It's so cool!

Today I finally stepped out in faith and spoke about what God had been saying to me over the last 2 months, and it started the wheels into motion. Nothing has changed physically around me, but everything within me has. A few hours ago, I was completely overwhelmed with fear, terrified about what the future would hold, afraid of being disappointed, scared of being humiliated, and most of all, petrified that I had heard everything wrongly. There's nothing I fear more than to hope and then be disappointed, and when I stepped out in faith today, suddenly it was like God's word and promises just might actually be fulfilled, and the possibility of it actually coming true terrified me, because I knew I would be so crushed if it didn't. I've always been the kind of person who rather not pursue anything that meant anything to her because it hurts too much to be disappointed.

But as I read through my blog tonight (when I should be doing my assignments *slaps head* stupid, stupid! Why is it already 4:35am?), I was just so struck by His faithfulness, His committment to seeing me succeed and blossoming into the life that He has planned for me. And now everything within me is still. The anxiety and voices of doubt has been silenced. So I stood in the middle of the room and declared, "Yes, Lord, I believe. If I'm wrong, then may I be humble enough to say that I heard wrongly, but until then, Lord, I believe. Fulfill Your promise to me."

You know what? I take myself far too seriously, and God not seriously enough. I want to have the kind of faith that believes so strongly that even if I 'hear wrongly', that my God is bigger than that and that He is ALWAYS in control. My mistakes will never cancel out His sovereignty!!! So often I hold back because I'm scared of looking stupid, but my prayer is that I can be the sort of person who doesn't mind falling flat on her ass (yes, I said, 'ass') and looking foolish for God.

Ahhhh...it's so much more peaceful now to be at that place where I can say with conviction, "Yes, I believe. I believe!" and at the same time, "Lord, help me to believe!!!"