Unlike other people. I leave brushing my teeth as my last act instead of first. See, I find brushing my teeth so boring, so I wait till I've gotten ready and put on my contacts, and then brush them in front of the computer. This morning, after I was dressed, my makeup done and my contacts on, I began squeezing the tube of toothpaste onto my toothbrush.

Funny thing, I must've held the tube too close to the toothbrush, because when I move the tube away, it flicked against the bristles on my toothbrush, and flicked a clump of toothpaste straight into my eye. Yes, I had Aquafresh toothpaste in my eye. So I'm there debating what to do, trying to read the 'in case of emergency' text on the tube with one eye, and the whole time my eye is BURNING. Finally, I decide to flush out my eye with water (apparently that's the logical thing to do), so I very carefully and gingerly dab water on my eye (I'm trying not to mess up my mascara), and that water proceeds to liquidify that clump all over my eye AND cause my mascara to enter my eye.

Finally, 15 mins later (and many tears later), I sit down in front of my computer in my work clothes and start brushing my teeth. Only, I read an email that makes me excited and I forget that I'm brushing my teeth and so I open my mouth and cheer.

Toothpaste all over my work clothes...for the 5th day in a row. You'd think I'd learn.

I was the only one getting baptised that day.

I woke up that morning with great anticipation and nervousness. It had taken a lot, but the day was finally here. I remember the week that had just passed. I had fallen out with one of my bestfriends over an argument about getting baptised, and even until today, we haven't spoken since. None of my friends understood why I wanted to get baptised, my boyfriend and I had broken up over my faith, and even my family were at odds with me. I remember this guy telling me, "Don't bother trying to be someone you know you're not. Those Christians will make you feel like you're burning in hell when they find out who you really are."

I was sad that I had no close friends that I could invite to join me on this special day, but so thankful that somehow God persuaded my parents to come (they weren't going to), even though they got angry and argumentative the whole way to Deep Water Bay. Even though there was this sadness, it didn't matter, because I knew that this day was about me and God. Up till today, I had convinced myself that even though I was saved, I could walk away from Him anytime I wanted to. But I knew that this public declaration of my faith was so important, and even though my life and walk with God was far from perfect, I wanted to be baptised because I wanted to be obedient to His word and to show Him that I was proud to be called His own.

My family, out of love for me, woke up at 6 on a Saturday morning, in order for us to be at Deep Water Bay before 9. I am still so amazed at their love for me, that though they didn't understand it at all, and they sooooo didn't want to be there around all these 'Christian people', that they still showed up.

I was bouncing off the walls of the bus the whole way to the beach, and when I got off the bus, I was astounded to see 10 people from my church waiting for me. None of these people barely even knew me, and they all had families to be with and children to look after, but they made such an effort and showed up to share this day with me. God is good! I don't even remember half the names of the people who turned up, and I remember only slightly more of the faces, BUT, I remember the love that I felt when I looked into these people's eyes. It was such an awesome feeling knowing that they were there just for me, to witness my declaration of faith!

My pastor and I walked out into the ocean with everyone watching us (even all the non-Christian beach people hehehe), and after I said, 'I do', he dipped me backwards into the water. As I was under, I remember thinking, "Lord, I die to myself so that You might live in me." As I broke through the water on my way up, I gazed up at the sky and at the streams of sunlight falling on the sea and this peace fell over me. I knew then that though I might think about it in the future, or even attempt it for a while, I would never be able to walk away from God and be satisfied again.

Once we've tasted of His glory, nothing in this world will ever compare.

Here's to the beginning of eternity with you, Lord! *clink clink*

I went to the Young Adult service tonight at the church near my house and it was pretty awesome. The majority of the people are younger than me, but there were a few guys and girls around my age, so that was nice. The praise and worship time was so powerful...the presence of the Lord was so strong, and one of the guys even said that He could see this golden mist surrounding the whole room! I was so close to tears at the beginning though, because the first song we sang was one that we sang a lot at the Vine, and in my head, I could hear the Vine band and see everyone that I love at the Vine standing next to me. It made me miss everyone so much, but I thank God that He is so faithful to connect me to the right people here. The message was pretty long (2 hours!!!) but it was so relevant and it really spoke to my heart, and it was kinda cool that the youth pastor was actually in my cell group yesterday (I got put into the an older cell group because I'm working and not studying). Everyone was so friendly...in fact, one of the people that I met last week at the Sunday service actually wrote about me in his blog because he was writing about all these new people that he had met! It's soooooooooo hard to remember names though.

