I took a walk down the beach tonight. There's something comforting about sitting on the sand in darkness, hearing the sound of the waves, staring at the lights in the distance and feeling the wind caressing you when you're feeling lonely and in pain. I was able to pour out my heart to God and ask Him where He is in all this pain, and tell Him how angry I am at Him for all the events in my life that have broken me and nearly killed me, without feeling scared that He's going to strike me down with a lightning bolt.

Deep down I know that He was with me the whole time and that He has a purpose and plan, but it felt good to finally be able to admit not just to Him, but to myself about how bitter I am about my past. Since I was little, the world has trained me to bury my anger because 'feeling anger is unacceptable' and it has resulted in depression and self-rejection. I'm realising now that until I acknowledge this part of me and bring it to God, He can't cleanse me and heal me.