I am so touched by the comments that I've been receiving lately. Thank you, Eunice & Sharon for encouraging me so much and leaving me comments so that I would know that people actually read this little blog of mine :D


For the last two weeks, my emotions have been all over the place and I finally hit the bottom last Thursday. It was especially bad, and I don't know how it happened but by about midnight, I was convinced that God didn't really love me and it was a little weird but I actually couldn't even recall or remember all the ways that God had shown me His love in the past.

Anyways, I guess I reacted out of a place of hurt, anger and confusion...even though the "adult" me was trying to pull it all together, the little kid inside of me was just feeling so emotional that I ended up trying to "test" God's love for me by deliberately placing myself in a dangerous position. The whole time I was "daring" God to prove His love to me by rescuing me (yes, yes, I know, it wasn't the most mature thing to do, but that was where I was at the time and I'm just being honest about it) but He didn't seem to be reacting. He wasn't stopping me at all or rescuing me from the dangerous position I put myself in, and as time slowly crept by, I got more and more scared because I didn't know why He wasn't acting.

But, just when I gave up all hope of Him rescuing me, suddenly He started moving. First, He sent a good friend of mine to me, and that friend walked with me all around my neighbourhood while I raved and ranted all my frustration, anger and pain...he didn't have any answers for me, and to be honest, I don't really remember much of what he said, but I remember him being there next to me, and I remember feeling love that was coming not just from him, but from Jesus inside him too. Even in my pain and ugliness, I really did feel so accepted for who I am and not what I do. It was just so nice to have someone walk beside me and just be there because I've never really experienced that many times in my life.

We ended up walking and walking, and I just kept banging on about how I was so hurt and confused. I had so many questions, like 'why had I been broken so many times in my life', and 'why hadn't God intervened?' We walked through the city to the harbour where the sea was lit up by tiny lights on boats, and then from the harbour to the park. We just kept walking, and the more we walked, the more I felt God's presence wrapping around me, and at first I refused to acknowledge Him because what I wanted was not that He would comfort me but that He would change my circumstances. But slowly He kept embracing me, and by the time we walked onto the middle of an empty basketball court, I was too tired to fight against Him anymore.

We sat down and I was too tired to even sit up so I just flopped backwards and laid down, and it was just crazy because the sky was filled with so many stars. For those of you who don't live in Hong Kong, you probably don't understand the significance of this but where I live is right in the middle of the city so there are too many lights and too much POLLUTION to even see ONE star on most nights. There were so many stars that night though, and just when I thought the night was about as good as it could get, my friend and I suddenly saw a shooting star fly through the sky.

It was incredible. It was the first shooting star I'd ever seen, and not only that but, out of all the places I could have seen my first, I saw it in a place where you NEVER see any stars let alone shooting stars! I didn't realise the significance of seeing that shooting star until the next morning but when I realised it, I was so moved that I couldn't stop crying.

See, last year in Nepal, I prayed and asked God to let me see one shooting star so that I would know that He loves me, but He didn't. At the time, I really struggled a lot with this because I didn't understand why He wouldn't just show me one, and so this time when I saw the shooting star, it was as if God was saying, "I saved this shooting star for now because this was when you needed it the most. This shooting star is a symbol of how much I love you - that I would move the heavens and the earth to show you a visible sign that My heart is for you and that I will never leave you. I will not only protect you and keep you safe because I am your Father, but I will always go above and beyond what is required to woo and captivate your heart."

You know, I would have gone home and praised God just for sending my good friend to be with me and for protecting me that night, but He went ABOVE AND BEYOND what was His 'duty' and sent me an actual shooting star to tell me that He does love me. Even though I had to repent for how I had tried to test His love and for hurting Him, I really learnt that night that my God is a pursuing and relentless God.

I guess I still sometimes have issues with performance where I feel like He is only pleased with me when I respond to things in the 'right and mature way' all the time. Sometimes I still struggle with trying to 'earn' His love even though I know that nothing I do will ever be enough. I get scared sometimes that if I stop clinging to Him, He'll just let me go and I'll fall from His hand, but that night just showed me so clearly that even when I don't choose Him, even when I am acting like an immature, stupid kid, He will NEVER EVER let me go simply because I am His and He loves me. I don't have to put any pressure on myself to do this or do that, but I can just BE and rest in the assurance that my Father loves me and thinks I'm awesome.

This is an extravagent love that I just don't understand, but all I know is that when I encountered it, I know that nothing will ever satisfy me again except to have more and more of His love. I want to know how high, how deep, and how wide His love is for me. I don't want to just know it, but I want to experience it until the revelation becomes part of me and hidden in my heart. I was created for love and man, oh man, I praise my God that He is faithful, that He never fails, and that He is so kind, so merciful, so gracious and so full of love that there is nothing I could ever do to separate me from His love.

Because seriously, if everything depended on me...oh man...I would be screwed :)

I'm so excited that I just can't stop praising Him!!! I'm just so delighted that though my heart can be so cold and hard, all it takes is one glimpse of His passion, one glimpse of His delight for me to set my heart ablaze! It's not through using my own strength to praise His name, it's not through 'willing' myself to glorify Him, but when I see just how much He loves me and how much pleasure He takes in me, my heart just starts singing praise and I can't stop worshipping Him!

That's the way it's meant to be...that I would love Him because He first loved me. I know that He's been telling me this for so long now, but I forget so often, and everytime He reminds me of this, I am so delighted again! When He pours out revelations of His love for me, praise just erupts and flows out of me like a gushing river without me even trying!!!

