In the 6 years that I've lived in Hong Kong, I have never had friends over at my house for a get-together or party. I've never felt comfortable enough with my friends to want to show them a more personal side, but God has blessed me with such amazing friends at church. It really wasn't until I was completely obedient to God and weeded out my old friends that He really blessed me with godly friendships.

Today, I had friends over for a BBQ at my house for the first time ever in Hong Kong! I just love them so much that I wanted to do something nice for them. I thank God for my amazing parents who allowed me to have them over, and my mum who helped marinate the meats and vegetables. I had such an amazing time, and I'm sitting here smiling and feeling so content. God rocks.

So I've been thinking a lot lately about my future study plans. God has revealed to me that He doesn't want me to go to Australia to study...at least for now anyways. He has shown me that He wants me in Singapore, so to Singapore I shall go.

However, last night I was thinking a lot about going to Bible college. See, in 2004 before I even went to uni, I had this strong desire to go to a Christian uni, but I got talked out of it. The desire is still here though. I just don't know whether the desire is purely mine, or mine because God put it there.

I really want to go to Bible college, but the more I think about it, the more I think, 'Well, it's not really me...plus, I don't know how to ask my parents and also will I be able to deal with all the rules and regulations?'. But then I talked to my friend Christ last night about it, and he was saying that he thinks it is me and could be me if I let God guide me. Maybe it is me. I don't know. All I know is that after everything God has given me, a second chance at life, what I really want to do is to give my life back to Him. Bible college would give me the grounding and discipline I need, along with the option of going into worship ministry or Christian counselling, which to me sounds like heaven.

I guess I'm searching...I want my life to impact people and help people. I want to make a difference. And most of all, I hope that when I'm 40, I will still want to make a difference, and not be so jaded by the world that I don't even bother anymore. Maybe I can't make huge differences in people lives or change the world, but every little bit helps.

I woke up today and went on Skype to meet my friend Abby. It's so amazing...she's in Canada and I'm in Hong Kong, and yet with the help of the internet, we were able to pray with each other long-distance. Could there be anything more wonderful than that? Yes, I'm sure there is, but that is pretty darn wonderful!

I don't miss having one because I'm afraid to be alone or because I'm one of those girls who need to have a boyfriend to feel complete, but man, I do miss the closeness of being with someone. I miss holding someone's hand, and cuddling, and seeing their face light up with a huge smile as I walk towards them.

The church is full of couples, and sometimes I feel envy as I watch them. The nice part of me thinks 'Awww, they're so sweet', but at the same time, the mean part of me thinks, 'What's so good about those girls? How come no one's attracted to me?!?!'. The funny thing is, even if someone did like me and want to start dating me, I would turn them down, because there's only one guy I want to be with and none of them are him.

I guess God is trying to teach me to be patient and to depend on Him, and I'm really glad for this lesson. Without this time of growth, I know that I wouldn't be mature enough to handle the next relationship. God is good and I trust Him. That's good enough for me.

After an especially hot and tiring yoga class today, my mum and I headed for the cafe nearby for dinner. There was a German group sitting near us, chatting away loudly, and my mum and I kept glancing at each other, silently signalling with our eyes that we found them very annoying. An American guy walks in with his DOG (hello, hygiene???) and sits with them and the talking gets even noisier.

So there I am, happily munching on my lasagna and stealing bites from my mum's pizza, trying to tune out their voices, when suddenly I hear this (I think the whole cafe heard it) in English:

(With a German accent)"So they told me to try on the clothes, but I say NO, I cannot wear it because I have big titties."

Oh my gosh...I nearly died from laughing.

People should learn not to talk so that the whole area code can hear them.

What I am learning so fast this week is that when I am lost and falling, it is my Christian brothers and sisters who will stand by me and pick me up. Since Friday, I haven't been able to smile or laugh, and nothing felt right at all because I just wasn't able to come back to God.

But today, this wonderful woman Anne at church prayed with me and helped me to stand again and to return into God's arms. It was so beautiful. Afterwards, I just felt so light and peaceful, and it was so amazing to know that I'd been forgiven, and that God loves me so much that He won't let me be alone. In fact, His grace is so awesome that He helped me to not only forgive my old friends but to also pray for goodness in their lives. If you had told me yesterday that I'd be doing that, I would've said you were crazy because all I wanted was to hurt them so much. God is so good to me.

Not only did He forgive me and surround me with His presence today, but He also made me an official librarian of the church! And He also got this girl Gabby at church to train me, and now I'm also serving at church as a coffee barista! Wooooo...not bad for a day's work, eh? And the best part is it doesn't even stop there! After He did all this for me, He also brought a new friend into my life today who not only understands what I'm going through, but has also sorta been there in the past.

I never thought God could just work so powerfully and fast.

But then again, should I even be surprised? He is the most awesome Creator of the heavens and earth...the God of the impossible things. How can I even begin to describe how thankful and joyful I am right now?

Surely one of you mums out there can teach me how to make pancakes! Aren't these a sorry mess?

"Eww, you're actually going to eat that?" said my younger brother when he saw that. I had three bites before I had to throw it away. Turns out when I was mixing the pancake mixture, I poured the milk too fast and much, so there were brilliant little lumps of flour.

