I am so touched by the comments that I've been receiving lately. Thank you, Eunice & Sharon for encouraging me so much and leaving me comments so that I would know that people actually read this little blog of mine :D


For the last two weeks, my emotions have been all over the place and I finally hit the bottom last Thursday. It was especially bad, and I don't know how it happened but by about midnight, I was convinced that God didn't really love me and it was a little weird but I actually couldn't even recall or remember all the ways that God had shown me His love in the past.

Anyways, I guess I reacted out of a place of hurt, anger and confusion...even though the "adult" me was trying to pull it all together, the little kid inside of me was just feeling so emotional that I ended up trying to "test" God's love for me by deliberately placing myself in a dangerous position. The whole time I was "daring" God to prove His love to me by rescuing me (yes, yes, I know, it wasn't the most mature thing to do, but that was where I was at the time and I'm just being honest about it) but He didn't seem to be reacting. He wasn't stopping me at all or rescuing me from the dangerous position I put myself in, and as time slowly crept by, I got more and more scared because I didn't know why He wasn't acting.

But, just when I gave up all hope of Him rescuing me, suddenly He started moving. First, He sent a good friend of mine to me, and that friend walked with me all around my neighbourhood while I raved and ranted all my frustration, anger and pain...he didn't have any answers for me, and to be honest, I don't really remember much of what he said, but I remember him being there next to me, and I remember feeling love that was coming not just from him, but from Jesus inside him too. Even in my pain and ugliness, I really did feel so accepted for who I am and not what I do. It was just so nice to have someone walk beside me and just be there because I've never really experienced that many times in my life.

We ended up walking and walking, and I just kept banging on about how I was so hurt and confused. I had so many questions, like 'why had I been broken so many times in my life', and 'why hadn't God intervened?' We walked through the city to the harbour where the sea was lit up by tiny lights on boats, and then from the harbour to the park. We just kept walking, and the more we walked, the more I felt God's presence wrapping around me, and at first I refused to acknowledge Him because what I wanted was not that He would comfort me but that He would change my circumstances. But slowly He kept embracing me, and by the time we walked onto the middle of an empty basketball court, I was too tired to fight against Him anymore.

We sat down and I was too tired to even sit up so I just flopped backwards and laid down, and it was just crazy because the sky was filled with so many stars. For those of you who don't live in Hong Kong, you probably don't understand the significance of this but where I live is right in the middle of the city so there are too many lights and too much POLLUTION to even see ONE star on most nights. There were so many stars that night though, and just when I thought the night was about as good as it could get, my friend and I suddenly saw a shooting star fly through the sky.

It was incredible. It was the first shooting star I'd ever seen, and not only that but, out of all the places I could have seen my first, I saw it in a place where you NEVER see any stars let alone shooting stars! I didn't realise the significance of seeing that shooting star until the next morning but when I realised it, I was so moved that I couldn't stop crying.

See, last year in Nepal, I prayed and asked God to let me see one shooting star so that I would know that He loves me, but He didn't. At the time, I really struggled a lot with this because I didn't understand why He wouldn't just show me one, and so this time when I saw the shooting star, it was as if God was saying, "I saved this shooting star for now because this was when you needed it the most. This shooting star is a symbol of how much I love you - that I would move the heavens and the earth to show you a visible sign that My heart is for you and that I will never leave you. I will not only protect you and keep you safe because I am your Father, but I will always go above and beyond what is required to woo and captivate your heart."

You know, I would have gone home and praised God just for sending my good friend to be with me and for protecting me that night, but He went ABOVE AND BEYOND what was His 'duty' and sent me an actual shooting star to tell me that He does love me. Even though I had to repent for how I had tried to test His love and for hurting Him, I really learnt that night that my God is a pursuing and relentless God.

I guess I still sometimes have issues with performance where I feel like He is only pleased with me when I respond to things in the 'right and mature way' all the time. Sometimes I still struggle with trying to 'earn' His love even though I know that nothing I do will ever be enough. I get scared sometimes that if I stop clinging to Him, He'll just let me go and I'll fall from His hand, but that night just showed me so clearly that even when I don't choose Him, even when I am acting like an immature, stupid kid, He will NEVER EVER let me go simply because I am His and He loves me. I don't have to put any pressure on myself to do this or do that, but I can just BE and rest in the assurance that my Father loves me and thinks I'm awesome.

This is an extravagent love that I just don't understand, but all I know is that when I encountered it, I know that nothing will ever satisfy me again except to have more and more of His love. I want to know how high, how deep, and how wide His love is for me. I don't want to just know it, but I want to experience it until the revelation becomes part of me and hidden in my heart. I was created for love and man, oh man, I praise my God that He is faithful, that He never fails, and that He is so kind, so merciful, so gracious and so full of love that there is nothing I could ever do to separate me from His love.

Because seriously, if everything depended on me...oh man...I would be screwed :)