Captivate my heart, Lord! Let me experience a delight and pleasure with You that I will never EVER find in this world or even in any relationship. Ruin me for this world by transforming the very desires of my heart with Your love! I want to desire only You, my King. Break down every idol and reign over every area of my life and heart! Whom is there on heaven or earth like You? You are the fairest of all men to ever walk upon this earth and my heart beats with passion for You.

Oh Lord, just as I delight in being enjoyed, so too do You want me to enjoy You! Teach me to love You more and more and more! Open my heart to receiving more of Your love so that I might give more love and devotion back to You! I love you! I love you! I love you!

Oh man, things are just so super cool at the moment...so I came back from dinner tonight and I was feeling so crummy. I was sitting on my bed staring blankly at my wall, feeling more and more discouraged, more and more weary and wanting to give up, but then a friend of mine Skyped me. The really cool thing was that they didn't really give me any advice or even say all these 'nice' things to encourage me, but they just let me talk and declare what God had been saying to me, and somehow that just started lifting up my heart and by the end of the conversation, I actually felt lighter than I did before.

Anyways, so I was sitting here spending time with God after that chat and I realised that so much of why I've been feeling so frustrated and discouraged lately is because I keep seeing how imperfect I am, and how my heart is not what I want it to be. I've been placing all these expectations on myself that I couldn't meet...I just kept failing and failing and I was getting more and more frustrated because I wanted to see myself changed and transformed NOW. The more I failed, the more I felt like a failure and that I would never be 'good enough'.

The Lord really reminded me tonight that all this is a process and that even in the process, He is delighting in me and loving me! He just wants me to keep my eyes on His glory and not on how far I fall short because He desires for me to enjoy the process of being transformed into His likeness. It was so cool because as soon as He said all that, I felt all my discouragement leave and I actually started feeling His delight and pleasure in me! I just know now that even in my immaturity and struggles, my Father still thinks the world of me! He doesn't need to change me at all to enjoy me, but He enjoys me in my imperfection even as He is transforming from glory to glory as I behold His beauty!!!

Forget about trying to "measure myself" by how well I am living up to these "rules" that I've made for myself...He never wanted me to live out of fear but out of grace and love. He is so kind, so gentle, and I don't have to live in fear of breaking His commandments, because His law is written upon my heart and He is faithful to help me to live according to His word and cause me to draw near to Him. I cannot do anything in my own strength, and He does not make impossible demands but He helps me in everything He asks me to do :D I can't do ANYTHING to change this heart of mine, and though it is one deceitful heart, it is also Jesus' heart because I have given it to Him, and because of that, His Spirit will cause it to be pure and holy. All I'm supposed to do is confess and repent whenever He convicts me...I don't have to go "sin-hunting" and try and slay myself! Not by might and not by power but by His Spirit!!!

I'm sick of spending time with Jesus so that I have awesome revelations to share...lately I haven't felt like sharing much, and I felt like such a failure as a Christian because I wasn't "impacting" people by sharing. I just want to be drawn into intimacy for MEEEEEEEEE alone! I need love! He died to free me from even trying to live for "good things" because the only thing He wants me to live for is Him, and He is so merciful to declare over me again and again, "My child, you are not a failure even if you fail, because in My eyes, you are My little champion :D" (yes, I'm pretty sure God uses emoticons when He talks to me sometimes!).

Yay! No demands...no expectations...no rules to live by...just the joy and glory of beholding the beauty of my Lord and gazing into His eyes. A life of adoration and devotion where my heart overflows with His love because I am hidden in the secret place with Him :D

I love You, my Lord!

Psalm 131
¹ My heart is not proud, O LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.

² But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.

³ O Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore.

I don't know who you are, but man, you made my day with this comment :) It was such an encouragement to me and I had such a big smile on my face when I read your comment yesterday.

Why is my heart playing the roller-coaster game with me lately? It's like one moment I'm flying high, and then the next moment, I'm feeling completely empty and alone. The more time I spend with people these days, the more I feel 'off' and empty...I just feel so dissatisfied and it's been a long time since I've felt like this.

Walking in this world is not easy, and everywhere I turn, there are all these competiting affections that vie for the attention that I long to lavish upon my King. I know that lately I've been praying that God would set me even more apart and consecrate me to Himself. I know that I've also been praying that He would make my heart fully committed to Him because I have been so distressed to find that my heart is just so prone to wander away from the God that I love. I long so desperately to experience in full the reality of the truth that "better is one day in Your courts than a thousand elsewhere". I know that we often say that, but I know that I don't always live as if I believed that with all my heart.

I want Him to be my Everything...and I know that a big part of this dissatisfaction that I'm feeling is so that I would draw even deeper into intimacy with my Lord. It's His mercy that He would open my eyes and show me how even the best things in this world like friendship and laughter are all nothing compared to Him...I see that in my life, I still rely so much on other people as a source of delight and pleasure and I never realised how much I depended on them until the Lord started challenging me to just steal away for a season and tune out everything and seek His face.

It frustrates me and makes me so angry to see how deceitful my heart is...I LONG to spend more time with Him, but somehow I always find myself hanging out with friends...Even though I want so much more from Jesus than I have now, there's still that fleshly part of me that gets scared that if I truly let go of everyone and everything so that I can have more of Him, that I will wake up one day and realise that I'm all alone :( Most of the time when I hang out with friends, it's because I'm so scared of 'missing out' and really, that's not a good enough reason!!!

It's funny though...I feel so much better now after blogging about it...My emotions are still BLAHHHHHH, but at least my mind is no longer thinking, "You're so insignificant...no one cares about you". Haha, and at least I no longer feel like throwing something at peoples' heads and screaming at them. My mind is clearer now and I know that all this is an opportunity to really show God that I mean it when I pray, "Lord, all I am is Yours". I know that I'm not really leaving people and that I'm not really alone, all that He wants for me in this season is to experience even more deeper intimacy with Him but I can't because right now my life is so busy that I can't seek Him as much as I want to.