On this day I vow, with you readers as my witnesses, to never ever meet, talk or socialise with my old friends again. Actually, I shouldn't even call them friends, because they're not, and all they've ever done is hurt me again and again. It's terrible...I've not felt so much hatred towards people in a long time.

Last night, it was like I was 12 again and being bullied by my bestfriends. Rejected, alone, afraid. Now I just pray God gives me enough grace to stop me from slapping them if I ever see them again.

It's simple really. I don't wanna be me.

I felt out of the place the second I stepped onto the boat. Everyone around me was drinking, smoking cigarettes and passing around joints. But silly me, so desperate to feel less alone, so determined to prove to myself that I did have friends, that I wasn't the 'sad little loser who spent the Mid-Autumn Festival at church and at home alone' while everyone was out. I knew I didn't really fit in anymore, knew it each time I stubbed out a half-smoked cigarette because it hurt my throat and then lit another one five minutes later.

It sickened me each time I overheard the way the guys were talking about girls. I always knew my old friends were different from my new ones, but I didn't realise just how much till that night. It was the little details, like how none of them offered to help me carry the bag of ice that they needed for their beers, or how none of them helped any of the girls onto the moving boat. I missed my church friends, missed how the guys would hold doors open for me and the respect that they treated me with.

But still, I was so eager to prove to myself that I could fit in around these "cool" people, because, what was I but a 'straight-living, be home before 10' kinda girl? And in this desperation and eagerness, I completely lost sight of what I valued and what really was important. The first drink I drank was to calm my nerves, the second to blur these people's personalities to make them seem more approachable, and the third...well it just felt like the most logical thing to do that the time. Gonna mess up? Well, then do it big.

And before I knew it, I was feeling great. No more loneliness, none of that neediness that I just hate in myself, just a feeling of 'I don't need anyone or anything' to feel okay. The intimacy that I crave with friends and loved ones didn't seem so scary anyone, because after those few drinks, I was queen of the world, completely self-sufficient and self-relient. Why is it so easy to believe in lies and not in the truth?

And so I begin my self-inflicted punishment now, as I have on every other countless occasions in my life where I wake up with a hangover and a world full of regret. I cling to this numbness and self-loathing, thinking that just maybe if I hate myself enough, it will somehow make up for the mistakes I made. The logic astounds me, but still guilt and shame drive me to hold on to this emptiness because I don't deserve to feel good or have peace. The darkness I run from everyday is in me, and I don't know how to get it out.

My God, my God, where are You? I can't bring myself to ask for forgiveness, even though that's the very thing I want. And until I can, I know I will just be this lone ship in the ocean, tossed about by the storms.

At first I thought it was because I was using Beta Blogger, but I've realised that other users of Beta Blogger do not have the same problem as me. On the Technorati page it says 'no blogs link here' and that the last time my blog was updated was 39 days ago (which we all know, is not true at all!). I've tried pinging them manually, but nothing's changed.

Does anyone know what to do?

I just received an offer letter from University of New South Wales in Australia...and I'm so confused.  I know that I had made up my mind earlier to carry on my studies in Singapore, but now I'm suddenly not so sure.

With the progress I'm making in my recovery, it's so easy to picture myself being fine going back to Australia, but how realistic that is, I have no idea.  My plans of studying in Singapore seem to be falling through, with one of the polytechnics sending me a letter suggesting that with my qualifications, I'd be better off doing something else.

What do I want?  Do I really want to go back to Singapore and be with family, or am I on some level deep down just afraid of going back and being on my own? 

A big apology to all my fellow TT-ers...I didn't get round to commenting on your TT's last week. I was in Singapore, and then really busy, and after that I fell sick. I know, bad excuses, but forgive me! I promise I'll comment this week.

In my last Thursday Thirteen, I wrote about goals that I wanted to accomplish before the end of the year. In goal 6, I wrote about how I wanted to have prayed in front and with other people at least twice. It's a difficult goal for me because I always get nervous and shy, and every time I've attempted to pray with other people, my mind goes blank, there's a silence for minutes, before someone has sympathy on me and starts praying.

Well, on Saturday, we had Thirst, where our youth group combines with the younger youth group for the night and we have an amazing night of worship together. It was a pretty awesome time, and I really felt like I was in the presence of God. Anyway, at the end, we had to get into groups of 3 and pray for each other.

None of my friends were sitting around me, so I had to be in a group with strangers (ahhh!!!). Part of me was so tempted to be like, 'umm guys, I'm a baby Christian and haven't really prayed in front of people, mind if I sit this out?' But another part of me thought, 'well, if I'm not going to step out of my comfort zone now, will I ever?' and it made me scared to think that 10 years from now, I'd still be sitting out in prayer.

So, I said a quick silent prayer to God, asking Him to calm my fears and give me confidence, and asked the Holy Spirit to lead me in prayer. And you know what? It wasn't all that bad. And afterwards, I felt so good about taking a risk, and truly felt that on that night, I grew a little spiritually.

So only one more public praying session before goal 6 is complete!