Thursday Thirteen #11  

Posted by Tiffany in










The Valentine's Day Edition
1. My first peck on the lips from a guy was when I was 10 during school camp in Thailand. We were on the back of a truck, and someone dared the guy I liked to kiss me, and everyone including the teacher started singing, "I Swear" to convince us that they wouldn't tell anyone. Awww...it was so cute.

2. The sweetest present I've ever received was a framed photo of my boyfriend on the beach next to a huge heart with my name inside it drawn on the sand.

3. I've never dated anyone shorter than 6 foot...which is strange because I'm only 5 foot tall.

4. My tallest boyfriend was 7 foot. He was a German, semi-pro basketball player and we got a lot of weird stares from people when we walked together.

5. My first slow dance with a guy was in Year 7 and neither of us knew what to do, so we swayed from side to side in a circle, but we did it so fast that both of us were so dizzy by the end.

6. The first time a guy that I liked came over to my house to hang out, I got upset because he spent the whole time playing video games with my little brother.

7. I learnt that no matter how much you love a person, at the end of the day, they'll make their own decisions when I lost the first guy I ever loved to drugs. I wanted to take away his pain and make everything okay for him, but I had to learn the hard way that I couldn't do that. Now I know that the only person that can do that is God.

8. I've been in 3 long-distance relationships. Australia, Canada and Germany, while I was in Hong Kong. Needless to say, it didn't work out...

9. The most romantic thing I've ever done was on my 1 year anniversary with my ex. I left a trail of Hershey's kisses from my front door, down two flights of stairs, to my bedroom where I was waiting with his present, which was a long list of reasons why I loved him. *sigh* I should've guarded my heart better.

10. I once broke up with a guy and was so nervous that I said, 'It's not me, it's you' instead of 'It's not you, it's me'. He wasn't too impressed.

11. I found out when I was 18 that the man that I'd been waiting and longing for my whole life was actually right here all along.

12. His name is Jesus Christ and He loves me with an everlasting love. He has protected me my whole life, and He has fought for me. He died for me so that I might be with Him forever, and He cherishes me and makes me feel so special and so loved. Everything that my heart desired all these years can be found in Him.

13. Valentine's Day this year will be so special because I am finally walking with Him in an intimate relationship. I want to learn to love Him with all my heart, not just this year, but every year of my life and for eternity. I know that He will satisfy all the deepest longings of my heart and that He will never ever leave me or forsake me.

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I've come to the end of my rope  

Posted by Tiffany in ,

I was thinking tonight that maybe I was beyond redemption. Maybe I've just been so broken and shattered by the world that there's no hope for piecing together my heart because it has been stomped on so much and ground into a powder that no glue can make whole. I've forsaken all the good things and people in exchange for that which will take me straight to the hell that God brought me out of last year.

Then I heard Peter Orasuk's testimony on how God saved him from dying as a drug addict and spending eternity in hell. As I listened to it while lying in my bed, I did everything I could, surf other websites, fix my nails, whatever I could to deny the truth of what he was saying. But I couldn't. To carry on wallowing in my guilt and shame away from God, instead of reaching out to Him for forgiveness would be denying the power of Jesus's blood. I really believed that God could not and would not want to love someone like me. But could I really be that arrogant as to believe that Jesus's blood could not save me? No, I can't. And if He can save Peter Orasuk, then He can save me too.

I keep waiting to hit rock bottom because I believed that it was the only way that any lasting change would happen. But each time I fall, my definition of 'rock bottom' sinks lower, and I am so scared of how low it could go. Do I really have to lose everything before I am broken enough to be different? I am so tired, so so tired of fighting this battle. This constant war. I've been trying to get sober for 4 years now, and for the last 2, I've had Jesus on my side...so why am I still not different? Why must I be so stubborn and cling to all the things that are so bad for me?

God, I've reached the end of what I can do. I am so weary, so exhausted, You have to take over. No one understands. No one is filling this emptiness inside me. Alcohol feeds the emptiness inside me for a while, but when I sober up, the emptiness multiplies. Jesus, teach me to find joy in You. I thought that I was becoming a different person over the last month...but after this weekend, I feel like I'm still the same old me. What's the use in trying when I just end up disappointing everyone around me?

I believe You will save me, God. I guess I just have to start believing that You aren't just 'going' to save me, but that You already have, and are saving me right now at this very moment. Be with me in this dark, endless night, my Father, and give me the courage to stare at my sin straight in its evil eyes and watch it get washed away.

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