I'll be okay, because my God reigns and He is with me!!! He will help me to surrender and embrace Him so that I might consider all things a loss compared with the surpassing greatness of knowing Him. How I long to know You more, Lord! If it means giving up most of my social time so that I can experience more of You, then help me, my Jesus, to do this because I must have more of You. I must, I must, I must...there is a hunger inside of me that drives me to desperation and unless I have more of You, I will be trying to fill a void with worldly things that will never fill a Jesus-shaped vacuum.

"I said to the LORD, 'You are my Lord; apart from You I have no good thing.'" - Psalm 16:2

Oh my precious Jesus, may I know the sweetness of a life that is completely devoted to You...may I be moulded into an extravagent lovesick worshipper. May I know the joy of a life that is lived out of a heart that is one with Yours, where every step I take is walked in the deepest communion and intimacy with You. Take me deeper, no matter what the cost. Even if it hurts or sucks at first...I want to fly higher and higher with You, even if it means giving up everything I have...make me someone who doesn't even have to count the cost because I am so desperately in love with You. Help me to love You more!!! I want to love You more and more each day, my Lord!

Tonight I was at the "Book of Joel" conference, and it was pretty cool because God showed me a new side to Himself while we were worshipping.

As we lost ourselves in worship, I heard Jesus' voice saying, "I am the Captain of the Hosts," and as I looked, I saw myself standing on the edge of a cliff, quite high up but there was still a way to keep going up. As I gazed into the distance, I saw the enemy forming ranks far away at the horizon and they were beginning to march towards me. I remember thinking, "Oh Jesus, You better come soon because they're getting closer..."

Then, the worship leader started singing these words, "I pledge allegiance to Jesus, to Jesus. I pledge allegiance to the Lamb." I suddenly saw myself standing before Jesus and I was part of His army. He had the form of a man but He was like blazing fire and I had never seen Him like that before. He was terrifying and fearsome...definitely not a meek lamb, or the vulnerable lovesick God that He's been revealing Himself to me as lately. He was so strong, terrifying in His glory, and as I stood befoore Him, I couldn't stop crying because I saw myself, a tiny little girl dressed in full armour with a shiny, big sword in my hand and I knew that I whether I live or die, I would fight with everything I am for His cause.

My heart was so captured by something greater and bigger than myself, and I knew that I stand as a lovesick warrior for His kingdom. I knew that I would do anything to be part of this grand plan of His, and for the first time in my life, I felt myself being swept up into the climax of the grandest adventure this world has ever known. I knew that I would endure all things, and that everything would fade away as I held fast to the visions He has hidden in my heart.

My heart was just crying out that battle cry (yeah, yeah, I know this isn't very flowerly and girly, but it was so cooooool! I think that even though girls are all 'soft' and stuff, there is something inside us that wants that adventure and to have something to live and die for) of allegiance to my King, and I just knew that I was willing to pay the price, pay the cost to fight for Him. No matter how hard it is, no matter how much suffering, I believe so strongly in Him and His love burns so deeply within my heart that I will give everything to fight in the frontlines for Him and with Him.

Oh...it was just so cool! I love Jesus so much when He was revealing Himself to me as Bridegroom, but I know that that isn't all of Him...there's so many more sides to Him that I haven't seen and I for one am so thrilled to see Him in all His different names. I was so blown away when I saw Him as the Captain of the Hosts tonight because I was like, "Wow...You are the One whose chest I lean my head upon...but look at YOU! You are so fearsome, so strong, so mighty and I never even realised it before!!!"

He is the strongest, most mightiest man who has ever walked across the face of this earth! And when the trumpet sounds, when He shouts, I will charge and run into the darkness, knowing that in Him, victory has already been given! I will not creep into the darkness, I will not walk, but I will run, willingly, with an abandoned heart, giving my all for my King!!!

I am so excited! He is raising up not just His family, but His army too! It takes wisdom to know what He is doing in each season, and I know that for me, He is showing me now what it means to be part of His army and what it means to fight. I think we all have these worldly concepts of what it means to fight, but really, my fight is to be on my knees, to die to myself, to LOVE in spite of abuse, insults and hurts!

Oh man...He never fails to fascinate me!!! I've never seen Him like this before and while I was terrified of how powerful He was, at the same time, I was soooooooooooooooo THRILLED!!! He is not just the meek Lamb, but the roaring Lion of Judah!

I have this friend Grace.

I don't know if she ever reads this blog...but I just wanted to make a public declaration that I love that girl. I love her so much!!! She has been one of my biggest encouragers and my prayer is that one day she would realise how much of an impact her life is, especially to me.

So if you're reading this, Grace, hear my words:

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!

My heart feels so broken and raw right now.

I don't really know what's going on, but ever since God started telling me to come fly with Him, everything I say seems to be hurting people. I feel like I'm on a completely different page to everyone, and I see things so clearly that sometimes it frustrates me when people don't see it.

As I was crying out to God just now, He reminded me of a prophecy that I received at DTS last year where someone said that they could see this house. Most of the people function in the basement and first floor of this house, but the Lord had chosen me to function in the top floors, and to have the ability to see doorways and staircases that no one else could see. He said that the Lord was choosing me to be someone who went ahead to prepare the way, to open doors for people and to lead them through them.

I guess I had totally forgotten that prophecy, but tonight when God reminded me of it, it really resounded in me. Something has changed in me in the last month, and suddenly I see things so differently from before...I have so much more faith, confidence and hope in every circumstance and this crazy peace that is so much more constant than it's ever been because I don't seem to see situations in the 'natural' anymore, but I can actually look upwards and see what God is doing, and even when I don't understand it, I have this joy and trust in knowing that He is so good.

