Do you see the scars that I wear when you look at me?

Do you see all my flaws, all the things that need to be fixed, or do you see the beauty that God has placed in me?

Because I see the scars.
I see all the shortcomings.
All the things that I am not and all the things that I ought to be.

Do you see the beauty that the Father has bestowed upon me? Beauty that radiates from the inside-out? Beauty that I know He has given me to possess because He is beautiful and I am created in His image? Because I can't see it.

When Father God asked me to stop wearing makeup last week, I knew that it was connected to something He was doing in my heart, but I didn't know what. I stopped wearing makeup but immediately lost my self-confidence and belief that I am beautiful. I looked at myself in the mirror and all I could see was ugliness and scars. I obsessed and fantasized of how to fix myself and my beauty became a project that I had to tackle.

I am so tired.

As I drew into His presence just now, I suddenly saw what the link was with my heart. Just like my outward beauty, I can believe that I am beautiful as long as I am wearing my "mask". I am very controlled, holding it all together as a "good" Christian until one day, I get too exhausted and my "mask" begins to crumble. Then, I realise that I never really believed that I was truly beautiful in the first place.

As I sat there in His presence, I fell apart sobbing as He revealed my heart and I saw that deep down inside, I always believed that I was ugly, worthless, never "good enough". Always trying to 'fix' myself, always trying to make sure that no one ever found out just how bad I am. Believing that if people really saw my heart, they would confirm that I am without value.

I think that when people look at me, all they see are my imperfections, my scars and ugliness from the past that is written upon the core of my soul. I believe that these scars from my past destroy my beauty so I try and try to cover them up and be "perfect", but I am so, so, so, tired. Tired of hiding, tired of covering up...it takes too much energy and I am weary.

He wants to show me my true beauty - beauty that I don't have to fix or manufacture, but beauty that just is. Beauty that inspires, beauty that is restful, beauty that is inviting. That is the beauty that He has set in me to radiate but is hidden by all the masks I wear.

Oh Father, strip me...strip me of all that I am, that I can become nothing and You can completely possess me. I am so little, so weak, so pathetic, and yet You look upon me with such grace, such mercy, such kindness. I am overwhelmed at Your goodness towards me...how You free me from all my insecurities, all my fears, so that I might soar with You and fly higher into the blinding light of the sun.

Let me look at You. Let me gaze upon the One who is Beauty itself. Let me be lost in Your glorious majesty, because when I do, I know that I will lose all that self-focus and be consumed by passion for You. More of You and less of me, my God.

"You will be a crown of splendor in the LORD'S hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God." - Isaiah 62:3