We went out to eat after the service and I learnt how to crack eggs (long story...) What I really loved about these people was how joyful they were...they didn't take themselves too seriously, and they were fun, but at the same time, you could see their passion for God too. I was saying earlier this week that I was getting fat because my work colleagues keep buying and giving me food, and I think I'm gonna have a problem at church too. I haven't paid for food in so long. Last night, some guy paid for my noodles and drink, my relatives bought me lunch today, and some other guy paid for my food tonight. It's so crazy...since I've arrived here, I've put on 8 pounds :S The worse part is, when someone else pays for you food, you feel bad about leaving it behind, so I end up forcing myself to finish all of it.

I can't wait to see everyone at church again tomorrow morning! This guy I met tonight is going to introduce me to a woman tomorrow who's a dance teacher because I mentioned that I was looking for a dance school. I miss dancing so much.

*sigh* Even though I'm just getting to know these people, I have this sneaking suspicion that by the time it comes for me to leave Singapore in January, it's gonna hurt so bad again. But, I'm not going to let that stop me from investing in people's lives, in friendships and in Singapore. When I was in HK for the last year and a half, I really gave a lot of myself and invested in creating a life there, and even though it hurts so much now to leave it behind, it was also the most meaningful and amazing year of my life. We're supposed to be involved in life and to be connected, not a wallflower or observer but an active participant in life!

I'm so excited to see where God leads me next!

I never thought I could feel so complete in a strange land where I don't really know anyone, and yet I do. Every morning, I wake up and my heart sings for joy. The joy bubbles over inside me and consumes me and for just an instant, I wonder why I feel so amazing, so loved, so excited about the day, and then I remember and it makes me smile...Jesus loves me! Jesus. Loves. ME!!! How awesome is it know that the One who loves you the most in this world is with you all the time? He is in my heart, in my head, in all my thoughts, in me, around me, surrounding me, and I'm never alone. That just blows my mind. Every morning when I ponder the mystery of this, I find myself drowning even deeper in His love.

I never thought I would ever feel this way about Someone that I can't even see, and yet I do. Maybe I can't see Him or feel Him with my eyes and body, but I can see Him with my heart. He's everywhere I look and everywhere I turn, and I feel His presence with me all the time. Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever dreamt that it could be like this. The joy, the hope, the LOVE...Even without having a physical body to walk on this earth, He still manages to communicate His love for me in such special and unique ways every single day.

When I'm riding on the train to work, or even just sitting in my room, I can't stop the huge grin from spreading across my face. I stare into space in public when I'm alone, and remember something He said to me or did for me that day and I laugh out loud like a crazy maniac. I feel like I'm going crazy, but it's such a good feeling. I can't stop talking about Him or thinking about Him, and no matter what anyone says to me, I always find some way of bringing the conversation back to Him, because somehow He's just connected to everything. Even with non-Christians, I end up talking about Jesus's love because everything someone says to me reminds me of Him, and I just can't keep it in. Whenever I share about what He's doing in my life, my joy becomes complete, and I become so dizzy and overwhelmed by His outpouring of love unto me. I'm so scared that I'm going to squeal and dance around on the train, because when His joy flows through me, I find myself losing control. Lately, I keep having these fantasies of standing in the middle of a busy street and screaming, 'I LOVE YOU, LORD!!!'

It's like when you're in love with someone and you want the whole world to know. I want to stand on the top of the highest mountain and shout about everything that He has done for me. I don't want Him to bless me with anything else apart from more and more of Him, for in Him is my heart's greatest delight. I don't care if I don't have friends here, or if my job is boring, I just want more and more closeness with Him. I want to know His heart, because He knows mine. Oh Lord, don't ever let this passion for You die out in me. It is only by Your grace that I have this hunger for You, please continue to keep the fire burning in me. Consume me, Lord, I'm losing myself in You.

ARGH...Words are so inadequate. Melodies not intricate enough. For who can describe the full wonder of Your love? I've just reread what I've written and it doesn't even come close to how I feel right now. Lord, I pray that when I come down from this spiritual high, that I would remember this time and continue to seek You and pursue You even during the times when You feel so distance. May I chase after You even more during the times when You seem far away. Let me remember Your love when I'm in the valleys and continue to walk with You in faith.

There are always areas of my life that are unsurrendered to God, and just when I'm getting all pleased about the things that I have thrown off, He reveals to me something new. Oh Lord, this one is so painful, because it is not like the other things that were bad for me. This one is good, but Lord, it is not the best thing for me right now. I want to be a useful tool in Your magnificent hands, and so I am committed to removing from my life anything that hinders me from having an undivided heart.

Lord, You have shown me that You cannot use me the way You want to in Singapore as long as my heart is still in Hong Kong. You showed me how my plan to visit Hong Kong in October was not really as innocent as I wanted to think, but it was me trying to cling to and hang on to what I have already moved on from. I wanted to go back to see all my friends, and most of all, to spend time with D, but I know that by doing so, I would prevent myself from really committing to my time in Singapore. I believe it is Your will for me to be in Singapore, and so I can't live my life here going through the motions, living for my next visit back to Hong Kong. I have to let it go. I have to let D go.

I had the choice between going back to Hong Kong for a visit or going on a family holiday, and even though I had planned my trip to Hong Kong first, I know that I came back here to Singapore to be with my family, so even though it hurts so much, I choose to go with my family. Love is a choice, and I choose to love my family by putting them above my desires, because they are important to me and I want them to know that. God, You called me back to Singapore to be a blessing to my family and to serve them, so how could I be so selfish as to choose my own desires above my family? Lord, please bless the time that we spend together as a family. Let it be a time of joy and bonding...give us memories that we'll cherish for a long, long time, and even when those memories fade, let us never forget the love that we have for each other. Your will, Lord, and not mine.

I surrender Hong Kong and my longings to You, Lord. Give me a heart for Singapore, and help me to invest in the people here, and to start thinking of it as my new home. Create in me a pure heart, and renew my spirit within me.

Or maybe it's the internal changes that makes me view the world differently. All I know is, nothing is the same anymore...nothing fits into my old expectations, and everything more than surpasses the level I could've hoped for. The Lord is healing the parts of me that enable me to receive love and that is making such a difference. Even with people I've only just met, I feel connected and accepted...the old awkwardness is fading away, and my expectation of disappointment and hurt is gone.

I went out with Serene and Xingni tonight to Holland Village and I was just blown away by how easy and comfortable everything was. No one watching us would have been able to tell that I'd only met these girls once last week. I had such an awesome time eating noodles and expensive ice cream, and sitting on swings and laughing. Oh the laughter...we laughed so hard till our bellies ached all night. God is good.

God arranged it so that I would have alone time with each of them tonight, Serene at the beginning of the night, and Xingni right at the end, and both of them individually asked me to share more of my testimony. And so I did. There is no more shame in me in being honest about what I was and where I came from, because I know what the Lord has done in me. The old me is dead, and the new me that is in Christ is the one who is alive today. God did not save me and bless me in so that I can keep it to myself, He redeemed me so that I can testify to the world about His saving grace! And so I will faithfully proclaim to everyone who asks what He has done for me and in me.

There was just such a sense of His presence and peace tonight when I was sharing with both of them. Xingni shared her testimony with me too, and it really touched me, because it showed me that even though I messed up big time, I'm not unique. Even though other people may not have messed up as much as me, we're all the same. Without God, none of us have a purpose, a reason for living...everyone's empty inside, even if they won't admit it to the world, and without God, none of us have a hope of experiencing true joy and peace. I used to believe that other people had it all together. But the more I listen to other people's testimonies, the more I realise that people all wear masks, and that it's only when we're so broken inside that God can come with His awesome power and take over from the miserable job that we're doing in our lives.

God is never content to leave us where we are, but He is committed to seeing us grow deeper and stronger. Back in the day when I wrote this post, I couldn't see past what was in front of me, but God could see the bigger picture. He knew that the day would come when I no longer felt stuck in-between the Christian and non-Christian world, but that I would have both feet firmly in His kingdom.