It frustrates me so much though...I can see these open doorways that the Lord is so desperately wanting people to walk through because it is through these doorways that they will receive their healing and joy, but trying to point people there is like trying to describe colours to a blind man. I've never been able to see so clearly before (and I know that I'm not even seeing half of what the Lord is doing), and I don't know how to communicate everything the Lord has shown me in words...

I love people so much when I see them struggling, I want so much to help them to find those doorways because I've walked through them and found my peace, but everytime I try to show them, I end up saying things that upset them instead. *sigh* I don't know what to do. I've just been sitting here crying because I hate knowing that somehow even though I'm doing what God is asking me to do, I somehow must not be doing everything right because people are getting upset with me...I don't know...

All I know is that God has set me apart, and I'm a sort of forerunner...going ahead of people so that I can come back and show them the way...I just don't want people to get hurt while I'm trying to hear from God how to do this. God has been moving so fast in my life that I don't even know how I changed so much, so how do I even explain to people what happened?!?! Sometimes I think it's easier to just not even bother, but it doesn't work...I've given so much of my will over to Jesus that even when I've been hurt, trampled on, it's not even an option to get offended and bitter...I'm a prisoner to the Holy Spirit and His love inside me compels me to keep choosing Him again and again. His love in me keeps me picking up my cross again and again and He won't let me stop.

Tonight when I was sitting here pouring out my heart to my Love, I felt Him whisper, "When the world hates you, run into My arms" and I believe that this is my solution. Not to work out what to say or how to say things because all that will flow out of that relationship with Him. All I need is to keep crying out for more of Him because unless I learn how to live in the center of His embrace, I am so lost.

Oh Lord, what I had yesterday in the past is not enough for today or tomorrow...I cannot survive on what I had yesterday. I need more and more of You...I could get by on less of You before, but I am completely out of my depth, and unless I have Your arms wrapped around me, I don't even know how to take another step forward. I am nothing without You, my Lord, and my heart is so fragile, so sensitive, so tender...You are all I have, my Jesus...make my confidence in You unshakeable and impart to me a new boldness and fearlessness that I would be someone who is an influencer rather than influenced. Make me someone who can influence every conversation to glorify You rather than to just go with the flow. Increase Your presence within me and set me apart for Yourself, my Lord!

Oh Father, do whatever it takes to make me like the One I love, that the world would know that I belong to Him. May I be so one with You that everywhere I go, I would carry the fragrance of my sweet Jesus with me. May You receive all the glory that is due unto You from my life. Receive Your full inheritance in me, Lord. Teach me to live as Your daughter, and help me to never forget those who still live as though they do not have a Father because they do not know You.

I'm not the one who changes hearts and lives, but I am here, my Father, willing and available to You to use as You please. Even if it means being hurt everyday...Lord, as long as I have Your sweet presence wrapped around me, the purpose of my life and existence is complete. More of You, Lord, and less of me.

I got to share with everyone an awesome revelation that God has been showing me at Prayer Mountain this Thursday, and even though it was cool and quite a few people said that they really received from the Lord from it, I can't help thinking that there was meant to be more. I know that while I was sharing, it was such a battle to remain focused and to hear what God was saying, and for most of the meeting, I kept feeling like we were flowing in the Spirit, then stopping, then flowing again, and it was all so disjointed. Half the time I felt as if we were not coming in line with what the Spirit was doing. I wasn't sure if I was discerning this accurately, but today the leader's wife called me and told me that she felt the same thing that I felt.

Which got me thinking...you know, when I first received these revelations about 2 weeks ago, I really felt that God was telling me to clear my schedule for the next 2 weeks and seek His face. I knew that He wanted me to fast and pray and to keep pressing in to what He was showing me...but...in the last 2 weeks, I barely sought His face. *sigh* Somehow there was one event after another and I was just busy, busy, busy and so distracted. Every night I'd be like, 'Ooops, God, please help me to spend time with You tomorrow," but I never really took it very seriously. Maybe it would've made a difference, maybe it wouldn't have, I guess I'll never know.

What I do know though is that my schedule, time and energy is still unsurrendered to God. He's been speaking to me for a while now about surrendering my 'right' to do whatever I want with my time, but I haven't really been walking this out in full. I think He let me get away with it in the past, but now He's really emphasizing it a lot. The truth is, I haven't really been very faithful with how I've been using my time. My grades are not what they should be, I'm socializing rather than spending time with Him, sleeping at weird hours so that I'm too tired to wake up to spend time with Him in the morning, and making vows to fast but then breaking it instead of following through. I guess I've been excusing it for a while, but tonight I felt really convicted about it (among other things) because I really do want Him to be glorified through every area of my life!

He's teaching me new things and new lessons...I had gotten good at applying all the other stuff that He had shown me before, and I was walking in all of it, but now He's showing me new stuff and I really want to apply it instead of wasting time and going round in circles.

He's been calling my name for a while now and inviting me to fly higher and higher with Him, but I know that if I really want to fly with my Love, then I have to be willing to allow Him to strip me of everything that hinders me and weighs me down. Oh, how I long to soar in the skies with Him!!!

Help m to surrender, Lord! Unless You help me, I cannot! I know that You see my heart and see my longing to go deeper and higher with You...help me to surrender all my 'rights' for the sake of knowing You and Your amazing love. I give You all my rights to make my own schedule and agenda, and as I use my freewill to choose You, help me to walk out a life that is completely dependent upon Your grace. I want to know You more!!!

