A Lily Among The Thorns

8 days!!!

2010-07-17T15:08:00.002+08:00

8 days till I get married!

Time has flown by so incredibly fast and I can barely keep up! Who would've thought that when I first started this blog in August 2006 as an outlet for all my emotions while going through recovery for alcohol abuse, that only 4 years later, I would be getting married!!! Wow, God is so good.

The last 9 months since Damian and I have gotten together have been some of the best months of my life, as well as some of the hardest times. God has been doing an intense cleaning and refining in me, and bringing up lots of unresolved pain from the past in preparation for marriage. Things have definitely accelerated so fast that there were times I wasn't sure that I could keep up. All in all though, God has not only proven Himself to be faithful time and time again, but He has also given me such a wonderful and patient man to walk through the whole process with me.

Sometimes I sit on my couch and am so overwhelmed as I think, "Who am I? Who am I that my God should bless me so much?" My cup is overflowing with His love, and even though I am so often blind and deaf, His love and great mercy to me is evident everywhere I turn.

I was reading John 13:1-17 the other day, and I remembered a vision I saw a long time ago of Jesus washing my feet. It was the most amazing thing, slightly awkward and uncomfortable as I saw the great I AM washing my feet (initially I kept telling Him that I didn't want Him to, that I should be the one washing His feet), but definitely so beautiful. There was this look of love in His eyes that was so passionate and full of delight that it went straight into my heart and pierced it. I was so moved at the love that my God had for me, and never had I seen such a gaze of love in anyone's eyes before. He was looking at me as if I was the most beautiful and treasured person in the whole world.

As I remembered this vision, I was suddenly reduced to tears as I realized something. Since the time I saw that vision, I HAVE seen this look again. I see this look in Damian's eyes during intimate moments when the world just stops and stands still as we gaze into each others' eyes. He looks at me with the same eyes that I saw in my beautiful Lord. How can words even begin to describe all the emotions that I was feeling at this moment? How could I, the one who was so despised, broken, and full of sin, be the same one that He has chosen to bestow such riches upon???

I am in awe of the great mercy and compassion of my Lord. That He would choose to allow me to see a glimpse of His love through Damian everyday and show me how precious and treasured I am to Him...wow, He really does bring us from glory to glory!!!

I am so excited to enter into marriage next week Sunday :) Damian has definitely been the greatest gift God has ever given me after Himself, and even though it has been hard at times as Damian and I have had to battle to stand firm in His word when He was dredging up a lot of shame in me from my past, I know that life will just keep getting better and better because we are with Him! Our joy is not dependent on our circumstances around us or the storms in our lives, but when we are in Him and growing closer to Him everyday, life becomes such an adventure! I just can't wait to experience more and more of His love in the days to come, and I am overjoyed at having Damian and many wonderful loved ones to share all this with!

I will see Him in his eyes...

2010-04-05T22:49:00.004+08:00

I still can't believe that I'm getting married in July!!!

As I sat here spending time with Him tonight, I couldn't stop crying because His love was touching me in the deepest places of my heart. I remembered a memory from May last year on Mother's Day when I had shared with a group of people about the shame and guilt from my past. I was received with so much love that night, and a really good friend of mine had spoken words over me. He prayed that as I walked down the aisle on my wedding day, that I would know that my husband is not thinking about my past at all, but that as I looked into his eyes, there would so much love and delight in them that I would see Father God gazing at me through him.

During that night, I had hoped that this would be true one very distant day in the future, but I had never really dared to believe that it really was possible. I didn't even know how Damian felt about me until a few months later, but somehow God has just done one miracle after another to bring us together. I would never have thought that I could experience a love like this on earth.

Tonight, as He whispered into my ears of what my friend had prayed on Mother's Day, I was overcome with emotion as I suddenly realized that it has all come true. I know that I know that I KNOW, that when I walk down that aisle on July 25th, I will see Damian standing there gazing at me with so much love, and I will experience a taste of just how much my God loves me. I still can't believe this is all happening to me...

About a year and half ago, God spoke to me and promised me that He would give me a husband who would love me the way that He loves me, and that through him, I would come to a deeper and fuller revelation of Jesus' love for me. He is so good to me that I don't even know what to say! Everyday, as I walk with Damian and see the ways that he loves me, I sometimes feel like Jesus is there in the flesh loving me. I see my God, alive, living and breathing inside of my Damian, and I am in awe. Damian is this little jar of clay carrying the spirit of the Almighty God and what a wonder it is to witness the power of His love flowing through Damian.

I am honoured, blessed and so privileged to be spending the rest of my life with my Damian, the one that my God has chosen for me. :)

The valley

2009-11-30T10:14:00.002+08:00

My God is so good to me, and I am so blessed.

4 days ago, I blogged about Psalm 45:11 and how God had been telling me that He thinks I'm so beautiful. I don't know how, but I just knew that He was affirming me overtime because there was something that was coming that He wanted me to face. I asked Him what it was, and He avoided the question and asked instead if I would go deeper with Him even if it was painful, because He is the Faithful One who will not leave me. Of course I said yes.

The next day in my morning prayers with Damian (he and I have been meeting together in the mornings to pray together ever since we became official), he said that he felt it was time for me to share with him about my past. I agreed because I immediately knew that this was what God had been telling me about the night before.

There's been a lot of darkness in my life before I met Jesus...I made a lot of bad decisions, but there was also a lot of abuse and pain. Before Damian and I got together, we always knew that we would one day have to talk about all of this, because our own fears about it occasionally would come between us. He had a lot of fears because he knew that there was a lot of darkness in my life, but he didn't know what it was, and for me, I was always terrified that if he knew the truth about my past, that he would leave me. Anyways, we have always talked about how we are desiring not just that perfect unity and oneness with God but also with each other, and we knew that in order for us to have this, we wouldn't be able to have any dark corners and closed doors in our hearts. But, we both always dreaded this day because we knew it would be very painful.

On Friday we cleared our schedules and went to the beach where I shared with him an overview about my past. It was really painful for me because so many of the memories that I had tried to suppress over the years all came back up, and more than that, the shame and guilt rose up and caused me to doubt at times whether I really am who God says I am. There were a lot of tears, and I know that Damian was feeling a lot of pain as well and that his heart was so broken over everything that had happened.

I was so thankful though, because whenever I thought of that day, I always pictured him leaving, but what happened instead was that he just held me so tight and told me that he loved me. I know that God was just pouring His healing love into me at that moment. You know, I know that God is a God of love and grace, but it just amazed me so much to see that Damian, a human, could be so in touch with God's heart that he showed me so much love and grace too, even in the moment of his pain. That boy never ceases to amaze me.

I wish I could say that we received total healing that day but we didn't. The healing has begun, but it is a process and the pain comes in waves. God did promise us before all this that as we walked through this valley, He would be with us and bring us through into an even greater and more glorious light. Damian and I feel so broken right now...our emotions are so raw and my heart feels so shattered. But it's so cool because the Body of Christ has really been there for both of us, and we have felt their hands of love wrapped around us, ministering the love of the Father into our hearts. I'm so thankful for the Body!

Psalm 34:11 says, "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." and it is so true. Even though I am so emotionally drained at the moment and I have barely enough energy to do anything, I have felt His presence so close to me. When I was worshipping at church on Saturday night, I felt Him touch me and I was filled with so much joy because He was so real and so near to me in a way that I've only really experienced during times of brokenness. And last night at the Sunday service, I was feeling so tired and weary and was crying through the worship set, but by the end of the service, as we sang the lyrics, "When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say, blessed be the name of the Lord" I used all the strength that was left in me to stand up, raise my hands to Him and tell God, "Yes, I choose You!"

It was so incredible!!! It suddenly made me realise that it's so cool that in times when I'm standing on the mountain tops, I get to praise His name out of the overflow of love and joy. But in that moment, I was so broken and weary, and I got to give back to Him and praise Him out of my brokenness and emptiness, and somehow I just knew that He was so pleased. It suddenly struck me that it's so beautiful when broken people who are facing difficult circumstances still choose to put their faith in Him and declare that He is good! It's like the Widow's Offering in Luke 21:1-4, and I was so full of joy as I realised that even in my brokenness, His heart is STILL moved by me as I choose Him.

I am so blessed!!! This time is tough and it hurts to face all those memories, and even more, it is painful to see Damian in pain, but I want to treasure this time with God, because I know that He is taking us so much deeper into Him and with each other. Something so beautiful is going to be birthed through this, and I know that we will look back at this time as something so precious that we wouldn't trade it for anything. He is so glorious and so beautiful, and I know that He's doing all this to give us more freedom, more healing, more deliverance so that we can come even closer to Him.

I love Him so much!

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." - Psalm 23:4

And this blog post just wouldn't be complete without me saying, I love you so much, Damian :) Thank you for walking through this with me and sharing in my pain. I know that when we get through this, our love, joy and healing will be multiplied! You are the only one for me!

A new perspective on freedom

2009-11-26T00:57:00.004+08:00

God has been speaking to me lately about what true freedom is. I used to think that freedom meant being able to do what whatever I want to do, but He was showing me that there is an even deeper freedom that goes beyond the freedom to do be able to do anything.

He told me that true freedom is actually the stripping of all things that hinder our communion with Christ, so that every choice and decision we make is good, righteous and holy. Just like Adam and Eve could only choose good when they were in the garden (apart from the one choice to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil), He wanted to free me from everything that prevented me from knowing only His light and goodness. He wanted me to know only good and He desired to give me the freedom of being so filled with Him that I was unable to choose sin and wickedness.

I don't really understand what it means that I am His! I realised when He was speaking all this to me that He was trying to show me a deeper revelation of what it means that my life, heart and all that I am is His, to the point that it is not even my concern that He is mine and I am His, but that first and foremost, my foundational understanding of relating to Him stems from "I am HIS and His desire is for me". I do not make claims on Him or even His blessings and provision, for I understand that everything that He has is mine, and so I can just concern myself only with how to please Him for His desire is for me, and to know that as I live for Him, His heart is moved with pleasure and delight.

He must increase, and I must decrease. I must become completely His, seeking only His will and glory, forsaking all thoughts and concern for myself. This is not a scary thing, because He knows that when I lose myself, I will find myself in Him and we will be one. Then I will find myself not in my previous state (no matter how good it was), but I will find myself united in His glory and love. I will share in and partake of His divine nature and experience a glory that was never seen in my previous state where 'self' ruled. This glory is His, and it comes as I give myself over completely to Him, and in the perfect freedom that only He can give, I am able to become a living, breathing vessel of His love that can be poured out as an offering to Him and to the nations.

Oh Lord, may Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven! May it be done to me as You have said! I desire You, and I choose to empty myself of all that I am, so that I might have all of You for You alone will satisfy the longings of my heart. I praise You that Your heart is moved by me, and that as I delight myself in You, You free me even more to sing higher praise to You!

Psalm 45:11

2009-11-26T00:18:00.004+08:00

The Lord has been teaching me so much about what it means to love in humility and selflessness, and in the last week, I have been so convicted of how far I fall short. It has been really painful to come face to face with the reality of where I am. But, our Lord is such a merciful and kind God, and even whilst His Spirit was working in me to convict me of selfishness and pride, He was singing over me and telling me that I am beautiful.

The whole of last week, He kept speaking the verse, "The King is enthralled by your beauty" (Psalm 45:11) to me over and over, but it was so hard for me to actually believe it because of what He was showing me about my heart. It was so cool though, because at our small group on Sunday night, we prophesied over each other, and the words that I got were about how He just delights in my beauty, and that when He looks at me, He only sees me as that beautiful, radiant bride. I was so touched because He was confirming His word to me through people who had no idea of what He had been speaking to me during the week.

Yesterday was a little tough because I was struggling a little and I was just feeling so much shame. I woke up this morning and was feeling so sad because I felt so separated from Him, but immediately, I heard His voice so clearly saying, "The only thing that is hindering our fellowship right now is YOUR refusal to come to Me. You don't have to beat yourself up because I died!"

It just shook me right out of my despair over the state of my heart, and immediately I approached Him and asked Him to come. As I confessed to Him all the things that were bothering me, His presence just came and wrapped all around me, and as the tingles and shivers travelled through my body, I just knew that He was hugging me. I felt so loved in that instant and His love flooded through me and removed all my negative emotions.

But you know, our God is not just a good God, but He really is an EXTRAVAGENT God of love, and as I met Damian for lunch today, he handed me a letter that told me that he agreed with God that I am beautiful! I really felt like God was reminding me that He really does think I am so beautiful, and that even Damian thinks that too! And as if that's not enough, when I listened to my music on the way home from school, I put on a CD I haven't really heard before, and the song that came on was from an Intercessory Worship CD called "Ravished" and the lyrics were all about how "the King greatly desires your beauty" (Psalm 45:11 in the NKJV), "you have ravished My heart, My sister, My bride", "you are all-beautiful and there is no spot within you" and the part that just moved me so much was when the the singer on the CD started speaking, and he said something along the lines of, "I know that you are weak, I understand your immature love, but I remember that you said 'Yes' and even your weak glance moves My heart. You are the joy of My desire."

How amazing is our God??? It's so amazing how He just went out of His way to make sure that not a hint of shame would remain in my heart! Even as He is washing me with His word to remove every blemish from me, He is building me up and affirming me with His declarations of who I am to Him and in Him. He's been telling me not to despair over what I see, for I only see the temporal but He sees eternity, and He sees the eternal beauty and glory which I will have because I am hidden in Christ and He dwells in me! He is not worried at what He sees in me because He knows where I will end up, and He knows that on the day that Christ comes for His bride, that I will be like Him and be radiant in His glory!

He is truly a God who knows how to romance His people! He kept telling me that He really wants me to give Him full reign in my heart, and that He wants me to go deeper with Him because He is desiring ALL of me. He is so hungry to have all of me and for me to be filled to the measure of ALL the FULLNESS of God! It feels so amazing to be wanted and desired by Him. The most amazing thing is that when He shows me how much He loves me and is passionate for me, instead of taking Him for granted, His longing for me stirs up a desire in me to give myself completely to Him, to hold nothing back but to surrender and abandon all that I am in lovesick worship.

Oh, how marvellous is our God! Truly, there is no One like Him!!!!

We are official!

2009-11-10T22:48:00.003+08:00

Something beautiful has happened to me...

For the longest time God has been unfolding His love story with me, and in the last year, He has been writing a beautiful earthly romance that has turned my world upside-down. I haven't been blogging since August because it was around this time that He chose to start unveiling and revealing all that He has been doing and it wasn't appropriate at that time to share that with everyone.

But now I can!

But I don't even know where to start...

I guess I'll start with where I am now and hopefully backtrack and tell the full story from the beginning over the next few months.

So as of 29th of October, 2009, Damian and I are now officially together!

The rest of the story to come soon...

He sees the budding virtues

2009-07-21T19:33:00.003+08:00

Over the last 4 months, God has been putting me through the fire, doing open-heart surgery to remove deep-rooted issues and it has been so painful. It has been difficult to ward off discouragement, and even last night, I felt so much anguish that I am still not where I want to be.

Today I spent the day avoiding God, so ashamed that I keep failing Him over and over. I was so distracted and bothered that nothing could keep my attention until I went hunting through my drawers and found an old journal. It was the journal that I kept during the year that I first received the Lord. As I read it, I couldn't stop weeping as I saw that even in all my struggles and powerlessness, He really saw all the desires in my heart back then and He has more than fulfilled what I once dreamt of.

Now I have new dreams of higher levels and a deeper hunger for intimacy with Him, but I can see that He has been so faithful...that even in the midst of the darkness that I came from, He had been planting seeds in my heart, seeds that have blossoming. I am in another season now where He is weeding and uprooting, and I know that even though I might not understand things, just like in the past, I can have confidence that even in the light of seeing all my weaknesses, He knows what He is doing and that He will never fail me.

I really want to attach to this blog post a copy of a poem that I wrote a month before I was saved. I had been going to church for about 4 months by then, but I was still very much deep into the drugs, drinking and self-destructiveness. I was so moved when I found it because I could see so clearly how far God has taken me.

I am not satisfied with the place that I am in right now, but thank God I am not in the place I used to be!

"Blinded, the darkness floods
the torch in my heart,
Crying, gurgling in despair and pain,
I drown in the River of the Night.

Father, You are faithful and true,
You deliver a glimmer of light,
A spark of hope. A shimmer of sunshine
at the surface of the water guiding me.

I swim upwards, eyes focused on You.
Escaping the corpses in the deep cold,
Shivering, tainted to my bones,
You ignite my spirit, warmth radiating from Your love.

Keep my fire burning, Father,
Extinguish my doubts and fear.
I want to depend on You,
Engulfed in Your magnificent love and joy.

I relinquish control, with You I will never sink.
Purchased at a price, my life is Yours.
How could I have been so faithless,
Destroyed by the disease of the world.

Father, I long to be with You,
Everlasting peace, a stream of joy,
An ocean of eternal love.
Unworthy, and yet I was chosen.

I will take Your hand and trust You,
With You I can soar..."

I am just so amazed...I wrote this at a time when I did not know any Christians, had not said any Sinner's Prayer, NO ONE had even taught me the 'language' to communicate with God...and yet, He took care of me, revealed Himself to me and taught me everything that I know today.

There was no Body of Christ back then to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and minister Christ's love to me. Christians shunned me and wanted nothing to do with me, and yet, He had compassion on me and bent down from heaven to clothe me and comfort me Himself.

I am comforted. I always thought that I 'love' God now, but I didn't back then...but how merciful He is that in my time of discouragement, He would show me my heart, so that I would know that even though my actions didn't match my desires back then, He still saw those budding virtues that He had planted in me. He is my God, my Gardener, the One who made all those seeds grow and I know that He will take me even higher from here.

Created for love

2009-07-08T14:44:00.003+08:00

The longer I live in this world, the more I am convinced that we really are all just little children who've been made for love. Pride puffs us up and we want to think we are so strong, so intelligent, so self-sufficient...that we don't need God or anyone and that we can do it all ourselves. But I look around me, and everywhere I look, I see signs that point to the truth that we have been created to be so little, so weak, so vulnerable, because we were created to be loved.

We were never meant to experience all the horrors and pains of this world. I was reading the papers today about war and I was so struck by how we like to think that we can separate our hearts from the rest of ourselves and 'get the job' done...but the reality is that men who go to war come back changed from the emotional and psychological toll that it takes on their hearts. I was reading about men who go to war but cry out for their mothers with their dying breath and men who come back from war and kill their wives and themselves, and I am even more convinced that we really are created to be loved.

Look around us...look at what happens when people are not loved. The abused becomes the abuser, the used becomes the user, and this self-perpetuating vicious cycle goes on and on. We don't want to admit that we really ARE that weak and helpless, and that there are so many things that happen that are beyond our control, and that we really do need God to depend on and take care of us.

It's funny...I started out this blog post thinking that it was our pride that kept us from admitting that we need God to help us, but as I started writing, I suddenly saw this vision of all these little kids running around scared. There was so much fear because they all thought that they were orphans and that they had to look after themselves and protect themselves. This fear made them all look out for "number one" and not care too much about who they step upon or trample on, because "in this life, if you don't take care of yourself, no one else will".

What lies we believe about God...that He's not good enough to really protect and take care of us if we truly trust Him and relinquish control. I know that I still believe so many of these lies...I know, because God keeps unravelling these lies one layer at a time, and I am shocked each time at the 'lies' that have been 'truths' that I have believed for so long that I never even questioned them. And you know what?!?!?!

Everytime God exposes one of the lies, I suddenly receive revelation of Him and I am just blown away by how good and merciful and kind He is. I always knew He was good and kind...but the more He reveals to me, the more I realise that He is so above and beyond the goodness that I can even fathom. He is so much more good, loving, kind, compassionate, gentle and amazing than I could even imagine before!!!

Oh God, breathe on me and cause my heart to know the depth, width, length and height of Your love!

Ministering to Him

2009-06-30T17:45:00.004+08:00

He's been speaking to me a lot lately about what it means to minister to Him...to be honest, I don't really know anything about this. I've never really heard about this, but when Janet talked to me about this on Sunday, it struck a chord in me because the Lord has been telling me for the longest time about how my ministry is first and foremost to Him. I've been asking Him to teach me so that I would know what it means because I just don't understand how I, a mere human could possibly minister to the heart of God.

Today while I was spending time with Him, He spoke to me.

"You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride;
you have stolen my heart
with one glance of your eyes,
with one jewel of your necklace.
How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride!
How much more pleasing is your love than wine,
and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice!
Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride;
milk and honey are under your tongue."
Song of Songs 4:9-11

He told me that this passage is the truth of what happens when I look at Him. He really is overwhelmed and moved by love whenever I turn my glance and fix it upon Him. That is me ministering to His heart! All I have to do is incline my eyes upon His beauty and set my heart upon Him, praising and worshipping Him in adoration. That is my ministry unto Him!

It got me so excited because I realized that this makes such a difference for me. Even in so-called "unanointed times" or in seasons where I feel so dry when I'm spending time with Him, I can have confidence in this: that everytime I whisper His name and look at Him, His heart is moved with pleasure! Even if I might not 'feel' anything in that moment, the truth is that I can bring pleasure to the heart of my God when I love Him! How cool is that???

He really, really enjoys us! He's not stern and angry, but so, so, so kind and merciful and so full of joy! He doesn't expect anything from us...He knows exactly how we were made, and He is so humble that even though He is King, He doesn't force us to worship Him. And so when we freely choose to worship and exalt Him, He is so moved!

It's like when we expect people to meet our needs, then suddenly no matter how much they give, it's never enough. But when we stop putting our expectations on people, then every act of love they do for us is suddenly so precious!

I was listening to Dana Candler from IHOP speaking earlier, and she said that what struck her so much was that when Jesus walked here on earth, even though He was the most rejected man ever, His heart was so open and so full of love. Even as people betrayed Him and rejected Him, He was still loving them without any bitterness because He had no pride or arrogance in Him. All He had was goodness and kindness. Then she said something that blew my mind. She said something along the lines of if that was how Jesus loved when He was being rejected, then can you imagine how much He is moved with pleasure when we receive Him and LOVE Him with all our hearts?!?!?! That blows my mind!

My God enjoys me!!! As I was praying, I could feel His eyes watching me, and it was like there was this spotlight shining down from heaven upon me. He was looking at me so intently as if there was nothing else to look at, and it was quite uncomfortable at first. But then suddenly He reminded me that He already sees all of me and He is so pleased with me!

So I just flopped backwards and looked back at Him and cried out, "Search me and know me, my God, so that I might know You! Here I am...delight in me!"

And you know what? It wasn't even scary because I know that there is nothing in me that is too ugly for Him. He will never turn away in disgust and run away from me! But instead, He lovingly and attentively moulds me and paints every detail of His character upon my heart :)

Audience of One

2009-06-30T17:28:00.003+08:00

Yesterday at the House of Prayer, Jesus was speaking to me on what it means to live my life before Him, before my Audience of One.

He said to me, "All day long, I wait upon you, My beloved. I wait for the glance of your eyes to look My way, and when you do, My heart is moved and overwhelmed. I would wait a thousand years for you, My love, and I would not move from your side because that is how much I love you and long for you. You delight My heart and I am filled with joy when I look upon you."

I was so broken before Him because when I heard His tenderness and love, I knew that every word that He spoke was true. That He follows me everywhere I go, waiting for me to acknowledge Him, and most of the time I am too 'busy' and distracted by everything else. I was so sad to know that even though I am so important to Him, I don't treat Him like the King that He is.

But He said, "Beloved, I am patient. I am kind. I do not force but I draw you deeper by the power of My love and not by your strength. I am watching you and I am captivated by your beauty." With those words, He revived me again in the hope that one day, one day, I will be everything that He died for me to be. That it won't just be a concept but actual reality. Oh, how I long for the day when I am in the deepest communion with Him and there is no more separation...that whether I am washing the dishes or eating my dinner, I would know experientially that He is there with me, loving me in every moment.

He knows me

2009-06-30T17:19:00.002+08:00

I am absolutely loving my time at the House of Prayer.

