There is this cold iciness that's gripping my heart and creeping along my stomach. The guilt, the shame, the horror eating away at me as it usually does when the numbness starts to thaw a few days after a fall. In a world full of colour, my world is surprisingly black and grey right now. Even lights seem darker and sounds seem further away.

My friend is trying to find ways to stop feeling so crushed after things fell apart with the guy she just met, but I can see the futility of her thinking and plans. I can only see this because I have done all the things that she's planning to do, and I know that they bring only death and not life or joy. Everything has no meaning and nothing will take away the hurt apart from God. I find myself so easily persuaded by our little conversations and I know that in our friendship, we are nothing but a bad influence on each other. I wish that I had been a better friend and a better influence on her...even though I'm a fairly new Christian just like her, I should've known better than to have taken our socialising into bars and clubs.

I am so weak. I listened before when people told me to start trusting in myself more and to be more strong, but honestly, the only time I stood firm in the face of temptation was when I was depending wholeheartedly on God and not putting an ounce of faith in myself. HE is my hope. HE is my salvation. Without Him, I would just keeping falling and falling. Would it be strong to distance myself from my friend because I know we're a bad influence on each other? I don't think she would understand and I'm pretty sure she'd say I'm being 'one of those Christians' so it scares me, but I want this year to be different. I want permanent long-lasting change.