I don't know why but I feel like sharing something very personal and intimate to me...maybe it's that 4am syndrome where you're all reflective and wanting to share your emotions or maybe it's something else, but whatever it is, I feel like sharing something that means so much to me :)

Shortly after I received Jesus into my heart about 4 years ago, I read the Bible and saw that whenever something big happened to someone, they were always given a new name. For example, Jacob become Israel, and Naomi became Mara. So, I asked God whether I had a new name because I knew that meeting Him was that 'big' thing that happened to me, and for some reason, I always felt since that day that He had called me 'Lily'.

For the longest time, I knew deep down inside me that this was His secret name for me, and I thought it was cool because lilies are really pretty flowers, but it didn't really have any other special meaning for me. Well, last year when I was still in Singapore after completing my DTS, I was feeling particularly discouraged one day and I was crying out to God. That day though, His answer completely surprised me. He said, "Tiff, have you ever wondered why I gave you the new name Lily? Look it up on Google." (Hahaha, He knows His technology!!!)

So I did...and what I found blew me away. As soon as I saw that the name Lily meant 'beauty, purity and innocence', I just broke down because I could not believe it. My whole life, I have always felt so ugly, so dirty; innocence shattered by all the pain and horrors that were done to me and by sins that I committed. These were the areas of my heart that were most destroyed by the enemy of my soul, and these were the areas that most needed to be redeemed.

But God in His mercy, before I even saw any hint of beauty, purity or innocence in my life, called me by the name that would be what I would become. He was "the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were" (Romans 4:17). Even before I became those things, He already knew that He would heal and redeem me! I was just so blown away by His unfailing love, that when I was at my most filthiest mess, He called me pure, beautiful and innocent. He did not wait till I was 'acceptable' by worldly standards to love me and embrace me, but He met me in my darkest hour and He not only rescued me but He reversed every curse that was in operation in my life.

My Jesus...oh my Jesus! I will never know how much You suffered for me, and I never want to insult You by trying to 'pay You back', because Your blood that was shed for me has no price that I can ever come close to paying. But with everything I am, with all my heart, make me completely Yours. Thank You for washing me and taking away all my shame, all my disgrace. You have clothed me with Your garments and all the world will know that I am Yours.

Tonight at 180, I felt the Lord say, "It is your birthright, your inheritance to know and experience My delight in you! It is your birthright to be dripping with the oil of gladness and joy, because it is never anything you do, but who you are to Me."

Then I saw a vision of me, darkness all within me, and as we worshipped the darkness was pulled out of me and placed onto Jesus. He was hanging on the cross, white and all pure, until my sin touched Him, and He went gray and black. But there I was, white and glowing with splendor, and as I was horrified with how black Jesus had become, suddenly all the darkness on Him was consumed and He disappeared off the cross. He reappeared next to me, shining in all His glory, white and pure once again, because sin and death could not hold Him down!

And as He stood next to me, both of us glowing with light, He spoke, "No more shame, no more guilt. They are not fitting for My bride to wear, for I bore every sin of yours on the cross. I clothe you with My righteousness, My holiness, My purity. Receive My embrace and love!"

"It is finished."

What did Jesus mean when He said those words on the cross? Did He mean, "It'll be finished soon" or "It's going to be finished at some point" or did He simply mean, "It is finished. It is done"?

My past crept back into the present last night and today, and it had some fun with me, but my God reigns!!! My heart is deceitful above all else. It really is, and I still can't believe how much turmoil can be stirred up within me when I let one tiny lie slip past the cracks.

Instead of taking my thoughts captive, I believed the lie, "I always hurt people I love", and "Everyone I love always abandons me" and things quickly spiralled out of control. But you know what? I've just been spending time with the Lord and I just kept hearing Him say, "It is finished. It is finished. What you are experiencing is not reality but just an illusion that has been created because that is what you believe."

So I went into that quiet place with Him and asked Him for His truth, cuz I think I've finally accepted that I know nothing and I can't trust anything I think or feel. Only His word will bring reassurance and a promise that I can cling to, and He spoke so much life into me.

Firstly, He said that I don't always hurt people I love. In fact, as His bride and daughter, I am His chosen vessel to invite people to the gift of ETERNAL LIFE. I am a channel of BLESSING not curse!!! :D Of course that made me pretty happy!

Then He showed me a vision of my past, and I didn't realise it until now, but I guess in my heart I always believed that all those times I hurt in the past, God was grieving over it but from a detached observer point of view. This time though, I saw that He felt EVERYTHING with me. Everything I went through hurt Him in the same way it hurt me, and even more, because He loves me so much that it hurts Him to see me hurt! Somehow just knowing that He was always there has made it all okay even though it doesn't change what has happened. It wasn't just me walking through all that crap...He walked it with me! Yay! He has promised never to leave me and He has placed me in a family that is for all of eternity, which means even when people leave, they'll never get rid of me because we're one in Christ for all eternity, HAHA. Suckers! I mean...my blessed brothers and sisters.

I can't even begin to express how much freedom I feel right now! It's amazing how just having the word of the Lord can bring so much life, and it's so true that when I know the truth, the truth will set me free! I was hurting so much yesterday night and today...it's been a long time since I've hurt this much, but all it took was a few words from Him for me to be healed. Hallelujah!

He is the coolest Father ever.

I was at a Prayer Mountain meeting tonight at church and it was so cool, because I went not expecting to have anything to give, but God kept reminding me of all these things He wanted me to say! I love it when I have those times when I open my mouth and He just fills it! At one point, I had my eyes closed and God just started speaking through me and I was so stunned because He just kept speaking and speaking and speaking, and suddenly I broke off the flow in amazement and said, 'Oh CRAP, where did that come from?!?!' He blows my mind!