I was originally supposed to stay in Penang to serve at a drop-in center for homeless people with YWAM, but because I was so homesick, I ended up going home to Singapore. I was quite bummed at first when I made that decision, because I really wanted to give this summer to the Lord and serve Him. I'd been praying about this summer since last year, so I was sad that I was going to 'miss out' on what the Lord had for me.

But when I made the decision to come home, I really felt like this was the right decision, and I had a lot of peace about it. The Lord even spoke to me and said that He had something for me in Singapore. However, at the time, I was a little doubtful because I thought that was my own flesh talking to try and comfort me at 'bailing out'. But here I am in Singapore having a BLAST being in His house and spending my summer worshipping and crying out to Him!

He really knows me so well...He was speaking to me on Saturday that He really saw my heart and how much I wanted to give myself to Him this summer, and He knew that I would've served at that drop-in center if He had told me to. But, He told me that He knows how I am made, and He knows the deepest desires of my heart, so He wanted to place me in an environment where I am released in all my dreams and giftings! How awesome is that?!?!

Honestly, there is nothing I love better than being in His house of prayer. If they were 24/7, I don't think I would ever go home apart from to shower and get a change of clothing! He knows me better than I know myself! I would've really enjoyed serving at the drop-in center, but seriously, there is nothing that makes my heart sing like being in His house of prayer!!!!!! I didn't even know this place existed until after I had made my decision to go home!

He planned every step of the way and took even my homesickness into account :) I am so happy! He is such a good and joyful God!

The dance floor

2009-06-30T16:20:00.002+08:00

When I was at the House of Prayer on Saturday, I saw the following vision.

I saw a ballroom full of people, and all of us were standing on the sides, looking at the empty dance floor. Then Prince Jesus walked up to me and asked me to dance. I didn't know how to dance, but He wasn't worried. "Follow Me," He said and so I did. He led and I responded and together we dance and twirled and looked so good together.

He said to me, "Out of a crowd of people, I would choose you. Beloved, it has always been you. You have always been the one for Me." (I know that He was speaking this not just to me, but to all of us who are His.)

Then I heard Him say, "Wait for Me. Do not grow weary but watch and wait, for I will surely come. I will surely come for you and bring you home with Me. I have not forgotten you but My heart is ravished by you. I will come for you. I will not tarry but I will come for you."

He impressed it so strongly upon my heart that He will come for me, and it moved me so much to remember once again that this life we live on earth is so small, so little, and that when our lives on earth is over, we will be able to see Him face to face and gaze into His eyes of love. I couldn't stop weeping as He said all this to me, because I was just longing for Him so much and I am hungry for the day when I can stand before Him and feel His arms of love around me.

As I stood there worshipping, I saw Him breathe and blow upon my heart, and all these seeds and fragrance were released all around me. In the intimacy of this moment, I knew that I would give up everything just to touch heaven and be with Him. Everything faded away until all there was left was burning, consuming love. In that moment, even my greatest desire here on earth to be married faded away until I realised that if I never get married, I wouldn't just be okay, but that I would be blessed because then He would be the Only One.

"Wait for Me," He said, and I realised that even the greatest marriages here on earth are but a shadow of the real marriage that will take place in heaven! Where I will know the greatest intimacy that I have ever known, and where all my desires and dreams will be satisfied in Him!

I want to waste my life on Him! I want to pour out extravagent worship and devotion to Him that will be mocked and scorned by the world, but I will smile and rejoice because I know that I have everything my heart has ever searched for. I don't want to be "useful", I don't want to have a "function", I just want to praise and worship Him all the days of my life.

I cried out to Him, "Consume me, consume me, Jesus!!!" and I saw a vision of myself being burnt at the stake. When I looked closer, I saw that I was not even tied to the stake, but that I was free! I was choosing to be burnt alive in the fire of His love, and as the fire consumed me, my face was radiant with joy. The more the fire burned, the more radiant I became and the louder I worshipped because I knew that though the fire might hurt at times, He purifies me so that I can draw ever closer and closer to Him.

Jesus, You are my Treasure! You are the only true Treasure in this world! The only One worth investing my everything in!!!! Take from me and make it Yours! I love you!!!!!!

He leads and guides me

2009-06-30T16:01:00.003+08:00

I have a lot to share so I think I'm going to end up writing 3 blog posts in one shot :)

I'm now back in Singapore and God has led me to the One Thing Ministries House of Prayer. It was really cool how He did it! The more I walk with Him, the more I can see that it's not a guessing game with Him, or trying out things by trial and error, but He delights in making His will known to me. And even when I am not discerning His will by hearing clearly, He still leads me exactly to where I need to be so that I can hit the target!

When I was in Penang, I really wasn't in the mood to mingle, socialize and get to know new people, so I mainly stuck to spending time with people I already knew. But there was one lady named Janet that really stood out to me, and out of the 70 students that were there, she was the only one that I didn't know before that I ended up talking to. It turns out that Janet used to serve here at the House of Prayer in Singapore, and I was so interested in it (I'd never heard of a place like that in Singapore!) that when I got back to Singapore, I just couldn't even wait for her to contact me and take me, so I ended up Googling the place and going on my own.

How cool is it that out of all the students, God would lead me and prompt me to talk to the one person that would become such a huge connection for me in Singapore?!?!? When I went to the House of Prayer for the first time last Friday, no one talked to me apart from one girl named Winnie. There was an instant connection between us because we realized that we were of the same heart...wanting to spend all our lives just sitting at His feet, dwelling in His house and gazing upon His beauty. Not even to do all that hardcore spiritual warfare stuff, but just to adore Him in extravagent worship! It's so rare for me to meet someone who is like a Mary of Bethany, just like me! :D Apparently she's said it was really rare for her to meet Marys too, even in the house of prayer!

When I talked to Janet on Sunday, she said that it was really weird that Winnie would talk to me, because she's normally very quiet and doesn't talk to newcomers. How cool is it that out of a room full of people, that God would prompt the one person who was like me?!?!?! He really knows what He's doing!!!

Every little girl wants to be beautiful

2009-06-23T15:42:00.002+08:00

Do you see the scars that I wear when you look at me?

Do you see all my flaws, all the things that need to be fixed, or do you see the beauty that God has placed in me?

Because I see the scars.
I see all the shortcomings.
All the things that I am not and all the things that I ought to be.

Do you see the beauty that the Father has bestowed upon me? Beauty that radiates from the inside-out? Beauty that I know He has given me to possess because He is beautiful and I am created in His image? Because I can't see it.

When Father God asked me to stop wearing makeup last week, I knew that it was connected to something He was doing in my heart, but I didn't know what. I stopped wearing makeup but immediately lost my self-confidence and belief that I am beautiful. I looked at myself in the mirror and all I could see was ugliness and scars. I obsessed and fantasized of how to fix myself and my beauty became a project that I had to tackle.

I am so tired.

As I drew into His presence just now, I suddenly saw what the link was with my heart. Just like my outward beauty, I can believe that I am beautiful as long as I am wearing my "mask". I am very controlled, holding it all together as a "good" Christian until one day, I get too exhausted and my "mask" begins to crumble. Then, I realise that I never really believed that I was truly beautiful in the first place.

As I sat there in His presence, I fell apart sobbing as He revealed my heart and I saw that deep down inside, I always believed that I was ugly, worthless, never "good enough". Always trying to 'fix' myself, always trying to make sure that no one ever found out just how bad I am. Believing that if people really saw my heart, they would confirm that I am without value.

I think that when people look at me, all they see are my imperfections, my scars and ugliness from the past that is written upon the core of my soul. I believe that these scars from my past destroy my beauty so I try and try to cover them up and be "perfect", but I am so, so, so, tired. Tired of hiding, tired of covering up...it takes too much energy and I am weary.

He wants to show me my true beauty - beauty that I don't have to fix or manufacture, but beauty that just is. Beauty that inspires, beauty that is restful, beauty that is inviting. That is the beauty that He has set in me to radiate but is hidden by all the masks I wear.

Oh Father, strip me...strip me of all that I am, that I can become nothing and You can completely possess me. I am so little, so weak, so pathetic, and yet You look upon me with such grace, such mercy, such kindness. I am overwhelmed at Your goodness towards me...how You free me from all my insecurities, all my fears, so that I might soar with You and fly higher into the blinding light of the sun.

Let me look at You. Let me gaze upon the One who is Beauty itself. Let me be lost in Your glorious majesty, because when I do, I know that I will lose all that self-focus and be consumed by passion for You. More of You and less of me, my God.

"You will be a crown of splendor in the LORD'S hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God." - Isaiah 62:3

Imparting the Father Heart School 2009

2009-06-15T02:11:00.001+08:00

Week One

We've officially finished the first week of the Imparting the Father Heart School 2009. I can't really be bothered to type up an update so I'm going to copy and paste the group update that I sent out to all my friends in Hong Kong.

I just finished week 1 of the Imparting the Father's Heart School here in Penang and it has been so awesome! God has been teaching me so much and showing me what it means to be a daughter in my Father's house. I was really touched this week because James Jordan was sharing about how the Father Heart of God is not just a 'tool' for inner healing or for broken people, but it's all about a way of life...learning to live and dwell in the center of His love. He talked about how God wanted to take us beyond knowing that He loves us to experiencing Him loving us everyday. We were created by Him to be loved, and there was one time this week when we were soaking and I saw Jesus and the Father gazing at me with such intense love in their eyes that I couldn't stop weeping because I just knew that for the rest of my life and all of eternity, I will be forever caught up in this divine love! I was so blown away by knowing in my heart that He will keep lavishing His love upon me forever because it delights Him too! I felt so whole and complete, like I belonged and was HOME. I heard Him say, "I came to give you a home in Me. You'll never be alone again."

During one of the sessions, I suddenly felt this urge to use the toilet so I got up and left the room, and the second I stepped out of the door, the most beautiful sunset hit me right in the face. It was so amazing...beautiful red and golden skies reflected over the ocean and I just gasped out loud and whispered, "Oh FATHER!" I couldn't stop gazing at it, and when I came out the bathroom a few moments later, the whole scene was gone. I just knew that God had just led me out of the room just at the right moment so that I could see that sunset!

I heard Him whispering to me later on, "I have such good plans for you, Tiff, such good plans!" He sounded so excited and then I heard Him say, "You don't have to do anything for Me. Just let Me love you. Will you let Me love you? I enjoy loving you so much." Then God showed me all these "video clips" of different moments in my life where I thought that I was alone, and suddenly I saw that He had been with me all the time. I had never been alone, and He had always been beside me loving me and doing good to me, all the days of my life! How awesome is that?

Anyways, there's so much more to share but I guess that's all I'll share for now...it's so cool because I know that everything that the Lord is showing me is not just for me but it is what He wants to give everyone too! I'm so thrilled that He loves us all as if we're His favourite kids. We start the 2nd week of the school on Tuesday so I'm sure I'll share more later!

I'm putting a link here to a video clip that my friend took of me sharing how the Father had impacted me during the week. I'm sharing about a little vision that God showed me about what it means to be His daughter and to have His Spirit living inside of me :) It's here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=420llH7gvRY

Back in Penang

2009-06-06T08:54:00.002+08:00

I'm finally back in Penang!

After completing my DTS with YWAM here last year, I've been longing to come back. Now just a year later, God has granted my desire and sent me to spend a month here. It's been great seeing old faces and meeting new friends, and it's been especially awesome catching up with Hailey (my old DTS roommate) and hearing how the Lord has been working in her life over the last year.

It's definitely different though...when I came here last year in January, I had been moving around so many countries that I didn't have any "normal" life and routine to miss. In a way, it was easier. I didn't care about checking my email and phone all the time because I knew that no one would be writing or calling, and so it was easier to devote myself completely to the Lord without any distractions.

This time I find myself torn. I've been here one day and I'm fretting over emails that have not been returned, SMSes that have not been replied too...missing my life and friends, a bit too distracted to really be 100% here. I don't like it. I miss my singleminded devotion to the Lord that I had last year...and yet I know that it was He that filled my life so much to delight me and thrill me, and that cutting people out of my life is not the answer.

More love for Him is the answer. Everytime I get frustrated with my divided heart, I hear Him whisper, "Don't pray for Me to take those things away. Pray for Me to give you so much love for Me that it makes your love for everything else seem so dim."

And so here I am. Take me, Lord. Take me and make me completely Yours. I am so grieved to see how easily my heart is led astray. I know that the people You have put in my life are so awesome and I thank You that You want me to love them, and Lord, I really do love them so much. But do not let my love for people leave me dissatisfied because this summer is for You. This summer is Yours, oh Lord.

I want to be even more set apart to You by the end of this summer. I want even more passion and desire than I have now. So help me, Holy Spirit, to die to myself and release all those that I love to You, trusting that You will take care of everything for me and that those friendships will still be there when I return home. I left behind so many loose ends and I'm the kind of person who likes closure...but Lord, help me to know that closure is found in You. Closure is found in my heart being brought to the right place and not in anything others might do or say.

I am wrestling with myself, Lord. Help me, Father, because I long so much to be with You fully, completely, with an undivided heart. Come, Lord Jesus, come....come and meet me in this place.

I will not stay silent

2009-05-26T17:28:00.003+08:00

I am back.

I've been away for a while...

About a month ago, I received 11 nasty comments from an anonymous person on my blog and though I didn't have any problems forgiving them, I did feel quite hurt and intimidated and that kept me away for this time. One of the comments this "Christian" person made that was like acid upon my heart was a comment that people like me must've come from a sexually abused background, and therefore my fear makes me make up crap about God that is not true.

Let me tell you a part of my story of my God and how He saved me. I won't tell the whole story, because that would take too much time, but one day in heaven, all will be revealed and Jesus will receive great glory from my life because He indeed is my Redeemer, my Restorer and my Saviour. Apart from Him, there is no other.

Yes, the anonymous comment had some truth in it. I was molested when I was a little girl. I was too young to understand what was going on, and when the man died two weeks later, I blamed myself and thought that it was because there was something wrong with me. I didn't dare to tell anyone, because I was afraid that they would confirm my suspicions that I did indeed "kill" that man with my wickedness.

I grew up with so much shame...so much guilt...so much condemnation of who I am. Everyday I woke up with an apology on my face. "Sorry for breathing, sorry for taking up space, sorry for being me"...I was so afraid of making mistakes...I had to be perfect and no one must ever know what I'm really like...

When I was 12, I was bullied by my own group of bestfriends and no one stood up for me. I wound up in the hospital 2 days before my 13th birthday because in a fit of despair, I overdosed on pills. I remember it so clearly...I honestly thought that everyone would be happy with me gone because I was so "wrong". Some people feel guilt for doing bad things...I felt guilt for being me. For existing. For using up resources that clearly could have gone to better deserving people.

I grew up with so much pain...so much pain hidden inside and no one understood because no one knew my story. Many told me to toughen up...many told me that I was spoilt and that I was only depressed because I had the luxury to fall apart. So I punished myself for not being good enough. I drank, I slept around, I cut myself...everytime the world threw more crap at me, I punished myself and wished I was dead.

My teenage years were a blur...I was 16, maybe 17, I really can't remember, when I was raped. That started my downward spiral into drugs. I had been in therapy and medication for a while now but it was just a band-aid for a gaping hole in my heart. I was 18 when I vowed to take 6 more months to see if life would get better, if not I would kill myself.

And this was where Jesus found me.

21st of May, 2004.

That was the day I was saved. He found me, and on that day, I was on my knees for 7 hours, crying and weeping because for the first time in my life, I felt like I was coming home. I didn't know what I was coming home to, but I knew that I had never known a peace and love like this before. I finally understood that there was Someone who had seen everything that had happened, Someone who didn't blame me for my sins but who understood...Someone whose heart broke along with mine all these years. Someone who had wept over me because I was so lost.

And now here I am, 5 years later...free from alcohol, free from smoking, free from immorality...just FREE! I am surrounded with love everyday and He has more than restored everything that was taken from me. He restored my relationship with my Dad when I thought it couldn't be saved. He deepened my relationship with my Mum when I was sure it couldn't go deeper. He gave me a second chance to start life again with a clean slate and He gave me my dignity and purity back.

Yes, I understand that sharing all this might potentially change people's views of me...and yes, maybe even some of the people that I love might walk away from me. But you know what? I will not stay silent any longer. I will not live with the shame of things that were done to me and taken from me when I was just a vulnerable and fragile child. It is time to give a voice to the voiceless and stand up for the truth. This is not just my story, but it is God's story of how He knew me, loved me and fought for me so that I might know Him and have all my tears wiped away.

I have fallen so deep in love with Him. My Jesus, fully man and fully God...my God who came down from heaven and died for me so that I might not just receive forgiveness but healing. He is the One who gave me everything that I have. I praise Him for those He has used in my life, especially my parents who have faithfully provided for me and given me above and beyond what I deserve, but I know that everything I have comes from His hand. Every good and perfect gift comes from my Father of Light.

Why is He everything to me? Because I know that I know that He is all I have. I do not blame anyone for my circumstances...I do not even blame those who have hurt me, but I love and forgive them because I know that they are all broken people too. I bless them and know that my fight is not with them but with the enemy of our souls. He was out to get me, and no one, not even my parents or boyfriends could ever protect me from what happened. This is a fallen and sinful world. Bad things DO happen to good people...but even good people are all sinners, for all have fallen short of the glory of God.

He alone protects me...He alone guards my way and leads me along paths of righteousness. In Him I will trust because He is the only One worthy of all of me. He is my Father, my Bridegroom, my Bestfriend. He is everything.

The anonymous commenter said that it is because of my fear that I make stuff up about God.

I say it is His love, my love, OUR love, that I know my God.

Those who don't understand may say that this is all fanciful imagination to help me cope with a dark world. But you don't get it. I would not only gladly die for my Jesus...I would live for Him. I would choose, not out of obligation, not out of duty, but out of love to die to my desires, my dreams, my own wants, everyday so that He can live through me and make something so beautiful out of my life. Even if I walk through pain and suffering all of my life, I will choose to praise Him and give Him all glory. It might take me some time to get to that place, but I will keep choosing Him until He makes me into someone whose heart is fully committed to Him. He walks with me and He comforts and heals me...that is enough to make my life richer than it's ever been before.

I never knew that life could be this good, this sweet, this amazing. I will praise my God, and I will love Him and serve Him...and if anyone would call me crazy and mad, my prayer is that we would ALL be crazy and mad, for He is so good. He is the most kindest, loving, amazing Person that I've ever known and I haven't even scratched the surface of knowing His goodness.

We were all created to worship. Whether we like it or not, we are slaves to the gods that we serve, whether it's work, relationships, fame, fortune...

I choose to serve and worship the Living God.

I don't mean to sound arrogant or prideful, but this is something that I will never stop declaring...that my God is good, and that He IS the only Way, the only Truth, and the only Life.

This little life

2009-04-26T04:10:00.004+08:00

It's another one of my late night rambles...it's 4:10am now and I've just been spending time with Him and His presence is here. Oh, how sweet is His presence and how I love to dwell in the center of His love. How blessed am I that He always has time for me and that whenever I draw near, He gives me 100% of His attention...He's never distracted, He's never too busy, He's never too tired...

One day all of this will pass away...the world will fade away and this little life of mine will be just a blimp on the eternity that I will spend with Him. This short life is all I have until I go to be with Him and stand before Him face to face. One life is all I get to show Him that I truly do love Him.

It's going to be so easy in heaven to choose Him and to love Him, because His glory and love will be the very air that we breathe. It will be easy to believe Him and to have faith, because He will be tangible, He will be the face that I see everyday and He will dwell with me.

This life is the only chance I get to show Him that even though I don't understand things all the time, I still choose Him. This life is all I have to show Him that though I have but a glimpse of Him, I still love Him. This life is all I have to love Him and believe that He is who He says He is...because once we enter into heaven, everything will be different and none of this will be even something we have to think about because there is only one choice in heaven: Jesus.

Oh Lord, help me to live this life wisely and to make every moment count for You. Whether I am out with friends or at home studying, help me to choose You in every decision, in every moment, in every thought...Make me live a life that is so full of You that when I am on my deathbed, I look back with no regrets because I know in my heart that to the best that I could, by Your grace, I lived everyday walking with You. Help me to be committed to You the way You are to me. And when I do fail, help me to repent and get back up and try again because Your grace is sufficient.

Let me be one who enters into heaven and declares, "Oh my Lord, when I could only see in part, everything that I did see of You captivated my heart so much that I gave up everything to have You and know You." Make me Your intimate companion and may I not even notice anything that I give up to have more of You because my focus is on how thrilling it is to know You and go deeper with You.

Jesus, I just long for You so much. Oh my Lord, just as You told me today that You have eyes only for me, give me eyes only for You. Give me undistracted devotion for only You, for You alone are worthy. More, Lord, more...

The wedding

2009-04-26T03:10:00.004+08:00

I went to my first wedding ceremony today and it was so awesome because not only did we get to celebrate the love that Josh and Priscilla had for each other, but being able to witness the ceremony allowed me to catch glimpses of Jesus' heart for His church and for me.

When Priscilla walked down the aisle, she looked so breathtakingly beautiful and I peeked behind me to see what Josh was doing. His eyes were fixed only on her and he couldn't stop smiling and crying all at the same time. Everyone could see the love and joy that he had for her and as I saw that, I caught a glimpse of Jesus' heart as our Bridegroom.

I don't even know how to put into words what I experienced at the ceremony, but it was as if we were all caught up in heaven and not only were they getting married, but each one of us were getting married to Jesus too. As I watched Josh and Priscilla, I kept hearing Jesus whisper, "I have eyes only for you. I have eyes only for you." And I just felt so incredibly beautiful at that time...it was so strange, it was like the whole room faded away and even though there were all these people around, I knew that He was looking only at me (and the funny thing is that I knew that He was doing that for every individual there too...but somehow He can make it seem as if we're the only one).

I knew that one day when this age is over, there will be a huge wedding in heaven to celebrate the love that He and I have for each other, the love that He and the church have for each other. One day, there will come a time when all will be revealed and I will see and know and understand every memory that we've shared together...and on that day, when I walk down that aisle, His eyes will water and smile just like Josh's did today, because I know that His heart is captivated by me.

There was one part of the vows that they exchanged that touched my heart so much because I heard Jesus saying it to me. Josh said at one point, "Everything that I am, I give to you" and I was just so struck by how that is a picture of how Jesus loves me...Everything that He had, He gave up and when He was raised up to the right hand of the Father, He made every spiritual blessing in Him available to me. He holds nothing back from me, and just as in the earthly realms, when people get married, everything the husband has becomes the wife's, and everything the wife has becomes the husband's, so too does this happen in my relationship with Jesus.

Today was super, super cool and I'm so delighted that I got invited to witness Josh and Priscilla's wedding ceremony, not just because I got to be part of their special day, but also because it became a really special day for me to be able to have a deeper understanding of what it means to be married to Jesus :)

Fearfully and wonderfully made

2009-04-23T18:29:00.003+08:00

I had the most wonderful time with the Lord today...it's been a long time since I've felt His delight and pleasure in me. I know that objectively it hasn't been that long, but I'm so used to dwelling in His presence and delight everyday that it's felt like an eternity.

I couldn't really understand why I was still hurting even though God healed me and helped me to forgive the people who hurt me on Sunday night. That was a really awesome night too, and although it was scary confronting my hurt and pain, I felt His healing touch and received His peace once again. So I was pretty confused as to why I was still feeling so down, and I couldn't understand why I was still avoiding Him. I knew that I was still running away from Him even though He was telling me He loved me so many times and I totally didn't understand.

Yesterday I got home from handing in my assignment after pulling an all-nighter. It was about 4:00pm and I was trying to figure out whether I should spend time with God or just crawl into bed because I was so tired. For some reason, I just sat on my bed and cried and cried (it seems like this is all I've done this month), and I was so sick of it that I ended up popping 2 melatonin pills (they're some herbal supplements to make you sleepy) and went to bed. I was trying to make sure that I would sleep for as long as I could so that maybe, just maybe, when I woke up, things would be better.

Just before I dozed off, I put on some worship music and muttered, "Jesus, please come find me...I don't know how to find You anymore and I'm so lost". At one point during the night, I woke up and actually felt His presence in my room (which confused me a little), but I was too exhausted to do anything other than mumble, "Thank You, Jesus, thank You, Jesus."

I had a strange dream last night where I was talking to someone and they said, "You know what's wrong with you? You never fight" and I denied it and disagreed but they said, "Here, I'll prove it". And then they hit me. The first time they hit me, I fought back and defended myself, but then he hit me again and again, and I just lay there and took it because I thought I deserved it.

Today when I was out, I realised that there's a difference between laying down your life out of love, and taking all the crap that the world throws at you because you think you deserve it. I didn't realise it before but I had been so angry at myself for being so sensitive and soft because I got so sick of being hurt easily. This world exalts strength and independence, and I know how weak and sensitive I am, and 3 weeks ago when I got hurt by those who were closest to me, I got so angry at myself and actually hated myself for being so weak. I was filled with so much hatred and disgust for myself that my thoughts went along the lines of, "You deserve to feel all this pain, you stupid, weak, sensitive loser". I was just so tired of feeling useless, insignificant, too sensitive, too soft, too...pathetic.

I tried to toughen up by closing my heart, and I guess I became really angry and bitter towards God for making me this way. I couldn't understand why He had gone so wrong when He made me. But today, when I was in IKEA (yeah, IKEA of all places!), He suddenly said, "You know, Tiff, I didn't create you to be so supersensitive so that the world could hurt you over and over, and not so that you could hate yourself. I made you this way so that you could connect with me, hear me and love me on a deeper level so much more easily." And then it clicked. Being me isn't a bad thing...He didn't make any mistakes...I'm good just the way I am.

I missed Him so much right then, so I went straight home to be with Him. I asked Him what He had been doing in my room the night before when I felt His presence and He showed me a vision of me sleeping in bed, strands of my hair stuck to my face from crying myself to sleep. He was there, brushing my hair from my face and He had tears in His eyes as He bent over and kissed my cheek. I saw Him whisper, "Come back, My child. Come back. I miss you."

I couldn't stop crying when He showed me this, and I just called out His name. And you know what? The second I called out His name, His presence was in my room! He didn't play any games with me, didn't make me wait to punish me for avoiding Him these last 3 weeks, and didn't even make me "press in more" so that I could "prove" that I really wanted Him. He was watching for me and while I was still at a distance away, He saw me coming home and He ran towards me.

You know...I don't have it all together and I know that I so often feel pressure from the world to act like I'm a good Christian who never has any struggles. But in a way, I really thank God that He's made my face and life such an open book that it's so obvious to everyone the minute I'm not doing well because it saves me all that energy of pretending. I really praise God that I don't have to have it all figured out or to even be "strong" (sometimes I hate that word) because I think I'm understanding more and more the longer I walk with Him that I don't need to be anything apart from His. It doesn't matter about my strengths or my weaknesses, it doesn't matter where I fall short, I don't even need to figure out who I am...all that matters is that I know that I am His and everything else will flow out of this place of understanding.

I don't have to feel like a hypocrite when I say I love Him but still get scared. I don't have to feel bad when I say I love Him but I still feel hurt. Loving Him doesn't mean I will never make mistakes or become the "perfect Christian" overnight. But by His grace, I am what I am and though my love is still immature, still weak, He is the One who will turn it into the blazing inferno that I want it to be.

In my weakness, I can choose Him. In my pain, I can choose Him and be wholehearted towards Him. I can choose to be passionate about Him and to live for Him today even though tomorrow might still scare me. He doesn't discount me just because I still have doubts or fears sometimes. He loves me for who I am in this moment right now and not who I will be in the future.

He is my God and no one else can ever take my place in His heart because I am irreplaceable and significant to Him.

Hallelujah!

"Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, never let it fade away..."

2009-04-22T02:04:00.005+08:00

I am so touched by the comments that I've been receiving lately. Thank you, Eunice & Sharon for encouraging me so much and leaving me comments so that I would know that people actually read this little blog of mine :D

For the last two weeks, my emotions have been all over the place and I finally hit the bottom last Thursday. It was especially bad, and I don't know how it happened but by about midnight, I was convinced that God didn't really love me and it was a little weird but I actually couldn't even recall or remember all the ways that God had shown me His love in the past.

Anyways, I guess I reacted out of a place of hurt, anger and confusion...even though the "adult" me was trying to pull it all together, the little kid inside of me was just feeling so emotional that I ended up trying to "test" God's love for me by deliberately placing myself in a dangerous position. The whole time I was "daring" God to prove His love to me by rescuing me (yes, yes, I know, it wasn't the most mature thing to do, but that was where I was at the time and I'm just being honest about it) but He didn't seem to be reacting. He wasn't stopping me at all or rescuing me from the dangerous position I put myself in, and as time slowly crept by, I got more and more scared because I didn't know why He wasn't acting.

But, just when I gave up all hope of Him rescuing me, suddenly He started moving. First, He sent a good friend of mine to me, and that friend walked with me all around my neighbourhood while I raved and ranted all my frustration, anger and pain...he didn't have any answers for me, and to be honest, I don't really remember much of what he said, but I remember him being there next to me, and I remember feeling love that was coming not just from him, but from Jesus inside him too. Even in my pain and ugliness, I really did feel so accepted for who I am and not what I do. It was just so nice to have someone walk beside me and just be there because I've never really experienced that many times in my life.

We ended up walking and walking, and I just kept banging on about how I was so hurt and confused. I had so many questions, like 'why had I been broken so many times in my life', and 'why hadn't God intervened?' We walked through the city to the harbour where the sea was lit up by tiny lights on boats, and then from the harbour to the park. We just kept walking, and the more we walked, the more I felt God's presence wrapping around me, and at first I refused to acknowledge Him because what I wanted was not that He would comfort me but that He would change my circumstances. But slowly He kept embracing me, and by the time we walked onto the middle of an empty basketball court, I was too tired to fight against Him anymore.

We sat down and I was too tired to even sit up so I just flopped backwards and laid down, and it was just crazy because the sky was filled with so many stars. For those of you who don't live in Hong Kong, you probably don't understand the significance of this but where I live is right in the middle of the city so there are too many lights and too much POLLUTION to even see ONE star on most nights. There were so many stars that night though, and just when I thought the night was about as good as it could get, my friend and I suddenly saw a shooting star fly through the sky.

It was incredible. It was the first shooting star I'd ever seen, and not only that but, out of all the places I could have seen my first, I saw it in a place where you NEVER see any stars let alone shooting stars! I didn't realise the significance of seeing that shooting star until the next morning but when I realised it, I was so moved that I couldn't stop crying.

See, last year in Nepal, I prayed and asked God to let me see one shooting star so that I would know that He loves me, but He didn't. At the time, I really struggled a lot with this because I didn't understand why He wouldn't just show me one, and so this time when I saw the shooting star, it was as if God was saying, "I saved this shooting star for now because this was when you needed it the most. This shooting star is a symbol of how much I love you - that I would move the heavens and the earth to show you a visible sign that My heart is for you and that I will never leave you. I will not only protect you and keep you safe because I am your Father, but I will always go above and beyond what is required to woo and captivate your heart."

You know, I would have gone home and praised God just for sending my good friend to be with me and for protecting me that night, but He went ABOVE AND BEYOND what was His 'duty' and sent me an actual shooting star to tell me that He does love me. Even though I had to repent for how I had tried to test His love and for hurting Him, I really learnt that night that my God is a pursuing and relentless God.

I guess I still sometimes have issues with performance where I feel like He is only pleased with me when I respond to things in the 'right and mature way' all the time. Sometimes I still struggle with trying to 'earn' His love even though I know that nothing I do will ever be enough. I get scared sometimes that if I stop clinging to Him, He'll just let me go and I'll fall from His hand, but that night just showed me so clearly that even when I don't choose Him, even when I am acting like an immature, stupid kid, He will NEVER EVER let me go simply because I am His and He loves me. I don't have to put any pressure on myself to do this or do that, but I can just BE and rest in the assurance that my Father loves me and thinks I'm awesome.

This is an extravagent love that I just don't understand, but all I know is that when I encountered it, I know that nothing will ever satisfy me again except to have more and more of His love. I want to know how high, how deep, and how wide His love is for me. I don't want to just know it, but I want to experience it until the revelation becomes part of me and hidden in my heart. I was created for love and man, oh man, I praise my God that He is faithful, that He never fails, and that He is so kind, so merciful, so gracious and so full of love that there is nothing I could ever do to separate me from His love.

Because seriously, if everything depended on me...oh man...I would be screwed :)

Your passion melts my heart

2009-04-17T03:05:00.003+08:00

I'm so excited that I just can't stop praising Him!!! I'm just so delighted that though my heart can be so cold and hard, all it takes is one glimpse of His passion, one glimpse of His delight for me to set my heart ablaze! It's not through using my own strength to praise His name, it's not through 'willing' myself to glorify Him, but when I see just how much He loves me and how much pleasure He takes in me, my heart just starts singing praise and I can't stop worshipping Him!

That's the way it's meant to be...that I would love Him because He first loved me. I know that He's been telling me this for so long now, but I forget so often, and everytime He reminds me of this, I am so delighted again! When He pours out revelations of His love for me, praise just erupts and flows out of me like a gushing river without me even trying!!!

Captivate my heart, Lord! Let me experience a delight and pleasure with You that I will never EVER find in this world or even in any relationship. Ruin me for this world by transforming the very desires of my heart with Your love! I want to desire only You, my King. Break down every idol and reign over every area of my life and heart! Whom is there on heaven or earth like You? You are the fairest of all men to ever walk upon this earth and my heart beats with passion for You.

Oh Lord, just as I delight in being enjoyed, so too do You want me to enjoy You! Teach me to love You more and more and more! Open my heart to receiving more of Your love so that I might give more love and devotion back to You! I love you! I love you! I love you!

The process

2009-04-16T01:35:00.006+08:00

Oh man, things are just so super cool at the moment...so I came back from dinner tonight and I was feeling so crummy. I was sitting on my bed staring blankly at my wall, feeling more and more discouraged, more and more weary and wanting to give up, but then a friend of mine Skyped me. The really cool thing was that they didn't really give me any advice or even say all these 'nice' things to encourage me, but they just let me talk and declare what God had been saying to me, and somehow that just started lifting up my heart and by the end of the conversation, I actually felt lighter than I did before.

Anyways, so I was sitting here spending time with God after that chat and I realised that so much of why I've been feeling so frustrated and discouraged lately is because I keep seeing how imperfect I am, and how my heart is not what I want it to be. I've been placing all these expectations on myself that I couldn't meet...I just kept failing and failing and I was getting more and more frustrated because I wanted to see myself changed and transformed NOW. The more I failed, the more I felt like a failure and that I would never be 'good enough'.

The Lord really reminded me tonight that all this is a process and that even in the process, He is delighting in me and loving me! He just wants me to keep my eyes on His glory and not on how far I fall short because He desires for me to enjoy the process of being transformed into His likeness. It was so cool because as soon as He said all that, I felt all my discouragement leave and I actually started feeling His delight and pleasure in me! I just know now that even in my immaturity and struggles, my Father still thinks the world of me! He doesn't need to change me at all to enjoy me, but He enjoys me in my imperfection even as He is transforming from glory to glory as I behold His beauty!!!

Forget about trying to "measure myself" by how well I am living up to these "rules" that I've made for myself...He never wanted me to live out of fear but out of grace and love. He is so kind, so gentle, and I don't have to live in fear of breaking His commandments, because His law is written upon my heart and He is faithful to help me to live according to His word and cause me to draw near to Him. I cannot do anything in my own strength, and He does not make impossible demands but He helps me in everything He asks me to do :D I can't do ANYTHING to change this heart of mine, and though it is one deceitful heart, it is also Jesus' heart because I have given it to Him, and because of that, His Spirit will cause it to be pure and holy. All I'm supposed to do is confess and repent whenever He convicts me...I don't have to go "sin-hunting" and try and slay myself! Not by might and not by power but by His Spirit!!!

I'm sick of spending time with Jesus so that I have awesome revelations to share...lately I haven't felt like sharing much, and I felt like such a failure as a Christian because I wasn't "impacting" people by sharing. I just want to be drawn into intimacy for MEEEEEEEEE alone! I need love! He died to free me from even trying to live for "good things" because the only thing He wants me to live for is Him, and He is so merciful to declare over me again and again, "My child, you are not a failure even if you fail, because in My eyes, you are My little champion :D" (yes, I'm pretty sure God uses emoticons when He talks to me sometimes!).

Yay! No demands...no expectations...no rules to live by...just the joy and glory of beholding the beauty of my Lord and gazing into His eyes. A life of adoration and devotion where my heart overflows with His love because I am hidden in the secret place with Him :D

I love You, my Lord!

Psalm 131
¹ My heart is not proud, O LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
² But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.
³ O Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore.

Loneliness

2009-04-15T01:54:00.003+08:00

I don't know who you are, but man, you made my day with this comment :) It was such an encouragement to me and I had such a big smile on my face when I read your comment yesterday.

Why is my heart playing the roller-coaster game with me lately? It's like one moment I'm flying high, and then the next moment, I'm feeling completely empty and alone. The more time I spend with people these days, the more I feel 'off' and empty...I just feel so dissatisfied and it's been a long time since I've felt like this.

Walking in this world is not easy, and everywhere I turn, there are all these competiting affections that vie for the attention that I long to lavish upon my King. I know that lately I've been praying that God would set me even more apart and consecrate me to Himself. I know that I've also been praying that He would make my heart fully committed to Him because I have been so distressed to find that my heart is just so prone to wander away from the God that I love. I long so desperately to experience in full the reality of the truth that "better is one day in Your courts than a thousand elsewhere". I know that we often say that, but I know that I don't always live as if I believed that with all my heart.

I want Him to be my Everything...and I know that a big part of this dissatisfaction that I'm feeling is so that I would draw even deeper into intimacy with my Lord. It's His mercy that He would open my eyes and show me how even the best things in this world like friendship and laughter are all nothing compared to Him...I see that in my life, I still rely so much on other people as a source of delight and pleasure and I never realised how much I depended on them until the Lord started challenging me to just steal away for a season and tune out everything and seek His face.

It frustrates me and makes me so angry to see how deceitful my heart is...I LONG to spend more time with Him, but somehow I always find myself hanging out with friends...Even though I want so much more from Jesus than I have now, there's still that fleshly part of me that gets scared that if I truly let go of everyone and everything so that I can have more of Him, that I will wake up one day and realise that I'm all alone :( Most of the time when I hang out with friends, it's because I'm so scared of 'missing out' and really, that's not a good enough reason!!!

It's funny though...I feel so much better now after blogging about it...My emotions are still BLAHHHHHH, but at least my mind is no longer thinking, "You're so insignificant...no one cares about you". Haha, and at least I no longer feel like throwing something at peoples' heads and screaming at them. My mind is clearer now and I know that all this is an opportunity to really show God that I mean it when I pray, "Lord, all I am is Yours". I know that I'm not really leaving people and that I'm not really alone, all that He wants for me in this season is to experience even more deeper intimacy with Him but I can't because right now my life is so busy that I can't seek Him as much as I want to.

I'll be okay, because my God reigns and He is with me!!! He will help me to surrender and embrace Him so that I might consider all things a loss compared with the surpassing greatness of knowing Him. How I long to know You more, Lord! If it means giving up most of my social time so that I can experience more of You, then help me, my Jesus, to do this because I must have more of You. I must, I must, I must...there is a hunger inside of me that drives me to desperation and unless I have more of You, I will be trying to fill a void with worldly things that will never fill a Jesus-shaped vacuum.

"I said to the LORD, 'You are my Lord; apart from You I have no good thing.'" - Psalm 16:2

Oh my precious Jesus, may I know the sweetness of a life that is completely devoted to You...may I be moulded into an extravagent lovesick worshipper. May I know the joy of a life that is lived out of a heart that is one with Yours, where every step I take is walked in the deepest communion and intimacy with You. Take me deeper, no matter what the cost. Even if it hurts or sucks at first...I want to fly higher and higher with You, even if it means giving up everything I have...make me someone who doesn't even have to count the cost because I am so desperately in love with You. Help me to love You more!!! I want to love You more and more each day, my Lord!

He is the Captain of the Hosts

2009-04-12T02:53:00.004+08:00

Tonight I was at the "Book of Joel" conference, and it was pretty cool because God showed me a new side to Himself while we were worshipping.

As we lost ourselves in worship, I heard Jesus' voice saying, "I am the Captain of the Hosts," and as I looked, I saw myself standing on the edge of a cliff, quite high up but there was still a way to keep going up. As I gazed into the distance, I saw the enemy forming ranks far away at the horizon and they were beginning to march towards me. I remember thinking, "Oh Jesus, You better come soon because they're getting closer..."

Then, the worship leader started singing these words, "I pledge allegiance to Jesus, to Jesus. I pledge allegiance to the Lamb." I suddenly saw myself standing before Jesus and I was part of His army. He had the form of a man but He was like blazing fire and I had never seen Him like that before. He was terrifying and fearsome...definitely not a meek lamb, or the vulnerable lovesick God that He's been revealing Himself to me as lately. He was so strong, terrifying in His glory, and as I stood befoore Him, I couldn't stop crying because I saw myself, a tiny little girl dressed in full armour with a shiny, big sword in my hand and I knew that I whether I live or die, I would fight with everything I am for His cause.

My heart was so captured by something greater and bigger than myself, and I knew that I stand as a lovesick warrior for His kingdom. I knew that I would do anything to be part of this grand plan of His, and for the first time in my life, I felt myself being swept up into the climax of the grandest adventure this world has ever known. I knew that I would endure all things, and that everything would fade away as I held fast to the visions He has hidden in my heart.

My heart was just crying out that battle cry (yeah, yeah, I know this isn't very flowerly and girly, but it was so cooooool! I think that even though girls are all 'soft' and stuff, there is something inside us that wants that adventure and to have something to live and die for) of allegiance to my King, and I just knew that I was willing to pay the price, pay the cost to fight for Him. No matter how hard it is, no matter how much suffering, I believe so strongly in Him and His love burns so deeply within my heart that I will give everything to fight in the frontlines for Him and with Him.

Oh...it was just so cool! I love Jesus so much when He was revealing Himself to me as Bridegroom, but I know that that isn't all of Him...there's so many more sides to Him that I haven't seen and I for one am so thrilled to see Him in all His different names. I was so blown away when I saw Him as the Captain of the Hosts tonight because I was like, "Wow...You are the One whose chest I lean my head upon...but look at YOU! You are so fearsome, so strong, so mighty and I never even realised it before!!!"

He is the strongest, most mightiest man who has ever walked across the face of this earth! And when the trumpet sounds, when He shouts, I will charge and run into the darkness, knowing that in Him, victory has already been given! I will not creep into the darkness, I will not walk, but I will run, willingly, with an abandoned heart, giving my all for my King!!!

I am so excited! He is raising up not just His family, but His army too! It takes wisdom to know what He is doing in each season, and I know that for me, He is showing me now what it means to be part of His army and what it means to fight. I think we all have these worldly concepts of what it means to fight, but really, my fight is to be on my knees, to die to myself, to LOVE in spite of abuse, insults and hurts!

Oh man...He never fails to fascinate me!!! I've never seen Him like this before and while I was terrified of how powerful He was, at the same time, I was soooooooooooooooo THRILLED!!! He is not just the meek Lamb, but the roaring Lion of Judah!

My friend

2009-04-10T17:59:00.005+08:00

I have this friend Grace.

I don't know if she ever reads this blog...but I just wanted to make a public declaration that I love that girl. I love her so much!!! She has been one of my biggest encouragers and my prayer is that one day she would realise how much of an impact her life is, especially to me.

So if you're reading this, Grace, hear my words:

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!

I'll run into Your arms

2009-04-10T04:13:00.003+08:00

My heart feels so broken and raw right now.

I don't really know what's going on, but ever since God started telling me to come fly with Him, everything I say seems to be hurting people. I feel like I'm on a completely different page to everyone, and I see things so clearly that sometimes it frustrates me when people don't see it.

As I was crying out to God just now, He reminded me of a prophecy that I received at DTS last year where someone said that they could see this house. Most of the people function in the basement and first floor of this house, but the Lord had chosen me to function in the top floors, and to have the ability to see doorways and staircases that no one else could see. He said that the Lord was choosing me to be someone who went ahead to prepare the way, to open doors for people and to lead them through them.

I guess I had totally forgotten that prophecy, but tonight when God reminded me of it, it really resounded in me. Something has changed in me in the last month, and suddenly I see things so differently from before...I have so much more faith, confidence and hope in every circumstance and this crazy peace that is so much more constant than it's ever been because I don't seem to see situations in the 'natural' anymore, but I can actually look upwards and see what God is doing, and even when I don't understand it, I have this joy and trust in knowing that He is so good.

It frustrates me so much though...I can see these open doorways that the Lord is so desperately wanting people to walk through because it is through these doorways that they will receive their healing and joy, but trying to point people there is like trying to describe colours to a blind man. I've never been able to see so clearly before (and I know that I'm not even seeing half of what the Lord is doing), and I don't know how to communicate everything the Lord has shown me in words...

I love people so much when I see them struggling, I want so much to help them to find those doorways because I've walked through them and found my peace, but everytime I try to show them, I end up saying things that upset them instead. *sigh* I don't know what to do. I've just been sitting here crying because I hate knowing that somehow even though I'm doing what God is asking me to do, I somehow must not be doing everything right because people are getting upset with me...I don't know...

All I know is that God has set me apart, and I'm a sort of forerunner...going ahead of people so that I can come back and show them the way...I just don't want people to get hurt while I'm trying to hear from God how to do this. God has been moving so fast in my life that I don't even know how I changed so much, so how do I even explain to people what happened?!?! Sometimes I think it's easier to just not even bother, but it doesn't work...I've given so much of my will over to Jesus that even when I've been hurt, trampled on, it's not even an option to get offended and bitter...I'm a prisoner to the Holy Spirit and His love inside me compels me to keep choosing Him again and again. His love in me keeps me picking up my cross again and again and He won't let me stop.

Tonight when I was sitting here pouring out my heart to my Love, I felt Him whisper, "When the world hates you, run into My arms" and I believe that this is my solution. Not to work out what to say or how to say things because all that will flow out of that relationship with Him. All I need is to keep crying out for more of Him because unless I learn how to live in the center of His embrace, I am so lost.

Oh Lord, what I had yesterday in the past is not enough for today or tomorrow...I cannot survive on what I had yesterday. I need more and more of You...I could get by on less of You before, but I am completely out of my depth, and unless I have Your arms wrapped around me, I don't even know how to take another step forward. I am nothing without You, my Lord, and my heart is so fragile, so sensitive, so tender...You are all I have, my Jesus...make my confidence in You unshakeable and impart to me a new boldness and fearlessness that I would be someone who is an influencer rather than influenced. Make me someone who can influence every conversation to glorify You rather than to just go with the flow. Increase Your presence within me and set me apart for Yourself, my Lord!

Oh Father, do whatever it takes to make me like the One I love, that the world would know that I belong to Him. May I be so one with You that everywhere I go, I would carry the fragrance of my sweet Jesus with me. May You receive all the glory that is due unto You from my life. Receive Your full inheritance in me, Lord. Teach me to live as Your daughter, and help me to never forget those who still live as though they do not have a Father because they do not know You.

I'm not the one who changes hearts and lives, but I am here, my Father, willing and available to You to use as You please. Even if it means being hurt everyday...Lord, as long as I have Your sweet presence wrapped around me, the purpose of my life and existence is complete. More of You, Lord, and less of me.

Agendas, schedules and my 'rights'

2009-03-29T00:39:00.004+08:00

I got to share with everyone an awesome revelation that God has been showing me at Prayer Mountain this Thursday, and even though it was cool and quite a few people said that they really received from the Lord from it, I can't help thinking that there was meant to be more. I know that while I was sharing, it was such a battle to remain focused and to hear what God was saying, and for most of the meeting, I kept feeling like we were flowing in the Spirit, then stopping, then flowing again, and it was all so disjointed. Half the time I felt as if we were not coming in line with what the Spirit was doing. I wasn't sure if I was discerning this accurately, but today the leader's wife called me and told me that she felt the same thing that I felt.

Which got me thinking...you know, when I first received these revelations about 2 weeks ago, I really felt that God was telling me to clear my schedule for the next 2 weeks and seek His face. I knew that He wanted me to fast and pray and to keep pressing in to what He was showing me...but...in the last 2 weeks, I barely sought His face. *sigh* Somehow there was one event after another and I was just busy, busy, busy and so distracted. Every night I'd be like, 'Ooops, God, please help me to spend time with You tomorrow," but I never really took it very seriously. Maybe it would've made a difference, maybe it wouldn't have, I guess I'll never know.

What I do know though is that my schedule, time and energy is still unsurrendered to God. He's been speaking to me for a while now about surrendering my 'right' to do whatever I want with my time, but I haven't really been walking this out in full. I think He let me get away with it in the past, but now He's really emphasizing it a lot. The truth is, I haven't really been very faithful with how I've been using my time. My grades are not what they should be, I'm socializing rather than spending time with Him, sleeping at weird hours so that I'm too tired to wake up to spend time with Him in the morning, and making vows to fast but then breaking it instead of following through. I guess I've been excusing it for a while, but tonight I felt really convicted about it (among other things) because I really do want Him to be glorified through every area of my life!

He's teaching me new things and new lessons...I had gotten good at applying all the other stuff that He had shown me before, and I was walking in all of it, but now He's showing me new stuff and I really want to apply it instead of wasting time and going round in circles.

He's been calling my name for a while now and inviting me to fly higher and higher with Him, but I know that if I really want to fly with my Love, then I have to be willing to allow Him to strip me of everything that hinders me and weighs me down. Oh, how I long to soar in the skies with Him!!!

Help m to surrender, Lord! Unless You help me, I cannot! I know that You see my heart and see my longing to go deeper and higher with You...help me to surrender all my 'rights' for the sake of knowing You and Your amazing love. I give You all my rights to make my own schedule and agenda, and as I use my freewill to choose You, help me to walk out a life that is completely dependent upon Your grace. I want to know You more!!!

Lily

2009-03-22T04:36:00.004+08:00

I don't know why but I feel like sharing something very personal and intimate to me...maybe it's that 4am syndrome where you're all reflective and wanting to share your emotions or maybe it's something else, but whatever it is, I feel like sharing something that means so much to me :)

Shortly after I received Jesus into my heart about 4 years ago, I read the Bible and saw that whenever something big happened to someone, they were always given a new name. For example, Jacob become Israel, and Naomi became Mara. So, I asked God whether I had a new name because I knew that meeting Him was that 'big' thing that happened to me, and for some reason, I always felt since that day that He had called me 'Lily'.

For the longest time, I knew deep down inside me that this was His secret name for me, and I thought it was cool because lilies are really pretty flowers, but it didn't really have any other special meaning for me. Well, last year when I was still in Singapore after completing my DTS, I was feeling particularly discouraged one day and I was crying out to God. That day though, His answer completely surprised me. He said, "Tiff, have you ever wondered why I gave you the new name Lily? Look it up on Google." (Hahaha, He knows His technology!!!)

So I did...and what I found blew me away. As soon as I saw that the name Lily meant 'beauty, purity and innocence', I just broke down because I could not believe it. My whole life, I have always felt so ugly, so dirty; innocence shattered by all the pain and horrors that were done to me and by sins that I committed. These were the areas of my heart that were most destroyed by the enemy of my soul, and these were the areas that most needed to be redeemed.

But God in His mercy, before I even saw any hint of beauty, purity or innocence in my life, called me by the name that would be what I would become. He was "the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were" (Romans 4:17). Even before I became those things, He already knew that He would heal and redeem me! I was just so blown away by His unfailing love, that when I was at my most filthiest mess, He called me pure, beautiful and innocent. He did not wait till I was 'acceptable' by worldly standards to love me and embrace me, but He met me in my darkest hour and He not only rescued me but He reversed every curse that was in operation in my life.

My Jesus...oh my Jesus! I will never know how much You suffered for me, and I never want to insult You by trying to 'pay You back', because Your blood that was shed for me has no price that I can ever come close to paying. But with everything I am, with all my heart, make me completely Yours. Thank You for washing me and taking away all my shame, all my disgrace. You have clothed me with Your garments and all the world will know that I am Yours.

My birthright!

2009-03-22T04:28:00.002+08:00

Tonight at 180, I felt the Lord say, "It is your birthright, your inheritance to know and experience My delight in you! It is your birthright to be dripping with the oil of gladness and joy, because it is never anything you do, but who you are to Me."

Then I saw a vision of me, darkness all within me, and as we worshipped the darkness was pulled out of me and placed onto Jesus. He was hanging on the cross, white and all pure, until my sin touched Him, and He went gray and black. But there I was, white and glowing with splendor, and as I was horrified with how black Jesus had become, suddenly all the darkness on Him was consumed and He disappeared off the cross. He reappeared next to me, shining in all His glory, white and pure once again, because sin and death could not hold Him down!

And as He stood next to me, both of us glowing with light, He spoke, "No more shame, no more guilt. They are not fitting for My bride to wear, for I bore every sin of yours on the cross. I clothe you with My righteousness, My holiness, My purity. Receive My embrace and love!"

The truth will set you free

2009-03-17T03:10:00.002+08:00

"It is finished."

What did Jesus mean when He said those words on the cross? Did He mean, "It'll be finished soon" or "It's going to be finished at some point" or did He simply mean, "It is finished. It is done"?

My past crept back into the present last night and today, and it had some fun with me, but my God reigns!!! My heart is deceitful above all else. It really is, and I still can't believe how much turmoil can be stirred up within me when I let one tiny lie slip past the cracks.

Instead of taking my thoughts captive, I believed the lie, "I always hurt people I love", and "Everyone I love always abandons me" and things quickly spiralled out of control. But you know what? I've just been spending time with the Lord and I just kept hearing Him say, "It is finished. It is finished. What you are experiencing is not reality but just an illusion that has been created because that is what you believe."

So I went into that quiet place with Him and asked Him for His truth, cuz I think I've finally accepted that I know nothing and I can't trust anything I think or feel. Only His word will bring reassurance and a promise that I can cling to, and He spoke so much life into me.

Firstly, He said that I don't always hurt people I love. In fact, as His bride and daughter, I am His chosen vessel to invite people to the gift of ETERNAL LIFE. I am a channel of BLESSING not curse!!! :D Of course that made me pretty happy!

Then He showed me a vision of my past, and I didn't realise it until now, but I guess in my heart I always believed that all those times I hurt in the past, God was grieving over it but from a detached observer point of view. This time though, I saw that He felt EVERYTHING with me. Everything I went through hurt Him in the same way it hurt me, and even more, because He loves me so much that it hurts Him to see me hurt! Somehow just knowing that He was always there has made it all okay even though it doesn't change what has happened. It wasn't just me walking through all that crap...He walked it with me! Yay! He has promised never to leave me and He has placed me in a family that is for all of eternity, which means even when people leave, they'll never get rid of me because we're one in Christ for all eternity, HAHA. Suckers! I mean...my blessed brothers and sisters.

I can't even begin to express how much freedom I feel right now! It's amazing how just having the word of the Lord can bring so much life, and it's so true that when I know the truth, the truth will set me free! I was hurting so much yesterday night and today...it's been a long time since I've hurt this much, but all it took was a few words from Him for me to be healed. Hallelujah!

He is the coolest Father ever.

I have chosen you

2009-03-13T01:36:00.004+08:00

I was at a Prayer Mountain meeting tonight at church and it was so cool, because I went not expecting to have anything to give, but God kept reminding me of all these things He wanted me to say! I love it when I have those times when I open my mouth and He just fills it! At one point, I had my eyes closed and God just started speaking through me and I was so stunned because He just kept speaking and speaking and speaking, and suddenly I broke off the flow in amazement and said, 'Oh CRAP, where did that come from?!?!' He blows my mind!

He reminded me tonight of a vision I saw a year ago where I was in the sky with Jesus, floating over a huge ocean. There was the most beautiful sunset, and as far as I could see, the sea stretched from horizon to horizon and reflected all the golds and reds of the sunset. As I looked, I saw angels all around Jesus and me, and they were singing in adoration, worshipping and bowing down to Jesus. Then suddenly, they stopped, and all of heaven was silent as Jesus opened His mouth to speak.

He took my hand and intertwined His fingers with mine and lifted our arms up. Then He opened His mouth and said, "Today, I declare before heaven and earth that Tiffany is the bride that I have chosen. She is forever Mine." and then all of heaven cheered, because the King of kings and the Lord of lords had chosen and I was found to be worthy because of His precious blood that was shed for me.

Tonight, I saw that same vision again, and Jesus told me, "Remember, no matter what obstacles you face, no matter how you feel you fail Me, no matter what mistakes you make, remember that I have chosen YOU. I have chosen YOU. You are mine and I will never let you go." I know I struggle so much sometimes with questions of 'who am I?', 'what is my purpose?' and 'why am I so weak?'. But tonight, He showed me so clearly that it doesn't even matter who I am or what I do, because all that matters is that He has CHOSEN me.

And if He has chosen me...

Then He's chosen YOU.

God has no favourites. Everything that I've ever experienced is true for the Body of Christ too! Hallelujah! What a God we serve! He is more than able to give ALL of Himself of ALL of us...He doesn't have to split Himself and gives only parts of Himself to us, but He withholds none of His love and heart from us. He has lavished it upon us and I rejoice as I receive His showers and rains of everlasting love!!!

I believe

2009-03-08T04:29:00.003+08:00

It's so cool!

Today I finally stepped out in faith and spoke about what God had been saying to me over the last 2 months, and it started the wheels into motion. Nothing has changed physically around me, but everything within me has. A few hours ago, I was completely overwhelmed with fear, terrified about what the future would hold, afraid of being disappointed, scared of being humiliated, and most of all, petrified that I had heard everything wrongly. There's nothing I fear more than to hope and then be disappointed, and when I stepped out in faith today, suddenly it was like God's word and promises just might actually be fulfilled, and the possibility of it actually coming true terrified me, because I knew I would be so crushed if it didn't. I've always been the kind of person who rather not pursue anything that meant anything to her because it hurts too much to be disappointed.

But as I read through my blog tonight (when I should be doing my assignments *slaps head* stupid, stupid! Why is it already 4:35am?), I was just so struck by His faithfulness, His committment to seeing me succeed and blossoming into the life that He has planned for me. And now everything within me is still. The anxiety and voices of doubt has been silenced. So I stood in the middle of the room and declared, "Yes, Lord, I believe. If I'm wrong, then may I be humble enough to say that I heard wrongly, but until then, Lord, I believe. Fulfill Your promise to me."

You know what? I take myself far too seriously, and God not seriously enough. I want to have the kind of faith that believes so strongly that even if I 'hear wrongly', that my God is bigger than that and that He is ALWAYS in control. My mistakes will never cancel out His sovereignty!!! So often I hold back because I'm scared of looking stupid, but my prayer is that I can be the sort of person who doesn't mind falling flat on her ass (yes, I said, 'ass') and looking foolish for God.

Ahhhh...it's so much more peaceful now to be at that place where I can say with conviction, "Yes, I believe. I believe!" and at the same time, "Lord, help me to believe!!!"

He leads, I follow

2009-03-05T01:34:00.002+08:00

Ever since I heard the Lord say to me last week, "You do not have because you do not ask", I have taken Him at His word and started asking for every single need that I had, from the smallest to the greatest. I had always shied away from doing this in the past because it always felt...well...too needy. But this week, He was really showing me that it was only my pride that was holding me back from receiving the fullness of the love that He desires to lavish upon me! He showed me that it is at that place of broken humility that I can come before Him, knowing that He alone sustains me, that His grace can flow and touch every empty place of my being.

What has amazed me so much is that from the smallest to the greatest need that I asked for, He has answered, and not just answered, but answered so quickly!!! It has wrecked my heart to encounter His love everywhere I turned this week, and I am completely overwhelmed. I always wanted to be the kind of person who loved Jesus for who He is, and not what He did for me, because it always felt less selfish. But He showed me so clearly this week that by having this kind of view, I was limiting His love towards me, because He rejoices in communicating and expressing His love to me!

This week has been tough, but it's been one of the most beautiful weeks ever. I was riding on the train on Monday when He showed up and interrupted. I saw Him in front of me, washing my feet, and it wasn't like the last time when He tried to do this, because last time, I felt so awkward and uncomfortable, I kept saying, "Get up! You're God! Stop!!!" This time, I just saw Him look so tenderly into my eyes as He washed my feet and I just kept gazing at Him and we couldn't stop smiling at each other.

What touched my heart so much was not that I wanted to wash His feet (because of course I would! He is the King of Kings!!!), but that He, my King, my God, would gladly wash MY feet. I looked straight into His eyes of love, completely overwhelmed and blown away by how my Jesus would so unabashedly and vulnerably place His heart out there for me. I could have not recognised (and I still don't fully recognise) the gift that He was offering me and trampled all over His heart, but somehow, time and time again, He keeps putting Himself out there so that I would know that He is my God who holds back nothing from me. I could sense so much love and tenderness, and HOPE that I would respond to His love as His bride and it broke my heart, because I know that I break His heart over and over again, but He is always saying, "It is worth it. For you I would die a thousand times over because I love you and have desired you before the creation of the world."

I was so wrecked in the face of such pure, consuming love that I nearly lost it right there on the train. Seeing His passion and desire for me ignited my own passion and desire for Him, and as I gazed into the unfathomable depths of His love, I could not help but cry out in my innermost being, "Lord, take all of me. Take all of my heart. Consume me and make all of me Yours because I gladly give myself to You, my precious Jesus."

There is nothing I can ever do with the strongest of human zeal to ever stir up a passion for God that will last. But, as He shows me His love, as I understand the depths to which He has loved me, a flame is set ablaze within me, a burning flame of love that consumes everything apart from the One I love.

"We love because he first loved us." - 1 John 4:19

Intimacy

2009-03-01T14:17:00.002+08:00

"But Zion has said, 'The LORD has forsaken me, the LORD has forgotten me.' 'Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of My hands.'" - Isaiah 49:14-16

Lately my eyes have slipped off the Lord and onto all the people all around me, and as I saw how God was using them, discontentment started breeding within me. Though a part of me rejoices when I see what He is doing with those around me, there is a question in my heart, 'Why not me?' and the more I refused to face this, the more this tiny question grew until it frustrated me even whilst my mind was focused on other things.

The Lord has spoken to me many times to be patient and that my time has not come yet, always bringing me back to that story of David and Saul and how even after David was anointed to be king of Israel, he still had to serve and wait to see the fulfilment of God's promise to Him. In fact, when Samuel went to anoint the further king of Israel, not only did Samuel think it was Eliab because of the way he looked, his family did not think David was even worthy enough to be brought before Samuel.

I know what God has spoken to me about the plans He has for my life, and what glorious plans they are! There has been so many different individuals who don't know me prophesying the same things over my life, and it has frustrated me because I am so impatient and I want to see everything NOW!!! But that's not the way He works, and as I sat with Him earlier, He was showing me that it wasn't so much that I wanted to be used by Him right now, but rather I wanted to be used by Him so that people would see what He has placed within me, so that I would have confirmation of what He has told me He would do in my life.

That was when I realised that all this is because I did not really believe! I wanted signs to confirm that He really would do all those cool things in my life, but He's trying to tell me right now that it's not whether people 'recognise' it or that I'm seeking out opportunities to 'develop' the gifts He has given me, but it's about His faithfulness to fulfill every promise He has ever spoken to me! Those who hope in the Lord will never be put to shame.

Even if I don't see even the slightest fulfillment of His promises in the next ten years, will I still hold on and believe? He was reminding me of Joseph earlier, that even with all the dreams Joseph had, it was a long journey and walk before he saw the fulfilment, and man, when he was in prison, he must've been like, 'What is going on?!?!?!' Oh Lord, have mercy on me and help me to hold on to hope and to cling to Your promises, even if everyone I know is serving you in these great ways and I'm not...yet. I know that I will one day, for Your word is true and it always stands.

I really praise God for showing this all to me just now, because the truth is, with all this discontentment, even though I desire more intimacy with Him, what I desire more right now is to be used by Him. It was pretty humbling to have to admit that but I know that only He can change my desires and bring me back to that place of deep communion with Him...there's nothing I can do to change this deceitful heart of mine!

I do...I miss Him so much. He still speaks so much, and I still spend so much time with Him, but I'm missing the sweetness and joy of just BEING with Him. I miss the days when He would interrupt whatever I was doing just to say that He loved me and that He desired me. I miss the days when our intimacy was more important to me than who I am and what I do.

Lord, bring me back to that place once again!!! Be my one desire and passion! Jesus, You are a Jealous God and a consuming fire...consume all the other loves in my life apart from You. I can't bear to live without that sweetness of communion with You. I pray not that You would restore that passion to what it was before, but I pray that out of this dry season, the result would be more passion, more desire, more fire for You.

Quiet times

2009-02-28T03:57:00.003+08:00

I received this comment today on one of my blog posts and unfortunately it was from an anonymous person so I couldn't respond to them personally, but I guess I want to do the next best thing and respond over here because I think it's important that it's addressed :)

"i'm so encouraged by your writing. how, how would one grow & walk in God? i try and fail, and try, and fail. it stinks. i'm thirsty -- but does it involve getting bored at devotions at first -- though you KNOW theres so much life to be had!?!?!"

One of the things I realised through reading my blog is that a lot of my posts are about the really cool and awesome things that God is doing, and whilst I do believe that it is important to proclaim the goodness of God, I don't ever want people to read my blog and then feel discouraged because they aren't experiencing all this yet. The truth is, whilst I do have pretty amazing experiences with God, it is not always high up in the mountain tops all the time! Just like every relationship, there are the ups and the downs, but we keep seeking that intimacy with Jesus because we love Him and know that we need Him for everything.

When I first started spending time with God a little over a year ago, I could not even spend 10 minutes with Him. Time seemed to pass by so slowly and often times, I would just fall asleep or be so bored it felt as if I was asleep. But, the important thing for me was that God really showed me that though my willingness and desire to connect with Him was there, it would not be my own strength or willpower that would sustain me and bring this about...this had to be a divine act of grace! I kept crying out for grace to keep meeting with Him and persevering even though at first it seemed like I was going nowhere, and somedays I had to grit my teeth and spend some time with Him even though He felt so distant because I knew that I needed Him so much.

Somewhere along the way, things DID get easier, and as God and I kept meeting regularly, He continued His work of changing my heart until He became more and more real to me and our quiet times together became more and more satisfying. That doesn't mean it's all always super cool though, there are days when He is silent or when I'm just too tired to even focus on Him, but what's important is that we realise that even when it feels like nothing is being accomplished, you can never lose when you choose to invest in intimacy with Jesus!

I have many days when I feel like my prayers are hitting the ceiling and days when I don't even know what to say, but man oh man, when He does show up in a big way, it is so amazing that it makes everything soooooo worth it!

"But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who HEAR the word, RETAIN it, and by PERSEVERING produce a crop." - Luke 8:15

Loving the unlovable

2009-02-26T02:19:00.004+08:00

You are so amazing, God!!!!!!

So here I was, struggling with loving this person, trying to fight with impatience, but then when I came to the end of myself and realised that I do not have it in me to love her, I cried out to You, and You answered. How quickly You work, my God!

I can hardly believe that someone that used to grate on my nerves so much that I couldn't stand being around them has suddenly been transformed in my eyes in a few hours. All I did was confess my lack of love for her to my brother and sister and we prayed together and asked that the Lord would give me love for her because I desired to love her the way Jesus did.

Then suddenly, I felt convicted. Convicted of the unloving way I had treated her in my attitude and heart when what I should have been moving in was compassion and love. So, first came repentance to God whom I had sinned against and hurt.

Then came an email to her repenting for my lack of love for her and telling her that I wanted to stand by her and support her (I can't believe I not only wrote that but actually FELT it, because just a few hours ago, I wanted to run away as far as I could from her!!!). But then I really felt like I wanted to say it to her so I called her and repented (which must've made me seem so weird because she and I have spoken less than five minutes in all the time that I've known her) and SHE FORGAVE ME. Not only that, she actually said that she felt like I didn't do anything against her...oh how sweet is Your forgiveness, Lord!

How is it that my Jesus is able to change my heart with just one touch from His Hand? How is He able to give me compassion that breaks my heart for the same person that only hours ago made me cringe everytime I was near her?!?! Not only that, but I feel this sudden burst of affection where I just want to go to her and talk and know her and hug her and kiss her and hear her story...It's too crazy!

My God is amazing!!! It is wonderful that I can do nothing on my own, because how awesome it is that He does it all for me!!!!!!! I am so astounded by the grace that that person extended to me and at the same time, so completely humbled because I see just how sinful I am, and how great and completely wonderful my God is. Thank God His blood covers all my sin and that His goodness covers all my weaknesses.

This is the answer that I keep forgetting. How do I love those that I cannot stand? I cannot without Him!!! But by His love and His goodness, I can love the whole world!

Yay!

Hallelujah!!!!!!

I am nothing

2009-02-25T01:55:00.000+08:00

I know nothing.

Honestly, the more I walk with Him, the more I realise that I know absolutely nothing. I can do absolutely nothing apart from Him and I dare not trust myself at all. I am frustrated by my weaknesses, and I am fed up by all my failed attempts to change myself...this is why I need a Saviour...There is nothing I can do, with the most passionate of human zeal to ever change this deceitful heart of mine.

As I was praying earlier, I was a vision of me entering into the throne room of God but there was this long checklist trailing behind me. On it, I saw certain items like, 'Spend time with God', 'Prayed for people', 'Listened to someone's problems', 'Encouraged someone'...

These were the things that I didn't realise that I did to make myself 'feel' righteous and like a 'good Christian', but God showed me that this was actually a work of my flesh apart from Christ, and that this was not what He desired for me. Jesus wanted me to know that it is only by His blood that I am made righteous and that He wanted me to lose all those lists of demands and expectations that I place upon myself. No more, 'I should' and 'I shouldn't', but just a deep knowing that there is no performance involved in my Father's love for me.

I try and try and try to please Him, but everytime without fail, I fall flat on my face.

Oh Lord, help me!!! Only You can change this prideful, hardened heart of mine...

When the past comes knocking...

2009-01-03T02:47:00.003+08:00

Nostalgia...

I was going through my stuff in my room in Singapore earlier and I found a pink notebook from my past. In it was all the notes from friends in Thailand when I moved away in 1999 to Hong Kong. It made my heart so warm to read all those notes that were so full of love and encouragement, but at the same time, it was so bittersweet.

What happened that made me think that everyone hated me? Why didn't I ever keep in touch?

I can't for the life of me figure it out...when I left Thailand, it's like history rewrote itself and I couldn't remember the good times anymore. All I remembered was darkness...the hurts, the pains, the complete despair of feeling rejected, bullied, ashamed of who I was. Could the darkness have been so great in a little girl's life that she forgot all the happy memories? Or was it just a defense mechanism to help with the pain of leaving people behind?

I guess I'll never know...but what I know is this, finding that notebook and reading it was hard, but it is healing me. My name was not Rejected and I was not hated the way I thought I was. Most of all, I was not the complete monster that I thought I was. Yes, I was and still am a sinner, falling short of the glory of God, but I don't have to hate myself anymore. I don't have to punish myself for the mess of the past.

Everything is nailed to the Cross.

Thank You, Jesus.

End of Semester 1!

2008-12-17T16:56:00.003+08:00

I handed in my last assignment and sat for my last exam for the year today.

Ahhhh...

What bliss.

