I was thinking tonight that maybe I was beyond redemption. Maybe I've just been so broken and shattered by the world that there's no hope for piecing together my heart because it has been stomped on so much and ground into a powder that no glue can make whole. I've forsaken all the good things and people in exchange for that which will take me straight to the hell that God brought me out of last year.
Then I heard Peter Orasuk's testimony on how God saved him from dying as a drug addict and spending eternity in hell. As I listened to it while lying in my bed, I did everything I could, surf other websites, fix my nails, whatever I could to deny the truth of what he was saying. But I couldn't. To carry on wallowing in my guilt and shame away from God, instead of reaching out to Him for forgiveness would be denying the power of Jesus's blood. I really believed that God could not and would not want to love someone like me. But could I really be that arrogant as to believe that Jesus's blood could not save me? No, I can't. And if He can save Peter Orasuk, then He can save me too.
I keep waiting to hit rock bottom because I believed that it was the only way that any lasting change would happen. But each time I fall, my definition of 'rock bottom' sinks lower, and I am so scared of how low it could go. Do I really have to lose everything before I am broken enough to be different? I am so tired, so so tired of fighting this battle. This constant war. I've been trying to get sober for 4 years now, and for the last 2, I've had Jesus on my side...so why am I still not different? Why must I be so stubborn and cling to all the things that are so bad for me?
God, I've reached the end of what I can do. I am so weary, so exhausted, You have to take over. No one understands. No one is filling this emptiness inside me. Alcohol feeds the emptiness inside me for a while, but when I sober up, the emptiness multiplies. Jesus, teach me to find joy in You. I thought that I was becoming a different person over the last month...but after this weekend, I feel like I'm still the same old me. What's the use in trying when I just end up disappointing everyone around me?
I believe You will save me, God. I guess I just have to start believing that You aren't just 'going' to save me, but that You already have, and are saving me right now at this very moment. Be with me in this dark, endless night, my Father, and give me the courage to stare at my sin straight in its evil eyes and watch it get washed away.
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7 comments
i prayed for you last night!!!
and you are NOT alone! NEVER NEVER NEVER!!!
god says - "i will never leave you nor forsake you" (hehe thats me too!)
but notice each time u come bac to god u grow STRONGER in him? more than ever? come on!!! fight it fight it! *punch punch, kick kick!!* :D
sometimes it can feel like the MOST tiring struggle EVER... and u wonder when its gonna end.. i know because i prayed throughout the last 3-4 years for my skin to heal, and it never completely did, but now - hey, that battle is over!!! i didnt think i was strong enough, but it wasnt by my grace or completely by my works. god has wonnnn and pulled me out! ive pulled thru, and SO WILL U TOO!!
let me end by leaving you with this question:
if god let you win this battle so easily, wouldnt you take him for granted so much more? now that you need him so much, isn't he worth so much more to you?
now that youve got so hurt from it... dont u have a greater desire to help others who have this problem too? this can be your greatest ministry or your worst enemy, if you let it be.
im so proud of all youve been thru! because i know something so great is expected to happen to you!! I will never stop loving you or being there for you.
2/06/2007 12:12 AM
Sweet Lily, allow God in, all the way. He sees EVRYTHING already there is nothing you can hide from Him. Don't feel ashamed before Him any longer. Let Him do the surgery in your heart that He is longing to do - it will be painful. Surgery ALWAYS is, but He can remove all the dead things there. Give in to Him completely. Praying for you always!
2/06/2007 10:07 PM
You're never too far down for God to come and swoop you back up. I pray you find the strength in Him to beat this thing that holds you down.
2/09/2007 1:43 PM
Don't forget the deeper the valley you have been in the greater the blessing when he brings you out.
2/18/2007 5:09 AM
It is amazing to see God constantly seeking us out, even if we don't want to be found.
There is no such thing as too far from God to return to his warm embrace. Stay strong :)
2/20/2007 7:17 AM
Lily in the Valley, do not be discourage when you fall time and again. Sometimes, God transforms lives in a flash.. sometimes it takes much longer. We are all work in progress, never fully perfect until we see our Saviour face to face.
Even though you think you've disappointed ppl when you sin and your situation seems hopeless , remember that God can use every experience in our lives for His perfect plan. You may not be a perfect Christian (no one is), but your life has already been an encouragement for many of us.
We need not be perfect to shine for Jesus.
Remember that God can use anyone, regardless of our past. In 2 Cor 4:7, it says that God has entrusted us(jars of clay) with the gospel(treasure)..such that we acknowledge His all surpassing power.
2/22/2007 12:36 AM
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