My heart feels so broken and raw right now.

I don't really know what's going on, but ever since God started telling me to come fly with Him, everything I say seems to be hurting people. I feel like I'm on a completely different page to everyone, and I see things so clearly that sometimes it frustrates me when people don't see it.

As I was crying out to God just now, He reminded me of a prophecy that I received at DTS last year where someone said that they could see this house. Most of the people function in the basement and first floor of this house, but the Lord had chosen me to function in the top floors, and to have the ability to see doorways and staircases that no one else could see. He said that the Lord was choosing me to be someone who went ahead to prepare the way, to open doors for people and to lead them through them.

I guess I had totally forgotten that prophecy, but tonight when God reminded me of it, it really resounded in me. Something has changed in me in the last month, and suddenly I see things so differently from before...I have so much more faith, confidence and hope in every circumstance and this crazy peace that is so much more constant than it's ever been because I don't seem to see situations in the 'natural' anymore, but I can actually look upwards and see what God is doing, and even when I don't understand it, I have this joy and trust in knowing that He is so good.

It frustrates me so much though...I can see these open doorways that the Lord is so desperately wanting people to walk through because it is through these doorways that they will receive their healing and joy, but trying to point people there is like trying to describe colours to a blind man. I've never been able to see so clearly before (and I know that I'm not even seeing half of what the Lord is doing), and I don't know how to communicate everything the Lord has shown me in words...

I love people so much when I see them struggling, I want so much to help them to find those doorways because I've walked through them and found my peace, but everytime I try to show them, I end up saying things that upset them instead. *sigh* I don't know what to do. I've just been sitting here crying because I hate knowing that somehow even though I'm doing what God is asking me to do, I somehow must not be doing everything right because people are getting upset with me...I don't know...

All I know is that God has set me apart, and I'm a sort of forerunner...going ahead of people so that I can come back and show them the way...I just don't want people to get hurt while I'm trying to hear from God how to do this. God has been moving so fast in my life that I don't even know how I changed so much, so how do I even explain to people what happened?!?! Sometimes I think it's easier to just not even bother, but it doesn't work...I've given so much of my will over to Jesus that even when I've been hurt, trampled on, it's not even an option to get offended and bitter...I'm a prisoner to the Holy Spirit and His love inside me compels me to keep choosing Him again and again. His love in me keeps me picking up my cross again and again and He won't let me stop.

Tonight when I was sitting here pouring out my heart to my Love, I felt Him whisper, "When the world hates you, run into My arms" and I believe that this is my solution. Not to work out what to say or how to say things because all that will flow out of that relationship with Him. All I need is to keep crying out for more of Him because unless I learn how to live in the center of His embrace, I am so lost.

Oh Lord, what I had yesterday in the past is not enough for today or tomorrow...I cannot survive on what I had yesterday. I need more and more of You...I could get by on less of You before, but I am completely out of my depth, and unless I have Your arms wrapped around me, I don't even know how to take another step forward. I am nothing without You, my Lord, and my heart is so fragile, so sensitive, so tender...You are all I have, my Jesus...make my confidence in You unshakeable and impart to me a new boldness and fearlessness that I would be someone who is an influencer rather than influenced. Make me someone who can influence every conversation to glorify You rather than to just go with the flow. Increase Your presence within me and set me apart for Yourself, my Lord!

Oh Father, do whatever it takes to make me like the One I love, that the world would know that I belong to Him. May I be so one with You that everywhere I go, I would carry the fragrance of my sweet Jesus with me. May You receive all the glory that is due unto You from my life. Receive Your full inheritance in me, Lord. Teach me to live as Your daughter, and help me to never forget those who still live as though they do not have a Father because they do not know You.

I'm not the one who changes hearts and lives, but I am here, my Father, willing and available to You to use as You please. Even if it means being hurt everyday...Lord, as long as I have Your sweet presence wrapped around me, the purpose of my life and existence is complete. More of You, Lord, and less of me.