Oh man, things are just so super cool at the moment...so I came back from dinner tonight and I was feeling so crummy. I was sitting on my bed staring blankly at my wall, feeling more and more discouraged, more and more weary and wanting to give up, but then a friend of mine Skyped me. The really cool thing was that they didn't really give me any advice or even say all these 'nice' things to encourage me, but they just let me talk and declare what God had been saying to me, and somehow that just started lifting up my heart and by the end of the conversation, I actually felt lighter than I did before.

Anyways, so I was sitting here spending time with God after that chat and I realised that so much of why I've been feeling so frustrated and discouraged lately is because I keep seeing how imperfect I am, and how my heart is not what I want it to be. I've been placing all these expectations on myself that I couldn't meet...I just kept failing and failing and I was getting more and more frustrated because I wanted to see myself changed and transformed NOW. The more I failed, the more I felt like a failure and that I would never be 'good enough'.

The Lord really reminded me tonight that all this is a process and that even in the process, He is delighting in me and loving me! He just wants me to keep my eyes on His glory and not on how far I fall short because He desires for me to enjoy the process of being transformed into His likeness. It was so cool because as soon as He said all that, I felt all my discouragement leave and I actually started feeling His delight and pleasure in me! I just know now that even in my immaturity and struggles, my Father still thinks the world of me! He doesn't need to change me at all to enjoy me, but He enjoys me in my imperfection even as He is transforming from glory to glory as I behold His beauty!!!

Forget about trying to "measure myself" by how well I am living up to these "rules" that I've made for myself...He never wanted me to live out of fear but out of grace and love. He is so kind, so gentle, and I don't have to live in fear of breaking His commandments, because His law is written upon my heart and He is faithful to help me to live according to His word and cause me to draw near to Him. I cannot do anything in my own strength, and He does not make impossible demands but He helps me in everything He asks me to do :D I can't do ANYTHING to change this heart of mine, and though it is one deceitful heart, it is also Jesus' heart because I have given it to Him, and because of that, His Spirit will cause it to be pure and holy. All I'm supposed to do is confess and repent whenever He convicts me...I don't have to go "sin-hunting" and try and slay myself! Not by might and not by power but by His Spirit!!!

I'm sick of spending time with Jesus so that I have awesome revelations to share...lately I haven't felt like sharing much, and I felt like such a failure as a Christian because I wasn't "impacting" people by sharing. I just want to be drawn into intimacy for MEEEEEEEEE alone! I need love! He died to free me from even trying to live for "good things" because the only thing He wants me to live for is Him, and He is so merciful to declare over me again and again, "My child, you are not a failure even if you fail, because in My eyes, you are My little champion :D" (yes, I'm pretty sure God uses emoticons when He talks to me sometimes!).

Yay! No demands...no expectations...no rules to live by...just the joy and glory of beholding the beauty of my Lord and gazing into His eyes. A life of adoration and devotion where my heart overflows with His love because I am hidden in the secret place with Him :D

I love You, my Lord!

Psalm 131
¹ My heart is not proud, O LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.

² But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.

³ O Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore.