Nostalgia...

I was going through my stuff in my room in Singapore earlier and I found a pink notebook from my past. In it was all the notes from friends in Thailand when I moved away in 1999 to Hong Kong. It made my heart so warm to read all those notes that were so full of love and encouragement, but at the same time, it was so bittersweet.

What happened that made me think that everyone hated me? Why didn't I ever keep in touch?

I can't for the life of me figure it out...when I left Thailand, it's like history rewrote itself and I couldn't remember the good times anymore. All I remembered was darkness...the hurts, the pains, the complete despair of feeling rejected, bullied, ashamed of who I was. Could the darkness have been so great in a little girl's life that she forgot all the happy memories? Or was it just a defense mechanism to help with the pain of leaving people behind?

I guess I'll never know...but what I know is this, finding that notebook and reading it was hard, but it is healing me. My name was not Rejected and I was not hated the way I thought I was. Most of all, I was not the complete monster that I thought I was. Yes, I was and still am a sinner, falling short of the glory of God, but I don't have to hate myself anymore. I don't have to punish myself for the mess of the past.

Everything is nailed to the Cross.

Thank You, Jesus.