Ever since I started the 40 day fast asking God to refine me and burn me of everything that is not of Him, teach me to lay down my rights and also to heal me of my insecurities and hurts, nothing has gone the way it's supposed to.

Everything that I have deeply cared about, from possessions to sleep, change of plans to relationships, one by one, everything that I loved has been subject to His fire. Tonight was the biggest blow so far...the one thing that I feared so much actually happened but somehow through it all, His grace is with me and I feel peace.

My fast really isn't in vain...He is honouring His side of the deal and bringing me deeper and deeper in vulnerability and dependence upon Him. I have no security, no one to turn to, and because of this, I am starting to know more and more that I really have nothing apart from Him.

I've been praying lately that He would heal me of my insecurities.

Tonight He told me, "The way to be healed of your insecurities is to walk through them with Me."

So out of His grace, He has placed me in the exact situations that I thought I could never handle, so that I would know deep down in my heart the confidence that I have in Him. I came home tonight so sad, laid on my bed and cried and poured out my heart to Him and by the end of the hour, I was actually laughing at the jokes He was making. Yes, God makes jokes :) He actually has a really awesome sense of humour.

I had a few thoughts fly into my head saying, 'Why don't you go drink? Why don't you visit your friends who're out tonight?' but I quickly squashed them and not once did I ever entertain that possibility. Neither did I call anyone or watch mindless movies (my common distraction techniques), but I told God that I would go to Him first, not because I expect His comfort (sometimes instead of consolation He gives us grace to simply endure) but because I wanted to honour Him as Number One in my life and let Him choose how He would respond.

I really praise God for this painful situation that tested my love for Him because I always feared that I would fall back into drinking if something bad happened. But tonight, I passed and that love has grown stronger. I just need to remember that it is in my weakness that His strength is made perfect, so I cannot rely on myself but place full dependence upon Him to deliver me.

I told Him that I would continue to surrender to His refining, knowing that it hurts Him to see me hurt but that it is necessary to pay that price if I truly want to be His bride who reflects His glory and beauty. I told Him that I wanted to continue walking through the fire with Him and that I would not back down from this period of intense dying to self.

And then I told Him, "I will submit to You, but You and I both know that man, I will be glad when these 40 days of fasting is over!" And suddenly I found myself laughing hysterically and then I knew, this is what it means 'The joy of the Lord is your strength'. Afterwards, I felt so renewed and strengthened and ready to face these ongoing challenges.

Thank You, Lord, that even though You refine me, You are so gentle. You prepared me for today's disappointment not only yesterday and today, but in March! I pulled out my journal just now and read the exact words You spoke to me about this situation during March, and now it's come to pass. Deeper, Lord, take me deeper.