary words, like 'When is so-and-so coming?' before he left.

My heart is grieving over it. What seemed like a right decision at the time, I'm now questioning like crazy. I should've spoken to my brother about it in private first, and spared him the shame of the talk he had with my dad and mum. Whether or not I had gone to my parents after, it makes no difference, because I should have gone to him first. That is what I always say that I would like people to do to me, and yet, I didn't do it, just because I felt too uncomfortable to question him.

I can only pray that I haven't broken in his trust, and that he doesn't push me away for the next few years because of this. I know that when I was at his age, I certainly would have. I hope he's a better person than I was.

Labels: family, lessons

Posted by Lily @ 12:28 AM

3 Comments

Yesterday during my counselling session, Jimmy explained to me my history and it was so awesome. It brought such relief to me because I've always felt such guilt over being born when my mum was still so young. I always felt like a burden to my parents, and in some ways, I thought that I was a mistake. Anyways, after Jimmy showed me the following passages, I realised that I have no guilt, that God ordained that time for me to be conceived and He planned my whole life according to His perfect timing.

He had a purpose for me in being born at that time, and my parents really do love me, so I am NOT a mistake.

"Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure." - Ephesians 1:4-5

“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.” - Jeremiah 1:5

"How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!" - Psalms 139:17-18

"Yes, you have been with me from birth; from my mother’s womb you have cared for me. No wonder I am always praising you! My life is an example to many, because you have been my strength and protection." - Psalms 71:6-7

"Yet you brought me safely from my mother’s womb and led me to trust you at my mother’s breast. I was thrust into your arms at my birth. You have been my God from the moment I was born." - Psalms 22:9-10

Labels: faith, recovery

Posted by Lily @ 4:18 PM

5 Comments

Growing up in a non-Christian home and environment, I never believed in God or that I needed a Saviour. My whole life though, I always felt that there was something missing and that I wasn't complete. I spent a good 18 years of my life trying to fill that emptiness but because I didn't know Jesus, I tried to satisfy that ache within me with worldly things, and though they brought comfort, it was only ever temporary. By the time I turned 18, I was very lost, depressed and abusing substances. I knew I wanted out of the life that I was leading, but I honestly could not see or even perceive how it was possible. I saw many counsellors and psychiatrists, went to group meetings, made millions of vows, but I was still trapped, and slowly I was becoming more and more suicidal. At the time, I was so deceived and depressed that I saw death as the only solution to having peace.

However, when I had given up hope of ever recovering, God began drawing me towards Him and on Christmas Day of 2003, I was forced to attend a Christmas service at church with my ex-boyfriend and his family. Soon after, he left the country, but something about that service had touched my heart and made me so curious about who this God person was. I didn't understand why I had been moved to tears during the worship part of the service, and so I started attending church by myself to find out why. I decided that I would see if God was real, because I knew that if He was real, He was powerful enough to save me, and if He wasn't, I was ready to end my life as I didn't want to live a life that was controlled by drugs. I thank God that He is real and that He is so full of love because here I am, still alive today.

I was saved on the 21st of May of 2004, a little over 5 months of attending church. During those 5 months, I neglected all my studies and spent hours on the internet, reading all the material I could get on God and Christianity. I spent tremendous amounts of money on purchasing Christian books and music to learn all that I could. I was hungry and thirsting after God and desperate to know that everything about Him. Night times were spent reading the Bible, and though at the time I didn't understand a lot of it, I still read it, searching for clues, while slowly without even realising it, His Word started transforming me and my heart.

One morning I came home after a night out, full of despair and sadness, and picked up a book that had arrived for me in the mail. The book talked about the beauty of having a relationship with God, and although I had read about this for the last 5 months on the internet and in other books, suddenly something clicked in me and I went from a tentative belief to a firm belief that God was real and that He indeed loves me. I think somewhere in those 5 months I had started to believe in God, but I understood the cost and sacrifices that I would have to make if I followed Him for real, and it wasn't until that day that I was broken enough to make that decision. Once I understood that God really loved me, it became the most natural decision to ask Him into my life and to be Lord over everything. I remember that as I said the prayer, the song 'Open The Eyes Of My Heart, Lord' was playing in the background, and the most transcendent peace came over me, and I spent the rest of the day crying and praying and praising God. Since that day, God has healed me of abusing drugs and I have never had a craving for them again.

The Sunday after my conversion, I found an amazing Baptist church where I started to learn a lot about God and what He did for me and on the 25th of September, I was baptized at Deep Water Bay in Hong Kong. However, because there was no one at my church who was close to my age, I grew very slowly in my faith as I was standing alone. Since no one actually led me in the Sinner's Prayer, I didn't have anyone to turn to for answers to my questions or to invite me to hang out. So in 2005 when I left to Australia to go to college, my faith was very weak and I started to drift away from God.