I'm rejoicing over here that I have officially finished my first semester at CUHK. I never thought that I would actually live to see this day, and even when I first moved back to HK 6 months ago, there was a small part of me that was just waiting for me to 'screw it all up' and I was watching the whole time to see when I would fail again. But the amazing thing is that His grace is so upon me!

2 years ago, I left Australia in a complete disgrace. I, the straight A student, flunked out of university because of a drinking problem and I spent the last 2 years getting my life back together with God. I had no friends, my family were strangers to me and I hated myself. But greater is His love than anything I could ever have done to try and destroy myself! The life He has given back to me is infinitely more beautiful and amazing than the life I had before I went down my path of destruction.

Indeed all things have been made new and the old HAS passed away! Hallelujah!

THIS is the King that I serve, love and worship. He is the One who gave everything that I lost back to me and blessed me beyond measure. I still look at my life sometimes and am just so overwhelmed by the joy and peace and most of all, love, that surrounds me.

I have the most amazing relationship with my family now, the most awesome friends in the world that I consider my family, I'm living alone in a foreign country and not just surviving but loving it and I've just finished my first semester at uni. Could life get anymore incredible than this?!?! I have no other words to express my complete and utter gratitude towards Jesus, whose death made all this possible.

Thank You, Jesus, that when You were in the Garden of Gethsemene, You saw that I would have need of Your sacrifice. Thank You for saving me.

Dancing for Him

2008-12-16T03:36:00.005+08:00

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." - 1 Corinthians 10:31

The dress rehearsal didn't go so well and I was pretty worried. I could tell that I was anxious because I was barely saying anything, but still, I remembered the words the Lord had spoken to me the day before, "You were lovely when you danced today and your dance is going to be beautiful tomorrow" and clung to that promise.

The second I stepped onto the stage, I felt the magic. His hands were on me...I wasn't just dancing for Him but dancing with Him. It was my first time dancing with Him and I'll never forget it. His presence was so strong and every movement I made felt as if it was overflowing with His hope and love, and the music just carried me from step to step without any stress on my part. I knew that He was there, and that my Love, my Prince was right there dancing with me, and that nothing else mattered except for the fact that He loves me. Time seemed to stand still and the world faded away as I danced and lost myself in Him.

*sigh* Every time I think about it I want to cry because it was just so beautiful. Who are we that God, the King of kings should care so much about us? Who am I that He should love me so? And yet He does!

It's a loooooong night

2008-12-01T06:37:00.004+08:00

It's now 6:37 in the morning, and I haven't slept all night.

Welcome to my life as a student.

I'm now 2000 words into my assignment and still have another 500 to go and after that, I have the delightful job of trekking 2 1/2 hours to the New Territories to hand in my assignments. It's funny...you'd think I'd be annoyed and frustrated, but strangely, I find this all so amusing.

Then again, that could be because apparently lack of sleep makes you behave in a similar fashion to when you're drunk.

Or maybe it could be the numerous cups of coffee I've drunk.

All I know is, after writing about musicals and Disney movies all night, I feel like dancing and singing my lungs out.

Life is good.

Ahhh...more coffee...*wanders off*

Singing the Psalms

2008-11-13T23:24:00.004+08:00

During my Quiet Time just now, I decided to try what I heard earlier today in a sermon about singing the Scriptures. So, I pulled out my Bible, and turned to Psalm 42 and asked God to put a new song in my heart and in faith just opened my mouth and started to sing about how much my soul longed for God. Granted, I didn't sound very good and felt a little foolish at the start, but the act of singing the Scriptures to God was so powerful!

I was almost halfway through the Psalm when Jesus' sweetest presence descended in my room. It was so refreshing that I almost cried. When I finished, I asked God to put His song in my heart and when I opened my mouth, it was a different tune and I started singing from His perspective about how He created me to thirst and hunger for Him. It was so beautiful! I was having such an awesome time that I didn't want to stop so I turned to Psalm 23 and started singing that one too.

After a while, His presence was so strong that I couldn't even stand anymore. I just fell on my face and was silent before Him while my heart just kept crying out, 'Holy, holy, holy!' and 'Consume me, Lord.' I could literally feel myself being lost in His love and I knew at that moment that He was there with me, embracing me and showering me with His kisses of love. I felt so tiny before Him and yet, I felt so beautiful in His eyes.

I just love those days when you're totally unprepared for what God has in mind, and He just shows up in such an incredible way.

How could anyone say the Christian life is boring?

Never give up

2008-11-05T21:56:00.002+08:00

I was walking along the footbridge today, on my way to school, reflecting on the amazing changes that God has worked out in me, through me and around me. I can definitely trace this great growth with the daily practice of having my quiet time with Him. I started disciplining myself around August last year, and I still remember the struggles in the mornings, waking up at 7am and desperately trying to stay awake to pray and read the Bible. I could barely manage 5 minutes back then, and I even had to stand up in front of the air-con, freezing my butt off in order to stay awake. And now? One hour just zooms by too fast, and I am astounded at the intimacy and closeness that I have with Jesus and how He honours our little offerings of ourselves to Him.

So I was walking and thinking about how I was a heavy smoker for 8 years and how incredibly hard it was for me to quit. I realised that this whole year I've managed to go without smoking, (except for the one cigarette that I gave in to earlier this year) and I couldn't stop smiling because Jesus has freed me from so many bad things. All the things that I used to hate about myself and despair over because I never could change, He has conquered and turned into beauty. I still remember all those nights I didn't sleep, crying over my absolute helplessness to change my circumstances.

And just as I thought those thoughts, some lady who was handing out these cards passed one to me, and as I glanced down on it, I saw 3 words printed on the card (there were only 3 big words printed on one side and that was the side handed to me). It said, "NEVER GIVE UP."

Oh AMEN!!!

The beauty of the Lord

2008-11-04T21:03:00.004+08:00

"The LORD reigns, let the earth be glad; let the distance shores rejoice.
Clouds and thick darkness surround him; righteousness and justice are the foundation of His throne.
Fire goes before Him and consumes His foes on every side.
His lightning lights up the world; the earth sees and trembles.
The mountains melt like wax before the LORD, before the Lord of all the earth.
The heavens proclaim His righteousness, and all the peoples see His glory."
Psalm 97:1-6

I was so tired out yesterday, and during my break between classes I ended up heading to the library to catch some zzz's. When I got there I decided to do spend time soaking in God's presence instead of sleeping, and it was probably the best decision I made because by the end of that hour, I was feeling so recharged and refreshed. It was so cool to know that even there in the library, He could meet me in such an amazing way.

When I left the library, the sun had already gone down and I was greeted by a gorgeous, delicate crescent moon framed by the vulnerable silhouettes of tree branches against a dark sapphire blue sky. It was so beautiful I couldn't stop smiling. His presence was so strong and everywhere I looked, my heart was just moved by the beauty and glory I saw around me. It was as if I was seeing everything through His eyes the way He had originally intended creation to be. I noticed everything...the way the leaves caught a touch of moonlight, the tiny flowers that carpeted the ground, and even the beautiful faces passing by me, each and every one so unique in its curves and bends. My heart was just singing and I wished so hard that I was in heaven so that I could just stand right there and lift my hands up and worship God, my Creator and Maker.

He is so full of glory and majesty. I pray that my eyes would be opened more to seeing His beauty reflected all around me!!!

I surrender, and He works

2008-10-08T20:19:00.002+08:00

I had the most amazing day!!!

After talking to Josh yesterday, I realised that I really was going to be miserable if I went through the next 3 years at CUHK without any friends, so I went home and said, "Papa, I know You're enough, but I really want some friends, so would You please connect me with some people?"

So today I'm on my way to class and I'm changing trains at Admiralty, and instead of walking straight across to the next train, for some reason I walk diagonally across so that I'm 3 carriages away from where I normally go. And as I walk onto the train and turn around, I catch sight of this guy Bryan from my Psychology classes! He walks onto the same carriage and we end up chatting all the way to uni. It was so awesome to see how God just directs all my steps and lines up all these divine encounters.

I was a bit apprehensive about going to my Anthropology class today. I went to the Anthropology tutorial on Monday and I was the only Christian in class who was willing to talk about her faith (we were discussing religion and the meaning of life) and I was put on the spot by the professor. He didn't really like the answers I was giving, so finally he said, "If you believe in Jesus and we don't, does that mean we're all going to hell?" And you know what? I was shaking as I said it, but I had to say, "I know how it sounds, but yes, if I believe in Jesus, and I do, then that's what I have to believe too." And of course, he was like, "Well, God help us, because we're all going to hell apart from you." Everything inside me was trembling even as I was walking out the class because I don't really like being the only one standing for something!

I knew that my next Anthropology class was today, so immediately I got people to start praying and of course that's pretty much all I did these last two days. So I get to class today, and the most amazing thing happens.

Firstly, the professor doesn't see me at all until the end of the lesson even though I was sitting right in plain view and at one point even right next to him. Secondly, when he was picking on the Christians, he turned to the medical students and was like,

Professor: So Karen, you're a medical student. Do you think those Christians are foolish?
Karen: Actually...I'm a Christian too.
Professor: Okay, well Bryan! You're a rationalist...you're a medical student too. Do you think they're foolish?
Bryan: Umm...actually, I'm also a Christian.

Oh, it was so perfect!!! I was gleefully chuckling in my seat.

At the end of the lesson, I hung around and there was this one girl who wanted to know more about God, so I ended up sharing with her my testimony and talking to her about Jesus and how awesome He is!!!

The real icing on the cake though was when this random Christian girl in my class ran up to me at the end of the class and hugged me! I didn't even know her before she hugged me! We ended up chatting and exchanged numbers because we seem to have heaps in common.

Oh, how good is God???
I can barely contain my joy!

Am I going crazy?

2008-10-05T18:54:00.002+08:00

I think I'm losing my mind.

I'm STILL writing my paper for Psychology, except now I'm laughing hysterically every 20 seconds because I'm reading it out loud in an Australian accent, and then an Indian accent, and then a Chinese accent. Did I mention that I'm doing this in my bedroom...alone??? Surely this is a bit weird even for me?

It's been a long time since I've had to write something 'academic'...more than 2 years to be precise! And it certainly shows...there's been so many times while writing this paper where I find myself typing, "And so I give glory to my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ," and then go, "Ooops...that's not gonna work," all said in a nice Indian accent with the head bobbing thing too, of course. I tried to end my conclusion with, "In Jesus' name, Amen," but obviously that's really not gonna work either. How do people normally end their academic papers? "The End" ??? "And they all lived happily ever after" ???

I know there must be something intelligent somewhere.

I just can't seem to find where it's hiding.

He even helps me write my papers!

2008-10-04T18:47:00.004+08:00

This is so exciting!!!

After blogging my struggles in my last post, I went back to crying out to the Lord and telling Him that I was surrendering to Him. Surrendering my reputation, surrendering my studies, surrendering every right I have, that I might be used by Him no matter where I am to bring light. And you know what?

My precious Jesus started speaking to me and giving me the outline for my paper and He even gave me the opening sentence! So awesome! This is the God we serve. A God who is so intimately and personally involved in every area of our lives!

I love how Jesus phrased so many of the things He wanted me to talk about. He is so amazingly and fabulously humble and encouraging. Not once did He put down Psychology, but He kept affirming the good things that Psychology has contributed to society and then added on His truth afterwards. He is so positive and never condemning! He is so beautiful. *sigh* I am so in love.

I love it. I could not have a better Teacher :D

Jesus & Psychology clash

2008-10-04T17:16:00.005+08:00

I have 2 papers due for Psychology next week, and it's now Day 4, and I still have nothing written. It's an understatement to say that I am struggling.

My university takes a very scientific approach to Psychology - everything is evidence-based rather than theoretical, and there is black and there is white. There are no greys. Unfortunately, for the 2 papers that I have to write (the first 2 that I've had to write since uni started a month ago!), there is absolutely no way that I could write it without mentioning God and my faith. I cannot deny Him or lie that I embrace Psychology 100% because I don't. I believe that Psychology does have some truth, but that only Jesus is the way, and the truth, and the life. The problem is, I am in the minority and I know exactly how I'm going to sound when I write my paper.

Yes, I know that I'm not going to write with the attitude of, "You're wrong and I'm right." Believe me, I know how to be tactful and sensitive. But it doesn't matter how politely and gently you say things, or even if you just touch on it, the second you say the word, 'God', minds close up and people label you as a 'religious nut'.

I firmly believe with all my heart that only God can bring true healing because only He is the source of love and everything good. I was in therapy for 3 years and on medication too, and I thank God for using all those counsellors and Psychologists to help me to survive until I was ready for Him to meet me, deliver me and heal me. However, Psychology only gave me coping methods and strategies.

And that is why I can't write my paper on ethics without mentioning Jesus, that is why I can't write my other paper on my career plans to become a Psychologist because honestly, I don't believe in Psychology, I believe in prayer and the power of my God. And this is why I'm home on a Saturday and not at 180 fellowshipping with my brothers and sisters, because I am desperately praying and crying out to God that He would put to death every part of my heart that still lives for the approval of this world. Every part of me that is still unwilling to be foolish and ridiculous for His sake.

That I would be given that fire of love to not even deny Him in the smallest and most insignificant things because it hurts Him, it hurts Him, it hurts Him. Denying Him isn't even saying, 'He's not real', denying Him is not mentioning Him when I should or putting Him to one side and saying, 'You belong in the 'spiritual things' and not in my university life.' BECAUSE IT'S NOT TRUE. It's not true. He is my life and even at uni, He is my constant companion and lover when no one sits or talks to the kid who doesn't speak Cantonese. He is always with me and I will not hurt the One I love by ignoring Him in the papers I have to write, because these are reflection papers asking us what we think and not research papers where I can just plonk down quotes and references from other people.

If anyone's ever had to write a paper for college where it was unavoidable to talk about their faith, please email me!!! And for the rest of you, please pray. God knows I need it!

Sharing my testimony with a stranger

2008-09-11T00:01:00.004+08:00

I had the weirdest experience on Monday whilst grocery shopping. There's this supermarket opposite from where I live that sells their sandwiches, salads, sushi and fruits for super cheap after 6pm. So there I was, browsing in the sushi section, when this old-enough-to-be-older-than-my-father, Caucasian businessman approaches me and starts chatting me up.

At first I was feeling so uncomfortable...I remember thinking, 'Oh no...not this again. Why does this always happen to me? What's wrong with me?' But then quickly, I focused my thoughts and asked God, 'Should I walk away now?' Surprisingly though, God said, 'No, wait.'

Me: "Okay...well, what do you want me to do God?"
God: "I want you to share your testimony and tell Him about how I have changed your life."
Me: "Umm...okay...when?"
God: "Just wait."

So I wait and suddenly the conversation turns from my pretty smile to what I'm doing in Hong Kong. I start telling the guy that I was studying Psychology so that I could go into counselling because growing up, I had a lot of messed up friends who were suicidal, addicted to drugs, alcoholics, etc. "But a nice girl like you shouldn't concern herself with such depressing things! You'll just get down listening to all those problems that people have", the guy said.

I suddenly see my opening and I jump in, "Actually...I think I'll be okay because my faith will sustain me." And then right there, I start sharing my testimony (the poor guy didn't know what he was in for when he talked to me!) and talking about how Jesus has impacted me so much.

And you know what? Turns out this guy was actually an ex-Sunday School teacher who became so disillusioned with the church that he walked away. I really believe that Jesus misses him and He used that situation to remind him of that. Praise God! It was strange...once God opened my eyes, I didn't even see him the way I normally see old guys who hit on me (as dirty old perverts!) but I saw him through God's heart and saw just how lost and miserable he was without God. I saw him as a person who'd made mistakes, just like me, but someone who was still so worthy and deserving of love, because that is the whole purpose of why we were created. We were all created to share in this divine love, and it breaks my heart to think of people who're missing this sweet and eternally fulfilling fellowship.

I'm still so tickled when I think about how God totally turned a potentially awkward situation into something good.

God: 1
Satan: 0

I'm on the winning side. Oh yeah, baby!

Odd one out

2008-09-06T23:02:00.003+08:00

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." - Romans 8:18

I'm feeling a little pensive tonight. It's a beautiful Saturday night and I've just spent the day lazing around at home, and I feel like going out and chilling with friends.

Unfortunately, the people that I want to hang out with are either at home with their family, or out at a bar or club. It's hard because I do want the company, but I made a commitment to God not to go to any bars or clubs, and I know that it's totally not worth it to go out with my friends there even if I don't drink, because afterwards I will feel the conviction so much.

It's so easy to justify it by saying there's nothing wrong with those places, because honestly, the Bible doesn't specifically address this, but I've made a covenant with God not to set foot in bars/clubs, so I cannot and I will not go where He has not led me to go. Some might say this is too strict, too 'superspiritual', but all I know is that I cannot do that which will affect my walk with Him by breaking our agreement.

Still, it sucks, because no one wants to be home alone on a Saturday night. It's funny, though, eh? I get to stay home with the Creator of the universe and enjoy His company, and yet in my humanness, I can only see what I want which is human company. Still, in this trial of feeling like the odd one out, I will choose to praise Him.

To praise Him for life, to praise Him for joy, to praise Him for every good and wonderful gift that comes from Him. And most of all, I praise Him for His heart, His big and beautiful heart for me that brings me so much delight.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

My first week at uni

2008-09-04T19:51:00.003+08:00

Well, my first week isn't completely over yet (I still have class tomorrow) but I figured I'd blog about it tonight. It's been an exhausting and extremely stretching week, what with not being able to speak Chinese (I'm going to Chinese University...do you see the problem?), and not even being able to find my classrooms on the map, oh and don't forget the day I was singled out in class because I was the only student who wasn't wearing the 'official' PE uniform.

Yeah...it's been interesting.

Haha, I remember the zeal and enthusiasm I had before I started uni, stars in my eyes, dreaming of bringing revival to the campus and being a bright shining light. I still believe God will do all those things, but it'll definitely be Him and not me because even the Campus Crusade for Christ fellowship is all in Chinese. They had a fair today to advertise all the student groups and organisations and not a single one was in English!!!

I've been completely humbled. I'm starting to realise that as much as I want to be such a blessing to people, this is also a place where I will be further refined and tested. It's hard to not be able to speak Chinese, it really puts me at such a disadvantage, but it really is such a great thing! My whole life, I've always been so self-sufficient and would never bring myself to ask for help. This week would've been a disaster if I didn't ask for help! In fact, I found myself asking for help more times this week than I probably have my whole life!!! I was completely at the mercy of other people's goodness towards me, and totally helpless and dependent on their help.

It's an interesting place to be at...a mix between being humbled and vulnerable. God is really breaking my pride through this, because I've always expected myself to be 'perfect', to 'know everything' and to only accept help from people if I can 'pay them back'. But right now I'm in a place where I really have nothing to offer except my questions and need for help!

God has been so faithful though. Every morning I'd cry out, 'Oh Jesus, help me get to my next class, I can't find it on the map, I don't even know the building name because the building names on my timetable are abbreviated! Oh Lord, I don't even know what bus to take or what station to get off at!' and every time, He would always send someone who would overhear me either muttering to myself (yeah, I have that bad habit), or opening my huge campus map like a tourist and take me to my class or give me directions. I haven't missed a class yet!

The other thing that He's really working in me right now in this situation is being able to stand alone in being different. I've never been so alone in a foreign situation before, but He's working patience in me when people get bored talking to me and start speaking in Chinese and I don't understand what they're saying. It's obvious I stand out, and that I'm different, and when people start finding out about my beliefs, I'm going to stick out even more, but I know that this is only the beginning of the training for the rest of my life.

Being the 'foreign' girl who doesn't really have friends, will I conform to what people want in order to have friends, or will I be content to be alone (if it should come down to it) and stay true to Him and retain my integrity? I need grace!!!

I really love this situation I'm in (I know! Maybe I'm a little weird...) because I know without a doubt that I'm where I'm supposed to be. There are challenges and things that are so frustrating at times, but so often, I'll be sitting in my lecture and this peace will wash over me, and I'll just sigh this big sigh of complete contentment. I know He's doing a great work in my heart even if I don't understand it all.

It is pure joy to persevere through all this by His grace and know that everyday, I'm being moulded more and more in His image.

Yay! I'm becoming like the One I love.

Jesus and I are off to school!

2008-09-01T00:08:00.003+08:00

I start my first day at university tomorrow morning!

After dropping out of university in Australia 2 years ago because my drinking problem, I am finally going back to my studies! During these last 2 years, God has not only healed and restored me, but He has filled me with so much love that I am being sent onto the campus tomorrow overflowing with His love and light. Praise the Lord for how He redeemed my life and for His goodness and grace! Praise the Lord for my parents who have been so gracious to give me this second chance and invest in me again. I am so eternally grateful for the blessings that I have received.

I am so excited about my first day tomorrow. Even though I was a Christian when I was studying in Australia, I was totally oblivious to Jesus. But this time, I get to sit in the classroom...with Jesus! I get to sit in the lectures...with Jesus! I get to eat lunch...with Jesus! I get to talk to Him during the class and ask His opinion on things. I'm so thrilled to be able to do new things with Him! With my precious Jesus, every ordinary thing becomes extraordinary.

Oh my Jesus, You have become so very precious to me.

"I am my lover's and my lover is mine." - Song of Songs 6:3

"Your words are anointed, don't hold back."

2008-08-26T14:31:00.002+08:00

"Light doesn't say a word...it just shines! Just let that shine and people will be drawn to that light inside of you, which is Jesus." - Bill Yount

I am finally understanding more and more of what God meant when He told me not to hold back from speaking His Words. In the last year, He has told me through 7 different people who didn't really know me that He has anointed my words and that I wasn't to hold back, but I've been a bit confused (okay, that is the understatement of the year) about what this means.

Last night when I was talking to my good friend Chris, he pointed out one of my blind spots which was that a lot of the times, when God speaks to me, I'm so thrilled that He's even speaking to me that I don't bother to ask for clarification when I have questions about how He wants me to do what He's saying. Instead, I kind of sit there and try and 'guess' at what He means.

At first, I thought that God meant, speak more! Keep sharing the things He's revealed to me and what He's placed in my heart. So, with my usual overly enthusiastic nature, I opened my heart to nearly everyone and everything was exposed to them, because I was determined that everyone would see how good God has been to me. But that somehow didn't really work, and because of my mixed up understanding of what He was asking from me, I ended up not really showing any discretion or wisdom with who I trust, and I ended up getting hurt by several people. So of course I started thinking, "Hmm...there must be a better way to do this" and took Chris' advice and asked God for further clarification.

Turns out that when God told me not to hold back with my words, He didn't mean talk more and more! He actually meant listen more, but don't hold back from saying the things that need to be said in love and truth. Be wise and discerning, choosing my words carefully, not blurting everything I say out loud without discretion.

Thank God for clarifying this! I can see now the distinction between opening your heart and sharing things with only a select few that I trust, and speaking into people's lives whenever He prompts me to...those two do not necessarily have to be connected! You can speak into people's lives without having to share everything in your heart. I get it now! What a relief! I was getting pretty sick of constantly thinking that the principle of living a transparent and honest life meant exposing everything to everyone. It was a pretty scary place to live at!

"But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." - Luke 2:19

May I be given wisdom and discernment to know who to trust, and what to share, and what the Lord has revealed to me that is for my heart alone. Amen!

The joy of the Lord is my strength

2008-08-24T12:13:00.002+08:00

I remember writing in this post on the 31st of July this year that "nothing has gone the way it's supposed to" and that at the time, I had just experienced "the biggest blow so far". Oh, if I only knew what else was coming up ahead!

Things actually got worse, and I found out that people I deeply cared about and loved actually had been lying to me and betraying me. I remember the day I found out, I was so in shock I was shaking and I couldn't even barely breathe for about 5 minutes. But you know what the crazy thing is?

I have never felt better! Through all these storms (the metaphorical ones AND the physical ones!) God has just shown me so much of His heart for me, and refined not just my character but my love for Him and His people. It is so true that His grace is sufficient. The circumstances that I thought I could never bear and would break under has happened and instead of feeling crushed and broken, I had felt His hands lift me up to soar in the skies with Him.