I won't deny that I still struggle with certain issues, but the day has come where I am no longer controlled by them. Where I once was helpless, I now have a choice. I thought the day would never come when I was no longer plagued by an unrestrained need to destroy myself, but that day has come, and though I hurt right now, God is my refuge, and not alcohol, cigarettes or relationships.

In this post from December 2006, I quoted a line from an article that says, "I’m not Christian enough for my Christian friends, and too Christian for all the people who have ever meant anything to me" because it described exactly how I felt. I remember how lost and torn I felt and continued to feel until about July this year. I'm so pleased to testify that God is faithful and I now know without a doubt where I belong, and that it is with my brothers and sisters in Christ that I feel most at home. I have picked a side and stuck to it, and the constant war and battle is gone, because where there used to be lots of grey, there is now only black and white. How much easier is life when you can see God's way or the world's way, and you know immediately which way you're going to pick?

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." - Matthew 6:21

I'm finding it hard to keep my eyes focused on Him right now. I want to recount and rejoice over all the blessings that He has given me this last week, but my heart is aching so much right now from missing my friends in Hong Kong. I miss the familiarity, the knowledge that I can break this silence by picking up the phone and calling someone. I don't know why I'm feeling so down when God is doing such amazing things around me, but I will sit here and wait on God.

I guess it's only natural to mourn, but I need to stop looking to the left and right, and look straight ahead at the glory of God. He says that those who put their hope in Him will never be put to shame, and even though my emotions are telling me that I'm going to hurt like this forever, I will put my trust in my Lord because I know that He is good. He is already providing and doing new things in my life to help me settle in, I just need to be patient, perservere and remain strong in Him.

Oh Lord, my treasure is seeking You and serving You, and that's why I'm in Singapore, so please let my heart and emotions catch up soon. I feel like I'm physically in Singapore but my heart is in Hong Kong...please fly it over to my new home. Please surround me with Your love...Father, let me surrender and drown in Your love, losing all of myself until there is only You everywhere I look.

Let me not turn to anyone else and depend on them to comfort me and reassure me, because I know that the only one that can do that is You, Lord. I've tried to turn to people, and activities, and things to numb out pain, but if there's anything I've learnt is that they do not satisfy for long. Only You do. So please, Lord, take my hand and bring me out of this misery. I cling to You because You are more than enough for me.

Ever since I set foot in Singapore, God has proven Himself to be more than enough. I arrived here on Wednesday night last week, and it hasn't even been a week yet, but already He has lined up everything that I need to settle in here, and I know that He will continue to provide and bless me just because I am His dearly loved child! How awesome is that?

In the space of 5 days, He has provided me with a job, friends and church! I am in awe of His power. My aunt is planning to set up a child-care centre from scratch, and I will be working for her and helping her with all the promo, admin and recruiting work. Until all the official government approval stuff is worked out though, I will be researching and doing adminstrative work for her at the office starting on Sept 10. Exciting stuff! What a great opportunity.

Anyway, I had been praying a lot for God to lead me to the right church and to give me the friends that I need in order to feel settled in. My pastor and several friends in Hong Kong were praying for me too, so on Saturday night when I went for the evening service at Hope Church, my nervousness went away because I knew that God had my back. I went up to the usher and introduced myself, and she introduced me to her leader, who's this really awesome girl named Xingni. She really looked after me and I ended up having dinner and dessert plans with her and a whole bunch of other girls after the service.

What was even more awesome was that she arranged for me to meet with one of her friends the next day because I mentioned that I was going to go to the Sunday service too and she wasn't going to be there. So, in the end, God provided me with yet another opportunity to meet new people when that friend of hers asked me to meet up for breakfast before the service. I had lunch with her and the people in her small group after the service, and before I knew it, I had joined their small group AND had plans for the following Friday and Saturday night. Isn't God so faithful to provide for us everything that we need and ask for?

He even gave me the privilege of sharing part of my testimony with the group, and hearing their testimonies. I love how there are so many people at the church that I haven't met yet, but we are all connected already because we are all one in Christ! God knows how important it is to me to have brothers and sisters to share life with, and He is drawing really cool people into my life. Lord, You are so good!

I can't wait to come back on here later on this week and continue to testify about how wonderful God is to me.