I pity Satan.

Yes, really, I do. He thinks that he's destroying me, by knocking me down time and time again, but he doesn't realise that my Father is infinitely stronger. He uses what Satan uses to steal from me to refine me, strengthen me in Him and teach me to go deeper.

"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger". Yes, that is true. But only if we submit to God and hand the pain over. If not, we become bitter, hardened, less human. Only God can use the bad in our lives to glorify Himself and transform us into His likeness.

The pain and suffering gets to me, but I am thankful that God is carrying me through this and growing my character.

I took a walk down the beach tonight. There's something comforting about sitting on the sand in darkness, hearing the sound of the waves, staring at the lights in the distance and feeling the wind caressing you when you're feeling lonely and in pain. I was able to pour out my heart to God and ask Him where He is in all this pain, and tell Him how angry I am at Him for all the events in my life that have broken me and nearly killed me, without feeling scared that He's going to strike me down with a lightning bolt.

Deep down I know that He was with me the whole time and that He has a purpose and plan, but it felt good to finally be able to admit not just to Him, but to myself about how bitter I am about my past. Since I was little, the world has trained me to bury my anger because 'feeling anger is unacceptable' and it has resulted in depression and self-rejection. I'm realising now that until I acknowledge this part of me and bring it to God, He can't cleanse me and heal me.