These last few weeks have been one trial after another, each happening in steady succession, but out of His grace, He has drawn me so near to Him that I cannot feel anything apart from His joy, peace, love and strength. I can see how even though things seem to be going wrong, it's not with physical eyes I must see and walk, but with the eyes of my heart because what is unseen is a truer reality than what can be seen.

I mean, it still hurts so much, but I can really feel His blanket of comforting love wrapped around me and His love melting into my heart to bring healing. He gives me the strength to be able to say, "No matter what else happens, I will not let it stop me from praying for Your people, I will not let it stop me from loving and doing good, and I will not let it stop me from praising Your name!!!"

Amen!!! The joy of the Lord is my strength!!! He is more than able to give us the help to be able to respond in the right way in EVERY situation.

Typhoon Nuri

2008-08-22T13:58:00.003+08:00

This is the real deal! It's been a long time since there was a direct hit on Hong Kong from a typhoon. Typhoon Nuri should be directly hitting us in a few hours.

I've been lazing in bed all day, taking full advantage of the fact that everything outside is closed, but the sound of the wind gushing and whistling around is scaring me a little.

Spinning, spinning, spinning

2008-08-14T23:57:00.002+08:00

The storm is passing and I'm starting to catch the first glimpse of the rainbow.

His promises never fails and His Word always stands. I was so lost and confused last week, but He was faithful, and He found me and brought me out of the pit that I had fallen in. Things are starting to have a sense of flow and His peace and joy are reigning in my heart once again. Praise the Lord!

Yesterday I went to this awesome soaking session, and God gave me this vision of myself spinning around Jesus, so fast, so frantic, so enthusiastic. Jesus kept trying to hold me in His arms so that we could fly to the places He wanted to go to, but I couldn't stay in His embrace and kept pulling away to spin around Him.

He said to me, "You're staying close to Me, but you're not going anywhere because you're not resting in My arms."

Then I saw a long, dusty road stretching out into the distance, and there I was on His back, clinging on like a koala. I said to Jesus, "Lord, I'm so heavy if you carry me we're going to go so slowly. Let me walk!" But He said, "Watch."

And as I watched, He started running faster and faster, and I could feel the wind on my face, in my hair, and I saw the scenery on either side of the path flying past.

He said, "It's time for you to start running with horses and not with men. You have run well with men, but things are going to get tougher and you will not be able to run with horses unless I carry you. You need to learn to rest in My embrace and let Me do the heavy-lifting. You must remember to let the power of My Holy Spirit empower you to do everything I've asked you to do."

I'm still not quite sure what my vision means...the Lord is still slowly revealing it to me and today He showed me that the first part of my vision is the way I treat my quiet times with Him. I'm there with Him, spending time with Him, hours in fact, but He does not have my undivided attention. I am distracted, washing dishes, listening to the TV as I try and hear and read His Word...multi-tasking to the max.

Just as I quickly tire of spending time with people who aren't fully present, so He too gets tired of all my flitting about. He wants me to get back into the stillness, the quiet, and focus all my heart, soul, mind and strength upon Him because He loves me so much.

Tonight I put aside all the distractions and gave Him my undivided attention, and wow, it was so powerful. Who knew??? (Don't answer that!)

Fitting in

2008-08-07T01:20:00.002+08:00

I haven't been myself ever since I moved to Hong Kong last week.

It's so hard because everything that I am and all my strengths are what is considered a 'weakness' by society here. I wanted to fit in so badly and to feel like I belong that I started to hide who I was and pretend to be the more 'acceptable' version of me. Add to that the pain I felt when I was rejected by someone I cared so deeply about, and you have a recipe for disaster.

Honestly, on the surface, nothing really bad has happened. In fact, if you didn't look too closely, my smile and laughter could almost fool you, but look deeper and you'd see the growing emptiness and confusion inside me. I wish I could be cool and sophisticated, the way everyone seems to be here...but the truth is, I will never be anything other than a simple girl who loves her God more than anything in this world. I tried to hide my love for Him all this last week, not just in my words, but in my behaviour too, and by doing that, I hid myself because I'm really no longer the old me. He is my life, and He is me...when I hide Him, I hide myself.

But no more. All the fitting in and belonging in the world means nothing if I don't have Him by my side. I am so lost without Jesus.

I prayed and repented to God tonight...the truth is, ever since I got here, I had trusted in my position, wealth, beauty and charm to fit in and it has worked to a certain extent. But tonight I realised that really, the most beautiful thing about me is Jesus. Everything good about me IS Jesus. There is nothing good about me apart from Him.

I don't want to deny Him anymore.

Maybe I won't be one of the 'cool' kids or part of the in-crowd...but I know that in the last week, I have made so many friends and done really super 'cool' things, but everything in me feels like it's dying because every little choice I made was an act of turning my back on Jesus. Nothing is worth sacrificing my relationship with my Saviour.

I can't live without Him.

His refining fire

2008-07-31T01:53:00.002+08:00

Ever since I started the 40 day fast asking God to refine me and burn me of everything that is not of Him, teach me to lay down my rights and also to heal me of my insecurities and hurts, nothing has gone the way it's supposed to.

Everything that I have deeply cared about, from possessions to sleep, change of plans to relationships, one by one, everything that I loved has been subject to His fire. Tonight was the biggest blow so far...the one thing that I feared so much actually happened but somehow through it all, His grace is with me and I feel peace.

My fast really isn't in vain...He is honouring His side of the deal and bringing me deeper and deeper in vulnerability and dependence upon Him. I have no security, no one to turn to, and because of this, I am starting to know more and more that I really have nothing apart from Him.

I've been praying lately that He would heal me of my insecurities.

Tonight He told me, "The way to be healed of your insecurities is to walk through them with Me."

So out of His grace, He has placed me in the exact situations that I thought I could never handle, so that I would know deep down in my heart the confidence that I have in Him. I came home tonight so sad, laid on my bed and cried and poured out my heart to Him and by the end of the hour, I was actually laughing at the jokes He was making. Yes, God makes jokes :) He actually has a really awesome sense of humour.

I had a few thoughts fly into my head saying, 'Why don't you go drink? Why don't you visit your friends who're out tonight?' but I quickly squashed them and not once did I ever entertain that possibility. Neither did I call anyone or watch mindless movies (my common distraction techniques), but I told God that I would go to Him first, not because I expect His comfort (sometimes instead of consolation He gives us grace to simply endure) but because I wanted to honour Him as Number One in my life and let Him choose how He would respond.

I really praise God for this painful situation that tested my love for Him because I always feared that I would fall back into drinking if something bad happened. But tonight, I passed and that love has grown stronger. I just need to remember that it is in my weakness that His strength is made perfect, so I cannot rely on myself but place full dependence upon Him to deliver me.

I told Him that I would continue to surrender to His refining, knowing that it hurts Him to see me hurt but that it is necessary to pay that price if I truly want to be His bride who reflects His glory and beauty. I told Him that I wanted to continue walking through the fire with Him and that I would not back down from this period of intense dying to self.

And then I told Him, "I will submit to You, but You and I both know that man, I will be glad when these 40 days of fasting is over!" And suddenly I found myself laughing hysterically and then I knew, this is what it means 'The joy of the Lord is your strength'. Afterwards, I felt so renewed and strengthened and ready to face these ongoing challenges.

Thank You, Lord, that even though You refine me, You are so gentle. You prepared me for today's disappointment not only yesterday and today, but in March! I pulled out my journal just now and read the exact words You spoke to me about this situation during March, and now it's come to pass. Deeper, Lord, take me deeper.

Goodbye Singapore...again

2008-07-28T22:27:00.003+08:00

I'm off again tomorrow! For the 2nd time this year, I'm moving to a different country to begin a new life...only this time I'll be committing to 3 years instead of 6 months. Ahhh...it feels good. Since the start of 2007, I've been in Hong Kong for 7 months, Singapore for 4 months, Penang for 3 and a half months, Nepal for 6 weeks, Singapore for 3 weeks, Hong Kong for 1 week, and Bali for 1 week. Whew...I'm exhausted just looking at that list.

It'll be good to settle down in Hong Kong for a good 3 years (at least!). I praise God for this chance to start anew and have a normal life! He is so good to me. I'm feeling so excited right now because I feel like I'm stepping into the start of my destiny. For so long, my life has been on standstill, a transistion period, neither here nor there, but now I am going to the place where God has been calling me and I get to be planted and put down some real roots.

This last year has been such a time of immense growth and healing, and I can't wait to be back in Hong Kong and see the place through different eyes. I was feeling a bit apprehensive at first about going back to Hong Kong because it's the place where everything went wrong during my teenage years, but God has spoken to me so many times these last few days through other people and during my quiet time to reassure me that He is with me. I don't need to know every detail of where I'm going to stay or how I'm going to make friends because He will provide everything I need if I just wait on Him.

I really love Him for confirming so clearly that I'm really meant to be in Hong Kong because when things don't work out the way I want them to, or when I'm feeling discouraged, I can have the assurance that I'm exactly where He wants me to be, and He will honour my obedience by working everything out for me.

I'm not naive...I know it'll be tough, but I am determined not to complain when the going gets rough, and to keep my eyes focused above and not below. Why? Because I know that I am my Father's precious daughter, and I am Jesus' beloved, and I am so dearly loved by the Trinity. His love will enable me to endure all things for His sake.

Yes, there will be times where I will cry...a lot. There will be times when I feel discouraged and beaten down. But I WILL run into my Heavenly Papa's arms and know that His love is more than enough. I will die to myself and my rights and recklessly abandon myself to Him so that He can be that fragrant perfume that I carry with me wherever I go.

Ahhh...it feels so good to know that I am loved so very, very much.

Change of plans

2008-07-21T19:52:00.002+08:00

'I don't know the specifics of the plan God has for my life, but I know this: That no matter where He calls me, I will go. He will lead, and I will follow, and I want my life to be poured out for the glory of His name. No matter what the cost, I know that His grace will be sufficient."

It's kinda ironic that I wrote that yesterday.

I was supposed to fly to Penang this Saturday to attend the Father Heart School that I've been looking forward to since February. Also, I had been so excited about getting to see my friends in Penang.

But God had other plans. Last week, my university in Hong Kong called to say that I had to be in Hong Kong on the 31st of July to attend their student registration. So, my dad changed his flights so that he could be in Hong Kong to register for me on the 31st. But then a few days later, the uni contacted me again and said that I also have to be there on the 7th of August to collect my student package. Unfortunately, my dad wouldn't be in Hong Kong by then so he wouldn't be able to pick it up for me. *sigh*

That means my trip to Penang is cancelled :( I think I'm still processing through how I feel. I've gone from complete peace, disappointment, joy and then sadness during the day. I really do know that it's all in God's hands and that this is right, but my heart doesn't seem to know that!!!

Go Fest Asia 2008

2008-07-20T22:27:00.002+08:00

Man, I am absolutely exhausted! I've been attending the Go Fest Asia mission conference these last few days and I've had hardly any sleep. Liyien and Sharon (two friends from Malaysia) came down for the conference and stayed at mine, so every night we stayed up late talking, which meant that every morning we felt like we were dying when we had to wake up.

The conference was pretty good, but the highlight was definitely during the Friday night evening rally where Loren Cunningham (founder of YWAM) gave a message on reaching the next generation. At the end of his message, he gave an altar call and asked those who were willing to give up everything and give their lives to serve Jesus to come up to the front as a public commitment to Jesus. Well, I had already been laying this down during my quiet times with God so I didn't need any urging. It's pretty funny how much I've changed though...in the past, with these huge conferences, I always waited till lots of people had walked to the front before I got out of my seat.

This time though, I really didn't care what anyone thought, I just wanted God to know that I was so serious about Him, and I practically jumped over my friend next to me and raced to the front. I think I was actually the first one there, lol! Talk about being way too enthusiastic! But man, it was so good. When Loren was praying over us, my heart was pumping so fast and my whole body was just shaking and vibrating with so much life inside. I really thought I was going to pass out.

Loren was talking about how it was so possible to see the fulfillment of the Great Commission during my generation's lifetime if everyone played their part. Can you imagine how crazy that would be? Just the thought of it stirred up something in my heart and I was weeping at the thought of our Father finally having all His children home and every tribe and nation having had the chance to hear about Him.

I don't know the specifics of the plan God has for my life, but I know this: That no matter where He calls me, I will go. He will lead, and I will follow, and I want my life to be poured out for the glory of His name. No matter what the cost, I know that His grace will be sufficient.

Oh Lord, ever since I chose once and for all who I would serve last year, You ignited the spark that was in me and everyday the fire burns hotter. Give me Your grace, that I would never lose this fire but that I would walk with You everyday of my life. Burn me of everything that is not of You, refine me and purify me and make me like You. Consume me, Lord, that there would be nothing left in me but passion, desire and love for You. Restrain me in Your love and keep me on Your straight and narrow path.

I press on towards the prize, and I want to live for the applause of heaven and not of earth. Help me, Lord, because I am nothing without You. Give me the nations and give me the world because Your heart is for man. I want what You want, Lord, so give me Your heart and mind, that I would feel and think Your emotions and thoughts. I want less of me and more of You! Give me Your broken heart for the lost and needy and fill me with Your divine love that it would overflow and touch those who need it. I am Yours, Lord, and Yours alone.

Don't hide your light

2008-07-16T00:02:00.004+08:00

"Shout it aloud, do not hold back. Raise your voice like a trumpet. Declare to my people their rebellion and to the house of Jacob their sins."
Isaiah 58:1

I was reading this verse this morning, and the Lord really spoke strongly to me about the many ways I still hold back from shining His light into this world. As His children, we are not called to sit around defending our little Christian fortresses, but we are called to go on the offensive and advance His kingdom.

This is why we must shout it aloud, not just in words but in action! Our lives must be ones that are so consecrated to Christ that it speaks volumes to people, even when we don't even say anything. Physically, the words we proclaim might be said softly, but the truth they contain should resonate so loudly in the spiritual realm, bringing transformation and imparting life into all those who have open ears to listen and hear.

I am guilty of holding back when I should be shouting. There are so many times when unbelievers have asked me the reason I'm so joyful or have so much hope, and instead of telling them about Jesus, I just say something stupid like, "God is...ummm...good?" when inside me, the Holy Spirit is burning with all the words He wants me to say. Why? Fear of man. I didn't see it in myself till today, but I hold back because it was more important to me that people didn't misunderstand me than giving God full glory and credit for what He's done for me.

I didn't want people to think I was 'that freak' or think I was weird, so I would dumb down and water down my answers until they were 'socially acceptable' but there was barely any Jesus left in them. I was so convicted when I read this verse this morning.

We Christians have the answer, the cure, the thing that everyone is searching for. How would we feel if we had cancer and someone had the cure to it but chose to keep it to themselves, knowing that it meant that we were without hope and would die?

Yes, we have fear. Yes, we want to be accepted by others. But our love and compassion should compel us to step out of our comfort zone and break out of fear, because 'perfect love casts out all fear'. If we wait till we have prayed for enough boldness, or to be delivered from fear, we'll be waiting forever. Pray for more love and as you are broken over the heartaches and sufferings of others, you will find yourself pushing past fear and living a life that gives our Father the glory that He deserves.

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house."
Matthew 5:14-15

Stop holding back! Let's commit ourselves to fearing the Lord and not men, and allow Him to shine as brightly as He wants in us and through us. We need to be sensitive and respectful when we speak to others, but let it never hold us back from saying the things we know we should say.

No matter what we do, we will shine, because just as a child reflects the image of her earthly parents, we cannot help but reflect the image of our Heavenly Father. BUT, we can limit how much we shine for Him by trying to hide. Let's allow Him to polish and refine us, so that we can be bright lights guiding the world to His heart and not dim lights that barely light up a room.

Finished

2008-07-05T23:16:00.002+08:00

Man, that took so much effort. I've finally just finished manually importing entries from my other blog (which I've now deleted) and typing up blog entries from when I was away from home these last 5 and 1/2 months. Thank God it only took me about TWO HOURS!!! Haha, still, I'm not complaining...I love this blog.

I created a new blog when I moved to Singapore last year in August because I felt like a fresh start, but the more I try to run away, the more I realise that you know what? My past IS a part of me. It's not me anymore, it doesn't define me, but it really DID happen and I accept it now.

I WAS a drunk, I WAS an addict, I WAS messed up. But now I'm saved by grace and I really do have a clean slate. So I'm back (not that I think anyone even reads this blog anymore). I ain't running anymore.

Plus, in the last year, God has taken me so far from the person that I used to be that I don't even know who that girl from the past is anymore. Praise Him for transformation and change! Wooo!!!

DTS Graduation!

2008-06-08T23:06:00.002+08:00

It was my DTS graduation yesterday! I can't believe that it's all nearly over. It seems like just yesterday that I arrived here in Penang. I never thought that I would complete it...somehow there was always this part of me that didn't believe that I wouldn't mess this up.

It was such a good graduation! God really came through for me when I shared my testimony about my DTS experience. Before, I only had a vague idea of what He wanted me to share about, but when I sat down and asked Him for the specifics, He gave me so many details in a coherent, logical flow and even gave me key phrases!

I was so blessed. Before I shared, I had been praying that even though I was sharing to a room full of Christians and only sharing for 3 minutes, that God would somehow use my testimony to encourage people and build their faith. Anyways, so many people came up to me afterwards to say that they had indeed been encouraged! Go God!

Altitude sickness

2008-05-26T22:57:00.004+08:00

What an intense last couple of days! I never knew that altitude sickness could be so bad...I honestly felt like I was going to die. Thank You, Lord, that You don't think that I'm a pathetic failure for having to turn back. I cling to what Willemene said that You taught us perseverance through this because I still don't understand why my body failed me at such an important time.

Thank You, Lord, for Your grace and mercy. You truly sustained Willemene and I yesterday on the descend down. I don't know how we made it, because I could barely sit up in the cabin and I was throwing up and walking into walls like a drunk, but somehow You did it. Thank You for keeping us safe and for stopping the snow. Thank You especially for the porters that looked after us on the way down and were willing to carry us if we really couldn't make it. Thank You also for the people at Chylompati who took care of us as if we were family.

Lord, there was such a deception over me last night when we climbed up to Gosaikunda. I actually believed that You were an angry God punishing me for some sin that I had committed. I see now that this deception had already been in my heart, and the pressure of this situation caused it to come to the surface.

2 day seminar

2008-05-09T09:32:00.002+08:00

We're running a 2 day seminar at the church we're staying at, and all of us have to teach on a topic for about an hour and a half. We kicked it off yesterday and I taught on 'Hearing God's Voice'.

About halfway through my teaching, my nerves suddenly just kicked in and I lost it and started giggling and laughing hysterically. I was backed up against the wall (I was debating running out the door) with my hands over my mouth, saying OUT LOUD, 'Oh my gosh, what is happening to me?' Apparently this was round about when Hailey whipped her head back to the team and said, 'Start praying NOW!!!'

I was just about to run out the room when Jared shouted, 'Have some water!' This snapped me out of it, and I was able to carry on fine.

Despite my very human failings, God still touched the people, and when we had ministry time, there were quite a few people who did manage to hear from Him and receive some words and visions. Thank You for grace!!!

Ohhh...just a typical day

2008-05-07T20:30:00.003+08:00

Check this out!

Yesterday:

10:30am - handed out tracts on the street, shared testimony with Joti's family.
1:15 pm - cast out demon in lady.
4:00pm - handed out tracts at the park, walked through a crowded market place where we did a performance on the gospel and then shared my testimony to many Nepali villagers.

Today:

Visited 2 villages, performed skit in 1 village
Stopped at a road junction and did skit again, and also shared testimony to a crowd.

Isn't that crazy???

Another day in the life of a YWAMer :D

Father Heart Ministry

2008-04-26T18:45:00.000+08:00

Today we went to a Nepali church service where Seth shared his testimony and Niklos preached a message on the Father Heart of God. Before Niklos went up to preach, I got this sense from God that He was going to do something big during this service and I had a vision of the Holy Spirit being poured out on the church and people crying and being healed, so I wrote a note to Niklos telling him this. I nearly didn't send the note, just in case nothing happened and I was wrong, but in the end, God won and I sent the note, hoping that I heard correctly.

Anyway, Niklos preached an awesome message and the people were just drinking it in. At the end of the message, he had our team come to the front to pray for the people, and that's when things started happening! The Holy Spirit moved so powerfully and so many people were touched. I wish I could tell you the experiences of my other teammates, but we haven't really talked about it yet, so you'll just have to hear my side of the story.

Well, I went up to this girl and laid hands on her and the minute I started praying for her, tears just started pouring down her cheeks and she started praising Jesus. It was so incredible! This heat started rushing through my body and my hands started shaking, and I just kept praying over her in tongues and she was sobbing and thanking God over and over.

Then God told me to move on to this older lady and pray for her, and again, the second I laid hands on her, she started crying. It was crazy, her tears kept flowing and flowing, and before I knew it, she was in my arms and wailing. Like serious heart-wrenching wailing to the point where I was a little scared. But yeah, later on, she got her daughter (the first girl I prayed for! They weren't even standing together but somehow God directed me!!!) to tell me that she had this vision of a pig lying in mud and dirt and that when I prayed for her, she saw that pig rise up out of the mud. She praised God for the healing that He was doing in her, and they asked me to pray for them because her husband (the girl's father) wasn't saved.

I think there was two more people that I prayed for, and the same thing happened each time - the Holy Spirit came and they all cried as He started healing them. It was so powerful and I was so moved by God's heart for these people, and I loved how when He brought healing, all of them moved from tears into praising Him for who He is and what He's done.

It was so exhilarating. This is what I want to do all my life!!! It was my first 'real' ministry experience and what I tasted and saw, I want to be a part of always!!! God wants to bring healing and new life to His people, and I want to be His hands and feet. Something in me was so stirred up as we all ministered to the people...it was kinda like deep down inside me, something just knew that this was what I've been created for.

I want more. I want to see thousands, millions, the whole world come to Christ and receive the healing and life that they so desperately need. I want to be part of God's plan to usher in His kingdom, and I want to partner with Him! I want my life to count. I want to remain nameless and faceless while His name is glorified through my life, and I want people not to remember me, but the love that Jesus and I share.

May He be lifted up in my life and yours, and His name praised and glorified, forever and ever. Amen!

Nepal Adventure Week 1

2008-04-24T20:37:00.000+08:00

We're 4 days into our trip and I'm still loving Nepal. What's not to love? Good food, good accomodation and good company. :D I've definitely gotten to know my team better since we got here...you kinda have to, when the transport system here forces 22 people into a tiny mini-van. There's something bonding about sharing the same sweat as someone for a couple of hours...wait, excuse me while I go puke. I can't believe I just said that. That being said though, I'm pretty surprised at the fact that we don't smell as bad as I thought we would.

We went to a children's orphanage yesterday and when we got there, we were spontaneously told that we had to 'entertain' them for about an hour. So Niklos started story-telling while we acted, Jared entertained them with magic tricks, and the rest of us tried to make balloon animals (which didn't work because they kept bursting. I think I scared the kids when my balloon popped and I screamed).

There was this little girl who kept coming up to me and hugging me, and man, I just wanted to pick her up and bring her home :( I think it was Leah who said when we left that she's going to adopt 1000 Nepali babies. And Jared wanted to import Nepali kids to the orphanage that he's gonna set up. And Hailey's going to adopt them from him. Me? I ran down the road squealing, 'I want babies!!!'. Ummm...no.

Today we went for a prayer walk around this area called Bouddhanath, and then visited this big temple there. It was so heart-breaking seeing all the Buddhist devotees bowing down, prostrating themselves over and over again for hours without stopping. These people give up everything and sacrifice so much to earn 'salvation' and they believe they're on their way to attaining it. But, after they die, they'll find out that everything they lived for was nothing but lies. My heart hurt so much at that realisation. It really made me understand so much more how even if we're not called to be on the mission field in some 3rd world country, we are obligated as Christians to spread the Good News wherever we go and whoever happens to be in our area of influence.

As Christians, we can't turn a blind eye to the lost anymore. We can't be indifferent, apathetic...do we really understand the reality that these people will spend an eternity burning in hell if we don't step up and lay down our pride to love them and share with them the gospel??? It really challenges me so much. I don't want to stand in front of Jesus on Judgement Day and tell Him that I did absolutely zilch for His kingdom but spent my life and the blessings He gave me all on myself.

Anyway, I gotta walk back for dinner soon, but if anyone is reading this and has time, please pray for me and the team. Pray especially for protection and for our health. Thanks! :D

6 weeks in Nepal for missions

2008-04-21T02:30:00.003+08:00

"The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." - Isaiah 58:11

Thank you so much, Lord, for the blessings You bring to my life, how You always know what I need and then give me a hundred times more!

You have surrounded me in LOVE and I am drowning in it. Thank You that before I leave to Nepal, You gave me phone calls with Dad, Mum, Tom, Damien, Jimmy, Abby and I also got to see Les. You bless me abundantly and I could never thank You enough.

Off to Nepal in 2 1/2 hours!

Prophecies

2008-03-02T18:00:00.002+08:00

Prophecies can be so dangerous if we don't examine them according to the Word and ask God for confirmation. Even the most righteous and holy man can potentially give the wrong message not because they heard wrongly but because of the way they express themselves. For me, the prophecy that was said over me a few days ago caused me so much grief because the language that the person used was received by me in a way that made me feel so condemned. I have so many hurts and hangups that I felt so humiliated and shamed by the prophecy.

Thank God though that when I finally went to Him (after 2 days of not sleeping and LOTS of crying) and asked Him for the real message, He spoke the same prophecy to me but in the words and language that I understand. I see now that the essence of the message was pretty much the same, but because different words mean different things to me, I interpreted what the guy said so wrongly.

The lesson that God's been teaching me through this is that He wants to draw me into a new season where He doesn't use other people as much to speak to me because He wants to speak directly to me Himself. The leaders here are so anointed and so accurate in hearing from God that I fell into the trap of seeking them instead of seeking God. This whole prophecy thing has showed me that it's so important that whilst we must always be humble to receive other people's input into our lives, we must hear from God ourselves and seek Him and not other people.

Intimacy!

2008-01-23T22:25:00.001+08:00

The Lord spoke to me today when everyone was praying over me in small group. I felt God saying to me that He wanted to take me so deep in intimacy that I won't have to steal away to be alone with Him to be able to sense and feel His presence, because His presence will be constantly with me. Right as God was saying that to me, Liyien confirmed it by praying it out loud!

AWESOME!

Hearing From God

2008-01-16T20:30:00.002+08:00

We learnt THE coolest thing today. Jimmy's been teaching us on how to hear the voice of God, and he had us split into groups of 4 today where we were supposed to ask God for a word of encouragement for each person and then give it to them. Freaky stuff! I thought he was joking when he instructed us, but he WASN'T!

Today was a rough day...God brought up to the surface my deep rooted fears of abandonment and I spent my hour of quiet time bawling like a baby because I was so scared that one day, I would wake up and He would be gone. I feel like I've entered a fairy tale where Jesus is my Prince, and although I know that He'll never leave me nor forsake me, I guess deep down, so many people have walked away from me that I am absolutely terrified that He will do the same.

It's so hard because I really do know how weak and unworthy I am. I can't breathe, eat, wake up without Him, let alone try and navigate through life. Oh Lord, if you should ever leave me, I would surely die.

But thank God, for His perfect mercy, because during the encouragement time today, He spoke words of comfort into my heart through the people in my group (who didn't have any knowledge of what I was struggling with!!! So cool.)

Melanie saw God putting a new robe around me and wrapping His arms around me. He's been healing me and removing all the old things from my life, but now is a season where He's clothing me with my new nature. He wants to transform me so much that my past seems so far away and I won't be able to even remember some of the memories. He will remove the sting and emotions from all these memories and cause me to be able to see that He was always there. He was there even then but I wasn't able to receive His love, but now I can and He wants to take away all my fears, loneliness and feelings of abandonment.

Aafke saw God the Father smiling down on me and I'm skipping and dancing around everyone. There's a joy and sweetness around me and it comes from my Father's love. This joy spreads to everyone around me and my Father is so pleased wiht me.

Joy saw me in a courtyard in front of a great big house. The courtyard is so small but to me, it's so big and I'm so excited and happy with it. However, God is saying, 'Come into My house!' because He wants to give me more and more than what I already have.

Jimmy saw me with a new shiny crown on my heart and it says, 'I belong'. God will never leave me, and I don't have to fear anymore. The verse God gave him for me was, "I am my lover's and my lover is mine." (Song of Solomon 6:3)

Isn't our God just so magnificent? He comforts me in all my sorrows.

Discipleship Training School

2008-01-14T21:00:00.000+08:00

I've finally arrived! I've waited for so long for this, and I'm finally here in Penang to do my DTS with YWAM! God has blessed me so much that even though I was one of the last ones to arrive, I was given my own bunk bed and my own cupboard! It's more than I could ever have hoped for. He is so good to me. :)

Well, I'll be here for the next 5 1/2 months learning more about God and going on a 6 week mission trip. I really pray that while I'm here, I would really learn to discipline my body, that I might be able to be a morning person, waking up early to spend my quiet time with You. I'm a bit scared I won't have time to meet with You and seek Your face, so help me to make an effort because truly, all I want is You.

We were prayed over by the staff today, and Melanie (the base director's wife) had two prophetic images for me.

Lots of little lights and a huge light descending upon me (I felt God's liquid love just pouring out over me as she was praying this out!).
My mouth opening to speak and my tongue turning into a key that God had given me to unlock the hearts of men and women for their healing, that they might know God.

Isn't that so cool??? It's such a refreshing change from the darkness and monsters that people used to see when they prayed for me (lol!).

Birthday Party

2008-01-05T10:42:00.000+08:00

I had the most amazing and fabulous birthday party tonight!!! The night started off at church with a one and half hour prayer meeting. It was my first one so I thought there was a service on and I started chatting and laughing with my friend Jeremiah until I realised that everyone else around me was praying. Patrick explained to me that there wasn't really a 'service' but that it was more like soaking and praying. Haha, yeah after that I shut up and started praying ;)

All 18 of us went to the HK Cafe at East Coast Park around 10:30 where we ordered lots of food and took lots of pics. It was an amazing party! Okay, so as everyone who was there tonight can testify, I have a thing with party hats. Man, the party hats made the party so great! I loved that my very cool friends wore the party hats even though they were embarassed :) And when they presented me with the money that they had collected to bless me, man, I nearly cried. It was so sweet and I was so incredibly touched.

Oh, and after we finished eating, everyone went home but I was still so wide awake, so Patrick and I drove to Clarke Quay and did the Reverse Bungy AND the Extreme Swing (where you go up 45m and they drop you). All in all, it was a great night!!!

Which makes it even harder to leave. I love my friends here.

2007

2008-01-02T00:53:00.000+08:00

As I sit here and reflect on 2007, I am struck by how different 2007 was from any other year in my life. It wasn't an easier year (in fact it was the toughest year of my life) or a year where everything sailed smoothly, but through all the dark times, God was there. In spite of the challenges and troubles, He gave me a joy and peace that didn't change with the circumstances around me.

He is so faithful.

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." - 2 Cor 4:17-18

I started 2007 beaten up and worn out from the agony of trying to survive, but by His grace and saving love, I ended 2007 so full of hope and anticipation of things to come. I never thought that I would get here, and it's beyond what I could've ever imagined, but He knew. He knew that when I thought I had no hope, that He would be the One helping me to press on. He knew that when I was hurting and broken, that He would restore me and make me whole.

He knows.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

I never believed it before. I always thought that I would spend the rest of my life paying for the mistakes that I made in the past, but He taught me differently this year and even transformed me. How many of us are trapped in the prisons of our own making? I know I was trapped in guilt and condemnation for so long, but He was so kind and gentle and never stopped showing His love to me and most importantly, revealing to me what the Cross means for me. And as I saw how faithful, how trustworthy He really is, my heart started to open and somewhere along the way, I started trusting and really believing.

So bring on the trials and challenges, 2008!!! I will not fear nor run away, for my God is bigger than all this. He will thwart the plans of the enemy to destroy me, and He will be glorified and exalted. I am so excited to see how He will move in 2008!

Life can't get any better than this - having the Creator of the world on your side :)

May the Lord bless you more and more in 2008!

Christmas

2007-12-22T18:27:00.000+08:00

Listening to the Christmas CD that I just bought, I can almost imagine that there is snow just outside my window, children skating on the pond, and red-nosed adults warming themselves at the fireplace. I don't even want to turn around and look at my window lest this almost real world in my head disappears.

There's something so magical about Christmas songs. No matter what my mood, Christmas songs always make my heart sing and my head bop. From when I was a kid, I always associated Christmas music with special moments. Christmas was always a time when the world was extra beautiful all around me, with twinkly lights turning the ordinary into an ethereal landscape and when I was always surrounded by laughter and warm hugs.

But, this year, Christmas means so much more to me than that. Christmas is still a time for family and friends, but above all, Christmas is about Jesus. This is my 4th Christmas as a Christian and not matter how beautiful and joyful all my last Christmases have been before I knew Christ, nothing can compare to the joy and beauty of knowing Him. I rejoice that once we lived in darkness and without hope, but the great light of the world came and saved us. Jesus is alive! We celebrate Christmas to honour Jesus, because many years ago, our Saviour was born!!! He lived His life to die for us, that we might have life, and now He is alive in the hearts of all those who love Him.

Let us remember Jesus in this busy season. Through all the parties and gatherings and the last-minute shopping for presents, let us remember that Jesus is the reason for Christmas. He is our hope and the one who loves us the most. Set aside time in between all those social events to praise Him and thank Him for everything that He's done for us. :)

Busyness

2007-12-21T21:55:00.000+08:00

Even though it hurt so much to leave Hong Kong again on Wednesday, I am glad to be back in Singapore. These last 3 weeks have been so busy and I was trying to squeeze everything into such a short time that I wasn't able to spend the time I wanted with the Lord. The thing is, no matter how much joy I get from the things and people in life, none of it makes any sense unless I'm sharing it with Him. But, it is far too easy to get distracted and too busy to hear His voice.

I know that whilst I'm sometimes bored with the slower pace in Singapore (I thrive on excitement!) it has it's blessings. I was able to spend the whole day with God yesterday and this morning when I woke up, I was able to spend an hour and a half of unhindered quiet time with Him, and I can't believe how thirsty I was. In the last 3 weeks, I'd gotten so used to this dry and empty feeling that I didn't even realise how much I missed God. It was like drinking the cleanest ice-cold water after running in a desert in midday sun. I just couldn't get enough of Him, and I'm so thankful for the time that He's given me to seek Him. I can't wait till DTS where I can spend half a year with Him without too many distractions.

The challenge next year will be after DTS when I go back to studying. I don't ever want to be so busy that I don't have time for God. Actually, I believe that a lot of the time, it's not the fact that we don't have time, it's that we don't MAKE the time. If we really don't have enough time, then we're too busy and need to cut down on things that aren't so important. I know that I've been guilty of saying, 'Oh, I don't have enough time to meet with God today' but somehow I have time to go on Facebook or MSN. It's all about priorities. Will we guard our quiet time with God with our lives? If He really is Lord and our everything, then shouldn't we be fitting our lives around Him and not the other way round? God deserves our best. He deserves the first fruits of our day, not the last bit of energy that we have at the end of the day.

Beauty

2007-11-01T22:42:00.000+08:00

The question is asked, "Is there anything more beautiful in life than a boy and girl clasping clean hands and pure hearts in the path of marriage? Can there be anything more beautiful than young love?"

And the answer is given. "Yes, there is a more beautiful thing. It is the spectacle of an old man and an old woman finishing their journey together on that path. Their hands are gnarled, but still clasped; their faces are seamed, but still radiant; their hearts are physically bowed and tired, but still strong with love and devotion for one another. Yes, there is a more beautiful thing than young love. Old love" ---Anonymous

I was reading the book, "Stories For A Faithful Heart" on the bus this morning to work. I found it at the library yesterday, and it's basically a compilation of stories about love - God's love, romantic love, family love, love for the poor and needy, etc. This book is the kind of book that should be read in the privacy of your own home, because every few minutes, I had to gaze out the window and pretend to be so deeply engrossed with the scenery as the stories were so touching. My eyes were permanently watering with tears and I kept sniffling throughout the ride. How embarassing!

I don't know why, but little things touch me and move me so much more nowadays. I notice all the simple things, like the sound of raindrops dancing on the window, the kisses of the wind on my cheek, the complete innocence of a baby who smiles back at me when I grin at him. Yesterday, as I was waiting to cross the road, the wind suddenly picked up and a whole bunch of tiny leaves came swirling down all around me like snow for about 30 seconds, and all I could do was stand there with a stupid grin on my face and thank God for making the world so beautiful.

Sometimes, things are so beautiful that it breaks my heart. I love walking home after work (when my aunt can't be my chaffeur and send me home!) and just when I'm about to turn into my street, I catch a glimpse of the fiery red and golden sunset between the trees and the houses. It always fills me with so much awe, but sometimes I see it, there's this huge longing in my heart for something more and it moves me to tears. I read in a book somewhere that the reason why we are so moved by beauty is because there's a part of our spirit that remembers the way that God intended this world to be. And because of this, when we see beauty, our spirit is reminded of the glory and beauty of the original creation and it longs for that oneness that man used to have with God. It's a beautiful idea...

Beauty is all around us. It's in the reflection of the sun on the river waters, dazzling light blinding your eyes; the compassion of a stranger dropping a shiny coin into the old, worn cup of a beggar; the pure adoration of a child gazing into his mother's loving eyes...

We just have to open our eyes and hearts so that we can see.

Conversations With God

2007-10-28T19:59:00.000+08:00

I was going through my bookshelf today when I found a book I bought a long time ago before I became a Christian. That book was 'Conversations With God' by Neale Donald Walsch, and I remember that at the time, I had read it and found a lot of 'truth' and 'relevation' in the text. However, when I read it again today, more than 3 years after I had first read it, I was appalled at the lies in it.

Granted, there were a lot of logical and philosophical arguments in the book, and they were all 'politically correct' but many portions contradicted the Word of God. Thank God that I know His Word so much better these days, or I would have been misled by this book. It was saying stuff about how reincarnation was true, and that the author had lived some 600+ past lives. It talked about how we are all born Gods and Goddess and are born pure and holy. In relationships, we should worry less about the 'others' and concentrate on 'Self'; what 'Self' wants, what 'Self' needs, etc. It was very deceptive stuff, and made even more so by the use of Bible verses but out of context. The 'god' in this book also claims that there was no Original Sin or even a hell. If you don't know the Word properly, the insidious claims in this book would definitely throw you off.

As I read the book, I felt myself getting more and more angry (I NEVER get angry) especially when I was reading the part about Neale and 'god' discussing alcohol. The conversation was basically 'god' telling Neale that alcohol was bad, and Neale asking how alcohol could be bad when Jesus turned water in wine. The 'god's' response was 'And who said Jesus was perfect?' Oh, that just got my goat. Especially when I read later on about Jesus, Buddha and Krishna being placed on the same level. My anger turned into rage at the thought of the many people who've been deceived by these lies (and there must be many because this book was on the The New York Times bestseller for years) and turned away from the True and Living God.

Before I even knew what I was doing, I stormed out the house and slammed opened the gate, ripped the book into shreds and threw the book into the garbage bin. My parents were shocked. I had no idea they were watching me, but they said later on that they could feel my rage in the air around me. It makes me so angry when the enemy tries to distort and deceive, especially when he takes God's very Word and twists it in order to misled people. The devil comes to 'steal, kill and destroy' and can you imagine just how many souls are at stake if they truly believe that there is no hell, no need for God but just a need for Self because we are equal with God (yes, the book actually said we are equal with God), that Jesus was no one special and that we should shouldn't be afraid of death but embrace it because our bodies are eternal?

Yes, the philosophies in the book are very nice and pleasing to hear, especially because it allows you to avoid looking at the nature of sin in yourself, but because it contradicts the Bible, the 'god' in this book is not God, but a deceiver. And we all know who that is, right?

The best compliment I've ever gotten from a stranger

2007-10-06T11:53:00.000+08:00

I was walking to work yesterday the same way i always have for the last 4 weeks. With my iPod playing worship music and my mind on all the wonderful things God has been doing in my life and in the people around me. I remember writing a while ago about how the joy of the Lord was so strong and overwhelming that i found myself laughing and smiling heaps on the train and in public.

Anyways, I have to walk past this video store everyday to get to work, and the shopkeeper is always saying good morning. Normally I just smile and walk past, but yesterday, I was in such a good mood, I gave him a huge grin and chirped "GOOD MORNING!" Haha, he stopped me and he said to me, "I see you everyday and you always look soooo happy! I really like that."

I felt so blessed by that. I've never had a comment like that from a stranger who only sees me for about 5 seconds everyday. I'm so thankful that God has changed my life so much that it's His joy that people see when they look at me. I remember how I used to walk around scowling at people, with this huge cloud hanging over me. Praise God that I don't have to force myself to be joyful or act a certain way...just loving Him naturally changes things. Even on days when I feel like crap or I'm so upset about something, I know that I can always turn to Him and He is the one that will make things right, and if the circumstances around me can't be changed, then He will change me internally to enable me to deal with it and accept it.

Life is good!

What a refreshing way to start the day

2007-09-25T20:13:00.001+08:00

Unlike other people. I leave brushing my teeth as my last act instead of first. See, I find brushing my teeth so boring, so I wait till I've gotten ready and put on my contacts, and then brush them in front of the computer. This morning, after I was dressed, my makeup done and my contacts on, I began squeezing the tube of toothpaste onto my toothbrush.

Funny thing, I must've held the tube too close to the toothbrush, because when I move the tube away, it flicked against the bristles on my toothbrush, and flicked a clump of toothpaste straight into my eye. Yes, I had Aquafresh toothpaste in my eye. So I'm there debating what to do, trying to read the 'in case of emergency' text on the tube with one eye, and the whole time my eye is BURNING. Finally, I decide to flush out my eye with water (apparently that's the logical thing to do), so I very carefully and gingerly dab water on my eye (I'm trying not to mess up my mascara), and that water proceeds to liquidify that clump all over my eye AND cause my mascara to enter my eye.

Finally, 15 mins later (and many tears later), I sit down in front of my computer in my work clothes and start brushing my teeth. Only, I read an email that makes me excited and I forget that I'm brushing my teeth and so I open my mouth and cheer.

Toothpaste all over my work clothes...for the 5th day in a row. You'd think I'd learn.

3 years ago today...

2007-09-25T19:20:00.000+08:00

I was the only one getting baptised that day.

I woke up that morning with great anticipation and nervousness. It had taken a lot, but the day was finally here. I remember the week that had just passed. I had fallen out with one of my bestfriends over an argument about getting baptised, and even until today, we haven't spoken since. None of my friends understood why I wanted to get baptised, my boyfriend and I had broken up over my faith, and even my family were at odds with me. I remember this guy telling me, "Don't bother trying to be someone you know you're not. Those Christians will make you feel like you're burning in hell when they find out who you really are."

I was sad that I had no close friends that I could invite to join me on this special day, but so thankful that somehow God persuaded my parents to come (they weren't going to), even though they got angry and argumentative the whole way to Deep Water Bay. Even though there was this sadness, it didn't matter, because I knew that this day was about me and God. Up till today, I had convinced myself that even though I was saved, I could walk away from Him anytime I wanted to. But I knew that this public declaration of my faith was so important, and even though my life and walk with God was far from perfect, I wanted to be baptised because I wanted to be obedient to His word and to show Him that I was proud to be called His own.

My family, out of love for me, woke up at 6 on a Saturday morning, in order for us to be at Deep Water Bay before 9. I am still so amazed at their love for me, that though they didn't understand it at all, and they sooooo didn't want to be there around all these 'Christian people', that they still showed up.

I was bouncing off the walls of the bus the whole way to the beach, and when I got off the bus, I was astounded to see 10 people from my church waiting for me. None of these people barely even knew me, and they all had families to be with and children to look after, but they made such an effort and showed up to share this day with me. God is good! I don't even remember half the names of the people who turned up, and I remember only slightly more of the faces, BUT, I remember the love that I felt when I looked into these people's eyes. It was such an awesome feeling knowing that they were there just for me, to witness my declaration of faith!

My pastor and I walked out into the ocean with everyone watching us (even all the non-Christian beach people hehehe), and after I said, 'I do', he dipped me backwards into the water. As I was under, I remember thinking, "Lord, I die to myself so that You might live in me." As I broke through the water on my way up, I gazed up at the sky and at the streams of sunlight falling on the sea and this peace fell over me. I knew then that though I might think about it in the future, or even attempt it for a while, I would never be able to walk away from God and be satisfied again.

Once we've tasted of His glory, nothing in this world will ever compare.

Here's to the beginning of eternity with you, Lord! *clink clink*

YA Service

2007-09-23T00:43:00.000+08:00

I went to the Young Adult service tonight at the church near my house and it was pretty awesome. The majority of the people are younger than me, but there were a few guys and girls around my age, so that was nice. The praise and worship time was so powerful...the presence of the Lord was so strong, and one of the guys even said that He could see this golden mist surrounding the whole room! I was so close to tears at the beginning though, because the first song we sang was one that we sang a lot at the Vine, and in my head, I could hear the Vine band and see everyone that I love at the Vine standing next to me. It made me miss everyone so much, but I thank God that He is so faithful to connect me to the right people here. The message was pretty long (2 hours!!!) but it was so relevant and it really spoke to my heart, and it was kinda cool that the youth pastor was actually in my cell group yesterday (I got put into the an older cell group because I'm working and not studying). Everyone was so friendly...in fact, one of the people that I met last week at the Sunday service actually wrote about me in his blog because he was writing about all these new people that he had met! It's soooooooooo hard to remember names though.

We went out to eat after the service and I learnt how to crack eggs (long story...) What I really loved about these people was how joyful they were...they didn't take themselves too seriously, and they were fun, but at the same time, you could see their passion for God too. I was saying earlier this week that I was getting fat because my work colleagues keep buying and giving me food, and I think I'm gonna have a problem at church too. I haven't paid for food in so long. Last night, some guy paid for my noodles and drink, my relatives bought me lunch today, and some other guy paid for my food tonight. It's so crazy...since I've arrived here, I've put on 8 pounds :S The worse part is, when someone else pays for you food, you feel bad about leaving it behind, so I end up forcing myself to finish all of it.

I can't wait to see everyone at church again tomorrow morning! This guy I met tonight is going to introduce me to a woman tomorrow who's a dance teacher because I mentioned that I was looking for a dance school. I miss dancing so much.

*sigh* Even though I'm just getting to know these people, I have this sneaking suspicion that by the time it comes for me to leave Singapore in January, it's gonna hurt so bad again. But, I'm not going to let that stop me from investing in people's lives, in friendships and in Singapore. When I was in HK for the last year and a half, I really gave a lot of myself and invested in creating a life there, and even though it hurts so much now to leave it behind, it was also the most meaningful and amazing year of my life. We're supposed to be involved in life and to be connected, not a wallflower or observer but an active participant in life!

I'm so excited to see where God leads me next!

You are more than enough for me

2007-09-19T19:48:00.001+08:00

I never thought I could feel so complete in a strange land where I don't really know anyone, and yet I do. Every morning, I wake up and my heart sings for joy. The joy bubbles over inside me and consumes me and for just an instant, I wonder why I feel so amazing, so loved, so excited about the day, and then I remember and it makes me smile...Jesus loves me! Jesus. Loves. ME!!! How awesome is it know that the One who loves you the most in this world is with you all the time? He is in my heart, in my head, in all my thoughts, in me, around me, surrounding me, and I'm never alone. That just blows my mind. Every morning when I ponder the mystery of this, I find myself drowning even deeper in His love.

