My God is so good to me, and I am so blessed.

4 days ago, I blogged about Psalm 45:11 and how God had been telling me that He thinks I'm so beautiful. I don't know how, but I just knew that He was affirming me overtime because there was something that was coming that He wanted me to face. I asked Him what it was, and He avoided the question and asked instead if I would go deeper with Him even if it was painful, because He is the Faithful One who will not leave me. Of course I said yes.

The next day in my morning prayers with Damian (he and I have been meeting together in the mornings to pray together ever since we became official), he said that he felt it was time for me to share with him about my past. I agreed because I immediately knew that this was what God had been telling me about the night before.

There's been a lot of darkness in my life before I met Jesus...I made a lot of bad decisions, but there was also a lot of abuse and pain. Before Damian and I got together, we always knew that we would one day have to talk about all of this, because our own fears about it occasionally would come between us. He had a lot of fears because he knew that there was a lot of darkness in my life, but he didn't know what it was, and for me, I was always terrified that if he knew the truth about my past, that he would leave me. Anyways, we have always talked about how we are desiring not just that perfect unity and oneness with God but also with each other, and we knew that in order for us to have this, we wouldn't be able to have any dark corners and closed doors in our hearts. But, we both always dreaded this day because we knew it would be very painful.

On Friday we cleared our schedules and went to the beach where I shared with him an overview about my past. It was really painful for me because so many of the memories that I had tried to suppress over the years all came back up, and more than that, the shame and guilt rose up and caused me to doubt at times whether I really am who God says I am. There were a lot of tears, and I know that Damian was feeling a lot of pain as well and that his heart was so broken over everything that had happened.

I was so thankful though, because whenever I thought of that day, I always pictured him leaving, but what happened instead was that he just held me so tight and told me that he loved me. I know that God was just pouring His healing love into me at that moment. You know, I know that God is a God of love and grace, but it just amazed me so much to see that Damian, a human, could be so in touch with God's heart that he showed me so much love and grace too, even in the moment of his pain. That boy never ceases to amaze me.

I wish I could say that we received total healing that day but we didn't. The healing has begun, but it is a process and the pain comes in waves. God did promise us before all this that as we walked through this valley, He would be with us and bring us through into an even greater and more glorious light. Damian and I feel so broken right now...our emotions are so raw and my heart feels so shattered. But it's so cool because the Body of Christ has really been there for both of us, and we have felt their hands of love wrapped around us, ministering the love of the Father into our hearts. I'm so thankful for the Body!

Psalm 34:11 says, "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." and it is so true. Even though I am so emotionally drained at the moment and I have barely enough energy to do anything, I have felt His presence so close to me. When I was worshipping at church on Saturday night, I felt Him touch me and I was filled with so much joy because He was so real and so near to me in a way that I've only really experienced during times of brokenness. And last night at the Sunday service, I was feeling so tired and weary and was crying through the worship set, but by the end of the service, as we sang the lyrics, "When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say, blessed be the name of the Lord" I used all the strength that was left in me to stand up, raise my hands to Him and tell God, "Yes, I choose You!"

It was so incredible!!! It suddenly made me realise that it's so cool that in times when I'm standing on the mountain tops, I get to praise His name out of the overflow of love and joy. But in that moment, I was so broken and weary, and I got to give back to Him and praise Him out of my brokenness and emptiness, and somehow I just knew that He was so pleased. It suddenly struck me that it's so beautiful when broken people who are facing difficult circumstances still choose to put their faith in Him and declare that He is good! It's like the Widow's Offering in Luke 21:1-4, and I was so full of joy as I realised that even in my brokenness, His heart is STILL moved by me as I choose Him.

I am so blessed!!! This time is tough and it hurts to face all those memories, and even more, it is painful to see Damian in pain, but I want to treasure this time with God, because I know that He is taking us so much deeper into Him and with each other. Something so beautiful is going to be birthed through this, and I know that we will look back at this time as something so precious that we wouldn't trade it for anything. He is so glorious and so beautiful, and I know that He's doing all this to give us more freedom, more healing, more deliverance so that we can come even closer to Him.

I love Him so much!

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." - Psalm 23:4

And this blog post just wouldn't be complete without me saying, I love you so much, Damian :) Thank you for walking through this with me and sharing in my pain. I know that when we get through this, our love, joy and healing will be multiplied! You are the only one for me!