He reminded me tonight of a vision I saw a year ago where I was in the sky with Jesus, floating over a huge ocean. There was the most beautiful sunset, and as far as I could see, the sea stretched from horizon to horizon and reflected all the golds and reds of the sunset. As I looked, I saw angels all around Jesus and me, and they were singing in adoration, worshipping and bowing down to Jesus. Then suddenly, they stopped, and all of heaven was silent as Jesus opened His mouth to speak.

He took my hand and intertwined His fingers with mine and lifted our arms up. Then He opened His mouth and said, "Today, I declare before heaven and earth that Tiffany is the bride that I have chosen. She is forever Mine." and then all of heaven cheered, because the King of kings and the Lord of lords had chosen and I was found to be worthy because of His precious blood that was shed for me.

Tonight, I saw that same vision again, and Jesus told me, "Remember, no matter what obstacles you face, no matter how you feel you fail Me, no matter what mistakes you make, remember that I have chosen YOU. I have chosen YOU. You are mine and I will never let you go." I know I struggle so much sometimes with questions of 'who am I?', 'what is my purpose?' and 'why am I so weak?'. But tonight, He showed me so clearly that it doesn't even matter who I am or what I do, because all that matters is that He has CHOSEN me.

And if He has chosen me...

Then He's chosen YOU.

God has no favourites. Everything that I've ever experienced is true for the Body of Christ too! Hallelujah! What a God we serve! He is more than able to give ALL of Himself of ALL of us...He doesn't have to split Himself and gives only parts of Himself to us, but He withholds none of His love and heart from us. He has lavished it upon us and I rejoice as I receive His showers and rains of everlasting love!!!

It's so cool!

Today I finally stepped out in faith and spoke about what God had been saying to me over the last 2 months, and it started the wheels into motion. Nothing has changed physically around me, but everything within me has. A few hours ago, I was completely overwhelmed with fear, terrified about what the future would hold, afraid of being disappointed, scared of being humiliated, and most of all, petrified that I had heard everything wrongly. There's nothing I fear more than to hope and then be disappointed, and when I stepped out in faith today, suddenly it was like God's word and promises just might actually be fulfilled, and the possibility of it actually coming true terrified me, because I knew I would be so crushed if it didn't. I've always been the kind of person who rather not pursue anything that meant anything to her because it hurts too much to be disappointed.

But as I read through my blog tonight (when I should be doing my assignments *slaps head* stupid, stupid! Why is it already 4:35am?), I was just so struck by His faithfulness, His committment to seeing me succeed and blossoming into the life that He has planned for me. And now everything within me is still. The anxiety and voices of doubt has been silenced. So I stood in the middle of the room and declared, "Yes, Lord, I believe. If I'm wrong, then may I be humble enough to say that I heard wrongly, but until then, Lord, I believe. Fulfill Your promise to me."

You know what? I take myself far too seriously, and God not seriously enough. I want to have the kind of faith that believes so strongly that even if I 'hear wrongly', that my God is bigger than that and that He is ALWAYS in control. My mistakes will never cancel out His sovereignty!!! So often I hold back because I'm scared of looking stupid, but my prayer is that I can be the sort of person who doesn't mind falling flat on her ass (yes, I said, 'ass') and looking foolish for God.

Ahhhh...it's so much more peaceful now to be at that place where I can say with conviction, "Yes, I believe. I believe!" and at the same time, "Lord, help me to believe!!!"

Ever since I heard the Lord say to me last week, "You do not have because you do not ask", I have taken Him at His word and started asking for every single need that I had, from the smallest to the greatest. I had always shied away from doing this in the past because it always felt...well...too needy. But this week, He was really showing me that it was only my pride that was holding me back from receiving the fullness of the love that He desires to lavish upon me! He showed me that it is at that place of broken humility that I can come before Him, knowing that He alone sustains me, that His grace can flow and touch every empty place of my being.

What has amazed me so much is that from the smallest to the greatest need that I asked for, He has answered, and not just answered, but answered so quickly!!! It has wrecked my heart to encounter His love everywhere I turned this week, and I am completely overwhelmed. I always wanted to be the kind of person who loved Jesus for who He is, and not what He did for me, because it always felt less selfish. But He showed me so clearly this week that by having this kind of view, I was limiting His love towards me, because He rejoices in communicating and expressing His love to me!

This week has been tough, but it's been one of the most beautiful weeks ever. I was riding on the train on Monday when He showed up and interrupted. I saw Him in front of me, washing my feet, and it wasn't like the last time when He tried to do this, because last time, I felt so awkward and uncomfortable, I kept saying, "Get up! You're God! Stop!!!" This time, I just saw Him look so tenderly into my eyes as He washed my feet and I just kept gazing at Him and we couldn't stop smiling at each other.

What touched my heart so much was not that I wanted to wash His feet (because of course I would! He is the King of Kings!!!), but that He, my King, my God, would gladly wash MY feet. I looked straight into His eyes of love, completely overwhelmed and blown away by how my Jesus would so unabashedly and vulnerably place His heart out there for me. I could have not recognised (and I still don't fully recognise) the gift that He was offering me and trampled all over His heart, but somehow, time and time again, He keeps putting Himself out there so that I would know that He is my God who holds back nothing from me. I could sense so much love and tenderness, and HOPE that I would respond to His love as His bride and it broke my heart, because I know that I break His heart over and over again, but He is always saying, "It is worth it. For you I would die a thousand times over because I love you and have desired you before the creation of the world."

I was so wrecked in the face of such pure, consuming love that I nearly lost it right there on the train. Seeing His passion and desire for me ignited my own passion and desire for Him, and as I gazed into the unfathomable depths of His love, I could not help but cry out in my innermost being, "Lord, take all of me. Take all of my heart. Consume me and make all of me Yours because I gladly give myself to You, my precious Jesus."