I never thought I would ever feel this way about Someone that I can't even see, and yet I do. Maybe I can't see Him or feel Him with my eyes and body, but I can see Him with my heart. He's everywhere I look and everywhere I turn, and I feel His presence with me all the time. Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever dreamt that it could be like this. The joy, the hope, the LOVE...Even without having a physical body to walk on this earth, He still manages to communicate His love for me in such special and unique ways every single day.

When I'm riding on the train to work, or even just sitting in my room, I can't stop the huge grin from spreading across my face. I stare into space in public when I'm alone, and remember something He said to me or did for me that day and I laugh out loud like a crazy maniac. I feel like I'm going crazy, but it's such a good feeling. I can't stop talking about Him or thinking about Him, and no matter what anyone says to me, I always find some way of bringing the conversation back to Him, because somehow He's just connected to everything. Even with non-Christians, I end up talking about Jesus's love because everything someone says to me reminds me of Him, and I just can't keep it in. Whenever I share about what He's doing in my life, my joy becomes complete, and I become so dizzy and overwhelmed by His outpouring of love unto me. I'm so scared that I'm going to squeal and dance around on the train, because when His joy flows through me, I find myself losing control. Lately, I keep having these fantasies of standing in the middle of a busy street and screaming, 'I LOVE YOU, LORD!!!'

It's like when you're in love with someone and you want the whole world to know. I want to stand on the top of the highest mountain and shout about everything that He has done for me. I don't want Him to bless me with anything else apart from more and more of Him, for in Him is my heart's greatest delight. I don't care if I don't have friends here, or if my job is boring, I just want more and more closeness with Him. I want to know His heart, because He knows mine. Oh Lord, don't ever let this passion for You die out in me. It is only by Your grace that I have this hunger for You, please continue to keep the fire burning in me. Consume me, Lord, I'm losing myself in You.

ARGH...Words are so inadequate. Melodies not intricate enough. For who can describe the full wonder of Your love? I've just reread what I've written and it doesn't even come close to how I feel right now. Lord, I pray that when I come down from this spiritual high, that I would remember this time and continue to seek You and pursue You even during the times when You feel so distance. May I chase after You even more during the times when You seem far away. Let me remember Your love when I'm in the valleys and continue to walk with You in faith.

Sacrifices

2007-09-09T22:30:00.000+08:00

There are always areas of my life that are unsurrendered to God, and just when I'm getting all pleased about the things that I have thrown off, He reveals to me something new. Oh Lord, this one is so painful, because it is not like the other things that were bad for me. This one is good, but Lord, it is not the best thing for me right now. I want to be a useful tool in Your magnificent hands, and so I am committed to removing from my life anything that hinders me from having an undivided heart.

Lord, You have shown me that You cannot use me the way You want to in Singapore as long as my heart is still in Hong Kong. You showed me how my plan to visit Hong Kong in October was not really as innocent as I wanted to think, but it was me trying to cling to and hang on to what I have already moved on from. I wanted to go back to see all my friends, and most of all, to spend time with D, but I know that by doing so, I would prevent myself from really committing to my time in Singapore. I believe it is Your will for me to be in Singapore, and so I can't live my life here going through the motions, living for my next visit back to Hong Kong. I have to let it go. I have to let D go.

I had the choice between going back to Hong Kong for a visit or going on a family holiday, and even though I had planned my trip to Hong Kong first, I know that I came back here to Singapore to be with my family, so even though it hurts so much, I choose to go with my family. Love is a choice, and I choose to love my family by putting them above my desires, because they are important to me and I want them to know that. God, You called me back to Singapore to be a blessing to my family and to serve them, so how could I be so selfish as to choose my own desires above my family? Lord, please bless the time that we spend together as a family. Let it be a time of joy and bonding...give us memories that we'll cherish for a long, long time, and even when those memories fade, let us never forget the love that we have for each other. Your will, Lord, and not mine.

I surrender Hong Kong and my longings to You, Lord. Give me a heart for Singapore, and help me to invest in the people here, and to start thinking of it as my new home. Create in me a pure heart, and renew my spirit within me.

The world around me is changing

2007-09-08T00:37:00.000+08:00

Or maybe it's the internal changes that makes me view the world differently. All I know is, nothing is the same anymore...nothing fits into my old expectations, and everything more than surpasses the level I could've hoped for. The Lord is healing the parts of me that enable me to receive love and that is making such a difference. Even with people I've only just met, I feel connected and accepted...the old awkwardness is fading away, and my expectation of disappointment and hurt is gone.

I went out with Serene and Xingni tonight to Holland Village and I was just blown away by how easy and comfortable everything was. No one watching us would have been able to tell that I'd only met these girls once last week. I had such an awesome time eating noodles and expensive ice cream, and sitting on swings and laughing. Oh the laughter...we laughed so hard till our bellies ached all night. God is good.

God arranged it so that I would have alone time with each of them tonight, Serene at the beginning of the night, and Xingni right at the end, and both of them individually asked me to share more of my testimony. And so I did. There is no more shame in me in being honest about what I was and where I came from, because I know what the Lord has done in me. The old me is dead, and the new me that is in Christ is the one who is alive today. God did not save me and bless me in so that I can keep it to myself, He redeemed me so that I can testify to the world about His saving grace! And so I will faithfully proclaim to everyone who asks what He has done for me and in me.

There was just such a sense of His presence and peace tonight when I was sharing with both of them. Xingni shared her testimony with me too, and it really touched me, because it showed me that even though I messed up big time, I'm not unique. Even though other people may not have messed up as much as me, we're all the same. Without God, none of us have a purpose, a reason for living...everyone's empty inside, even if they won't admit it to the world, and without God, none of us have a hope of experiencing true joy and peace. I used to believe that other people had it all together. But the more I listen to other people's testimonies, the more I realise that people all wear masks, and that it's only when we're so broken inside that God can come with His awesome power and take over from the miserable job that we're doing in our lives.

I've grown

2007-09-05T01:14:00.000+08:00

God is never content to leave us where we are, but He is committed to seeing us grow deeper and stronger. Back in the day when I wrote this post, I couldn't see past what was in front of me, but God could see the bigger picture. He knew that the day would come when I no longer felt stuck in-between the Christian and non-Christian world, but that I would have both feet firmly in His kingdom.

I won't deny that I still struggle with certain issues, but the day has come where I am no longer controlled by them. Where I once was helpless, I now have a choice. I thought the day would never come when I was no longer plagued by an unrestrained need to destroy myself, but that day has come, and though I hurt right now, God is my refuge, and not alcohol, cigarettes or relationships.

In this post from December 2006, I quoted a line from an article that says, "I’m not Christian enough for my Christian friends, and too Christian for all the people who have ever meant anything to me" because it described exactly how I felt. I remember how lost and torn I felt and continued to feel until about July this year. I'm so pleased to testify that God is faithful and I now know without a doubt where I belong, and that it is with my brothers and sisters in Christ that I feel most at home. I have picked a side and stuck to it, and the constant war and battle is gone, because where there used to be lots of grey, there is now only black and white. How much easier is life when you can see God's way or the world's way, and you know immediately which way you're going to pick?

Heart, please catch up

2007-09-05T00:33:00.000+08:00

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." - Matthew 6:21

I'm finding it hard to keep my eyes focused on Him right now. I want to recount and rejoice over all the blessings that He has given me this last week, but my heart is aching so much right now from missing my friends in Hong Kong. I miss the familiarity, the knowledge that I can break this silence by picking up the phone and calling someone. I don't know why I'm feeling so down when God is doing such amazing things around me, but I will sit here and wait on God.

I guess it's only natural to mourn, but I need to stop looking to the left and right, and look straight ahead at the glory of God. He says that those who put their hope in Him will never be put to shame, and even though my emotions are telling me that I'm going to hurt like this forever, I will put my trust in my Lord because I know that He is good. He is already providing and doing new things in my life to help me settle in, I just need to be patient, perservere and remain strong in Him.

Oh Lord, my treasure is seeking You and serving You, and that's why I'm in Singapore, so please let my heart and emotions catch up soon. I feel like I'm physically in Singapore but my heart is in Hong Kong...please fly it over to my new home. Please surround me with Your love...Father, let me surrender and drown in Your love, losing all of myself until there is only You everywhere I look.

Let me not turn to anyone else and depend on them to comfort me and reassure me, because I know that the only one that can do that is You, Lord. I've tried to turn to people, and activities, and things to numb out pain, but if there's anything I've learnt is that they do not satisfy for long. Only You do. So please, Lord, take my hand and bring me out of this misery. I cling to You because You are more than enough for me.

God is so FAITHFUL!

2007-09-03T22:43:00.000+08:00

Ever since I set foot in Singapore, God has proven Himself to be more than enough. I arrived here on Wednesday night last week, and it hasn't even been a week yet, but already He has lined up everything that I need to settle in here, and I know that He will continue to provide and bless me just because I am His dearly loved child! How awesome is that?

In the space of 5 days, He has provided me with a job, friends and church! I am in awe of His power. My aunt is planning to set up a child-care centre from scratch, and I will be working for her and helping her with all the promo, admin and recruiting work. Until all the official government approval stuff is worked out though, I will be researching and doing adminstrative work for her at the office starting on Sept 10. Exciting stuff! What a great opportunity.

Anyway, I had been praying a lot for God to lead me to the right church and to give me the friends that I need in order to feel settled in. My pastor and several friends in Hong Kong were praying for me too, so on Saturday night when I went for the evening service at Hope Church, my nervousness went away because I knew that God had my back. I went up to the usher and introduced myself, and she introduced me to her leader, who's this really awesome girl named Xingni. She really looked after me and I ended up having dinner and dessert plans with her and a whole bunch of other girls after the service.

What was even more awesome was that she arranged for me to meet with one of her friends the next day because I mentioned that I was going to go to the Sunday service too and she wasn't going to be there. So, in the end, God provided me with yet another opportunity to meet new people when that friend of hers asked me to meet up for breakfast before the service. I had lunch with her and the people in her small group after the service, and before I knew it, I had joined their small group AND had plans for the following Friday and Saturday night. Isn't God so faithful to provide for us everything that we need and ask for?

He even gave me the privilege of sharing part of my testimony with the group, and hearing their testimonies. I love how there are so many people at the church that I haven't met yet, but we are all connected already because we are all one in Christ! God knows how important it is to me to have brothers and sisters to share life with, and He is drawing really cool people into my life. Lord, You are so good!

I can't wait to come back on here later on this week and continue to testify about how wonderful God is to me.

Goodbye Hong Kong

2007-08-29T12:49:00.000+08:00

Thank you, Howtome, Brigette, Staceyhoff & Judith for your lovely comments. The encouragement was much appreciated. A lot has happened since my last post, but one thing that has remained constant is God's faithfulness to me. I praise God that He really has blessed me so much ever since C and I broke up, and I can honestly say that the decision I made to break up was one of the best decisions I made this year. God has carried me through the storm, and now I am enjoying the rainbow.

I'm moving back to Singapore today after making Hong Kong my home for the last 7 years. It's painful, so so painful, to be leaving all my friends behind, but underlying all this sadness is a quiet peace from knowing that my God is bigger than all this and that He will be with me every step of the way. For a while, I was tempted to fall into the trap of self-pity and grieve that I'll 'never be able to find friends in Singapore like the ones I have here', but I know now that God will be faithful to provide for me everything that I need in Singapore - every emotional, physical, mental and spiritual need. He will not leave me in a state of disarray. He has been so faithful in the little things that I know I can trust Him, and that He will help me to trust Him in the bigger things...after all, what are bigger things except lots of little things put together?

I have been so surrounded by love and God's people here, and I've grown so much over the last year, and now I am finally ready to go back to Singapore to be with my family and be a light to them. I try not to think about how 'dry' it's going to be in Singapore, as the only Christian in my whole family and without a church (yet! but God will lead me!) but He is helping me to keep my eyes focused on Him, and not look to the right or the left but to look to the Cross for my hope.

God is doing an amazing work in my Dad right now...I can feel my Dad coming closer and closer to the truth. God is really opening his eyes and his heart and it's so amazing to be witnessing this! Last night, when I was sharing with my Dad more about what God is doing in my life, he told me that he's so touched by watching God working in my life, and that he has goosebumps just thinking about it. He can see God's power and love in my life, and he thanked me for helping him to understand my relationship with my Heavenly Father. Oh Lord, I pray that You will continue to touch my Dad and soften his heart. Tear down all rational arguments and strongholds that prevent him from knowing the truth about You.

Breaking up

2007-07-10T14:22:00.000+08:00

C and I broke up last night. It hurts bad, I won't deny that, but there is a quiet peace dwelling inside me that wasn't there the whole period of time we were together.

I'm glad that he and I decided to remain friends, and I pray that it works out, but for now, my main focus is in growing in God and allowing Him to change me. A boyfriend just complicates everything. I am blessed with this season of singleness and I want to make every second count. Instead of focusing on meeting the 'right' guy, I want to focus on seeking after God and allowing Him to mould me into the 'right' person, because when He does bring my future husband into my life, I want it to be about how much I can bless him and love him, rather than how much he can meet my need for love and companionship.

Lord, I pray for Your healing balm of love to shower down on C and me, and I ask for the grace to trust and have faith in You to mend our broken hearts. Give us wisdom and discernment to stay away from the things that displease and dishonour You, and may we do that which is pleasing and right in Your eyes. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Distracted

2007-07-09T21:30:00.000+08:00

I can only describe the last few months as a major distraction to my walk with God.

If any of my fellow bloggers are reading this, then please forgive me for being absent not only from my own blog, but from commenting and reading your blogs. I'm back now, though, and I will endeavor to remain more connected.

Is there anything that separates us so completely from God like sin? Because, if I had to sum up in one word why God felt so distant the last few months, then it would have to be sin. It doesn't even have to be 'big' sin, but something seemingly innocent like a relationship or even dependence on anything else other than God.

For me? It all began when I stopped trusting Christ in me, and listening to others. I listened to their logical and philosophical arguments and swayed by their persuasions, turned one way when that quiet, still voice in me told me to turn another. As I stepped out of obedience to God, I started taking things into my own hands, because I knew that God was displeased with me. That's when it was so easy to slide downhill into sin.

Now, to the world, what I had been involved in would seem to be normal, common and acceptable. A night out at a club with friends, skipping church to sleep in, staying over at a boyfriend's house...it all seems so innocent. But it isn't. And deep down, I knew it was not how I should be walking. It's not because I want to have some holier than thou attitude, but because I don't want to profess my faith, and live out something different.

It was such a huge wake up call when I was out at a club with a friend recently, and I mentioned to him that all my friends were at church participating in an all-night prayer session. He asked me if I believed in God, and I said 'yes', and then he said something that I will never forget. He, a non-Christian looked at me and said, 'No, you don't. If you really did, you would be at church with your friends, and not out here drinking.' Wow, it felt like someone had thrown a huge bucket of ice water over me.

Something just clicked, and as much as I hated the truth in what he said, it was what I needed to evaluate my life. Yes, I have fun when I went out clubbing with friends. Yes, I have an awesome time staying over at my boyfriend's house playing video games and lying in each other's arms. But above all, I love God. As much as I like/love my boyfriend, he will never be what God is to me. It's not that he's a bad guy or anything, it's that when I'm with him, God takes a backseat. God isn't even second place, He's last place, and that makes my life so grey and dreary.

These last few months have been so draining because every single second of the day, I had to distract myself from the truth that I had turned my back on God. I don't know if I'm making any sense right now, it's hard to put into words what's been going on the last few months, but the main point that I went to get across is that, yes, I was happy, but without God, I was not joyful. Nothing makes sense without God. The world has some great and wonderful things, but that is nothing compared to the wonder of knowing God. I tasted of His goodness before, and the world can never satisfy me for long, because there's always this pull, this longing for something more.

Thank God for His grace that enabled me to come back to Him last night, not in guilt and condemnation, but in humility and repentance. Thank God for His mercy, that He showered me in peace and a quiet joy as soon as I confessed my weaknesses and shortcomings.

Even if no one understands me, I pray for His grace to keep my eyes focused on Him to carry out His will.

You're on the losing team

2007-04-09T20:03:00.000+08:00

I pity Satan.

Yes, really, I do. He thinks that he's destroying me, by knocking me down time and time again, but he doesn't realise that my Father is infinitely stronger. He uses what Satan uses to steal from me to refine me, strengthen me in Him and teach me to go deeper.

"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger". Yes, that is true. But only if we submit to God and hand the pain over. If not, we become bitter, hardened, less human. Only God can use the bad in our lives to glorify Himself and transform us into His likeness.

The pain and suffering gets to me, but I am thankful that God is carrying me through this and growing my character.

Kisses of the wind

2007-04-08T23:55:00.000+08:00

I took a walk down the beach tonight. There's something comforting about sitting on the sand in darkness, hearing the sound of the waves, staring at the lights in the distance and feeling the wind caressing you when you're feeling lonely and in pain. I was able to pour out my heart to God and ask Him where He is in all this pain, and tell Him how angry I am at Him for all the events in my life that have broken me and nearly killed me, without feeling scared that He's going to strike me down with a lightning bolt.

Deep down I know that He was with me the whole time and that He has a purpose and plan, but it felt good to finally be able to admit not just to Him, but to myself about how bitter I am about my past. Since I was little, the world has trained me to bury my anger because 'feeling anger is unacceptable' and it has resulted in depression and self-rejection. I'm realising now that until I acknowledge this part of me and bring it to God, He can't cleanse me and heal me.

Critique my blog

2007-03-22T12:39:00.000+08:00

Check out this awesome blog: Critique My Blog. You submit your blog url and a real life person reads your blog and critiques it. How cool...I submitted it last night, and by this morning, I had already received my critique!

"Lily's story of jumping over barriers and overcoming her alcohol addiction is an inspiring one. For those of you who may have or have been affected my alcoholism you can attest to the intense grip it has over you, even if you want to stop. Her blog chronicles this story along with other sprinklings of ideas and thoughts along the way. As for the blog itself I thought the layout, while cool looking, was a little narrow making the blog seem long in length. I didn't notice any kind of a site meter to see who is visiting your blog which you may want to add just to satisfy your own curiosity...other than that I think the blog is wonderful and just keep taking things one day at a time."

Thanks, Mr. CMB! I will definitely keep in mind the layout next time I change it.

Transformed

2007-03-22T00:30:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I had a picnic with this girl that I met last week at church. I'd only met her once before, but God really blessed the time we spent together, and opened our hearts to each other and enabled us to connect on a much deeper level. We sat on the grass eating our sandwiches and cup noodles and started chatting about life, and before we knew it, we had talked for 4 and half hours! It was unreal. It's only with another sister in Christ that I could just feel so comfortable and share my struggles and my past. It was wonderful just listening to how God has blessed her and moved in her life, and it was such a blessing to be able to testify about God's power to her because it reminded me of how good He has been to me.

The best part of the day though, was when I was telling her about my past and my struggles with alcohol and just how bad I was before, and she said, 'Wow...it's not that I don't believe you, it's just that God has changed you so much that I just can't connect who you are now with who you say you were.' Isn't that such a testimony of God's grace? A new person who never knew me before only sees who I am in Jesus now because He has transformed me so much!

He is the God of second chances. The God of new beginnings. He is a God of mercy and kindness, and He has poured out His blessings on my life, and He wants to do the same for you. Even if you have never sunk as low as I have, He wants to give you a life where everyday is an adventure with Him. He wants to give you an unshakeable peace that does not depend on your outside circumstances.

He has already paid the price, and His hands are stretched out to you with the gift of salvation. The question is, will you receive Him and allow Him to show you just how amazing life is when you're walking with Him? Trust me, it will blow your mind because the life He wants to give you is more wonderful than you could EVER imagine.

Goodbye little kitty cat

2007-03-18T01:42:00.000+08:00

My cat Kim died last week Saturday. I wish I had a photo of him to put up here but I don't. I'm sure there's one somewhere but I need to look for it. Anyways, he was with my family for 10 years - 2 different countries and 6 different homes. He was a well-travelled and well-loved cat. He didn't eat fish or drink milk, and boy, did he love water! A few days before he passed away, I was putting on my contact lenses after showering, and as I turned to walk out the bathroom, I saw him playing in the bathtub!

It took me a few days before I felt any grief, and surprisingly, I wasn't so much broken over his death, than seeing his brother Bim (yes, we purposely gave them rhyming names) who's our other cat being left behind. See, Bim has been with Kim for 10 years too, and he's always been a restless and angry cat, but Kim always calmed him down and kept him company. This last week, he's been following everyone around the house and during the nights, he sits outside my door and cries. It breaks my heart and I found myself sobbing at 5 in the morning over him.

I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I would be so upset over a cat, so I asked God to show me why, and what He showed me blew me away. See, I saw myself in Bim. Seeing him pining over Kim and desperating trying to make himself feel better by throwing himself at me and my family reminded me of all the long dark hours I spent crying over people leaving me. It seems that everytime I got close to someone, they'd end up leaving and I'd be left behind, trying to grasp at anything to take the pain away.

Praise God that is all in the past though. He revealed to me that people will always end up leaving at some point in life, either through breakups, moving away or even death, and so I can't place my dependence wholeheartedly on them. I can't use relationships to fill the emptiness inside. God is the only one who will always be there, and He will never leave or forsake me. First, I need to empty myself of everything so that He can pour out His love into me. It's only when I am dwelling in His perfect love, that I am capable of loving people without expecting them to meet my all needs.

Of course it will still hurt when people leave, but I must make sure that I am getting my needs met by God and not demanding them from others.

I miss you, Kim. Hope you're enjoying all the baths and wonderful food in Cat Heaven ;)

Thursday Thirteen #11

2007-02-08T23:19:00.000+08:00

The Valentine's Day Edition
1. My first peck on the lips from a guy was when I was 10 during school camp in Thailand. We were on the back of a truck, and someone dared the guy I liked to kiss me, and everyone including the teacher started singing, "I Swear" to convince us that they wouldn't tell anyone. Awww...it was so cute.

2. The sweetest present I've ever received was a framed photo of my boyfriend on the beach next to a huge heart with my name inside it drawn on the sand.

3. I've never dated anyone shorter than 6 foot...which is strange because I'm only 5 foot tall.

4. My tallest boyfriend was 7 foot. He was a German, semi-pro basketball player and we got a lot of weird stares from people when we walked together.

5. My first slow dance with a guy was in Year 7 and neither of us knew what to do, so we swayed from side to side in a circle, but we did it so fast that both of us were so dizzy by the end.

6. The first time a guy that I liked came over to my house to hang out, I got upset because he spent the whole time playing video games with my little brother.

7. I learnt that no matter how much you love a person, at the end of the day, they'll make their own decisions when I lost the first guy I ever loved to drugs. I wanted to take away his pain and make everything okay for him, but I had to learn the hard way that I couldn't do that. Now I know that the only person that can do that is God.

8. I've been in 3 long-distance relationships. Australia, Canada and Germany, while I was in Hong Kong. Needless to say, it didn't work out...

9. The most romantic thing I've ever done was on my 1 year anniversary with my ex. I left a trail of Hershey's kisses from my front door, down two flights of stairs, to my bedroom where I was waiting with his present, which was a long list of reasons why I loved him. *sigh* I should've guarded my heart better.

10. I once broke up with a guy and was so nervous that I said, 'It's not me, it's you' instead of 'It's not you, it's me'. He wasn't too impressed.

11. I found out when I was 18 that the man that I'd been waiting and longing for my whole life was actually right here all along.

12. His name is Jesus Christ and He loves me with an everlasting love. He has protected me my whole life, and He has fought for me. He died for me so that I might be with Him forever, and He cherishes me and makes me feel so special and so loved. Everything that my heart desired all these years can be found in Him.

13. Valentine's Day this year will be so special because I am finally walking with Him in an intimate relationship. I want to learn to love Him with all my heart, not just this year, but every year of my life and for eternity. I know that He will satisfy all the deepest longings of my heart and that He will never ever leave me or forsake me.

*A Lily Among The Thorns*