"But Zion has said, 'The LORD has forsaken me, the LORD has forgotten me.' 'Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of My hands.'" - Isaiah 49:14-16

Lately my eyes have slipped off the Lord and onto all the people all around me, and as I saw how God was using them, discontentment started breeding within me. Though a part of me rejoices when I see what He is doing with those around me, there is a question in my heart, 'Why not me?' and the more I refused to face this, the more this tiny question grew until it frustrated me even whilst my mind was focused on other things.

The Lord has spoken to me many times to be patient and that my time has not come yet, always bringing me back to that story of David and Saul and how even after David was anointed to be king of Israel, he still had to serve and wait to see the fulfilment of God's promise to Him. In fact, when Samuel went to anoint the further king of Israel, not only did Samuel think it was Eliab because of the way he looked, his family did not think David was even worthy enough to be brought before Samuel.

I know what God has spoken to me about the plans He has for my life, and what glorious plans they are! There has been so many different individuals who don't know me prophesying the same things over my life, and it has frustrated me because I am so impatient and I want to see everything NOW!!! But that's not the way He works, and as I sat with Him earlier, He was showing me that it wasn't so much that I wanted to be used by Him right now, but rather I wanted to be used by Him so that people would see what He has placed within me, so that I would have confirmation of what He has told me He would do in my life.

That was when I realised that all this is because I did not really believe! I wanted signs to confirm that He really would do all those cool things in my life, but He's trying to tell me right now that it's not whether people 'recognise' it or that I'm seeking out opportunities to 'develop' the gifts He has given me, but it's about His faithfulness to fulfill every promise He has ever spoken to me! Those who hope in the Lord will never be put to shame.

Even if I don't see even the slightest fulfillment of His promises in the next ten years, will I still hold on and believe? He was reminding me of Joseph earlier, that even with all the dreams Joseph had, it was a long journey and walk before he saw the fulfilment, and man, when he was in prison, he must've been like, 'What is going on?!?!?!' Oh Lord, have mercy on me and help me to hold on to hope and to cling to Your promises, even if everyone I know is serving you in these great ways and I'm not...yet. I know that I will one day, for Your word is true and it always stands.

I really praise God for showing this all to me just now, because the truth is, with all this discontentment, even though I desire more intimacy with Him, what I desire more right now is to be used by Him. It was pretty humbling to have to admit that but I know that only He can change my desires and bring me back to that place of deep communion with Him...there's nothing I can do to change this deceitful heart of mine!

I do...I miss Him so much. He still speaks so much, and I still spend so much time with Him, but I'm missing the sweetness and joy of just BEING with Him. I miss the days when He would interrupt whatever I was doing just to say that He loved me and that He desired me. I miss the days when our intimacy was more important to me than who I am and what I do.

Lord, bring me back to that place once again!!! Be my one desire and passion! Jesus, You are a Jealous God and a consuming fire...consume all the other loves in my life apart from You. I can't bear to live without that sweetness of communion with You. I pray not that You would restore that passion to what it was before, but I pray that out of this dry season, the result would be more passion, more desire, more fire for You.