Posted by Tiffany in

I don't know who you are, but man, you made my day with this comment :) It was such an encouragement to me and I had such a big smile on my face when I read your comment yesterday.

Why is my heart playing the roller-coaster game with me lately? It's like one moment I'm flying high, and then the next moment, I'm feeling completely empty and alone. The more time I spend with people these days, the more I feel 'off' and empty...I just feel so dissatisfied and it's been a long time since I've felt like this.

Walking in this world is not easy, and everywhere I turn, there are all these competiting affections that vie for the attention that I long to lavish upon my King. I know that lately I've been praying that God would set me even more apart and consecrate me to Himself. I know that I've also been praying that He would make my heart fully committed to Him because I have been so distressed to find that my heart is just so prone to wander away from the God that I love. I long so desperately to experience in full the reality of the truth that "better is one day in Your courts than a thousand elsewhere". I know that we often say that, but I know that I don't always live as if I believed that with all my heart.

I want Him to be my Everything...and I know that a big part of this dissatisfaction that I'm feeling is so that I would draw even deeper into intimacy with my Lord. It's His mercy that He would open my eyes and show me how even the best things in this world like friendship and laughter are all nothing compared to Him...I see that in my life, I still rely so much on other people as a source of delight and pleasure and I never realised how much I depended on them until the Lord started challenging me to just steal away for a season and tune out everything and seek His face.

It frustrates me and makes me so angry to see how deceitful my heart is...I LONG to spend more time with Him, but somehow I always find myself hanging out with friends...Even though I want so much more from Jesus than I have now, there's still that fleshly part of me that gets scared that if I truly let go of everyone and everything so that I can have more of Him, that I will wake up one day and realise that I'm all alone :( Most of the time when I hang out with friends, it's because I'm so scared of 'missing out' and really, that's not a good enough reason!!!

It's funny though...I feel so much better now after blogging about it...My emotions are still BLAHHHHHH, but at least my mind is no longer thinking, "You're so insignificant...no one cares about you". Haha, and at least I no longer feel like throwing something at peoples' heads and screaming at them. My mind is clearer now and I know that all this is an opportunity to really show God that I mean it when I pray, "Lord, all I am is Yours". I know that I'm not really leaving people and that I'm not really alone, all that He wants for me in this season is to experience even more deeper intimacy with Him but I can't because right now my life is so busy that I can't seek Him as much as I want to.

I'll be okay, because my God reigns and He is with me!!! He will help me to surrender and embrace Him so that I might consider all things a loss compared with the surpassing greatness of knowing Him. How I long to know You more, Lord! If it means giving up most of my social time so that I can experience more of You, then help me, my Jesus, to do this because I must have more of You. I must, I must, I must...there is a hunger inside of me that drives me to desperation and unless I have more of You, I will be trying to fill a void with worldly things that will never fill a Jesus-shaped vacuum.

"I said to the LORD, 'You are my Lord; apart from You I have no good thing.'" - Psalm 16:2

Oh my precious Jesus, may I know the sweetness of a life that is completely devoted to You...may I be moulded into an extravagent lovesick worshipper. May I know the joy of a life that is lived out of a heart that is one with Yours, where every step I take is walked in the deepest communion and intimacy with You. Take me deeper, no matter what the cost. Even if it hurts or sucks at first...I want to fly higher and higher with You, even if it means giving up everything I have...make me someone who doesn't even have to count the cost because I am so desperately in love with You. Help me to love You more!!! I want to love You more and more each day, my Lord!

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 15, 2009 at Wednesday, April 15, 2009 and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .


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