There is nothing I can ever do with the strongest of human zeal to ever stir up a passion for God that will last. But, as He shows me His love, as I understand the depths to which He has loved me, a flame is set ablaze within me, a burning flame of love that consumes everything apart from the One I love.

"We love because he first loved us." - 1 John 4:19

"But Zion has said, 'The LORD has forsaken me, the LORD has forgotten me.' 'Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of My hands.'" - Isaiah 49:14-16

Lately my eyes have slipped off the Lord and onto all the people all around me, and as I saw how God was using them, discontentment started breeding within me. Though a part of me rejoices when I see what He is doing with those around me, there is a question in my heart, 'Why not me?' and the more I refused to face this, the more this tiny question grew until it frustrated me even whilst my mind was focused on other things.

The Lord has spoken to me many times to be patient and that my time has not come yet, always bringing me back to that story of David and Saul and how even after David was anointed to be king of Israel, he still had to serve and wait to see the fulfilment of God's promise to Him. In fact, when Samuel went to anoint the further king of Israel, not only did Samuel think it was Eliab because of the way he looked, his family did not think David was even worthy enough to be brought before Samuel.

I know what God has spoken to me about the plans He has for my life, and what glorious plans they are! There has been so many different individuals who don't know me prophesying the same things over my life, and it has frustrated me because I am so impatient and I want to see everything NOW!!! But that's not the way He works, and as I sat with Him earlier, He was showing me that it wasn't so much that I wanted to be used by Him right now, but rather I wanted to be used by Him so that people would see what He has placed within me, so that I would have confirmation of what He has told me He would do in my life.

That was when I realised that all this is because I did not really believe! I wanted signs to confirm that He really would do all those cool things in my life, but He's trying to tell me right now that it's not whether people 'recognise' it or that I'm seeking out opportunities to 'develop' the gifts He has given me, but it's about His faithfulness to fulfill every promise He has ever spoken to me! Those who hope in the Lord will never be put to shame.

Even if I don't see even the slightest fulfillment of His promises in the next ten years, will I still hold on and believe? He was reminding me of Joseph earlier, that even with all the dreams Joseph had, it was a long journey and walk before he saw the fulfilment, and man, when he was in prison, he must've been like, 'What is going on?!?!?!' Oh Lord, have mercy on me and help me to hold on to hope and to cling to Your promises, even if everyone I know is serving you in these great ways and I'm not...yet. I know that I will one day, for Your word is true and it always stands.

I really praise God for showing this all to me just now, because the truth is, with all this discontentment, even though I desire more intimacy with Him, what I desire more right now is to be used by Him. It was pretty humbling to have to admit that but I know that only He can change my desires and bring me back to that place of deep communion with Him...there's nothing I can do to change this deceitful heart of mine!

I do...I miss Him so much. He still speaks so much, and I still spend so much time with Him, but I'm missing the sweetness and joy of just BEING with Him. I miss the days when He would interrupt whatever I was doing just to say that He loved me and that He desired me. I miss the days when our intimacy was more important to me than who I am and what I do.

Lord, bring me back to that place once again!!! Be my one desire and passion! Jesus, You are a Jealous God and a consuming fire...consume all the other loves in my life apart from You. I can't bear to live without that sweetness of communion with You. I pray not that You would restore that passion to what it was before, but I pray that out of this dry season, the result would be more passion, more desire, more fire for You.

I received this comment today on one of my blog posts and unfortunately it was from an anonymous person so I couldn't respond to them personally, but I guess I want to do the next best thing and respond over here because I think it's important that it's addressed :)

"i'm so encouraged by your writing. how, how would one grow & walk in God? i try and fail, and try, and fail. it stinks. i'm thirsty -- but does it involve getting bored at devotions at first -- though you KNOW theres so much life to be had!?!?!"

One of the things I realised through reading my blog is that a lot of my posts are about the really cool and awesome things that God is doing, and whilst I do believe that it is important to proclaim the goodness of God, I don't ever want people to read my blog and then feel discouraged because they aren't experiencing all this yet. The truth is, whilst I do have pretty amazing experiences with God, it is not always high up in the mountain tops all the time! Just like every relationship, there are the ups and the downs, but we keep seeking that intimacy with Jesus because we love Him and know that we need Him for everything.

When I first started spending time with God a little over a year ago, I could not even spend 10 minutes with Him. Time seemed to pass by so slowly and often times, I would just fall asleep or be so bored it felt as if I was asleep. But, the important thing for me was that God really showed me that though my willingness and desire to connect with Him was there, it would not be my own strength or willpower that would sustain me and bring this about...this had to be a divine act of grace! I kept crying out for grace to keep meeting with Him and persevering even though at first it seemed like I was going nowhere, and somedays I had to grit my teeth and spend some time with Him even though He felt so distant because I knew that I needed Him so much.

Somewhere along the way, things DID get easier, and as God and I kept meeting regularly, He continued His work of changing my heart until He became more and more real to me and our quiet times together became more and more satisfying. That doesn't mean it's all always super cool though, there are days when He is silent or when I'm just too tired to even focus on Him, but what's important is that we realise that even when it feels like nothing is being accomplished, you can never lose when you choose to invest in intimacy with Jesus!

I have many days when I feel like my prayers are hitting the ceiling and days when I don't even know what to say, but man oh man, when He does show up in a big way, it is so amazing that it makes everything soooooo worth it!

"But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who HEAR the word, RETAIN it, and by PERSEVERING produce a crop." - Luke 8:15

You are so amazing, God!!!!!!

So here I was, struggling with loving this person, trying to fight with impatience, but then when I came to the end of myself and realised that I do not have it in me to love her, I cried out to You, and You answered. How quickly You work, my God!

I can hardly believe that someone that used to grate on my nerves so much that I couldn't stand being around them has suddenly been transformed in my eyes in a few hours. All I did was confess my lack of love for her to my brother and sister and we prayed together and asked that the Lord would give me love for her because I desired to love her the way Jesus did.

Then suddenly, I felt convicted. Convicted of the unloving way I had treated her in my attitude and heart when what I should have been moving in was compassion and love. So, first came repentance to God whom I had sinned against and hurt.

Then came an email to her repenting for my lack of love for her and telling her that I wanted to stand by her and support her (I can't believe I not only wrote that but actually FELT it, because just a few hours ago, I wanted to run away as far as I could from her!!!). But then I really felt like I wanted to say it to her so I called her and repented (which must've made me seem so weird because she and I have spoken less than five minutes in all the time that I've known her) and SHE FORGAVE ME. Not only that, she actually said that she felt like I didn't do anything against her...oh how sweet is Your forgiveness, Lord!

How is it that my Jesus is able to change my heart with just one touch from His Hand? How is He able to give me compassion that breaks my heart for the same person that only hours ago made me cringe everytime I was near her?!?! Not only that, but I feel this sudden burst of affection where I just want to go to her and talk and know her and hug her and kiss her and hear her story...It's too crazy!

My God is amazing!!! It is wonderful that I can do nothing on my own, because how awesome it is that He does it all for me!!!!!!! I am so astounded by the grace that that person extended to me and at the same time, so completely humbled because I see just how sinful I am, and how great and completely wonderful my God is. Thank God His blood covers all my sin and that His goodness covers all my weaknesses.

This is the answer that I keep forgetting. How do I love those that I cannot stand? I cannot without Him!!! But by His love and His goodness, I can love the whole world!

Yay!

Hallelujah!!!!!!

I know nothing.

Honestly, the more I walk with Him, the more I realise that I know absolutely nothing. I can do absolutely nothing apart from Him and I dare not trust myself at all. I am frustrated by my weaknesses, and I am fed up by all my failed attempts to change myself...this is why I need a Saviour...There is nothing I can do, with the most passionate of human zeal to ever change this deceitful heart of mine.

As I was praying earlier, I was a vision of me entering into the throne room of God but there was this long checklist trailing behind me. On it, I saw certain items like, 'Spend time with God', 'Prayed for people', 'Listened to someone's problems', 'Encouraged someone'...

These were the things that I didn't realise that I did to make myself 'feel' righteous and like a 'good Christian', but God showed me that this was actually a work of my flesh apart from Christ, and that this was not what He desired for me. Jesus wanted me to know that it is only by His blood that I am made righteous and that He wanted me to lose all those lists of demands and expectations that I place upon myself. No more, 'I should' and 'I shouldn't', but just a deep knowing that there is no performance involved in my Father's love for me.

I try and try and try to please Him, but everytime without fail, I fall flat on my face.

Oh Lord, help me!!! Only You can change this prideful, hardened heart of mine...

Nostalgia...

I was going through my stuff in my room in Singapore earlier and I found a pink notebook from my past. In it was all the notes from friends in Thailand when I moved away in 1999 to Hong Kong. It made my heart so warm to read all those notes that were so full of love and encouragement, but at the same time, it was so bittersweet.

What happened that made me think that everyone hated me? Why didn't I ever keep in touch?

I can't for the life of me figure it out...when I left Thailand, it's like history rewrote itself and I couldn't remember the good times anymore. All I remembered was darkness...the hurts, the pains, the complete despair of feeling rejected, bullied, ashamed of who I was. Could the darkness have been so great in a little girl's life that she forgot all the happy memories? Or was it just a defense mechanism to help with the pain of leaving people behind?

I guess I'll never know...but what I know is this, finding that notebook and reading it was hard, but it is healing me. My name was not Rejected and I was not hated the way I thought I was. Most of all, I was not the complete monster that I thought I was. Yes, I was and still am a sinner, falling short of the glory of God, but I don't have to hate myself anymore. I don't have to punish myself for the mess of the past.

Everything is nailed to the Cross.

Thank You, Jesus.

I handed in my last assignment and sat for my last exam for the year today.

Ahhhh...

What bliss.

I'm rejoicing over here that I have officially finished my first semester at CUHK. I never thought that I would actually live to see this day, and even when I first moved back to HK 6 months ago, there was a small part of me that was just waiting for me to 'screw it all up' and I was watching the whole time to see when I would fail again. But the amazing thing is that His grace is so upon me!

2 years ago, I left Australia in a complete disgrace. I, the straight A student, flunked out of university because of a drinking problem and I spent the last 2 years getting my life back together with God. I had no friends, my family were strangers to me and I hated myself. But greater is His love than anything I could ever have done to try and destroy myself! The life He has given back to me is infinitely more beautiful and amazing than the life I had before I went down my path of destruction.

Indeed all things have been made new and the old HAS passed away! Hallelujah!

THIS is the King that I serve, love and worship. He is the One who gave everything that I lost back to me and blessed me beyond measure. I still look at my life sometimes and am just so overwhelmed by the joy and peace and most of all, love, that surrounds me.

I have the most amazing relationship with my family now, the most awesome friends in the world that I consider my family, I'm living alone in a foreign country and not just surviving but loving it and I've just finished my first semester at uni. Could life get anymore incredible than this?!?! I have no other words to express my complete and utter gratitude towards Jesus, whose death made all this possible.

Thank You, Jesus, that when You were in the Garden of Gethsemene, You saw that I would have need of Your sacrifice. Thank You for saving me.