I haven't been myself ever since I moved to Hong Kong last week.

It's so hard because everything that I am and all my strengths are what is considered a 'weakness' by society here. I wanted to fit in so badly and to feel like I belong that I started to hide who I was and pretend to be the more 'acceptable' version of me. Add to that the pain I felt when I was rejected by someone I cared so deeply about, and you have a recipe for disaster.

Honestly, on the surface, nothing really bad has happened. In fact, if you didn't look too closely, my smile and laughter could almost fool you, but look deeper and you'd see the growing emptiness and confusion inside me. I wish I could be cool and sophisticated, the way everyone seems to be here...but the truth is, I will never be anything other than a simple girl who loves her God more than anything in this world. I tried to hide my love for Him all this last week, not just in my words, but in my behaviour too, and by doing that, I hid myself because I'm really no longer the old me. He is my life, and He is me...when I hide Him, I hide myself.

But no more. All the fitting in and belonging in the world means nothing if I don't have Him by my side. I am so lost without Jesus.

I prayed and repented to God tonight...the truth is, ever since I got here, I had trusted in my position, wealth, beauty and charm to fit in and it has worked to a certain extent. But tonight I realised that really, the most beautiful thing about me is Jesus. Everything good about me IS Jesus. There is nothing good about me apart from Him.

I don't want to deny Him anymore.

Maybe I won't be one of the 'cool' kids or part of the in-crowd...but I know that in the last week, I have made so many friends and done really super 'cool' things, but everything in me feels like it's dying because every little choice I made was an act of turning my back on Jesus. Nothing is worth sacrificing my relationship with my Saviour.

I can't live without Him.