Yesterday during my counselling session, Jimmy explained to me my history and it was so awesome. It brought such relief to me because I've always felt such guilt over being born when my mum was still so young. I always felt like a burden to my parents, and in some ways, I thought that I was a mistake. Anyways, after Jimmy showed me the following passages, I realised that I have no guilt, that God ordained that time for me to be conceived and He planned my whole life according to His perfect timing.

He had a purpose for me in being born at that time, and my parents really do love me, so I am NOT a mistake.

"Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure." - Ephesians 1:4-5

“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.” - Jeremiah 1:5

"How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!" - Psalms 139:17-18

"Yes, you have been with me from birth; from my mother’s womb you have cared for me. No wonder I am always praising you! My life is an example to many, because you have been my strength and protection." - Psalms 71:6-7

"Yet you brought me safely from my mother’s womb and led me to trust you at my mother’s breast. I was thrust into your arms at my birth. You have been my God from the moment I was born." - Psalms 22:9-10

There is this cold iciness that's gripping my heart and creeping along my stomach. The guilt, the shame, the horror eating away at me as it usually does when the numbness starts to thaw a few days after a fall. In a world full of colour, my world is surprisingly black and grey right now. Even lights seem darker and sounds seem further away.

My friend is trying to find ways to stop feeling so crushed after things fell apart with the guy she just met, but I can see the futility of her thinking and plans. I can only see this because I have done all the things that she's planning to do, and I know that they bring only death and not life or joy. Everything has no meaning and nothing will take away the hurt apart from God. I find myself so easily persuaded by our little conversations and I know that in our friendship, we are nothing but a bad influence on each other. I wish that I had been a better friend and a better influence on her...even though I'm a fairly new Christian just like her, I should've known better than to have taken our socialising into bars and clubs.

I am so weak. I listened before when people told me to start trusting in myself more and to be more strong, but honestly, the only time I stood firm in the face of temptation was when I was depending wholeheartedly on God and not putting an ounce of faith in myself. HE is my hope. HE is my salvation. Without Him, I would just keeping falling and falling. Would it be strong to distance myself from my friend because I know we're a bad influence on each other? I don't think she would understand and I'm pretty sure she'd say I'm being 'one of those Christians' so it scares me, but I want this year to be different. I want permanent long-lasting change.

The explanation for my behaviour is elusive. All I know is that the battle over alcohol yesterday, I have lost. And what I have lost is not just the battle, but my parents trust and probably one of the best friends I've ever had. And for what? To ring in the new year with a random guy to forget about my ex and convince myself I'm not alone. The thing is, I was never alone...I have so many friends and family who love me, but if I keep going this way, then I really will end up alone.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry.