I had the most wonderful time with the Lord today...it's been a long time since I've felt His delight and pleasure in me. I know that objectively it hasn't been that long, but I'm so used to dwelling in His presence and delight everyday that it's felt like an eternity.

I couldn't really understand why I was still hurting even though God healed me and helped me to forgive the people who hurt me on Sunday night. That was a really awesome night too, and although it was scary confronting my hurt and pain, I felt His healing touch and received His peace once again. So I was pretty confused as to why I was still feeling so down, and I couldn't understand why I was still avoiding Him. I knew that I was still running away from Him even though He was telling me He loved me so many times and I totally didn't understand.

Yesterday I got home from handing in my assignment after pulling an all-nighter. It was about 4:00pm and I was trying to figure out whether I should spend time with God or just crawl into bed because I was so tired. For some reason, I just sat on my bed and cried and cried (it seems like this is all I've done this month), and I was so sick of it that I ended up popping 2 melatonin pills (they're some herbal supplements to make you sleepy) and went to bed. I was trying to make sure that I would sleep for as long as I could so that maybe, just maybe, when I woke up, things would be better.

Just before I dozed off, I put on some worship music and muttered, "Jesus, please come find me...I don't know how to find You anymore and I'm so lost". At one point during the night, I woke up and actually felt His presence in my room (which confused me a little), but I was too exhausted to do anything other than mumble, "Thank You, Jesus, thank You, Jesus."

I had a strange dream last night where I was talking to someone and they said, "You know what's wrong with you? You never fight" and I denied it and disagreed but they said, "Here, I'll prove it". And then they hit me. The first time they hit me, I fought back and defended myself, but then he hit me again and again, and I just lay there and took it because I thought I deserved it.

Today when I was out, I realised that there's a difference between laying down your life out of love, and taking all the crap that the world throws at you because you think you deserve it. I didn't realise it before but I had been so angry at myself for being so sensitive and soft because I got so sick of being hurt easily. This world exalts strength and independence, and I know how weak and sensitive I am, and 3 weeks ago when I got hurt by those who were closest to me, I got so angry at myself and actually hated myself for being so weak. I was filled with so much hatred and disgust for myself that my thoughts went along the lines of, "You deserve to feel all this pain, you stupid, weak, sensitive loser". I was just so tired of feeling useless, insignificant, too sensitive, too soft, too...pathetic.

I tried to toughen up by closing my heart, and I guess I became really angry and bitter towards God for making me this way. I couldn't understand why He had gone so wrong when He made me. But today, when I was in IKEA (yeah, IKEA of all places!), He suddenly said, "You know, Tiff, I didn't create you to be so supersensitive so that the world could hurt you over and over, and not so that you could hate yourself. I made you this way so that you could connect with me, hear me and love me on a deeper level so much more easily." And then it clicked. Being me isn't a bad thing...He didn't make any mistakes...I'm good just the way I am.

I missed Him so much right then, so I went straight home to be with Him. I asked Him what He had been doing in my room the night before when I felt His presence and He showed me a vision of me sleeping in bed, strands of my hair stuck to my face from crying myself to sleep. He was there, brushing my hair from my face and He had tears in His eyes as He bent over and kissed my cheek. I saw Him whisper, "Come back, My child. Come back. I miss you."

I couldn't stop crying when He showed me this, and I just called out His name. And you know what? The second I called out His name, His presence was in my room! He didn't play any games with me, didn't make me wait to punish me for avoiding Him these last 3 weeks, and didn't even make me "press in more" so that I could "prove" that I really wanted Him. He was watching for me and while I was still at a distance away, He saw me coming home and He ran towards me.

You know...I don't have it all together and I know that I so often feel pressure from the world to act like I'm a good Christian who never has any struggles. But in a way, I really thank God that He's made my face and life such an open book that it's so obvious to everyone the minute I'm not doing well because it saves me all that energy of pretending. I really praise God that I don't have to have it all figured out or to even be "strong" (sometimes I hate that word) because I think I'm understanding more and more the longer I walk with Him that I don't need to be anything apart from His. It doesn't matter about my strengths or my weaknesses, it doesn't matter where I fall short, I don't even need to figure out who I am...all that matters is that I know that I am His and everything else will flow out of this place of understanding.

I don't have to feel like a hypocrite when I say I love Him but still get scared. I don't have to feel bad when I say I love Him but I still feel hurt. Loving Him doesn't mean I will never make mistakes or become the "perfect Christian" overnight. But by His grace, I am what I am and though my love is still immature, still weak, He is the One who will turn it into the blazing inferno that I want it to be.

In my weakness, I can choose Him. In my pain, I can choose Him and be wholehearted towards Him. I can choose to be passionate about Him and to live for Him today even though tomorrow might still scare me. He doesn't discount me just because I still have doubts or fears sometimes. He loves me for who I am in this moment right now and not who I will be in the future.

He is my God and no one else can ever take my place in His heart because I am irreplaceable and significant to Him.

Hallelujah!