During college, I turned to alcohol to numb the guilt and shame that I felt for failing to become the person that I wanted to be, and this problem quickly escalated into something serious. In 2006, God called me back to Him, assuring me that He had forgiven me and that in His eyes I am without blemish because of what Jesus has done for me. He called me to a new life in Him and told me of how He wanted to transform me into the person He had originally created me to be. I knew my life had become everything that I hated, and I was so angry and depressed that I wasn't living a life that witnessed to others the grace that God had bestowed on me. I made the decision to call my parents and tell them that I needed help and that I wanted to come home.

My parents stood by me and allowed me to drop out of college so that I might seek help and transform my life. Looking back now, dropping out of college to get help and seek God was the second best decision I ever made in my life, the first being accepting God, of course. I thank God so much for giving me my parents because without them, things would have been so different. They brought me back to Hong Kong, broken with completely nothing left to lose, and I began treatment with a specialist psychologist.

God met with me and began the process of healing me of the hurts and pains that were the driving force of my addiction. I learnt to depend whole-heartedly on God and not on my own willpower, and through this, He began to transform me and my behaviour. He showed me how weak I was, and how without Him, I can do nothing, but because He lives in me, His strength will be my strength. He taught me that I already have victory in Him and because of the cleansing blood of Jesus, I don't have to drink anymore, but I can turn to Him and trust that He will meet all my needs.

I discovered the Vine Church in June 2006, and that has been such a big influence in my life. I prayed to God for godly friends, because I knew that as a Christian, God has not called me to stand alone, but to stand with others and fight against the enemy. The people I met there were just so on fire for God and as I started to form friendships, God continued to transform me more and more.

Today, I am so different from the person I was a year ago that even my new Christian friends who didn't know me when I wasn't a Christian, remark on it. God has been so faithful and stood by me every single step of the way and His love surrounds me everyday. I accepted God into my life in 2004, but it wasn't until 2006 that I was able to give my life completely to Him. God has given me a new life and a second chance, and though I am so different now, I know that His work will not be complete this side of heaven, but that this process of transformation will carry on until the day I die. I love Him more than life because I know that apart from Him, I have nothing, for everything in this world including those I love will one day pass away and only He is eternal and trustworthy. I want to live my life for Him and with Him because I now know that a life without Him is not a life worth living. I thank Him that He never gave up on me, and though He knew all the mistakes I would and will make, He still gave His Son Jesus to die for me and bring me back to Him. He is my joy and my salvation and I will serve Him and worship Him from now until forever.

Labels: faith

Posted by Lily @ 1:45 AM

3 Comments

There is this cold iciness that's gripping my heart and creeping along my stomach. The guilt, the shame, the horror eating away at me as it usually does when the numbness starts to thaw a few days after a fall. In a world full of colour, my world is surprisingly black and grey right now. Even lights seem darker and sounds seem further away.

My friend is trying to find ways to stop feeling so crushed after things fell apart with the guy she just met, but I can see the futility of her thinking and plans. I can only see this because I have done all the things that she's planning to do, and I know that they bring only death and not life or joy. Everything has no meaning and nothing will take away the hurt apart from God. I find myself so easily persuaded by our little conversations and I know that in our friendship, we are nothing but a bad influence on each other. I wish that I had been a better friend and a better influence on her...even though I'm a fairly new Christian just like her, I should've known better than to have taken our socialising into bars and clubs.

I am so weak. I listened before when people told me to start trusting in myself more and to be more strong, but honestly, the only time I stood firm in the face of temptation was when I was depending wholeheartedly on God and not putting an ounce of faith in myself. HE is my hope. HE is my salvation. Without Him, I would just keeping falling and falling. Would it be strong to distance myself from my friend because I know we're a bad influence on each other? I don't think she would understand and I'm pretty sure she'd say I'm being 'one of those Christians' so it scares me, but I want this year to be different. I want permanent long-lasting change.

Labels: friendship

Posted by Lily @ 8:05 PM

3 Comments

The explanation for my behaviour is elusive. All I know is that the battle over alcohol yesterday, I have lost. And what I have lost is not just the battle, but my parents trust and probably one of the best friends I've ever had. And for what? To ring in the new year with a random guy to forget about my ex and convince myself I'm not alone. The thing is, I was never alone...I have so many friends and family who love me, but if I keep going this way, then I really will end up alone.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry.

Labels: alcohol

Posted by Lily @ 11:22 PM

2 Comments